Cars

UGH!!! Car shopping is so hard!!! Like I want a car so bad, but can I afford one? like I want full coverage, but after buying a car will I be able to afford it? Probably not!!!!! Its SOOOOO stressful. I hate it!

So it's new years eve... what will 2010 bring me? So far 2009 is ending on a good note, so maybe that's a foreshadow of the good 2010 will bring me.

I'm going car shopping today! Hopefully I'll get one and if I do, you'll hear from me later.


until next time,


~Mia~

New Years Resolution

I have one new years resolution and one new years resolution only. And that is to be about the $$$. In 2009 I blew money and that was fun - buying rounds of drinks, buying a new laptop, little luxuries, spending 200$ on hair, etc. Thats nice but now is time to step out of the playpen. In 2010 its all about CASH. Assets, politics, money, and power. I dream about this stuff! Power is something I'm actually passionate about. I love power, I love having it, I love people with it, any kind of power I just love it. Thats how I know I would make a good lawyer.

I know how to tell people what they want. And I know I can convince people to see things my way <--- I do that all the time. I know what it takes to be influential. So like I need to apply all of that!

Step One AGGRESSIVE PAYS THE BILLS

When it comes to opportunities I typically have been very passive. I need to be more direct and not take the answer I dont want for an answer. The next time my grandmother says that she thinks its not really a good idea for me to get a job, I'm going to tell her I already decided to get one and she is going to like it. I don't care lol. If I want to go on a trip then I am going and I don't care what anyone has to say about it.

Bottom line, I can't be passive. I get this passivity from the way I was raised in my early years. But I know I have an aggressive streak. Today Bean asked me why I'm always yelling at them, and I snapped "because I get irritated easily". It was an offhand answer, but looking back it was pure honesty. I do get irritated all the time and I actually have an attitude problem but no one knows by the way I hide it. I learned how to just be nice and pleasant all the time but nice and pleasant isn't going to pay the bills.

Step Two BE WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES

I have to be commited and willing to get down and dirty. Like you know how I won't do something if it will inconvenience me. But I have to make sacrifices to get things. No more being squeamish. I'm making sacrifices. I'm going to drive if I have to, even (gag) catch the bus if I have to. I'm going to go to social events that I don't feel like going to if it will get me ahead. What if I need to be a stripper to support myself? Then I have to be prepared to do that. That was an extreme example but I'm saying I need to stop being a little prissy princess and roll up my sleeves and hop into the pig pen. If I'm going to be rich one day its going to take sacrifices. Matter of fact I'm going to watch the Players Club and learn all about true sacrifices.

So my new years resolution is?

World here I come! Give me your $$$ and all the nice things!

-Dez Out

Its time to Grow Up

So my title isn't about other people, it's about me. I was SOOOO proud of myself last night. Like normally, on nights like last night, I would've drunken everything in sight. I would've gotten high. I would've had sex with someone I just met. BUT I DIDN'T. I stopped when I wanted to and I sobered up by the end of the night and I think it's because I'm finally growing up!

For starters, I gave up my cup of vodka. VODKA! I usually down that shit but I didn't want to drink anymore so I stopped. Usually I drink to get drunk but I didn't. I drank what I wanted and stopped after that. Secondly, I refused to have sex with a guy I just met. Something I probably would've done if I was shitfaced. And it was because 1) he lied to me and told me he just wanted to chill. 2) HE WAS BEING HELLA CLINGY. He was acting like my damn boyfriend, trying to be all over protective. Like fuck you I just met you. I ain't your property! and 3) You know what he said to me when I said I wasn't going to have sex with him. He said:

"Well it's just hard, you know, being around Dezeray and Lisandra and not being able to hve sex with them"

So you're saying since they have a new friend you met you think I'M going to have sex with you. Urnnnnnn....WRONG! I'm not having sex with people I'm not in a relationship with anymore, fuck that shit!

Thirdly, I took care of one of my drunk friends (because I've been in that position before) and I felt obligated to do what I had to do. It felt good being the sober, mature one and not the shitfaced rowdy one like I usually am. I think I ca make a habit of this. Don't drink at all or drink before I get there and just get a little tipsy and let it wear off. I like myself better that way.

I've noticed this more mature Jasmine coming to light and I think I like what I see. Like I used to lead guys on even when I didn't like them. I mean, I did kiss him but I stopped because I knew I didn't like him and it was wrong so I told him upfront. Like I can't deal with guys like him. I need a guy that's gonna drink and be chill...not drink and be clingy and hella horny because a clingy guy is the BIGGEST turn off for me. So, buddy you lost your chance.

And Imma need mia to send me those pics HAHA

But until next time I have a break through..

Tata

Jizzface.

When in Rome

Do as the Romans do. I THINK NOT!!!!!!!!!

For starters, I am so proud of myself! I didn't get wasted, pissy drunk or and thing that would have me waking up regretting anything, or having to apologize for something! I think I did a wonderful job and I didn't fall under peer pressure. Like I have something to drink, don't get me wrong, but I knew when to stop, which makes me feel very mature and responsible.

As far as last night, it was crazy and I had a good time, but towards the end, it just got rediculous. Like honestly dez, it's not that we think you did something that you say you didn't. Its the fact that we couldn't find you. When was looking all over trying to find you saying that you was in the bathroom, when WE KNOW FOR A FACT that you wasn't. Like if you would've just said that, "hey I'm with such and such just give me a minute," we would have waited. But instead you chose to lie and say you was somewhere you wasn't scaring us because you wanted to be an out of control drunk. I see your little voice told you stop, but I think it wait until it was too late. But it's over, you don't remember, WE do. You live and you learn and that's it. I'm done talking about it.


On another note. It's sooo hard being a couple around your single friends. They do things that single people do. And me and Troy both admitted, that its hard to watch, because you see them having fun and stuff, and you can;t really because you don't wanna make the other mad. Like me personally I wouldn't get mad because I'm older now, and I realize that if we are meant to be we will. I trust Troy and if he wanna go and dance his life away, go see stripers or do whatever. But I know that he will bring that hard dick home to me. I'm feeling feel mature right now. Like I'm just feeling so on my own bullshit right now. Like after last night, I had fun like we where sober with drunk ass people and we had fun. But it made me realize a lot of things, that I'm my own person I am responible for me. I can control myself, and that makes me feel good. Like even though I was sooo pissed off last night (With Justin Throwing up in the back seat) I can out strong and that makes me happy.

NOW Justin throwing up in the back seat, that shit was rediculous!!! Like you dragged it across the whole back seat. Like how the hell you manage to do that? That shit was crazy. But I'm not gonna dwell on that. You had your moment too.


Until Next time,

Ownmygrownwoman,

~Mia~

Lindsay Lohan

I like her because no matter what I do, shes done worse! So whenever I have a night like last night its cool because hers was prob x10 as trashy lol.

Yesterday was my birthday and i basically went off. My friends treated me to the best birthday I ever had (honestly) just by being there and partying with me and even organizing transportation and whatnot. I got completely wasted/trashed/sauced/bent whatever, etc. I don't really know what I had but I was tossed lol, I just kept drinking straight until the voice in my head told me to stop because I was toasted enough.

Smh... where is that little voice in my head when I'm out of control though? I'm wild, confident and everything. The word is reckless. And I dont think I take the consequences as seriously as I should take them because the alcohol wears off and goes away but like the aftermath still lingers. Like for one I definitely disobeyed the Golden rule just for a few minutes of selfish self indulgence. And for two, everyone thinks I did something else that I didn't do because it looked sketchy. Thats 2 things that disappear in my world right after the moment is over but are still lingering around in the real world, and will probably take a while before everyone forgets (like I already have).

The thing is society's standards say I should have remorse, but I don't, so I end up feeling bad about not being bad.

I already know I have a problem with being selfish. I know I have a problem with being told I can't have something and then having it anyway. But I don't know what to do about it. Its like I cant help myself I just do what I want. But I have to learn that doing what I want can cause people to be mad at me or hurt other people. I swear I dont mean to make anyone mad or upset but its like I dont understand the concept of boundaries and rules and sometimes it seems like I just break rules just to break them. Why I keep being so rebellious, I have no idea. Its not just when I'm drunk, its just more pronounced when I'm drunk. But even normal me is always trying to rebel, break rules, prove that society cant hold me down, be different, etc etc. I really dont want to be so selfish because now I see how that's crud and how I could lose friends over it. So in 2010 im going to make an effort to try and be more considerate of other people.

-Dez Out

As of now

As of now, everything is actually good. Me and Troy are kinda good, we're not fussing as much. Everything has been kind of good. Even though he made me upset the other day cuz he wanted anal sex and I didn't so he went to sleep like in the middle of our sex and I'm tf? But it's ok, no need to fuss over it.

I am happy because Christmas is 3 days away. I can't wait to see Melanie's face on christmas! Caleb's too young to really notice but I kno Melanie will b happy!! I started wrapping the gifts last night. I had fun, unitl Caleb woke up wanting attention lol I couldn't wrap gifts and atend to him so after I got him happy again, I gave him to my mommy cuz she hasn't held him in a while cuz Melanie had pink eye.

I had fun yesterday!! Me and Dezeray and Lisandra all hung out with the children and shopped!! It was fun and Troy phone was cut off so no calling asking me what I was doing, not that he would but you know...

