I used to have everything

What happened?

I used to have ambition, passion, intellect, charisma, everything.

I used to be so close to so many people. I used to run with the world, eat sleep and breathe motivation and drive. I used to be your typical Type A overachiever who wouldnt settle for anything less than perfection. I used to get excited about everything and always want to be involved. I used to be the energy of the group. I used to be the brightest crayon in the box. More kids looked up to me than I knew what to do with. Now I feel like all these valuable traits that made me special are all gone. Like it was once solid, but something turned it into sand slipping through my fingers. Literally i look around at my life and it feels like its in a bunch of little broken pieces. The past is all mixed up with the present and I can't find the future anywhere.

I'm having symbolic dreams and I keep playing dumb like I dunno what they mean but I do. They mean I lost my identity. The dreams keep getting worse and worse and more and more vivid.

It feels like I'm at the wrong place in the wrong time of my life. Like I'm completely out of sync with the world. Its so frustrating because its just this nagging feeling that something went out of place and its messing with how things are supposed to be now kind of like the butterfly effect? I cant express the feeling but its the worst in the world. Like I'm not supposed to be here. Not here as in here on earth, but here as in where I am at this point in time. Something feels wrong. I feel like I'm not matched up with myself or something like really its no way to describe it.

What I want more than anything is to go back and be that girl from high school again. Vibrant and carefree, crazy, exciting, lots of friends. Now all i want to do is sleep and I don't ever feel like doing anything involving people and I hate everything and everyone.

The best way to describe it is like a feeling of deep confusion mixed with depression mixed with helplessness. I just really don't know the root of it. I don't know if I hate class because I'm depressed or if I'm depressed because I hate class. Its so frustrating. Every morning I wake up I wish I were still asleep. I feel like I lost something central to who I am somehow. I dunno. I hate it. The only thing that works is escaping. But lately its been getting harder and harder to escape: alcohol, the internet, tv, they all dont work like they used to.

Its like a deep dark black hole that keeps growing and won't go away until I deal with it except I don't know how. I hate this dark side its like its chasing me. I have this imminent feeling of doom because whenever I try to envision myself in 5 years and I can't see anything. I feel like the peak of my life was that happy period in high school when everything was so perfect and I didn't have the pressures of the world on my shoulders. I hate the job market I hate having to meet new people I hate getting an education I hate building credit I hate everything!!!! I dont care who tells me I need to get over it I can't get over it now I'm depressed and people are gonna tell me is nothing I can do about it I have to move on and try to fucking pretend like I like being an adult?? Actually it is something I can do I can just refuse to do any of it. I can refuse to go to school or work or talk to people or what the fuck ever I don't even have to live your meaningless definition of a life in the first place.

I think I'm going to stop birth control this week because I heard they cause mood swings, and I don't know whether I feel depressed because of a chemical imbalance or whether I feel depressed because the weight of the world is suffocating me.