So, I'm bout tired of Demetrius shit too but his ass needed his own blog! Aight, so last night, of course I'm wasted! It was my last day of class and I had been busting my ass for a month! A whole month of no drinking and not really partying or going out or doing anything fun! Anyway, we having a discussion with these guys and Demetrius comes up. At the same time, what do you know?! He updates his facebook status! So I call him and we gets to talking/arguing (mind you this is at like 4am) and basically, I told him I needed to know where I stood! His reply was, I thought we wasn't catching feelings! Time out!! I'm not catching any feelings boo, I just need to know! I'm not the type of female to be fucking 2 or 3 niggas at one time! If you don't wanna fuck me, fine! I can move the fuck on!My whole problem with him and that he says shit like, you only hit me up when you want dick and thats fucked up (we're fuck buddies, why else would I hit you up??). So I assume that meant you wanted me to hit you up other times. So I did. Anyway, long story short, yesterday on the phone he tried to flip it like you be around so often and people starting to think you my girl and blah blah blah...and you and ya friends need to stop calling me lil boy and blah blah blah!
Aight all of that shit could have been handled when I went and saw his ass last friday! We talked about it and he end by saying, I'ma be here saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday and thursday and I replied that I still wasn't gonna chill with his ass and he told me I was wrong. Guess what? I was right!! He was busy...I understand. I wasn't pressed BUT I was right and there was no point in him trying to front about it
*************************
I wrote this a couple days ago and I was so angry that I just stop writing and ran to the bathroom and burst out crying...like I clearly wrote an earlier blog about how great he was and now I'm realizing he's just an ass like the rest of them! I don't know...like he does have the potential to be a good guy cause he does little shit when I'm mad at him or whatever to make me forgive him but honestly I would rather us just stop dealing with each other all together....sheet ain't worth it and I realize I can't just have sex and spend time with someone without catching some kind of feelings...oh well, bout to deticate this energy to somewhere else....maybe get a new fish or something
IDKHowToFeel
SadSandraOUt
Playing Games
Tired
So tired of this bullshit!!! I was already tired and shit but now this fool at work wanna be irritating me! ugh this is why I need to marry rich! Forget all that marrying for love and what nots! I need a millionaire so I don't have to work and can be a kept woman! Like the rules at this job are dumb...they weren't dumb when I started but they dumb now!! UGH!! no lie....I give Mia and Troy all the props in the world cause idk how they do it! If I was Mia and had a baby and sheet, I would be trying to get me a man with money and who is established and all that good shit but she is marrying the guy she loves and willing to struggle together! Honestly, if I do get hire elsewhere, I'm leaving the damn aquarium! I mean I'm leaving in August anyway so what difference is a couple of months gonna make! Every supervisor wanna do their own thing and enforce certain things and not others and that shit is dumb! If its slow as shit, duh I'm get on the internet! Ain't shit else to do! I don't have any homework, ain't no customers and NO I AM NOT STAMPING NO DAMN TICKETS!! I don't care! you ain't doing shit in that office but watching youtube videos or on facebook or apply for other jobs! Or of course, geeking! Get the fuck out my face with that bullshit!!
And you know what, its not even my job that is bothering me! Its the people around me in general! they just been pissing me off! We'll start with kahri! This nigga annoyed me for 2 hours trying to get me to talk to dezeray! Mind ya fucking business!!! You don't even live here!! He talking boout he wants us to be friends when he comes home for xmas and shit! I don't fucking care! it aint about what you want nigga! you aint in this friendship and don't think I'ma act phoney just to make ya ass happy! He's like dezeray did the same shit to me! she deleted me off facebook and deleted my number and blah blah blah...she don't think when she do stuff but I kept calling her and bothering her and now we friends! KAHRI THERE IS A FUCKING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND ME!! NUMBER ONE, I do not need friends!! I'm not gonna commit suicide because she stopped talking to me! Oh well, if we never speak again, we just don't! Obviously, we share friends so eventually, we'll run into each other but since she goes out of her way to be M.I.A. from every event I'm at, I don't care! She tells people to tell me she don't wanna talk about it and she don't want any drama. HA! Don't talk to me then! Simply as that, you would think after being my best friend she would know better than that but I guess not! NUMBER TWO, this is the last time I am saying it, to him and to everyone else! I have never and will never chase after someone who doesn't want to be chased! Thats not my style! I do know how Dezeray acts and that she does this often...I don't care. I'm not chasing her and begging for her forgiveness! That shit was crudy and I don't fucking care! Everyone is talking bout I hurt her feelings and all this other shit, she should have told me that shit herself! She should have talked to me instead of deleting me on facebook and then yelling at me in the thread to leave her alone. Fine. This discussion is over and it's not open for discussion again. The next person to talk to me about her or try to convince me to talk to her or whatever is getting cussed out off bat!
