Porn rots your brain

I honestly feel like porn rots your brain. Troy watches porn in phases. He used to watch it all the time but now he only watches it when he's really horny and for some reason I guess I'm not doing it for him.

It kinda hurts my feelings tho because he's always putting it out there or always suggesting that he wants oral or anal all the time and it makes me feel like my pussy ain't shit.

I don't mind oral I don't mind it at all but it seems to me that troy is obsessed with it. He's always telling me to suck it and even tho its a jk manner most ppl say how they're feeling in a jk so the other person wont get mad. It's like all the time all I feel like he wants is for me to suck his dick!!!!! I told him b4 I hate doing it when he asks but it seems like that went out the window and he asks ne way!!!!

Then its the whole anal thing... I think its gay I think its a gay underlining thing for guys to wanna fuck a girl in the ass. He always putting it out there that he wants that too he always makes bets where if he wins he gets anal, or cums in my mouth just stuff that I don't do cuz I have my reasons.

It all hurts my feeling cuz he makes me feel like I am not a good lover. He always want to do those things those porn stars do. All rough and painful.. I feel like porn gives guys unrealistic hopes that girls will do that. I used to all that kinda stuff hang in there for stuff that felt good to him and not me and things that were just plan painful but I cant ne more we only have a small time frame to have sex and I don't wanna waste it on sex that don't feel good. So pardon me if it seems like I'm only worrying about myself.

I have to admit now that I have been very depressed lately. I don't eat I don't wanna eat and I sleep whenever I can cuz I'm sad.

I'm sad cuz I'm bleeding
I'm sad cuz I'm fat
I'm sad cuz I don't have ne fun
I'm sad cuz I don't have ne money
I'm sad cuz my mother is not supportive of me
I'm sad cuz I won't be able to do Christmas like i did last year
I'M JUST PLAIN OLD SAD!!!!

I just feel like I'm in a bind and I'm not getting out of it in the near future. I'm like flat broke as soon as I get money its gone, its like completely gone.

I feel like if I had my usual scapegoat I wouldn't feel this way or I'd continue to ignore everything but when something is wrong with my sex life everything that I normally hide from resurfaces and makes me feel bad. I think I need to take a break from sex and not treat it like a bath and do it daily but treated as scared and do it when it's deserved. Because for the past 7 years I've been using sex to hide my problems. I use to sex to keep my bf's around. I used sex to get back at bf's. I've been hiding behind sex for too long and I feel like I need to face my problems head on and deal with them. I'm sure this will be a long process but I think I need to do this cuz I need to learn to deal with my problems not ignore them.

So let me start at the beginning about how I'm sad about me bleeding. NO ONE WANTS TO BLEED EVERYDAY FOR WEEKS AT A TIME!!!!! Point Blank

I'm sad that I'm fat like I avoid looking in the mirror because I know I'm not gonna like what I am gonna see. I have rolls in my front and rolls in my back. I've always had a gut I don't mind that really but back rolls? Like I feel like I've become the fat chick of my group.

I don't have any fun. I feel like me not driving and me not having my license is a part in it too. So once I get my license I get take the kids and go out and not have to wait on ppl or have to follow ppl rules...
I just have to get lots of practice and driving so I can get my license.

I don't have any money simply because I ha vent bounced back from missing 2 months of work from having Caleb

Before I get into My mother I'll talk about Christmas. Last year I spent so much money on everybody!!!!! This year I wont have no where near that much money. I have to start saving as of next pay and get ready for Christmas so that means I wont have any leisure money until prob tax time or when the settlement comes thru hopefully it'll be soon but it won't be.

Ok so now to my mother. She is not supportive of me. When I tell her about medix she's always to bring up that I shouldve stayed at Coppin. It makes me feel so bad because I feel like I don't measure up to something. I feel like she's always indirectly putting me down. It makes me feel worthless and unworthy.

That's all the things that I'm sad about and I am gonna try not to be sad about them but face them head on. I know it'll be hard, and I know I'll probably cry but I will face them. because I am slowly realizing that nobody gonna be more proud of me than me so I will be my own biggest fan and I don't need nobody else to do it for me. Not my mother, not Troy not any body. So I just be my biggest fan, and keep it moving.

Turning a new leaf

~Mia~

ps this is the 100 posted blog to 2009 yay!!!