Who are you? Your random!

Spoiled, Rebel, Clueless, Smart, Suburban, Goody Two Shoes, Addict, Class Skipper, looking back these are just a couple of roles I've held between now and high school. And I still haven't found myself. Its like I'm always going through a phase but sometimes I wonder when will I actually be who I'm supposed to be. I know I'm a late bloomer in the truest sense of the word, but it just seems like everyone around me is already sure of who they are but me. Lisandra is like, just Lisandra and we all know what to expect from her and what she likes and what she doesn't like. Mia is sure of who she is and no one is going to tell her differently. But me I'm just everything and unpredictable and unsure. I join groups and start projects and then get bored of them and it never seems like I can carry anything fully through. Sometimes I get called flaky which is unfair, I just might be overly spontaneous. I wish I could figure out why I just all of a sudden go through these phases and changes because its like I can't control them. I honestly like don't decide to go through a phase, they just come. And EVERY time I notice I'm in a new phase I think that's the me I'm going to stay my entire life but it isn't I always end up going through another new phase.

So this morning I woke up feeling really introspective and I realized I think I started a new phase. Here is what I noticed:

1. I have been listening to a lot of the music I listened to in high school lately. Like paramore and other bands.

2. I'm not trying to gain weight anymore. In fact I want to lose it. I actually have a desire to stay skinny again and its like I'm obsessed with being skinny

3. I really want a job. I know people think I'm not serious when I say I want a job more than anything else but it's really true. The only thing stopping me is I don't know what my second semester schedule looks like, so I don't know when my available hours are. But like I'm fucking bored as shit with school and I need something new and interesting to do with my life

4. I skip class on a daily basis. In fact I value school about 1/3 of what I used to value it.

5. I'm a smoker (not cigarettes, those are disgusting. just weed)

6. I **might** even want another tattoo. Or a piercing or something

7. I wear colored contacts, everything from blue to hazel to green to brown depending on how I feel at the moment

8. I don't wear makeup anymore because I prefer the fresh face look. Only mascara and lip balm

PAUSE

ok I remember distinctly within a year ago I once USED to:

1. bump young jeezy and hardcore rap music so everyone would believe i was dedicated to the streets,

2. i hated being skinny and used to overeat and try to get a thicker figure,

3. I didn't want to work because I don't need the money

4. I went to every class,

5. I didn't want to smoke because of the stigma,

6. I hated tattoos because they were permanent,

7. I hated colored contacts because I didnt see the point,

8. I bought a bunch of makeup because it seemed ladylike

UNPAUSE

Anyway I like who I am now better than who I used to be because I feel like I'm getting one step closer to having a purpose in my random life. Like I actually do feel passionate about some things, like the government controlling our lives for one which I am against. And also I feel passionate about judgmental people which I hate. And now I have a more realistic picture of life i.e. life is not just school its drinking and partying and socializing and working too. I feel more alive.

But whatev we'll see. Maybe this time it isn't a bunch of random shit, maybe this time I finally found my true self.