What else? hummm....oh yea my other teacher sending us emails about readings and assignments for next semester! BITCH! school ended yesterday...leave me the fuck alone! I don't want any emails from you until january! I really want ya ass to GO AWAY!!! ugh...sheet like this makes me wanna transfer to morgan! I hate annoying ass teachers who nag you by email every minute because they care! I don't care about you! your not my mother so fall back bitch! ugh and then my other teacher apologizing for some shit that was in her control! I'm not gonna validate your guilty feelings! No, I'm not gonna tell you its ok and blah blah blah! Get out of my face bitch! I don't care that your so so so so so so sorrrrryyyyy and you wish there was something you could do! There is something you can do! fix that shit! ugh....I got another rant coming lol
PissedTheFuckOff
Lisandra
13 days left
It's alot so lets get started...
day 9 through day 22
Day 9.
Dear PostSecret,
I wanna join the military so bad, but I'm scared to.
Love,
Mia
I do. To me the military is so sexy and so strong, everything I never felt I was. I love how strong the men in the army appear and how patriotic they are. The thought of them makes me feel warm and safe.
Day 10
Dear PostSecret,
I lost my virginity Dec. 9, 2003. I regret not the person I lost it with, but the age that it was done.
Love,
Mia
I was 13 years old when I lost my virginity. I was so young and so naive, like it makes me feel bad sometimes when I think of how young and I was. I lost it young because I felt that no one would like me or want me unless I just gave it up, I figured once it was gone I wouldn't have to worry about people asking for it and making me think they liked me when really all they wanted was to sleep with me. Yea I know it's a stupid reason but I was young like I said. I wish I could've just waited until I had some sense enough to know what I was actually getting into.
Day 11
Dear PostSecret,
I wish we where closer. I wish we didn't fight so much.
Love,
Mia
I love my brother. We used to be close when I was younger, but when I got older it seemed like we grew apart. It makes me jealous when I see his cousin Sean and Neka's reactions between each other, they are so close and I'm sure they fight, but I've never seen them fight. It also makes me jealous when him and his brothers all go out but when I ask him like I wanna go he'll say oh you gotta be older or something and his other brother is younger than me. And when I say something to my mother she always told me it's cuz I'm a girl. All i ever wanted was a close relationship with my brother.
Day 12
Dear PostSecret,
I'm afraid the world will end in 2012 and I haven't accomplished anything.
Love,
Mia
I am deathly afraid of being a failure or failing. And this whole 2012 thing is scary to me. Yea it may not be true but only time will tell, but in the meantime, me abruptly dying before my full adult life, or my kids adult life scares me.
Day 13
Dear PostSecret,
I want to be a firefighter because they're hot!! :)
Love,
Mia
This kind of co-relates with the military thing... NEXT!
Day 14
Dear PostSecret,
I was 5 years old when I first masturbated. Idk what made me or what prompted me to, all I kno is from 5-13 I did it constantly.
Love,
Mia
I don't know how to explain or give the story behind this one. I was 5 and once I was alone long enough from 5 on up I would do it for HOURS! I would make myself come like 50 times a night every other day. Just constantly, I loved the way it felt, the way it made me feel... I know it was young and I can't change that I just wish I knew what made me start.
Day 15
Dear PostSecret,
I've always wanted to rob something lol but my heart wouldn't allow me.
Love,
Mia
I just always wanted to rob something and get away with it, but the idea of getting caught scares me. I don't wanna go to jail lol
Day 16
Dear PostSecret,
When I was younger I swore I was adopted. If I was it would explain why I'm not like anybody else in my family.
Love,
Mia
I am lovey, dovey sugar and spice with everything nice. My mother and brother are so to themselves and don't show there emotions on there sleeves like me like I never felt like I belonged with them. I always felt like the black sheep in my family and when I was younger being adopted would've just explained everything to me. Seeing as those I am not, I'm left with more questions :(
Day 17
Dear PostSecret,
Small things always make me feel special.
Love,
Mia
I've always felt so insignificant that even the tiniest things would make me feel special and make me wanna give my all. That's just the way I am.
Day 18
Dear PostSecret,
I wish my father was still in his right mind, I miss the days when we would hang out all day. Even though he was always high he never miss treated me and I miss that.
