When I grow up

When I grow up I will be fucked up mentally. I've realized that today and I have come to terms with it. At this stage in my life, developmentally, I should be experiencing life through trial and error. But instead I am raising a family and being broke and having to spend money on someone other than myself, which is something someone my age shouldn't be doing.

I live paycheck to paycheck, And if it wasn't with Troy I'd probably be assed out because he pays for everything for me. I hate it. I am sooooo used to doing for myself, last year I was doing me, taking care of me and everything. Now I am sooo behind. I feel like I can't catch up. Everything drives me crazy, I'm stressed beyond belief and I feel like I don't have no escape like I just wanna scream!!! But I can't because I'm a parent. Parent don't do that, Parents just deal with it. But I am also a teenager.

I always feel like I am having this internal conflict, one minute I wanna be grown because I have to be because I'm a mom, I am like a wife, I'm everything but what I wanna be. I wanna be a free spirited young teenager, that can go out and party and flirt with people and hangover people house, and do everything that I can't because I have 2 kids. And it doesn't help that my mother who normally would help me isn't. And I'm not talking financially, I'm talking like just watching them. She can't watch both of my children at the same time, and it bothers me. It bothers me that she makes it seem like the littlest things that happen to her (like Melanie spilling juice) is the end of the world. But if I make a big deal about my uncle saying that I should take my kids somewhere else to be watched instead of her watching them, that her sugar wouldn't have dropped, but when I saw that being offensive, I was taking it too personally!! This coming from the same uncle that when I was pregnant with Melanie, would speak to everybody in the room but not saw a word or even look my way. Some things, people just don't forget.

I already know that when I get older I will revert back to being a teenager, because I was never really a teenager. I am about 90% sure this will happen, but I will try my damnedest for it to not happed.

So back to me being stressed. I am so stressed and I don't get any sleep. I feel like I do so much, and I feel so under appiecated. I feel like what I do is expected. And that if I don't do it, than I am not doing my job. Like I'm so tired of people telling me about being a mother. And what mothers do. Because I do a fucking lot!!! A damn lot!!!!! And I am so tired of people just minding my business, and trying to put their input on my shit when they don't know shit about me.

I am just tired. I am tired of everything. Never in my life have I ever been as mad as I was at Melanie earlier. I felt like I could've killed her. I was sooooooo angry so pissed off, I've never felt that way towards her, and its killing me cuz i feel like I've only felt this way because I'm tired and stressed. I don't really wanna talk to anybody about it because I don't wanna hear anyones 2 cents.

I also feel like I'm doing all of this alone. I feel like Troy's just the money of it. I feel like I do everything else. And after I do everything, I'm tired and then he's mad at me because I don't have sex with him. But I feel like if he was proactive, and maybe did something for me without me telling him I wouldn't be as tired cuz some stuff would be done. I get so tired of telling him to do something. Why do I have to always ask you? your here just like I am right? So why do I have to tell you what needs to be done, you see it just as well as I do. So what's stopping you? you need someone to boss you around? why? I'm your girlfriend not your mother it's not my job to tell you what to do. That's why I just do it myself.

I'm just so tired, and frustrated and broke, I want another job, but that's another process. I'm like so done with everything!!!!! I am I'm just so done. I feel like I'm alone and lost and I don't have no one to talk to, cuz the person I normally talk to never answers her phone when I call cuz she's too busy doing everything else, so I'm just done. I'll be the adult I am supposed to me and suck it up and put a smile on my face and act like nothings bother me. That way at least everyone else around me will be happy. That's the most important part right? Because I know that I am not gonna be happy no time soon, everything that did make me happy is gone. Everyone I used to talk to is no longer giving a listening ear, so why bother. Why plague everyone else with my misery? It's not their problems it's mines.

~Mia~