Lindsay Lohan

I like her because no matter what I do, shes done worse! So whenever I have a night like last night its cool because hers was prob x10 as trashy lol.

Yesterday was my birthday and i basically went off. My friends treated me to the best birthday I ever had (honestly) just by being there and partying with me and even organizing transportation and whatnot. I got completely wasted/trashed/sauced/bent whatever, etc. I don't really know what I had but I was tossed lol, I just kept drinking straight until the voice in my head told me to stop because I was toasted enough.

Smh... where is that little voice in my head when I'm out of control though? I'm wild, confident and everything. The word is reckless. And I dont think I take the consequences as seriously as I should take them because the alcohol wears off and goes away but like the aftermath still lingers. Like for one I definitely disobeyed the Golden rule just for a few minutes of selfish self indulgence. And for two, everyone thinks I did something else that I didn't do because it looked sketchy. Thats 2 things that disappear in my world right after the moment is over but are still lingering around in the real world, and will probably take a while before everyone forgets (like I already have).

The thing is society's standards say I should have remorse, but I don't, so I end up feeling bad about not being bad.

I already know I have a problem with being selfish. I know I have a problem with being told I can't have something and then having it anyway. But I don't know what to do about it. Its like I cant help myself I just do what I want. But I have to learn that doing what I want can cause people to be mad at me or hurt other people. I swear I dont mean to make anyone mad or upset but its like I dont understand the concept of boundaries and rules and sometimes it seems like I just break rules just to break them. Why I keep being so rebellious, I have no idea. Its not just when I'm drunk, its just more pronounced when I'm drunk. But even normal me is always trying to rebel, break rules, prove that society cant hold me down, be different, etc etc. I really dont want to be so selfish because now I see how that's crud and how I could lose friends over it. So in 2010 im going to make an effort to try and be more considerate of other people.

-Dez Out