Love,
Mia
My father stop using drugs and it seem like his state of mind went with it. My dad was great to me, even though he got high he always told me loved me and always showed me he cared. He wasn't the greatest person, but he was the best to me. Plus he NEVER lied to me. NEVER I appreciate that.
Day 19
Dear PostSecret,
I'm happy I didn't kill myself, I realize life is about more than the pain. It's a lot more joyful now than then.
Love,
Mia
I was such a miserable child, I always wanted to kill myself. I was always alone, and I always felt unloved. I'm happy I didn't I wouldn't have the joys that I have now, which are my kids, and My future husband.
Day 20
Dear PostSecret,
I love him sooooo much, but he is one of THE MOST annoying people I ever met.
Love,
Mia
I love Troy, he is my heart he is my rock, but oh my goodness he urks me!!!! He just does shit that just annoys the fuck out of me and I'm like why would you do that? Like the stuff he considers fun and joking are annoying to me, and I feel bad because sometimes I feel like we don't have anything in common! But he's my love and I wouldn't change him for nothing because that annoying stuff is what made me love him.
Day 21
Dear PostSecret,
I can't remember the last time she told me she loves me.
Love,
Mia
I can not remember the last time my mother told me she loves me. I hear her tell Melanie from time to time or Caleb, but I believe I had to be either 13 or 15 the last time she said it. I've dealt with the fact that her or my brother don't like to say I love you, but it's nice to be reinforced and not just understood. When I noticed this I started to cry, but I figured why? It's been so long why should I waste the tears, I know she loves me, and she know that I love her.
Day 22
Dear PostSecret,
I look at porn and envy at what he likes.
Love,
Mia
Troy likes red-heads, I could never be a red-head. It's not in my blood to be one lol it makes me jealous when we watches porn and talks about how he like tattoo girls with red hair and I'm not that. It makes me sad and makes me feel some kind of way as if I'm not enough for him or as good looking as he wishes.
That's enough for now, and that was a lot. 22 days down and 13 more to go.
<3miachennelle<3
Fall for your type
This song by Jamie Foxx and Drake came on the TV today and it made me start thinking. Just watching scenes from the video, and listening to it... I couldnt help but see reflections of myself in it. The girl in the video seemed like she was caught in her own world, and Jamie was basically wondering why he always fell for her type and hoping falling for her wouldn't turn out to be a mistake.
Day 4-8.. or so I think lol
You know the deal so no need in wasting time explaining!
Day 4
Dear PostSecret,
I'm happy that I'm over him.
Love,
Mia
Short and sweet. I'm happy that I'm over Melanie's father. To be honest, I didn't think I'd ever be over him. As much as I hated being with him, he was all I knew really. I was with him for practically all my teenage years, we grew up together and we knew each other, we still know each other and we still can finish each other sentences but it just wasn't meant to be, if I was with him I wouldn't be as successful as I am now nor would I have my fat man.
Day 5
Dear PostSecret,
I love being a mommy more than anything. I feel like it's my life's destiny.
Love,
Mia
I LOVE being a mother, I love the whole process of it, the proud times, the sad times, the angry times, all of it. I have 2 beautiful children and I love them even when they make me upset. I've always wanted to be a mother, when I was younger I wanted dolls, because I love pretending to have children, I even used to pretend to make them lol. If I could be a stay at home mother, I would. Or have my own business from home, I would I just love being a mom, and I don't care that I became one at 15 either. Would I change that? NOPE it only made me stronger.
Day 6
Dear PostSecret,
I'm afraid to officially be on my own.
Love,
Mia
I am afraid of failure. I'm afraid of having to come back home because I failed. I feel like I'm too young but I'm not. I just feel kinda rushed, but I know it's for the better. I know that me and Troy are making the right decisions, but I'm afraid. And I feel like there's nothing wrong with that.
Day 7
Dear PostSecret,
I always thought my life was a story being told to kid angels.
Love,
Mia
Idk it's just something silly I believed when I was a kid. lol nothing more
Day 8
Dear PostSecret,
If she told me those three words more often, I wouldn't have went looking for it.
Love,
Mia
My mother wasn't the type to say I love you. She always told me that I knew that she loved me. But there are somethings that kids need and like to hear. My brother is just like her. His gf tells me all the time how she wants him to get in touch with his emotions. But he's not like that just like my mom isn't. I just wanted to be loved. That's is. I know she loves me, but I just wanted to be hugged kissed and told that I'm loved. She never did that for me. So now, I tell me kids that I love them everyday, I kiss them, hug them and I want them to know how much they mean to me, I don't want them to grow up not feeling the love I felt.