Well That's all for now... Caleb wants more attention



~Mia~

What to do when zombie's attack

ok so im watching Shaun of the Dead so i decided to write a blog about the things that u should always keep in ur house in the event of a zombie outbreak.

torches- zombies hate fire so you can use them to keep the zombies away. also most likely there wont be any power so ull need light at night time.

shotgun- ok just to start off any other type of gun is pretty much useless against them. with a shotgun u can blow them to pieces but just make sure that u have plenty of ammo.

machete- so i kno who the hell randomly has a machete around the house but if u do trust me u wont be sorry.

well as im thinking about it in the event of a zombie outbreak just about anything could be used as a weapon the key thing to remember is that zombies are stupid so they are easy to kill


HAVE ZOMBIE HUNTING

ill have a real blog coming soon

Jay Out

Guidance Please

I need to give the world insight into my mind. Right now, I’m in a state of confusion. School wise, life wise, everything. This princess is lost and scared and at a turning point.

First, school wise. Notre Dame is bs. Honestly, like I rarely went to my gen ed classes and still have a 3.25 GPA and did great in all my classes. That means that my teachers ain’t grade shit and didn’t take attendance. I think I’m too smart for that school and may need to transfer. I know my degree can take me places but as time goes on, I rarely want to go. I would rather spend my time working or sleeping or just hanging out. I know that sounds bad but I do not like that school. And then apparently I owe them $1500 for last semester. Where am I suppose to pull that from? How bout they give me back the scholarship they took away cause I made too much money. The only reason I work every fucking weekend and all summer is to pay their high ass tuition! But those bitches get mad when I wanna transfer to Morgan! At least I know they would give me serious money! Lol

This brings me to my second point, Money. Everyone needs it and I wish I had it. I owe about $7000 in credit card bills. And it’s because I used them to pay my high ass tuition and pay for those expensive ass books. And to put gas in my car, of course. Now I’m paying them down as fast as I can but idk what I’m going to do this spring. I ain’t got and Amex ain’t giving me anymore. In addition to that, my mom ain’t got it and if she do, she ain’t giving. Notre Dame will only let me file as a dependent and they insist that I ask my provider to cosign my parent plus loan but she ain’t having that. So now what?? They advise a baby. Excuse me? The answer to my money problems is a child? Apparently, the government would love it. With a child, I can file independently, get a tax credit, get food stamps and many more!! (Ain’t it ironic that a catholic school would advise a single 19 year old to become pregnant?)

Third, my damn mother! I love her to death but she is losing her mind. She is forgetful and in pain all the time. Plus she refused to go to the doctor. Like she forgets when I tell her things and when I give her money and its to the point where I have her signing receipts. I’m happy that she wants to be independent but its getting too much for her and I am worried. I love my mommy and she’s all I have and I have no idea what I would do if I was left to take care of bad ass dennis all by myself! Ugh! So I need to handle her and get her an appointment when I make mines!!

Finally, I don’t know what to do with my life NOW! Like I want to make more money and be with this boy I’m dating. However, making the amount of cash I want either involved stripping or drugs. With stripping, I’m putting my life at danger and I don’t want to do that. However, drugs involve spending long hours with Mr. G and I want to avoid him! UGH!!! Why is life so damn complicated! I wish an angel would come down and swoop me up in the clouds and never let me down!

ConfusedAsHell

Sanda Out

Looking like Damn!

Dear Past Love,

It was fun while it lasted but now I have to move on. Yea, I knew she was wifey and I honestly didn’t care cause I was still number one, or so I thought. Honestly, I don’t even care what title you give me cause I don’t want it. I’ve deleted the 20 numbers I can reach you at and am tempted to delete you from my facebook and myspace. I love you and may even be in love with you but you don’t feel the same and I’m sure you lied to me! You looked me dead in my face and told me you ain’t have a girl and I’m 99% you were lying. Or maybe you weren’t and you really didn’t have a girl that week but I don’t care now. I’m moving on. Bye. This love affair started way back when we was kids but we grown now and one of us needs to be the mature one. (As usual, that’s me.) I think your feelings were true because for a while, you did change and got your shit together but at the end of the day, your still you. Your still an asshole, stupid, wanna be thug! You think your so gantsa and whatever else but that ain’t even what I want. I want someone with schooling and class and a fucking job! And what pisses me off is that I thought it was funny when you said shit like I got money. Ha! I don’t want nor need your dirty drug money!! Maybe its good enough for her but I deserve better and you know it! YOU FUCKING KNOW IT!!! The only problem is your greedy and wanted to have both your cake and eat it too. Too bad I found out, huh? Actually, I’m happy that I didn’t give you my virginity. Who knows? You probably wanted to get me pregnant so I would be stuck with you forever. Actually, I know that was your plan and I almost, ALMOST, fell for it! But I’m smart baby. Not just straight As, 4.0 smart but street smart. I know the game and I play it better than you. Don’t call me and don’t try to apologize cause I don’t care. Unless that apology comes with a white gold engagement ring, which I can take and pawn lol.

See I want real love, “not that thug love”, “that’s my baby mama love”, “that’s my wifey love”, but real fucking love! That Love and Basketball love!! That I would never hurt you and I’m sorry it took so long to find you love. That sweep you off your feet, can’t sleep without you love. I want to need to hear your voice in order to be complete. I want the type of love that knows exactly what’s wrong! I want the type of love that you see in old black and white movies on AMC! Can you give me that? Naw, shortie, you can’t. Cause see in order to give me that you need to love yourself first and I know you don’t. So you gonna start seeing me with this dude or another, and you gonna get mad but you have no one to blame but yourself. Sorry babe, but I can’t do this anymore. It really hurts but I need you to know.

MovingOnToBiggerThings

Sanda Out

Dear Love,

Why aren't you in my life anymore love? I've miss you so. I've miss how you used to care how I felt, and made sure I was safe. Love I miss you. I miss how no matter what was going on in my life, you was there. You where the one I could lean on. Now when my nights seem the darkest, you're the one pulling the plug. Whatever happened to us love? We use to be 2 peas in a pod, now we seem like we're not even in the same planet. I miss you you made me feel love... I miss how it was me and you against the world. I just miss you is all love.

I miss how you made love to me love. How you were so gentle with me, rough just at the right time. It was like you knew what my insides wanted, love where did that go? Where did the one I fell in love with go? Why did he leave me love? why did he leave and in his place leave someone that could careless? Love I want my love back love! I want the one who cared for me! The one who showered me with unconditional love, not words that cut deep and hurt like a razor. Love I want my old love back! The one who cares for me unconditionally! I want him back! I want my old Troy back. I want him back before it's too late love! Before he's gone forever and what's left is this! This poor excuse for a relationship! This constant love hate that we're going through! I miss my old Troy! I miss the one who didn't make me cry or hurt my feelings. I try love, I really do! Try to be nice and forget about yesterday but it seems that as soon as opportunity knocks he criticize me. And it makes me feel horrible!

Love, I want my man back! I want the one who cherished me and I cherished him. I want the one who trusted me back. I want the one who I trusted back! I want things to go back to the way they where when we were in love and not doing this silly tit for tat. I want him back love, can you do that for me? Can you give me back the love of my life, the one that would take on the world for me. The one that would give me a shoulder to cry on... Can you do that love, can you give him back? I miss him so much and I want to be held in his arms again! For me love? I've always believe in you even when things failed, I knew you was always looking out for me always reminding me that True love isn't for the birds, True love is for me and I know I found it, just help guide him love. Guide him into my arms! Tell him where his hurt belongs! tell him it belongs with me love.


With love,
Mia

Art & Style

I got curious and ran through some of my hair thats not braided with a flat iron lol. Then I held it in place and took a picture in the mirror so I could see how far down my back it would go.

Lol I look double jointed

I was thinking about style and how I might wear it in ~4 months when I take it out. It grew out a lot longer than I expected but when I finally get a perm and a trim its gonna be shorter. I don't care if it gets cut up to shoulder-length as long as its full and healthy and DYED.

:D <-- cause I'm so sick of plain brown hair lol it either gonna be bright red or jet black.

Also here is some frames I want for when I wear glasses.

I also need to get a leather jacket. My grandmother called me today and said she was buying me a coat ... but thats not a leather jacket so if I come home with a leather jacket she would make me take it back lol. So Ima get a pea coat cause I don't have one yet.

Oh yeah and I've been feeling inspired lately so I'm going to start writing again over the break. Hopefully I can produce some pretty good material! I mean my best material was written when I was sheltered and had no social life cause I was stuck at home all day. Over the break I'm going to be equally as sheltered and equally as stuck at home (except for going out on my birthday) so I should be able to write something good!! Also I had a tough semester so that struggle revived my artistic side a little. Not enough to draw yet though. I dunno the best art comes out of the darkest places and I haven't been emo in so long that I forgot what it feels like to be in despair and then draw a picture where the pain bleeds through. lol

Dez Out

Why College

I just want to go out in the world and just start taking what I want, deep down. I just feel this urge to go out in the world and GET! I want to get money $$$$, get experience, get to network with bosses and go after what I really want.

I feel like the girl Kanye West was singing about when he said

"Now, tell me that aint insecure

The concept of school seemed so secure

Went 4 or 3 years aint picked a career"

Like college is fine and all but I want to use it as a stepping stone to get ahead in life and not just a thing to do just to be doing. I started looking for a part time job but then my grandmother found out! And she and I had a talk and she really wants me to be content with going to college and getting an education for now. She's like I have my whole life to work. I agree, I do have my whole life to work but I want to start now! This is the same dead end I reached when I wanted a part time job in high school. Now that I'm in college its the same story. Its like everyone wants me to get this magic degree but they want that to be my only focus in life. What am I, some robot designed to be an education machine? Well I got news for you I want to do other things. Of course I want an education but I see it as a supplement to the main thing which is pursuing my dreams. I like other things too like drawing anime, doing gymnastics, and writing stories, and especially dancing! I'm SO tired of not exploring my other interests!!

