I am so fucking tired!!

Okay, so let me begin. I am so tired of Troy's lazy ass. He doesn't clean, he doesn't pick up after his self, he doesn't do shit! It's starting to wear on my last nerve. My room is a fucking mess, I'm trying to clean up upstairs so we can clean up down here and move upstairs, but he is no help! He's always tired, always sleeping, always sore. He's always something and I'm getting tired of it. Yeah, he's a nice provider, when it come to money or driving somewhere, he's there for me. But when it comes to helping me out with something like cleaning he don't do it. He's always passing the buck onto somebody else. It's not my fault, and I feel like I am going crazy. In the morning he can never get the baby ready for me, he never wants to get up, he never wants to do anything. I can nerve even get him to wake the fuck up!! I am just so fucking tired of it!! I'm always on the go, always doing X,Y,& Z I hardly ever get a day to myself, just to relax and sleep, I'm always doing homework, cleaning, making bottles doing something that isn't just time for me. It's crazy and I'm tired of fussing about it, I'm tired of doing everything on my own plus going to school. I feel like I have 3 kids not 2.

But on the rare moments I do I masturbate. I have embraced it, I love it and I am no longer ashamed. Or only doing it when I'm desperate. I do it when I have time to myself. I'm tired of waiting on troy to please me, I am gonna do it myself and I do a good job at it. He's always bitching about me not cumming always being discouraged, but I'm like Troy, if you actually put forth the effort to please me or turn me on, you'll get results, I'm not gonna force myself to be turned on, I'm tired of me having to warm me up, or having sex cuz he wants to, I'm done, if he's horny and I'm not oh well... I want to be romanced, I want to be treated like a princess, I want to be just ugh more than just suck my dick and hop on it. I'm tired of that its getting boring it's getting redundant. I'm tired of the everyday fucking shit our sex life had become.

Another thing that I am tired of is being shaped like me. I feel fat, I feel ugly, I feel like i need to have a complete make over. All my friends are small, and I'm like the biggest one. All my friends have small unawkard boobs, no kids, pretty faces, just everything I'm not. I wanna go out with them, but I feel out of place sometimes, cuz they're all small and I'm huge. I feel like if we went out I would be cast the ugly fat one and get not even get the time of day from other ppl. they all have ppl on their heels. Ppl wanting to talk to them, and everything I feel that I'm no longer attractive. I feel big and out of place. I love my friends to death, but I'm just not on the same caliber as them. I don't feel as smart as them, I don't feel as pretty. I just feel just I can't even describe. Like I'm really good at hiding it, but one of my friends said something today that made me feel very insecure was when we was looking at Rihianna nude picks, and she said a friend of hers breast look just like Rihianna's perfect. And I'm looking that this pic like my boobs don't look like that, mines are bigger, my stomach don't look like that I don't look anything like perfection. I have stretch marks all over,I feel ugly and unattractive. That just made me feel even worst. I'm not all that attractive, nobody really even thinks about giving me the time of day not even my bf. It makes me mad. Ugh... I hate it sometimes I just wanna lay in the bed and sleep my life away. I wish I was pretty I wish I was shaped like My friends, and not all round and bulky.

Sometimes I think that if I wasn't so afraid of dying I would've been killed myself. I hate my body, I always hated it. I'm not happy with it in the least bit. I don't even like showing it to Troy. I feel like the fat friend, the one everyone befriends cuz they feel sry for her cuz she's fat.

If I ever get some money, serious money, I am gonna pay to change this. I am gonna get the perfect boobs that I don't even have to wear a bra to keep them up. Get a small frame, just the right curves so I'll fit in more with my friends, and not feel so out of place.

I never loved my body. I've always been bigger and bulky shaped. Not flat and smooth like them... I wish my body wasn't so ugly.....

Unhappy && Tired

~Mia~