That's it for now.
tobecontinued
<3miachennelle<3
Just On My Mind
So I randomly ended up on the blog today which I think was a sign that I totally need to blog plus I have shit on my mind and I can not concentrate on papers or anything like that until I get this off, so here goes.
First School. Yea that hell hole! When I first started college, I totally thought that I would do my 4 years here and then do my 2 years of grad and then get a job as I work towards my PhD and then have a baby! However, as I grow and mature, I realize I HATE SCHOOL!! Its not that I don't love to learn or that I'm lazy but I hate the entire process! I bust my ass for 3 months, get some grades and do that shit again in the spring! Than after 4 years of this cycle, I graduate with a slip of paper that says I busted my ass for 4 years and now I am ready to bust my ass for another 2! SCHOOL NEEDS LUBE IF IT WANTS TO BUST MY ASS SO MUCH!!! At this point, I want to have a baby when I graduate! I want to be a mommy and have my own little apartment
(*sidenote I always wanted an apartment cause it was lonely never having neighbors growing up but that's another blog*)and my man or husband and I just be a stay at home mom! Who cares if I wasted 4 years of college and being bilingual?! Why should stay at home moms be uneducated?! I'm just saying, I'm starting to think grad school ain't for me and that I need to change career goals. Can I just get a job until I find Mr. Right who can take care of me and our child and I can quit and live out my days cooking and cleaning??
Second Life. Its here. Thats all I can describe it as. Life is like a speeding train but there is no one to stop it! My friends are what they have always been. Mia is mommy. Justin is cook. Dez is avoidance (No we're still not "friends" but we communicate indirectly which is better than nothing because I missed her in my life). Troy is working man. Jas is absent actress. However, as usual with the seasons changing, so does my love life. I have a new boo from detroit. He goes to hopkins and I adore him. I actually see him being in my life for a long time because he is genuinely different than all the others. I mean with any other relationship, I started on all the wrong notes and we rushed into it and before long, 3 months in they said they loved me and I said it back without really meaning it. This time it's different. He hasn't rushed me for a relationship or even pressured me to settle down. We always have fun and laughing and we can do homework together (WHICH HAS NEVER HAPPENED CONSIDERING SCHOOL IS 85% OF MY LIFE). I can just really see myself being with him someday and it feels good to know I don't need to make that decision now. I want what Mia and Troy have and I don't mind waiting to have it! Other than that, my mom is my mom. She thinks she's sexy now and would like to be called by her first name! That lady is a trip!
I gotta get to work but maybe I'll blog later today.
TaTaForNow
Sanda Out!
Coming clean
So for the past 3 days I have been posting a status addressed to post secret and confessing something about myself. So to go along with those statuses I will write the story that goes with it here on the blog. I will do this until the end of the year because I do not wanna go unto e new year or becoming 21 holding on to past issues and secrets, consider this a re-birth.
Day 1
Dear PostSecret,
I feel like I'm not as smart as my friends.
Love,
Mia
Its not much to say about this besides what it states. I don't feel as smart as my friends. (By friends I mean my fellow bloggers of this blog and other friends) Like they all got scholarships and all have there school thing going and I feel I guess stupid because I'm not in school and idk I just feel like an outsider. They all are smart and talented and doing well in school like idk its hard to explain and I'll go into details later when I feel like it.
Day 2
Dear PostSecret,
I just want her to be as proud of me as she is of him.
Love,
Mia
I've probably talked about this in previous blogs about how I feel like my mom isn't as proud of me as she is my brother. I feel like the black sheep at times because she treats us differently. She's always down my back about something, but she was never on him as much as she is on me. Like he's so successful and has so much to show for everything and me I'm still at home with 2 kids. I've done successful things, I work I'm always trying to better myself, but I just feel like i can't compare to him.
Day 3
Dear PostSecret,
I like to stare at him when he's not looking at me. :)
Love,
Mia
I think that Troy has the most beautiful eyes and facial feature, it's almost baby like when I look at him, like I just love to stare at him while not looking and see the handsome man I'm about to marry.
that's all I've done so far I will blog everyday or every couple of days and reveal the secrets and the stories behind them.
timeforhealing
<3miachennelle<3
Bullshit.