I feel like it would have been nice to feel like I contributed to buying my first car, you know. It would be nice to look at it and be like I had to sacrifice x,y, and z to get it. I understand that my grandmother is retired and knows best and I should listen to her and she just wants to take care of me - but it's to the point where I can't even focus in school anymore cause it seems like its not getting me anywhere. And like i keep finding things to give me an adrenaline rush like skipping school, getting pierced, and substance abuse and I feel like if I had things to do like at a job I wouldn't be dying to express myself in those ways.

I mean dont get me wrong I dont mind bumming out, drinking, and partying but at least I recognize that I should earn it lol. I want to be able to support my own lifestyle eventually because right now everyone pays for my lifestyle BUT me. Honestly I dont even care about the $$$ i can be in super debt if I have to but I want to be famous. Actually I'm dying to be famous. I crave power, and I want so badly to take the world and choke it until it coughs up money and power AND FAME!! Even if that means waitressing!!

Dez Out

I don't understand

One Thing I'll never understand is how u say I dont do anything for you. But what I don't understand is how you can sit there and say I don't do shit and you do so much, but what exactly do you do? Yea you make money yea you take care of me money wise, but honestly... what else do you do. You complain about what I don't do, I don't massage you, I don't give you sex more often, but why should I? why should I have sex with you when I have so much yo do, you say I'm on my phone all day but I still get work done. I still make sure my kids are taken care of while you worry about you. You work and then go to school and then come home and play ninja wars and thats it. You claim you always got the baby, but do u really? do u bathe him? do you wash his clothes? do You make his bottles? No... I'm tired of you saying that you ain't want him, you just went along with me. And I wonder why Caleb is always crying with you, he can sense that you don't want him.

It's so funny, cuz I thought I finally met the right one, the one that would be different from everybody else, the diamond in the rough. But in the end you turned out just like the rest. But it's ok, it's cool.

I just can't help but feel, stupid. Like I can't believe that I did it again. I can't believe that I keep changing myself for these guys and then it turns into this. Like, you tell me to depend on you and when I do this is what happens? I am so angry, because I feel so betrayed!!!!!!! How dare you say you don't think we belong together!!! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU LIKE I AM JUST SO HURT RIGHT NOW I CAN'T EVEN FINISH THIS FUCKING BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so done with this situation! I'm so done with him, like fuck this I got too much to worry about instead fooling wit his ass

Response to Mia

I can't read that and not want to respond. Because it was so much about insecurity about your body. And I just want to scream that there is no such thing as a perfect body! It's all an illusion - its a multimillion $$$ industry. They (the commercials and companies) are doing whatever it takes to make us believe we'll look better if we cut and snip this or that, buy this product, etc. But what you have to realize is that every body type is beautiful and you just have to own it. I can totally relate to everything your writing about 100% because I have always feel inadequately endowed. I always struggled with my body type. I would have killed for some curves. I felt like I was flat everywhere and I was just some toothpick.

One thing you have to do Mia is look at others with your body type for inspiration. I used to look up to like Chessika, Lil Kim body types which failed because it made me feel inadequate. I changed that by googling skinny celebrities and reading how much their fans loved them. I discovered that even Keri Hilson with her flat chested self is considered super sexy. Thats why when we brought up the rihanna thing I was gushing about how hot she was. Its because shes one of my role models, I like her smaller sized boobs because they make me feel good about myself. I praised her because i felt like i was built like her. Of course hers arent perfect, if anything big double D's are perfect but instead of wasting my time looking up to something I don't have I need to see the good qualities in what I do have. I have freaking adolescent breasts for crying out loud. But i dont care because I'm into that now lol.

You can be beautiful and stick straight, you can be beautiful and voluptuous, you can even be beautiful and 600 lbs!! I bet that fat ass cow we posted on Skype with the caption "jelly in the trunk" is married and has kids and money and is beautiful to the people in her life that are close to her. Thats because beauty is like 10% looks and 90% confidence. Its really a state of mind. Its a shame because I look at you and see how your funny and original and fun to be around. You being a vibrant person just highlights all your good physical traits like your pretty face and big expressive almond shaped eyes and a guy would notice you have big boobs and a big butt and sexy hips. Like one thing I noticed is I don't look at people's imperfections unless they point them out. You have to stop whining about your "stretch marks" and whatnot because no one sees them except for during the moment your complaining about them.

Think about it this way. Your a guy. There's this hot girl at your school. She's skinny, has barely there curves - probably an A cup. She likes wearing funny t shirts and listens to music in class. She wears mascara and black eyeliner as far as makeup, and has a cute little face with the cutest pair of lips you ever saw, and if you look close enough you can see a tiny stud in her nose. She seems like a free spirit and a little crazy but in a good way.

You go to your next class and a new student sits next to you. She's sexy, has at least DD's and a pair of hips to match. Flip flops and tank tops seem to be her favorite things to wear. She's always smiling when you see her. She rarely wears makeup and has this fresh and clean look about her. She has the biggest most expressive brown eyes that could seduce you from across the room. Her baby face comes off as angelic but you know its more behind that.

See how both the old student and the new student are totally hot but they are different. And thats not me and you or anything just two hypothetical hot girls ;)

Anyway my point is I can relate, and i want you to know your body type is perfect. you just need to always give off that sexy air and everyone will follow cause you really are gorgeous and I want you to let it radiate.

I am so fucking tired!!

Okay, so let me begin. I am so tired of Troy's lazy ass. He doesn't clean, he doesn't pick up after his self, he doesn't do shit! It's starting to wear on my last nerve. My room is a fucking mess, I'm trying to clean up upstairs so we can clean up down here and move upstairs, but he is no help! He's always tired, always sleeping, always sore. He's always something and I'm getting tired of it. Yeah, he's a nice provider, when it come to money or driving somewhere, he's there for me. But when it comes to helping me out with something like cleaning he don't do it. He's always passing the buck onto somebody else. It's not my fault, and I feel like I am going crazy. In the morning he can never get the baby ready for me, he never wants to get up, he never wants to do anything. I can nerve even get him to wake the fuck up!! I am just so fucking tired of it!! I'm always on the go, always doing X,Y,& Z I hardly ever get a day to myself, just to relax and sleep, I'm always doing homework, cleaning, making bottles doing something that isn't just time for me. It's crazy and I'm tired of fussing about it, I'm tired of doing everything on my own plus going to school. I feel like I have 3 kids not 2.

But on the rare moments I do I masturbate. I have embraced it, I love it and I am no longer ashamed. Or only doing it when I'm desperate. I do it when I have time to myself. I'm tired of waiting on troy to please me, I am gonna do it myself and I do a good job at it. He's always bitching about me not cumming always being discouraged, but I'm like Troy, if you actually put forth the effort to please me or turn me on, you'll get results, I'm not gonna force myself to be turned on, I'm tired of me having to warm me up, or having sex cuz he wants to, I'm done, if he's horny and I'm not oh well... I want to be romanced, I want to be treated like a princess, I want to be just ugh more than just suck my dick and hop on it. I'm tired of that its getting boring it's getting redundant. I'm tired of the everyday fucking shit our sex life had become.

Another thing that I am tired of is being shaped like me. I feel fat, I feel ugly, I feel like i need to have a complete make over. All my friends are small, and I'm like the biggest one. All my friends have small unawkard boobs, no kids, pretty faces, just everything I'm not. I wanna go out with them, but I feel out of place sometimes, cuz they're all small and I'm huge. I feel like if we went out I would be cast the ugly fat one and get not even get the time of day from other ppl. they all have ppl on their heels. Ppl wanting to talk to them, and everything I feel that I'm no longer attractive. I feel big and out of place. I love my friends to death, but I'm just not on the same caliber as them. I don't feel as smart as them, I don't feel as pretty. I just feel just I can't even describe. Like I'm really good at hiding it, but one of my friends said something today that made me feel very insecure was when we was looking at Rihianna nude picks, and she said a friend of hers breast look just like Rihianna's perfect. And I'm looking that this pic like my boobs don't look like that, mines are bigger, my stomach don't look like that I don't look anything like perfection. I have stretch marks all over,I feel ugly and unattractive. That just made me feel even worst. I'm not all that attractive, nobody really even thinks about giving me the time of day not even my bf. It makes me mad. Ugh... I hate it sometimes I just wanna lay in the bed and sleep my life away. I wish I was pretty I wish I was shaped like My friends, and not all round and bulky.

Sometimes I think that if I wasn't so afraid of dying I would've been killed myself. I hate my body, I always hated it. I'm not happy with it in the least bit. I don't even like showing it to Troy. I feel like the fat friend, the one everyone befriends cuz they feel sry for her cuz she's fat.

If I ever get some money, serious money, I am gonna pay to change this. I am gonna get the perfect boobs that I don't even have to wear a bra to keep them up. Get a small frame, just the right curves so I'll fit in more with my friends, and not feel so out of place.

I never loved my body. I've always been bigger and bulky shaped. Not flat and smooth like them... I wish my body wasn't so ugly.....

Unhappy && Tired

~Mia~

Nuvaring-(and Prozac)-Free!

Friday was my last day on Nuvaring! So far I've had a pretty stable mood - I didn't wake up depressed or angry or get hyper or anything. I know I've been acting bipolar as hell for months now and it could just be growing pains but I honestly believe the steady dose of hormones had something to do with it. I mean i feel like if it were the transition, then I would have been having these crazy mood swings freshman year, not sophomore year. I mean, I'm not sure, but I really really think that the culprit is the birth control hormones. Think about it, when a woman is pregnant or going through menopause, she always has crazy mood swings and everyone knows to stay out of her way. And PMS, too, you know to avoid a girl whose PMSing. Well getting a steady dose of hormones from Nuvaring is like always PMSing!! Like its no way to describe it other than a roller coaster of emotions and really intense ones. I remember the one moment during the summer when I woke up, looked at the clock and burst into tears, cried myself back to sleep and woke up happy. I was so confused. This whole semester I haven't been myself. If I were a doctor, I would definitely do research about what the heck hormones have to do with emotions. Like do they decrease seratonin levels or something? Like how much of your mood can really be altered with pharmaceuticals? Its so interesting how there are medicines like antidepressants that are supposed to make you happy (prozac), medicines like adderol that are supposed to make you focus, and medicines like hormones that affect your mood.

