I don't know why I'm so obsessive. I can't tell if its mood swings or what but I'm always so high strung. I cant figure out wtf is wrong with me I am never like this. Its like I am always thinking these crazy thoughts about things that are going on behind my back. I keep dreaming about motifs of losing control. If i have one more dream about my car being stolen!!!
If I don't hear from lisandra in one day, I imagine all kinds of crazy things happening- her messing with brittnie for money, her getting her car stolen, her going to see eric with no phone and then getting abducted, her sleeping with mia, even her just plain not thinking about me.
And with guys, I always imagine them being total jerks when I'm not around. I don't know if its true or not but its true in my head and thats all that matters. It messes with my head. Any guy I deal with or even just like I imagine banging all their girl friends and all their girl friends' friends and all my friends and every girl i see on facebook.
And all my friends I imagine them secretly liking my other friends better and wanting to hang out with them instead of me. I try to figure out what my friends think about me and wonder if they like each other better than me and compare my friendships with other people's friendships and try to see if my friends care about me as much as other peoples friends care about them.
It's like in my head something is always going wrong I'm so not normally like this, I don't know if its college, hormones, or what but I'm SOOO obsessive about everything. I try to analyze everything and figure everything out and no answer ever satisifies me. I keep analyzing religion and friendships and guys and life and success and failure and everything and I can't stop even when there is nothing to left to analyze, I sit and do exactly what I'm doing now: analyze why I keep analyzing.
When my car was making noise, I spent two days analyzing and driving myself crazy. I took something this big |--| and made it this big |------------------------------------------|. I didn't even go to class, I was so obsessive. I just googled it, went outside to listen to it, cried over it, and thought about nothing else besides my car couldnt focus on class or anything.
When my navel was infected, even though it wasnt the first time it happened, I obsessed over it to the point where I couldnt function. The first time it was infected back when i first got it done it was infected for like a month and I just lived my life carefree and happy and waited for it to go away naturally. But the second time which was recent it was only infected for three or four days and the whole time I couldnt take my mind off it and bought creams for it and looked up pictures of infected rings and read stories about people dying from it. It like interfering with my life how high strung I've become and I really need to relax.
It interfering with my friendships too, I feel like I ignore my friends because I'm always obsessing about something. I don't go to dinner or do much with my friends at hopkins because I'm never in the mood. Im too busy being depressed over something and obsessing. I neglect cleaning my room and neglect doing my schoolwork and neglect sticking to any goals I set for myself because im too busy with my obsessive thoughts. I might wake up and start obsessing over a zit, then the whole day I get nothing done. Or I might wake up and see a facebook status about great friends then the whole day Im thinking about my friends and if i have enough and what does this mean and I'm just so sick of being alone with my thought I have to be with someone all the time to take my mind away from itself. I just wish I could stop letting little things bother me that I know arent important because I used to be so carefree! Now I'm like a neurotic person and thats not who I am! I always tell people about how they will be so happy when they learn to let stuff go and stop being typical stressed out Americans worried about every little detail. Im supposed to live by my own philosophy I developed it what happened? I'm frustrated and right now obsessing over if my blog even makes sense im just going to post it before i revise it agian
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