So I'm blogging today because I am tired of bullshit! Melanie's father is upset because she doesn't like going over his house. He starts talking about how he does so much for her and that everything he does its for her, but she says she doesn't like it at his house and he just gives up. I told him that you can't just give up and say that you don't want her to come over anymore because she hurt your feeling. NIGGA I;m gonna need for you to get your feelings together. She is a child, YOUR child. And you cannot just give up because she hurt her feelings. And it makes me think that people like him are the people who hurt there kids because things aren't going right. Also it's not fair. You see her twice a month, yea anything I ask you for I get, but steal what gets me is that when she's sick, I nurse her, when she cry, I'm there wither I want to or not, I have to be there cause she is my child and I don't have any other choice. You cannot tell me that you have a choice because its other dead beat fathers out there. You can't justify your actions by saying that other people do it. Other people aren't her father you are. What pisses me off most is that this is the second time he said this.
I don't have an exit. I have my kids both of them all the time. I don't have an exit. I don't get to come home and relax talk to people and do whatever I want,I have to come home and be mommy. I'm always mommy while he's daddy for 2 weekends out the month and he works 2 days out of the three and for him to say that he don't wanna deal with it anymore pisses me off. You can't just give away your child because they hurt your feeling tough shit!!! I bust my ass working to jobs to make sure that my kids don't want for anything and I can't just give them away cause I'm tired!! THAT'S BULLSHIT!
sotiredofit
<3 miachennelle <3
Post Secret
So I read the book earlier at work and it has motivated me into submitting my own, post secret.
Not that I have major secrets that could like ruin my or anyone else's life, like it's just somethings that people hold onto. Somethings people wanna take to the gave because they don't wanna feel judged.
Some people are walking truth boxes because they really don't have a sense of self.
I'm not sure what I fall under, but I am gonna decorate the cover. and it's gonna be my little secret.
sssshhhhh
<3 miachennelle <3
When a woman is in love
When a woman is in love, she'll do anything to please her man. She'll do things that she said she'd never do. She'll wake up and the morning and start thinking about him. When she rested her head, it was him who was on her mind.
This is what I do everyday. I'm in love. I do things that I swore, I'd never do. I think about him constantly waiting for his next touch, and when he does touch me, I realize that it was worth the wait. I love laying with him and looking into his eyes. Dreaming of what forever will feel like. Laying into his arms smelling his love. I love this man, and I love everything about this man.
If only the time we spent together would tick on forever. If only the love we make, would last an eternity. If only I could yours forever and a day...
But I know that soon enough time will allow this. Together we will be in this life and another. Nothing can stop true love, and I met you for a reason. I can't wait until my soul has it's mate and with you I can be with forever.
When a woman is in love all she thinks about it you.
<3 miachennelle <3
Got the peephole to my soul
Sooo... A lot has happened and nobody is blogging so I will try to cover as much as I can within this blog and as much as I feel like typing.
So, I finished Medix and got a job. I hate it, but it's a job none the less. My life isn't bad either. Me and Troy are getting married next year and I am very excited :) he's my baby and I wouldn't imagine it no other way. Caleb is big walking saying a few things and getting teeth. He's 14 months. Melanie is doing great in school, she's writing and learning to read too.
Besides that I can't think of too much else to say lol but I will defiantly try to blog more often :)
happilyinlove
<3 miachennelle <3
Umm Yea....
So no one has bloggged in like 2 months and I was the last one to blog but I don't care. When its something on my mind that needs to be let out, I need to share with the world. So my birthday was exactly one week ago and I am now 20!! I don't really feel any different and I've been sick all week so no big hoopla. lol I didn't really do anything but hang out with my bestie Niks and drink hypnotic (btw bout to be my new nuvo!) We went to syracuse the weekend before and it was cool. I acted like a bratty bitch the second night but I think it was cause I was mad going into the trip and alcohol induces everything lol...so me and quentin broke up, thats all there is to it.....anyway once again not whats on my mind!!!!
So, the love of my life is no longer my friend. Yea, I'm talking about Dez. She was my other half, my rock, the other pea in my pod, the ying to my yang. It sucks not having her around or texting her or having random times on facebook. I miss her slow moments and her witty comments and her inate ablity to cheer me up even when I was slowly dying. Most of all, I miss just seeing her and her hugging me for no reason at all but just because I was there. Ugh, but what totally sucks is that she didn't even give me a reason. Matter of fact, if it wasn't for facebook I would have never known. Ain't that shitty? Like she said she was hurt but that was it? Hurt by what?? And I've been hurting all summer so now what? Everybody keeps saying you know how she is and blah blah blah but so what?? She also knows how I am and I'm just tired of it. Part of me wants to delete her out of my life the way she did me but I can't. Like early I was looking of facebook and she is in 90% of my pictures! She has been here through sick and health, for richer or poor! Like I remember when I had swine flu and she talked to me everyday when I ws in confindment! Or when I got sick after city-poly and she nursed me back to health! Or when we studied at Notre Dame and nothing was accomplished but it was cool cause we were together. Ugh, its just fustrating more then anything else. Idk what to do or if I should even care anymore. I'm tired of crying over an issue that is out of my control. Bronwyn Polson said "Whoever said friendship is easy has never had a true friend." Hope this is true about us.