Anyway the only research I can do now is on the internet or in a library, or by asking a doctor questions lol. Maybe one day I could do actual hands on research into this stuff, especially since my field of study is about global health and health systems and etc. I could do my senior project on like, the effect of Planned Parenthood on Baltimore or something. Who knows hopefully I can turn this experience into something positive.

Anyway now its on to the next one, I'm going to try yet another pill. Maybe seasonale, or yasmin. I'm going to look into the ones that have good reviews. However for anyone considering Nuvaring I definitely recommend it. It's just not the right one for me. No matter what type you are with, I just wish I could tell everyone to please please please:

• WATCH out for signs of mood change or depression or whatever. Its very subtle and you would probably just think you are stressed or whatever. You and people around you are likely to attribute it to things like school, work, or family. Even if you go to your doctor and say you are depressed, they probably would overlook the fact that your taking hormones and just have you see a psychologist who will tell you its your life. Just pay attention because mood swings and depression are an ACTUAL side effect (yes, its listed on the wrapper) and if you notice it you should switch brands. You would switch brands if you started breaking out or were spotting, so you should switch brands if its affecting your mental health too.

Dez Out

When I get angry....

When I get angry, I get a very hard pulsating feeling in my clit. I am angry right now. Like I am going through some things now, that I can't really get into on this blog, but I have an alternate way of getting it out. I wanted to blog, but I can't even blog really.

So, I'm gonna kinda start rambling....

So I've kinda been on a skype strike cuz after i got into skype here comes troy getting one too (which isn't bad) but he tried to say he cant wait until i get my usb for my laptop so I cant get off his and that kinda hurt my feelings like he's saying I'm hogging his computer. he only uses his computer to look at porn anyway.

Melanie is always whining... it gets on my nerves like always whining i think she whines and cries more then she talks. and what pisses me off most is that she don't do it in school she only does it home. It pisses me off to the highest level of pisstivity.

I am so tired, like all I wanna do is sleep! Sleep and sleep and sleep some more, like idk why I'm so tired I just am... everybody annoys me and nothing really makes me happy for a long time, all i wanna do is sleep. I don't wanna say I'm depressed or anything, I'm just tired...

My mother is getting on my nerves too, I realize i don't know how to handle my emotions cause she don't know how to handle hers either. Every time Melanie does something that makes her mad, she starts she starts screaming and fussing like the world is over and every time i tell her about it she starts going off on me. Like I'm tired of being here, I am tired of being broke, I am just plain ol tired of everything...

All I really wanna do is lay under the covers and sleep :(

I don't have much more to say so... I'm out

~Mia~

I used to have everything

What happened?

I used to have ambition, passion, intellect, charisma, everything.

I used to be so close to so many people. I used to run with the world, eat sleep and breathe motivation and drive. I used to be your typical Type A overachiever who wouldnt settle for anything less than perfection. I used to get excited about everything and always want to be involved. I used to be the energy of the group. I used to be the brightest crayon in the box. More kids looked up to me than I knew what to do with. Now I feel like all these valuable traits that made me special are all gone. Like it was once solid, but something turned it into sand slipping through my fingers. Literally i look around at my life and it feels like its in a bunch of little broken pieces. The past is all mixed up with the present and I can't find the future anywhere.

I'm having symbolic dreams and I keep playing dumb like I dunno what they mean but I do. They mean I lost my identity. The dreams keep getting worse and worse and more and more vivid.

It feels like I'm at the wrong place in the wrong time of my life. Like I'm completely out of sync with the world. Its so frustrating because its just this nagging feeling that something went out of place and its messing with how things are supposed to be now kind of like the butterfly effect? I cant express the feeling but its the worst in the world. Like I'm not supposed to be here. Not here as in here on earth, but here as in where I am at this point in time. Something feels wrong. I feel like I'm not matched up with myself or something like really its no way to describe it.

What I want more than anything is to go back and be that girl from high school again. Vibrant and carefree, crazy, exciting, lots of friends. Now all i want to do is sleep and I don't ever feel like doing anything involving people and I hate everything and everyone.

The best way to describe it is like a feeling of deep confusion mixed with depression mixed with helplessness. I just really don't know the root of it. I don't know if I hate class because I'm depressed or if I'm depressed because I hate class. Its so frustrating. Every morning I wake up I wish I were still asleep. I feel like I lost something central to who I am somehow. I dunno. I hate it. The only thing that works is escaping. But lately its been getting harder and harder to escape: alcohol, the internet, tv, they all dont work like they used to.

Its like a deep dark black hole that keeps growing and won't go away until I deal with it except I don't know how. I hate this dark side its like its chasing me. I have this imminent feeling of doom because whenever I try to envision myself in 5 years and I can't see anything. I feel like the peak of my life was that happy period in high school when everything was so perfect and I didn't have the pressures of the world on my shoulders. I hate the job market I hate having to meet new people I hate getting an education I hate building credit I hate everything!!!! I dont care who tells me I need to get over it I can't get over it now I'm depressed and people are gonna tell me is nothing I can do about it I have to move on and try to fucking pretend like I like being an adult?? Actually it is something I can do I can just refuse to do any of it. I can refuse to go to school or work or talk to people or what the fuck ever I don't even have to live your meaningless definition of a life in the first place.

I think I'm going to stop birth control this week because I heard they cause mood swings, and I don't know whether I feel depressed because of a chemical imbalance or whether I feel depressed because the weight of the world is suffocating me.

This Bitch!

look I'm bout tired of her dumbass shit! she is just acting like a fool! First of all, don't be mad cause I got dick and liked it! GET THE FUCK OVER IT! I want to be with Eric and I intend to be with him! you would think you were so mature Brittnie but I know that your not! like you have really pissed me off to an extreme! You wanted me to be fucking happy and now that I am, you want to rain on my damn parade!! WELL FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My parade is like the Macy's thanksgiving day parade!!!! It will always keep going no matter what the weather and it will always be great! I know that you love me and want to be with me but I'm sorry, that ain't happening! its not cause I don't like girls (I LOVE MIA!!!) but its cause you as a person are toxic! You get mad when other females cause you rude or a bitch or anything else but its how you act! you think that the world revolves around out and that we are all suppose to just put up with it but that ain't happening....sorry. Furthermore, you will not tell me who I can and can not be friends with ma'am! If your fucking family loves me, get over it! I know I am a lovable person!! That's how I know its you fucking all the shit up! if it was me, no one would like me and people wouldn't want to be with me! but they do like me and they do want to be with me so IT'S YOU!! get it together before you ever come at me again!

PissOff

Sandra Out

Nobody has ever told me

For as long as I been alive, nobody has ever told me I deserved something. Yesterday Troy told me that he hopes I get a nice car once we get out taxes or our lawsuit money that I get a nice car cuz he thinks I deserve it. Like I was taken back by what ye said, and my first reaction was to say no I don't cuz nobody has ever told me that I deserve something, like I say it all the time but I never mean it, but to hear someone else say it and mean it, it warmed my heart. And it made me happy!!! He also told me he knew how much it meant to me to have a car and he's right like I am about to shed happy tears cuz he cares and he does know how I feel! Like I will admit of course Troy can be an asshole he'll tell you himself, but normally when Troy talks about how I feel it's normally cuz I told him first, but this time he knew b4 I told him =) like he knew in my heart how much getting a car and being independant means to me. Like I am so thankful for him cuz he knows how to cheer me up and I feel the most down. Like I was just sitting here at work bored when I thought about yesterday and how he made me happy! Like I love him so much and sometimes he makes me feel warm and fuzzy so I wanted to happy blog about Troy and not a sad one!!!

Decemberlist

This is what i want for christmas/my birthday/ new years.

1. iphone

2. CLOTHES

leather jacket

more t shirts that fit loosely

new kicks, with vibrant colors

black converses

more size 2 jeans, dark colors plz

3. to get drunk and party harder than ever over the break

4. RESOLUTIONS

get a part time job like every other nineteen year old

rebuild my music collection for the millionth time

stop skipping class

Dez Out

Tomfoolary!!!

..............which is what I've done since monday lol...I've been with Brittnie and I can honestly say that I enjoyed myself. We didn't really do anything but geek and stuff but it was really fun! We didn't fight or get smart or act jealous or anything! of course I missed spending time with my dezzy but I think it might have been worth and I still talked to her and stuff. And of course, Brittnie kept bring up Eric but I need to start calling her on the girl she talk to!! Let Thou Without Sin Cast The First Stone!

so I wrote that first paragraph like a couple of days ago and I still feel that way! Like last night she called me trying to find out if me and eric fucked (which is NONE of her business) and kept hanging up and acting like a child! This means that Brittnie is still same old Brittnie and everything is cool until she doesn't get her way! Then she bitches and acts young! and Eric is the same way too actually. He is really jealous. Like he was mad when Brenden kissed my neck (even though it clearly means nothing) and he was mad when Kahri called me his wife. I think its cute but at the same time I think its crazy. I'm all for wanting me all to yourself but both of them need to understand that we are not in a committed relationship and therefore you should expect NOTHING from me!!! You want my companionship and I am giving it to you however, you also need to chill out lol

AlwaysWantedButNeverHad

Sandra Out

curly hair!?!?