NotWastingTears
Sandra Out
Dear Love: Second Letter
Dear Love,
I am writing you again but this time everything has changed. I no longer wonder where you went or wish you would come back. I think you never visited me a first time. Maybe I imagined it because I wanted it to be true. Or maybe you were just a ghost who haunted me day and night. Whatever the case, I will no longer await your visits and wear my heart on my sleve like some fool. I am officially over you. It feels so good to say it now. I never thought I would honestly mean it but after last night, I realize that you were not worth it. You were not worth it then and you are not worth it now. The things I did for you are crazy and I see today that I was blinded by you.
FinalGood-Bye
Sandra
Untitled
Dear Greg,
I hope one day that you read this and feel like shit. I gave up my entire fucking life for you and you threw it back in my face. I can honestly say it might have been my fault. You were honest with me every strep of the way and still I thought that I could change you! When you told my best friend you loved her and then broke her heart, I forgave you. When you ruined a great friendship with my baby sister, I forgave you. When you ruined my high school graduation, I forgave you. When you ended my engagement, I forgave you. When you fucked up my birthday, I forgave you. But for August 19, 2010, I will never forgive you! You looked me dead in my face and lied to me. Not only that but you proved that it was nothing but a physical thing for you. "Come on, I miss your head. It was so good. I miss your pussy. I wanna do it again" Yup, your fucking words! And as you said them, I realized that you don't give 2 shits about me! I'm nothing more than a convenient suck and fuck! It just happens that I'm also cute. And then you said that you could lose me. HA! I wanted to ask you why but I was afraid of your answer. I wanted you to say it was cause you loved me and would miss me but I'm sure it's because I can suck dick and my pussy is tight!! And when I still told you know what do you do?? Toss me to the side and tell my best friend you want a second chance! *correction: not to the side but to your best friend!* Ain't that some shit! You would let your best friend fuck me just like that, huh? All that shit about you wanting to be the only one was PURE DO-DO!!!! OMG! like I wish I could say that I'm not mad or bitter about it but I am! I'm happy that your ex cheated on you and broke your heart! I am so happy!! I wish me and her were on speaking terms so I could thank her! You asked did I know what it felt like when you would do anything for someone and they throw it back in your face and the answer is yes. I did everything I could to make you happy and you threw it back in mine. And then has the audacity to try and move on in my face! I only regret on beating ya ass! I should have used that golden opportunity to slap that little grin off your face! Ha! If I see you again, I'll make you regret everything.
LoveDontLiveHere
Lisandra
If you could instantly become an expert at one style of dance, what style would you pick?
Contemporary
Broke
I am soooo freakin broke right now. And it seems like its only getting worse. these are my bills....
200-cell phone bill
228- cell phone bill
90- Melanie Daycare (cuz her father wont pay for it cuz he's a fuck face)
80-school bills
254-auto insurance
130-trip
200-new phone
This is in order of importance but I only have 100 each week actualy 80 once u include gas. I have all this stuff coming at me at once n idk what to do. I'm just so fuckingg confused and so stressed idk what to do... ugh....
New Beginning
So I'm with a new dude now. He wanted me to blog about him but there's not much for my to say...It's not that I'm not excited or anything like that, it's just awkward cause he asked me to blog about him. His name is Quentin, he's 19 and he's graduating from Northwestern in a week
**sidebar** I know earlier I said I was only messing with older guys but 1) we are the same age 2)he's mature for his age.....and I've learned that older guys are just as immature as younger ones so maybe guys just never grow up!**
Anyway, we live together and he wants to have a baby and get married and stuff and its all real cute! And it's not just about the sex like with some of my exes cause I actually like just hanging out with him and playing cards or watching movies or doing nothing but laying in bed breathing! Like we honestly pretend to be sleep just so we don't have to get up and let go of each other (he thought I ain't know that!!!) And he does sweet little things like rub my feet and make me mozzarella sticks and clean up my room!! or when I'm being lazy and denny aint home, he's run to my car to get me something lol. And like we actually been places like we went to houlihans and the china buffet and cici's and other food places (cause yall know I'm fat on the inside) and we had a blast and it wasn't all sucky like dinner with Brittnie (where we talked about everything that I ain't wanna talk about) or aggravating (like anything involving eric) or sexual driven (GREG!). It was just chillz and fun! GO Q BEAR! I mean i don't really have much more to say since I only blog when I'm feeling a certain way lol
MoreToCome
Sandra Out
I better find your loving... I better find your heart
I am in love with this song and then the video just makes it sooo much better.
Things have been ok recently I can't really complain I went to Virgina Beach last weekend and it was fabulous! Me and Troy had a great time, but for some reason now he seems... different.... like he seems distant to me. But then again it could just be me... idk.....
I'm within my last mod at school!!! YAY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! It doesn't seem like its been that long. But I'm excited now I just have to get the money so I can take the CMA in October.... however if I can't do it I'll defiantly take the RMA in like August and take the CMA next year... If I don't have I don't have it.
I'm just a little happy like I'm in a fuck you I'm worrying about me mode like I not gonna stress about stuff I don't have any control over so... yea...
#ontothnextone
~Mia~
I Wish I Could Give You This Feeling
So this semester has been one of the hardest for me. First, I couldn't pay tuition and then I was in a new relationship and of course, the damned snow. For anyone who isn't from Baltimore, it snowed so bad that schools were closed for a week! Do you know what happens in a week in college?! Everything! You go through like 4 chapters and then some! And of course, college professors do not change their syllabus around for anybody so they just kept on going and crunched everything into the week when we came back! And then to make things worse, they decide to have assignments due during the snow which sucked ass since we couldn't really ask questions since there was little feedback. Anyway to get to the point, by the grace of God I got 2 C, a B, and a B+!!! I am so happy! I was expecting 3 Fs and a B+ lol I mean my GPA dropped to a 2.6 but thats fine because I know I can pick it back up next semester! and that bitch who told me that she thought I couldn't make it, FUCK YOU! Yea I said it!!
^^1^^
Oh and I saw Greg at Quentin's prom and he looked good, as always lol. But I was able to maintain my composure and I didn't even get all weak around him. Like I can honestly say I am OVER his bullshit and foolishness. Yes, I will always love my lil Billy and I will always care for him but he will no longer dictate my life! I will no longer break up with people in hopes of getting him back because honestly if he really wanted to be with me like he said he did, he would have tired hard as hell! Like I understand he got a job and went to school but those are things he should have been doing anyway, right? Yea they are!!! I just feel so liberated now! like if me and him NEVER speak again, I will be ok with that and this time I really mean it lol sheettttt a very good friend of mine once told me that good dick ain't worth all this drama! THANK YOU MIA!! I should have listened then!
ThankGodAndMiaiaia
Sandra Out
No Disrespect....
But how FUCKING DARE YOU!!! Do you know how insulting it is that you walk around with you face all broke down and beat up cuz you have to RIDE in my car and not DRIVE my car!!!!!! You make it seem like I am the worst driver ever, that my car is small.... like tf!!! It hurts my feeling so much. No disrespect, but if you hated my car so much you shouldn't crashed your car if you knew you hated mines, No disrespect.
I'm so sick of my mother I love her to death but she pisses me off and boils the hell out of my blood!!!! UGH!! She's always bitching and complaining about the dumbest of fucking things!! She told me the table wasn't clean because I didn't put the center piece in the center!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! Like I understand you all menopausal... but seriously... No disrespect, you need to go and do something about that shit... no disrespect.
I'm just so irratated and so annoyed, my leg hurts I'm so stress all I wanna do is scream!!!!! idk what to do or what to say all I know is that I'm really emotional, irratated and pissed and I don't know why.
Working Hard
So I'm at work and I'm bored. There is nothing to do and Kharan just told me he was a diamond princess. Anyway, lol, everyone and their mother has been asking me to get them a job here! Why do people think that because I work here, I can get you a job? I'm not a hiring manager and furthermore what if you mess up?? If your already an unreliable friend, I'm going to assume that you are an unreliable employee! I'm not gonna get you a job for you to not show up! Plus I people don't understand that to work here, you need to be a PEOPLE PERSON! If you are always cussing and fussing and saying you hate people, this is NOT the job for you! The dumbest people come here and they always have the dumbest questions! ie someone order tickets online and after I printed them asked me what were they for? Like why would you put in your credit card information and you don't know what your paying for?! Anyway, I'm just tired of people asking me for applications. The only way to apply is online. No, there ain't no way I can tell if you applied. Yes, this is to keep it fair. I doubt you will get hired. Why? Because all the young people that we have hired have been trash. Sorry that your generation has messed it up for the rest of you!