I've never seen my hair curly until now! Let me find out its a curl pattern hiding under all that frizz lol.
(This is a close up of some of my hair hanging out of a braid, the straight part is not mine)

I swear, ever since I moved here, I've been waiting for the day I could finally be the only person in charge of my hair. My mom made it easy. But when I moved in with my dad side of the family all of a sudden it was like instead of just some easy effortless task, it was like I was under an examination table with a team of doctors and nurses:
"What do we do with it?"
"How often should we perm it?"
"Who is going to do it every day?"
"She's got a good grade of hair, but its overprocessed. Get her a kiddie perm"
"Her hair is underprocessed. Its probably time for an adult perm"
and blah blah blah etc.

Of course no one consults me through any of this. I was like some hair science experiment.

I always absolutely HATED how people who gave me a relaxer always overlapped it from root to end, over previously relaxed hair when CLEARLY it says not to do that! "Well thats how everyone always does it and thats how you get it straight" the girl would say when I told her not to do that. I was like well its my hair if I don't want relaxer on my ends I shouldn't have to get relaxer on my ends. My hair always came out in chunks in the days following a relaxer and it made me angry that I had to deal with the results of everyone else's actions. Especially since my hair isn't thick to begin with so losing hair BLOWS extra hard. I had to cut my own split ends with a pair of scissors and a mirror because no one knew to do it for me ... ugh the frustration haha. FYI family who means well: Anytime I get a crimson red rinse dye (the one thing I actually asked for) and my hair turns a random shade of pink that is a sign it was already chemically abused!!

-Dez Out

I NEED TO RELAX

I don't know why I'm so obsessive. I can't tell if its mood swings or what but I'm always so high strung. I cant figure out wtf is wrong with me I am never like this. Its like I am always thinking these crazy thoughts about things that are going on behind my back. I keep dreaming about motifs of losing control. If i have one more dream about my car being stolen!!!

If I don't hear from lisandra in one day, I imagine all kinds of crazy things happening- her messing with brittnie for money, her getting her car stolen, her going to see eric with no phone and then getting abducted, her sleeping with mia, even her just plain not thinking about me.

And with guys, I always imagine them being total jerks when I'm not around. I don't know if its true or not but its true in my head and thats all that matters. It messes with my head. Any guy I deal with or even just like I imagine banging all their girl friends and all their girl friends' friends and all my friends and every girl i see on facebook.

And all my friends I imagine them secretly liking my other friends better and wanting to hang out with them instead of me. I try to figure out what my friends think about me and wonder if they like each other better than me and compare my friendships with other people's friendships and try to see if my friends care about me as much as other peoples friends care about them.

It's like in my head something is always going wrong I'm so not normally like this, I don't know if its college, hormones, or what but I'm SOOO obsessive about everything. I try to analyze everything and figure everything out and no answer ever satisifies me. I keep analyzing religion and friendships and guys and life and success and failure and everything and I can't stop even when there is nothing to left to analyze, I sit and do exactly what I'm doing now: analyze why I keep analyzing.

When my car was making noise, I spent two days analyzing and driving myself crazy. I took something this big |--| and made it this big |------------------------------------------|. I didn't even go to class, I was so obsessive. I just googled it, went outside to listen to it, cried over it, and thought about nothing else besides my car couldnt focus on class or anything.

When my navel was infected, even though it wasnt the first time it happened, I obsessed over it to the point where I couldnt function. The first time it was infected back when i first got it done it was infected for like a month and I just lived my life carefree and happy and waited for it to go away naturally. But the second time which was recent it was only infected for three or four days and the whole time I couldnt take my mind off it and bought creams for it and looked up pictures of infected rings and read stories about people dying from it. It like interfering with my life how high strung I've become and I really need to relax.

It interfering with my friendships too, I feel like I ignore my friends because I'm always obsessing about something. I don't go to dinner or do much with my friends at hopkins because I'm never in the mood. Im too busy being depressed over something and obsessing. I neglect cleaning my room and neglect doing my schoolwork and neglect sticking to any goals I set for myself because im too busy with my obsessive thoughts. I might wake up and start obsessing over a zit, then the whole day I get nothing done. Or I might wake up and see a facebook status about great friends then the whole day Im thinking about my friends and if i have enough and what does this mean and I'm just so sick of being alone with my thought I have to be with someone all the time to take my mind away from itself. I just wish I could stop letting little things bother me that I know arent important because I used to be so carefree! Now I'm like a neurotic person and thats not who I am! I always tell people about how they will be so happy when they learn to let stuff go and stop being typical stressed out Americans worried about every little detail. Im supposed to live by my own philosophy I developed it what happened? I'm frustrated and right now obsessing over if my blog even makes sense im just going to post it before i revise it agian

I ask God for marriage

So, when it comes to reading, I am highly influenced. I just got done reading this book called, "Drama in the Church" and dispite the drama, it had a very good under lying message and that was if you ask and you shall recieve. Now all my life when I pray I always thought it was selfish to pray for myself, so I always pray for everyone else's well being and either not mention me, or mention me last. But i realized that how can I ask God for something if I never pray for it. And the one thing that I realized that I want it to be married. I realized that my consious must be huge because there are very few things that I do without feeling bad about. Like I love sex, it is my true weakness. Out of all the seven deadly sins, Lust is my fall point. (hmmm maybe I should ask God for the strength to grown out of my lustful ways) I love having sex with Troy, but sometimes in the back of my mind I feel bad no matter how good or bad the sex was I feel bad after the act was commited. But last night was kinda different. We had sex, and I was in control. When I have sex with my bf I don't like to be in control, but (this was when I used to cheat) when I have sex with just a ONS, I'll be in control because I love the power that it gives me. I love to hear them say all kinds of dirty things that they say they'd never say. I love to control my muscles down there and send shivers up and down there spines, I LOVE THE POWER THAT MY PUSSY HOLDS OVER THEM!!! It made me feel alive!!!! Like for a brief moment, even thought I was stuffed up and congested, I felt clear and open, and powerful! Now to Troy, it may have looked like I wasn't into it at all but, in my mind, I was feeling all the power I had, how weak he seemed to me, I felt a way I havent felt in years... It was like a drug. It was my high... it was everything that I could have ever wanted. (sry Troy lol)

Now, you may wonder how this has anything to do with God, Well I'll tell you this. I am a sex addict. I love sex as I mentioned before, but I was raised in the church so I kind of have this internal conflict cuz I love to lust and fornicate, but I worry about where my soul will rest for enternity seeing as thought tomarrow is never promised.

Strange? I know... lol

I have been keeping my sex addict under wraps lately, seeing as though I am with Troy and we just had our son together. So sex hasn't really been on my mind because I am tired and adjusting to life with 2 kids. But that still doesn't stop my pussy from throbbing every night and it doesn't stop my pussy from getting wet, but I noticed what does stop me from having sex like I want to tired or not tired, is the fact that Troy doesn't do things that will make my water go from a stream to a lake if you get what I mean... But I think I'll be able to cope with that seeing as thought my new drug is not cumming, which it was when I am with my bf, but instead making him weak to my pussy powers. Doing things to him that will leave him lusting me long after he's sleep, to make him go into an instant coma after he let himself go.

I think I am done, putting my addiction on snooze, its awake now, and it's on the prowl... I can't wait until tonight when I can get another hit from my drug

hmmmm.......... maybe I will take Troy up on his offer of getting a girlfriend, I can't sleep with guys, but he didn't say I couldn't sleep with a girl...

Back to the topic, I pray to God for marriage because I know then, and only then will I be contained, I'll be the perfect little housewife, and freaky little closet freak in the room, but for now, I'm too wild, and it's getting harder and harder to contain myself, but if Troy's willing to help and step out of the box, I'm sure this cat will become the little kitten he's used to

=)

Until next time,

~Mia~

Retard Bunny

Dez ,fail bitch slut, was doing this dumb dance and I named it retard bunny cause that's what it looks like! Anyway, nothing much has been going on that pissed me off which is why I haven't blogged. I am determined to be more mature and therefore I am not blowing up on everybody who pisses me off! However, I do have a new boo in my life! and he does fit the characteristics I pre-mentioned!

1.He is 22!! :D not just 21 and old enough to buy me liquor but a 22 year old man!! and he tells me all the time that him being older puts him in control of this relationship (ha! as if) but its a challenge and I love a goo challenge!

2.Idk what he does but he has a song on itunes and whatever and he's really good so I know that he will make money soon! And I'm happy cause it means I don't have to support him!

3.DEZ and BRINA APPROVE!!!!! YEAH!!! and I'm sure all my other friends will too! like he is a really nice guy!

4.He's 6'1 (I know thats funny cause I'm only 5'0 but whatever) and charming and I haven't seen him sick so I'm going to assume he is healthy....and he has pretty eyes!! They're light brown!!! AWW!!! And idk if we are on the same intelligence level but he's in school so I will assume he is!

So he's generally perfect for me for now :D yeah me!

CurrentlyHappy

Sandra Out

age dont have shit to do with maturity

yeah so ive been dealing with drama and childish ass adults over the past couple of days..

but i just wanna say werent we all told that blood is suppose to be thicker than water? like arent u suppose to take care of your family first and foremost at least thats what i thought. the simple fact that members of my fam would side with a unimportant jackass over there own blood is sad.

ok so a little back story my cousin baby father is an ass and for some reason certain members of fam wanna take his side and start shit.

but then to make things worse the one person in my family that is always calling other people (reguardless of age) a child is the one that acted the most childish. because seriously what grown person is gonna wanna:

1. talk shit about someone on facebook like seriously.
2. not only that but put a person name in it

on top of that why the hell would u wanna air all you bussiness out there anyway. but i gotta the most fucked thing of all is after all this shit they went and deleted anybody in our fam (that waasnt on there side) from their facebook pages like thats really gonna hurt somebody

so basically i just wanna say here people that think they are grown really need to grow the fuck up.

Jay Out

When I grow up

When I grow up I will be fucked up mentally. I've realized that today and I have come to terms with it. At this stage in my life, developmentally, I should be experiencing life through trial and error. But instead I am raising a family and being broke and having to spend money on someone other than myself, which is something someone my age shouldn't be doing.

I live paycheck to paycheck, And if it wasn't with Troy I'd probably be assed out because he pays for everything for me. I hate it. I am sooooo used to doing for myself, last year I was doing me, taking care of me and everything. Now I am sooo behind. I feel like I can't catch up. Everything drives me crazy, I'm stressed beyond belief and I feel like I don't have no escape like I just wanna scream!!! But I can't because I'm a parent. Parent don't do that, Parents just deal with it. But I am also a teenager.

I always feel like I am having this internal conflict, one minute I wanna be grown because I have to be because I'm a mom, I am like a wife, I'm everything but what I wanna be. I wanna be a free spirited young teenager, that can go out and party and flirt with people and hangover people house, and do everything that I can't because I have 2 kids. And it doesn't help that my mother who normally would help me isn't. And I'm not talking financially, I'm talking like just watching them. She can't watch both of my children at the same time, and it bothers me. It bothers me that she makes it seem like the littlest things that happen to her (like Melanie spilling juice) is the end of the world. But if I make a big deal about my uncle saying that I should take my kids somewhere else to be watched instead of her watching them, that her sugar wouldn't have dropped, but when I saw that being offensive, I was taking it too personally!! This coming from the same uncle that when I was pregnant with Melanie, would speak to everybody in the room but not saw a word or even look my way. Some things, people just don't forget.

I already know that when I get older I will revert back to being a teenager, because I was never really a teenager. I am about 90% sure this will happen, but I will try my damnedest for it to not happed.

So back to me being stressed. I am so stressed and I don't get any sleep. I feel like I do so much, and I feel so under appiecated. I feel like what I do is expected. And that if I don't do it, than I am not doing my job. Like I'm so tired of people telling me about being a mother. And what mothers do. Because I do a fucking lot!!! A damn lot!!!!! And I am so tired of people just minding my business, and trying to put their input on my shit when they don't know shit about me.

I am just tired. I am tired of everything. Never in my life have I ever been as mad as I was at Melanie earlier. I felt like I could've killed her. I was sooooooo angry so pissed off, I've never felt that way towards her, and its killing me cuz i feel like I've only felt this way because I'm tired and stressed. I don't really wanna talk to anybody about it because I don't wanna hear anyones 2 cents.

I also feel like I'm doing all of this alone. I feel like Troy's just the money of it. I feel like I do everything else. And after I do everything, I'm tired and then he's mad at me because I don't have sex with him. But I feel like if he was proactive, and maybe did something for me without me telling him I wouldn't be as tired cuz some stuff would be done. I get so tired of telling him to do something. Why do I have to always ask you? your here just like I am right? So why do I have to tell you what needs to be done, you see it just as well as I do. So what's stopping you? you need someone to boss you around? why? I'm your girlfriend not your mother it's not my job to tell you what to do. That's why I just do it myself.

I'm just so tired, and frustrated and broke, I want another job, but that's another process. I'm like so done with everything!!!!! I am I'm just so done. I feel like I'm alone and lost and I don't have no one to talk to, cuz the person I normally talk to never answers her phone when I call cuz she's too busy doing everything else, so I'm just done. I'll be the adult I am supposed to me and suck it up and put a smile on my face and act like nothings bother me. That way at least everyone else around me will be happy. That's the most important part right? Because I know that I am not gonna be happy no time soon, everything that did make me happy is gone. Everyone I used to talk to is no longer giving a listening ear, so why bother. Why plague everyone else with my misery? It's not their problems it's mines.

~Mia~

Who are you? Your random!

Spoiled, Rebel, Clueless, Smart, Suburban, Goody Two Shoes, Addict, Class Skipper, looking back these are just a couple of roles I've held between now and high school. And I still haven't found myself. Its like I'm always going through a phase but sometimes I wonder when will I actually be who I'm supposed to be. I know I'm a late bloomer in the truest sense of the word, but it just seems like everyone around me is already sure of who they are but me. Lisandra is like, just Lisandra and we all know what to expect from her and what she likes and what she doesn't like. Mia is sure of who she is and no one is going to tell her differently. But me I'm just everything and unpredictable and unsure. I join groups and start projects and then get bored of them and it never seems like I can carry anything fully through. Sometimes I get called flaky which is unfair, I just might be overly spontaneous. I wish I could figure out why I just all of a sudden go through these phases and changes because its like I can't control them. I honestly like don't decide to go through a phase, they just come. And EVERY time I notice I'm in a new phase I think that's the me I'm going to stay my entire life but it isn't I always end up going through another new phase.

So this morning I woke up feeling really introspective and I realized I think I started a new phase. Here is what I noticed:

1. I have been listening to a lot of the music I listened to in high school lately. Like paramore and other bands.

2. I'm not trying to gain weight anymore. In fact I want to lose it. I actually have a desire to stay skinny again and its like I'm obsessed with being skinny

3. I really want a job. I know people think I'm not serious when I say I want a job more than anything else but it's really true. The only thing stopping me is I don't know what my second semester schedule looks like, so I don't know when my available hours are. But like I'm fucking bored as shit with school and I need something new and interesting to do with my life

4. I skip class on a daily basis. In fact I value school about 1/3 of what I used to value it.

5. I'm a smoker (not cigarettes, those are disgusting. just weed)

6. I **might** even want another tattoo. Or a piercing or something

7. I wear colored contacts, everything from blue to hazel to green to brown depending on how I feel at the moment

8. I don't wear makeup anymore because I prefer the fresh face look. Only mascara and lip balm

PAUSE

ok I remember distinctly within a year ago I once USED to:

1. bump young jeezy and hardcore rap music so everyone would believe i was dedicated to the streets,

2. i hated being skinny and used to overeat and try to get a thicker figure,

3. I didn't want to work because I don't need the money

4. I went to every class,

5. I didn't want to smoke because of the stigma,

6. I hated tattoos because they were permanent,

7. I hated colored contacts because I didnt see the point,

8. I bought a bunch of makeup because it seemed ladylike

UNPAUSE

Anyway I like who I am now better than who I used to be because I feel like I'm getting one step closer to having a purpose in my random life. Like I actually do feel passionate about some things, like the government controlling our lives for one which I am against. And also I feel passionate about judgmental people which I hate. And now I have a more realistic picture of life i.e. life is not just school its drinking and partying and socializing and working too. I feel more alive.

But whatev we'll see. Maybe this time it isn't a bunch of random shit, maybe this time I finally found my true self.

and your point is?

Some people in my life are always trying to say something to me as if they wanna scare me, and I'm thinking your point is? One thing I hate the most that a lot of people do even me sometimes but I try not to do it a lot is be a hypocrite. I hate them because they say one thing but do the exact opposite. Like how is it that people with kids are always trying to tell me about having kids. Like yes I know you can't go out all the time and I don't if I go out I take Melanie and Caleb and we keep on truckin. I don't understand how someone with kids who goes out at least once or twice a month gonna tell me that I'm not owed time because I am a parent. For starters.... fuck you!!!! And furthermore, FUCK YOU HARDER!!!!!!!!!! I take care of mines and My children father's are there to help me too!!! So don't go and try to rain on my parade because your first baby daddy cheated on you and your second played your ass and you still had 3 of his kids!!! So who need to go and jump off a cliff? YOU DO!! Cause clearly you can't find a good man even if he was in front of you and he is!!!! Like I really can't stand people who are miserable with they life and try to scare people and make false accusations against them. Like really I take care of BOTH of mines and I have no problem (even tho sometimes I may complain) taking Melanie and Caleb out with me and having fun!! If anybody knows me like truly know me, I take Melanie everywhere and I always incorporate her in it. I always make fun for her and I go broke for her taking her places and buying her things, so seriously go fuck yourself cuz you don't know shit!!! And the other person who clearly wants to be failed... like she defiantly doesn't know shit, but commenting on my status like for one I'm not gonna listen to you because I don't forget anything!! especially someone who tried to shun me because I was fifteen and pregnant!!! Look at me now bitch!!!!!!! At least I didn't have my kids within a year of each other!!! HA you fail hella hard!!!!!!!!

This just pisses me off to the highest level of pisstivity like I feel like they get mad cuz I'm doing my thing and making moves!! Like how can someone want someone else to fail in life, like I would never wish for someone to fail in life cuz that's not me, I wish the best for anyone even if I don't like you!! I wish you the best but ugh I just don't understand people they just do some off the dumbest things ever!!!!

Highly pissed and frustrated,

~Mia~

Full Moon

I swear to goodness today is the 3rd full moon I've seen over the past 3 days. So I decided to dedicate my status to it because I love full moons so much happens on full moons and I love when the sky is nice and clear and bright because of the moon.

So first off... I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT LISANDRA PUT ME OUT THERE LIKE THAT!!! Actually I do believe and I'd love to see this for myself lol

SO TODAY I MET MY TWIN!!!!!! I swear!!!!!! We don't look alike but we act just alike!!! Like I've known her a week and we are already finishing our sentences and everything!! Like we kinda have the same family situations, like not the kids but something else!!! Like we even said that this one teacher named Ms. Harden is cute!!! I swear like 2mar is her last day and I don't want to see her go :( I'm like really sad cuz I met my twin I don't want her to leave!!!


I'm happy cuz I've had fun today like all the ppl in my class by us was talking and I got to talk to (friendly of course) my girl crush in my class. Idk why but I just think she is soooo effin cute and nice and friendly ugh I love to like her from a distance :)

Plus I got a 100 on my skills (respiration, pulse, temp, height weight) I'm like uber happy cuz Now I am in my second section and officially moving on :) It's true when they say it moves fast cuz this section has moved fast too I'm just happy.

Another thing I've noticed is that we've changed a lot since we started blogging over a year ago. Like Troy and dez used to be close and now they are now where near close lol, But one thing hasn't change and that's my always sad blogs, I am gonna stop blogging sad and blog when I am both happy sad, bored what ever so u can see more of me then just a depressed person

until next time

~Mia~

I AM PISSED OFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People piss me off so much which is why I do not become attached to them!! And then I keep falling back into the same stupid trap!! Like honestly!! Am I really that dumb!! I mean I know that I cute and smart and all that good stuff so why do I keep getting involved with these butthole!!

EXSIBIT A: Greg
He randomly comes into my life every so often, we fall and in love again and then we never talk!! What is up with that?! He always causes chaos and then I can’t reach him and I am left alone again!!! And then he calls me up like everything is my fault!! He’s the one who doesn’t answer his phone or reply to myspace messages and all that other stuff! I honestly DO NOT know why I even try!!!

EXHIBIT B: Brittnie
She is an ass in her own way! She claims she loves me but she treats me like shit! She only spends time with me before she goes to mess with some female! Man forget that!! And then she’s going to have sex with her ex! UGH! You don’t know how that annoys me! I mean really though? Like I honestly DO NOT like that female and Brittnie was always talking about she wouldn’t go back to her but clearly we ALL see she will!!

EXHIBIT C: I’ll not put his name
So the dude I had sex with is also an ass! He’s immature and really needs to grow up! like we sat in the same room in totally silence since he’s not talking to me over a rumor that I didn’t even start or continue! You can’t get mad at me cause everyone found out your little secret! UGH!!!! So frustrating! I mean just get over it!! And now I’m angry I even did anything with him and I should have just took my butt home like I intended to!

So I am declaring it officially! If you want to be my man, you need to fulfill the following characteristics:

1.you must be older then me- the male species has been proven to mature slower then females therefore I want one that is already ripe :D

2.you must have a JOB! And not just any job but you MUST make money- I’m not a gold digger or anything but I do like to go out and go out to eat plus I have always been spoiled by my mom and I have NO reason to try and stop now!

3.my friends MUST approve-so far my friends have always been right and I have just been too dumb to listen! This ends now!! If my friends don’t like you, I don’t like you!!!! I repeat I DO NOT LIKE YOU!!! DO NOT!!! DO NOT!!!!!!

4.you must be tall, charming, healthy (I like cubby boys and I do not know what when I am the smallest thing in the world) and you must have pretty eyes…that doesn’t mean they have to be a unique color but they do need to be unique like really big or really small. We must also be on the same intelligence level! Please do not try if your GPA is not at least a 3.0 (you can add a street smarts score to that…for example greg’s GPA would be a 3.0 cause he gets 1.7 for his streets smart lol)

5.I still love my girls so al of these things apply to you except the age thing…I’ll mess with a girl my own age however be in your real ish! Don’t think I will go easier on you just cause you’re a girl cause I will only judge you harder!


I know I sound like a female dog but I DON’T care! I am so tired of dealing with nonsense! I wish Dez was a guy so I could be with her and live happily ever after!! And furthermore, I am tired of people thinking dezzy is gay! SHE IS NOT!! WE ARE NOT HAVING SEX!!! I can have female friends with out having sex with them (except Mia, cause I’ma hit that lol).


ApplicationsCurrentlyBeingAccepted
Becky Out

Ain't It Funny?

I find it really interesting when people claim they could care less about me and what I do but bring things up that prove they stalk me. For example, people who comment on post left on my page directed towards ME! Clearly you had to be on my page to see it and then you comment about you think its stupid but it wasn't for you! OR people who bring stuff up that I post in this blog! OMG! How do you even know about this blog and further more, we have over 100 blogs, why do you take the time to read them all?! I wouldn't even reread them! People just blow me! Like they blow me better then superhead!!! And like these same people go out of their way to avoid me. Personally, I don't care if you don't speak to me or whatever. Trust me, you ain't hurt nobody but yourself. But for people to just sit there and stare and stare and stare and then say things like I ain't looking at you, I was thinking....or they stare and look sad and I feel like yelling WHAT?! but instead I keep to myself! I just wonder WHY?! Like why torture yourself instead of just saying something. I need an explaination. Personally, I know I intimadate some people because of the way I carry myself and thats ok. If you got to know me, you would know I am not that chick! I just thought that was so funny...the things people do.

Anyway, I'm going to stop cussing cause that is NOT lady like...I realized I use the b-word in every phrase (shut up B, you fail a$$ B...the list continues) and that is NOT cool. Personally, I know I want a husband who can take care of me and love me and not expect me to produce 6 babies and all that good stuff (with pretty eyes of course) and inorder to find that I need to change my behavior. I will figure out how!!!

MoreToCome
Sandra Out

Please Don't leave

I love that P!nk song!!!!

Like in the chorus she says "I always say how I don't need you/ but it's always gonna come back to this/ please, don't leave me"

I'm always saying I don't need Troy, we are always bumping heads about something, like another part of the song, "How did I become so obnoxious?/ What is it with you that makes me act like this?/ I've never been this nasty"

I feel like I wasn't this nasty before, like I love Troy and he's always there for me. Like yesterday at work we was talking about having a girl friends is expensive. That he has to put out like 30 percent of his paycheck towards me. lol I was laughing because he does... He's always paying for something for me giving me money for something, and I wanna say right now that I am VERY THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE FOR ME!!! Especially last night... which leads me to this.


Ok so my mother sugar dropped last night to 54 which is very low for a diabetic. She was unconscious but alert the lady told me ( I had to call 911 cuz she managed to say help me even tho she wasn't conscious) It was soooooo scary but the strange thing was her sugar has dropped lower than that before and this crazy thing hasn't happened to her. I was so scared and my adrenaline was pumping and I had to do what I had to do, like the imagine of her gurgling and moaning because she wasn't conscious scared the shit out of me. Melanie was crying I had to have her leave the room, like I had to get into my superwoman mode! and I did and I'm happy I was there cuz idk what would've happened if I wasn't there. But Troy was there and helped by opening the door for them and they came upstairs and was totally calm even tho I was "wiggin" out as Troy would say. I'm happy cuz Melanie was being a good girl and she stayed put and watched Caleb, and I called my brother cuz I know he would want to know that something was happening. It was just a crazy night cuz I had just had a bad dream before I woke up. And I'm just so thankful to God that she's ok. And after she came thru I felt very bad that I didn't pray to God (at least I don't remember praying) and asking to make sure she's ok. But I thanked him as soon as this caught my attention and I am thanking him now as I post this blog. It was just a crazy night like I was so happy that I'd get an extra hour of sleep and I didn't lol but its ok cuz I had to be there for My mother and I am happy that I was there.

Other than that, I've been ok, still stressing but I'm trying not to. I am gonna start to loose weight and get better because I am too young to be having these problems.

Until next time

~Mia~

Adam and Eve

So according to the Bible, adam and eve were put in this blissful, perfect garden called the Garden of Even and they had perfect lives. It was no disease or anything and they were perfectly happy. However, they only had one direction: not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge or the Tree of Life. They already had everything they needed to be perfectly happy. The book of genesis goes on to say that curosity got the better of Eve (she was influenced by the serpent which was Satin) and she ate an apple from the Tree of Knowledge. Then she shared it with Adam. After this, they gained knowledge that we have today. They instantly learned about wearing clothes, shame, and everything. When God saw that they had went to this forbidden tree he punished them by creating all the bad things in the world including pain for childbirth and things like bad weather (because the Garden was perfect). Also he sealed off the tree of life so no one could ever get to it.

Ignorance is bliss. Knowledge is power. These are two phrases constantly quoted and I'm sure other languages have their equivalent. Adam and Eve were in bliss, but they were also ignorant. They didnt wear clothes because they didnt know what wearing clothes was like. They didn't kill and eat animals because they didn't know what meat tasted like. They weren't territorial because they didn't know what it was like to own. So were they missing out by not eating from the tree of knowledge? Of course they were definitely missing out! They were happy but it was because they didn't know any better. Now the real argument is whether or not it is better to give up bliss (which come with ignorance) for knowledge (which comes at a price). Are you ready to deal with the price? Are you willing to devote the rest of your life to dealing with the consquences? Like humankind is spending its entire existence developing vaccines, working to protect ourselves from the elements, working to stop crime, etc.

My answer is of course I am!!

So for anyone who wants to know why i pretty much do what I want, thats part of my reasoning. This is why I'm whatev about decisions, and pretty apathetic over things that everyone thinks are a big deal. I know I'm probably going to have to pay a price for anything I do but I accept that willingly. I just do what I want now, and deal with it later. I know it isn't a good way for everyone to live but it fits me. It hurts me when people make one mistake and then make revelations like "I'm going to stop drinking" or "I'm going to give up playing guitar because it distracts me from school.". Like i dont see why people make these unrelated new rules for themselves over one misstep? If you fail a test oh well now you have to deal with it. Giving up guitar is not going to compensate for your failed test. You just deal with the failed test. If playing the guitar makes you happy don't get rid of it because you failed a test! Do you think making yourself suffer is going to like generate karma or something to make you pass the test? You already failed it! Go play your guitar and feel better about it and dont think about it until the next test comes. And my favorite **SARCASM** thing to hear is "I messed up and now I'm going to give up alcohol". I'm not talking directly to you Lisandra but just in general. Giving up alcohol doesnt fix the past. If you want to give up alcohol do it because you feel like giving it up, not because you want to fix some past situation. Anything you do, any decision you make, any risk you take should be because you want to do it. I'll be damned if I'm 50 and I find myself thinking damn i should have taken that chance when i was 18.

This blog started because Lisandra failgirl self told me "ugh! sex complicates things" and I thought about how duh! sure you might be happy before you have sex, but its because you have no choice but to. But once you open that door you've basically agreed to take the risk either it could turn out great or not so great. Risks like those are the true essence of life because we as humans can do what we want and we might as well because this ain't the garden of even.

-Dez Out

Porn rots your brain

I honestly feel like porn rots your brain. Troy watches porn in phases. He used to watch it all the time but now he only watches it when he's really horny and for some reason I guess I'm not doing it for him.

It kinda hurts my feelings tho because he's always putting it out there or always suggesting that he wants oral or anal all the time and it makes me feel like my pussy ain't shit.

I don't mind oral I don't mind it at all but it seems to me that troy is obsessed with it. He's always telling me to suck it and even tho its a jk manner most ppl say how they're feeling in a jk so the other person wont get mad. It's like all the time all I feel like he wants is for me to suck his dick!!!!! I told him b4 I hate doing it when he asks but it seems like that went out the window and he asks ne way!!!!

Then its the whole anal thing... I think its gay I think its a gay underlining thing for guys to wanna fuck a girl in the ass. He always putting it out there that he wants that too he always makes bets where if he wins he gets anal, or cums in my mouth just stuff that I don't do cuz I have my reasons.

It all hurts my feeling cuz he makes me feel like I am not a good lover. He always want to do those things those porn stars do. All rough and painful.. I feel like porn gives guys unrealistic hopes that girls will do that. I used to all that kinda stuff hang in there for stuff that felt good to him and not me and things that were just plan painful but I cant ne more we only have a small time frame to have sex and I don't wanna waste it on sex that don't feel good. So pardon me if it seems like I'm only worrying about myself.

I have to admit now that I have been very depressed lately. I don't eat I don't wanna eat and I sleep whenever I can cuz I'm sad.

I'm sad cuz I'm bleeding
I'm sad cuz I'm fat
I'm sad cuz I don't have ne fun
I'm sad cuz I don't have ne money
I'm sad cuz my mother is not supportive of me
I'm sad cuz I won't be able to do Christmas like i did last year
I'M JUST PLAIN OLD SAD!!!!

I just feel like I'm in a bind and I'm not getting out of it in the near future. I'm like flat broke as soon as I get money its gone, its like completely gone.

I feel like if I had my usual scapegoat I wouldn't feel this way or I'd continue to ignore everything but when something is wrong with my sex life everything that I normally hide from resurfaces and makes me feel bad. I think I need to take a break from sex and not treat it like a bath and do it daily but treated as scared and do it when it's deserved. Because for the past 7 years I've been using sex to hide my problems. I use to sex to keep my bf's around. I used sex to get back at bf's. I've been hiding behind sex for too long and I feel like I need to face my problems head on and deal with them. I'm sure this will be a long process but I think I need to do this cuz I need to learn to deal with my problems not ignore them.

So let me start at the beginning about how I'm sad about me bleeding. NO ONE WANTS TO BLEED EVERYDAY FOR WEEKS AT A TIME!!!!! Point Blank

I'm sad that I'm fat like I avoid looking in the mirror because I know I'm not gonna like what I am gonna see. I have rolls in my front and rolls in my back. I've always had a gut I don't mind that really but back rolls? Like I feel like I've become the fat chick of my group.

I don't have any fun. I feel like me not driving and me not having my license is a part in it too. So once I get my license I get take the kids and go out and not have to wait on ppl or have to follow ppl rules...
I just have to get lots of practice and driving so I can get my license.

I don't have any money simply because I ha vent bounced back from missing 2 months of work from having Caleb

Before I get into My mother I'll talk about Christmas. Last year I spent so much money on everybody!!!!! This year I wont have no where near that much money. I have to start saving as of next pay and get ready for Christmas so that means I wont have any leisure money until prob tax time or when the settlement comes thru hopefully it'll be soon but it won't be.

Ok so now to my mother. She is not supportive of me. When I tell her about medix she's always to bring up that I shouldve stayed at Coppin. It makes me feel so bad because I feel like I don't measure up to something. I feel like she's always indirectly putting me down. It makes me feel worthless and unworthy.

That's all the things that I'm sad about and I am gonna try not to be sad about them but face them head on. I know it'll be hard, and I know I'll probably cry but I will face them. because I am slowly realizing that nobody gonna be more proud of me than me so I will be my own biggest fan and I don't need nobody else to do it for me. Not my mother, not Troy not any body. So I just be my biggest fan, and keep it moving.

Turning a new leaf

~Mia~

ps this is the 100 posted blog to 2009 yay!!!

I Need To Chill

I was about to post some real cruddy shit but I need to just sit back and think. Real talk, shit got way to out of control for no reason at all. Like right now, I'm so mad that I want to cry but its not even all that. Like before all this shit we was mad cool and then dumbass alcohol and weed messed shit up, but I guess thats why weed is illegal and the drinking age is 21. Like just thinking back on these past couple months, I really have been acting reckless. Before I was innocent and I had shit planned out and lately, I've just been going with the flow but that def needs to stop. I need to put a check on myself. I am officially giving up alcohol (maybe weed lol).

In terms of him, I really am sorry if I hurt his pride. I honestly mean that. Like what I just did was hella petty but I was angry. Honestly, I think I only had sex as pay back for a pervious act that I was still slightly heated over. Like I know I kept saying I was ok with it but clearly I wasn't. Anyway, you were a good friend when you were sober and who knows? we might still have been friends if you had stopped drinking.

Anyway, I know there are people who read this blog and normally see me being a bitch or acting cruddy but I am not like that. I only blog when I am angry as a way to vent. It is rare that I blog just because. So just know that I really am a sensitive person and the way I am feeling right now proves it even when I don't want to accept it. If I could take it back, I would but I can't so now I have to move on.

WipeTheTearBeforeItFalls

Peace Sandra

I'm The Trouble Maker!!

Now everyone knows that I bite my tongue for NOBODY but I do occasionally alter what I say so I don’t hurt people’s feeling but at this point I really don’t fucking care! I am so tired of Justin and his bitchassness! He bitches all the fucking time and he needs to take two shots of testosterone and shut the fuck up! Honestly, there have been many occations on which his bitchassness had prevailed but two of them have really made me mad!

1. he made his facebook status about he had fun with his real friends…excuse me bitch! I’m not your real fucking friend?? Oh aight, next time you need a ride or you bored, call a fucking friend! Just because me and dez wanted to do something other then hookah, you bitching? Honestly, I didn’t want to hookah that bad but I knew Mia wanted us to come and I wanted Mia to be happy! I had already declined an offer to attend the hunted house with someone else inorder to do it. However, this second offer was willing to drive to PA (and not charge gas money) and provide weed and alcohol. Plus I was going with different people who I normally don’t hang out with. I don’t feel fucking bad that I decided not to hookah!!! I just saw Mia and Troy like a week ago and we went to the mall and we had so much fun. You want to know why you weren’t there?? Cause you never have ANY fucking money!! GET A JOB! I mean Mia and Troy have 2 kids and they go to school and they still work! I have a job and Dez makes money! She maintains a 3.77 gpa at Hopkins! That’s a full time gig! The reason you miss us so much is because we have LIVES and other friends (oh yet another thing you are missing!!). You don’t make friends at your school because you don’t try to! You just expect us to be there but real talk everyone in our circle is already partnered up! I mean Mia has Troy, I have Dez and when Jas comes back, she will join me and dez! I’m not saying this to be mean but you need other friends!!!

2. I AM STILL NOT OVER THAT DAMN DC TRIP!!! You bitch ass nigga!!! Number one, you offered to help me pay for Jasmine since she didn’t have any money and you was like oh I got her, I got her! Dezeray left her card at home cause you claimed you “had” her. Then we get to fucking dc and you’re the one bitching about me looking for parking and I told you a garage was $14 and you was like I got you! So after we park, we decide to go to the movies. I asked you could we go half on Jasmine and then you say you ain’t got enough?! Bitch you knew in fucking Baltimore you didn’t have enough! And then Jasmine was feeling bad so I got her ticket cause that’s what friends do!! and then after we get back to my car you don’t have the money for the parking you said you would pay for!!! UGH!!! That bothered the shit out of me but I let that shit go! BUT THEN YOU HAD THE FUCKING AUDACITY TO CLAIM DEZERAY OWED YOU A DRINK CAUSE YOU PAID FOR EVERYTHING IN DC!!! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!!!! That was why I drank all three drinks by myself! Bitch you didn’t pay for a DAMN thing and then are gonna expect someone to buy you something? FUCK THAT!

FOR THE FUCKING RECORD!!! Since I’m your “fake” friend, you can stay out of my fake ass car (which of course you have no problem with since Troy doesn’t mind picking you up until you get to the fucking point where you always assume you already have a seat!), you can stay away from my “fake” job, and you don’t have to come to my “fake” friend’s parties! Honestly, any event I attend will most likely be “fake” so don’t fucking come and don’t worry, as your “fake” friend, I won’t invite you! I know this does sound hella crud but that’s how I fucking feel!!! NO ONE and I mean NO MOTHERFUCK ONE not even young money has pissed me off like you have! I didn’t want to talk to him cause he made me mad but I don’t want to deal with you cause you’re a bitch and a gay bitch at that!! I think you real pussy (or dick) and not that “fake” ass shit you told us! If some bitch offered you sex, I’m sure you would sit there dumb founded and cum on yourself! UGH!!

CrudAsItMayBe

Sandra/Becky Out!