***Digression*** So this customer just came up and had no id so she had to use her husbands and he was like where's your id? and she was like I left it and he was like so your being stupid and walking around with no id?? lmao! it was too funny
Anyway, today's mother days! Happy Mother's Day to my mommy and Mia ia ia and Brina and Mia's Mommy and Troy's mommy and all the mommies! lol....I think I need to reflect. My mom is a great mom (as you know from my pervious blogs). She's always been there for me and I don't know where I would be without her (wait I do know. I would be in Cuba and not in this blog). She's just so caring and sweet and amazing! And it's the little things that she does that makes her so good to me! Like I have 2 tires that need fixing and she gave me the money for it even though she knows I just got paid. And I know she's watching my clothes right now and cooking dinner and probably cleaning up the house! Plus her car is all broke and she needs a new one but she's still driving her jeep to make payments on my car and my macbook! :D she's just amazing and I <3 her! I wish I could do more for her but she never wants anything and she's always like I'm fine. Like the other day I made her some mozzarella sticks and chicken nuggets and some pink lemonade and she was beaming like I made her a 5 star meal.I was like awww!!!! I just love my mommy!
HappyMommieDay
Sandra Out
Am I Ready?
Ok Lisandra's blog insired to write one of my own. i kno its been a long time but i didnt really feel like i had anything to talk about. but its funny lisandra wrote that blog about self analyzation and its something that i have been doing alot lately too. like for me its different i completely love my chosen field cooking is a passion of mine and i love that im pursuing it but at the same time i always wonder if im actually good enough to make it. like i look at the huge number of people that graduate in the field and manage to do nothing with it. there are so many people out there i wonder wats gonna set me apart from the next person. every time i cook for someone they always go out of their way to tell me how good it is and all i can ever see are the flaws in it. and they drive me crazy because i kno that while my friends and family may think its awesome my potential head chef probably wouldnt and thats when the self-doubt sets in. An then when i add on the fact that in december im gonna be done; no more school, no more crutch. im gonna be thrown into the real world without any idea if im ready to succeed in my field. i kno ive learned alot but i still kno how much more there is for me to learn and it kinda scares me. especially since if i cant make it as a chef i have nothing to fall back on i'll be up the proverbial creek with out a paddle. but i guess at the end of the day all i can really do is hope and pray that when the time comes the clouds will clear and i'll have some form of clarity and direction and that i can pove to myself that i am ready and that i can do it
Jay Out
Fork In The Road
So lately I've been so confused about what I'm doing with my life, were I'm going to be in a year, who am I? I know everyone has this point in there life were they try to define themselves but I always had a definition. I am Lisandra. I am smart, sexy and sassy. I am outspoken and a leader. I am friendly and approachable. I cuss alot. I don't care what you think. I still am these things but I no longer know what I want to do. I had my heart set on being a psychologist and making $$$. Then it slowly became I wanna be a social worker. Now I want to be a business woman. Also, I used to love psychology! Like it was my life and my soul. But after this semester, I hate it. Notre Dame is preparing me for research and I don't want to do that. I don't want to play with rats all day. I don't want to run correlation students and factor analysis! I don't want to write papers and have them published. I don't want any of it! I want to crunch numbers and boss people around. I want to have people depend on me! I want to manage something and know that my hard work made this team work. I want to study business.
I feel like I'm wasting money at Notre Dame working towards a degree that I'm not going to use. I rather just be a spanish major and graduate with honors in spanish. I'm just so confused right now. I need to get that out there. I'm not happy with school anymore. I'm happy when I'm at home with my baby or with my friends or at work. I used to be excited to come to class but now I dread it. I hate it so much it makes my tummy hurt everytime I have a class. I can't wait for next week to be over and for my summer to start. Maybe I'll transfer. Maybe I'll withdraw totally. Who knows? All I know is the definition of Lisandra needs to be change. I wish webster could define me.
GoogledDefineLisandra:NoResults
Sandra Out
Real Side
So lately, I've been realizing that the people are phoney. And not just people, but people that at one point I cared about. I feel like I am too old for the games and therefore I am at the point where I dont care. For example, Brittnie told me she still loved me like a week ago and the other night she was like she wish she never said and I'm just some play thing. In the past, this would have made me mad and sad but at that point I just didn't care. I told her fine and don't talk to me. The funny thing is, I actually meant it. Like if we never spoke again, my life would go on. Example 2, Greg. He claimed he doesn't talk to me because he doesn't have a phone but my boyfriend saw him on the phone in school. Once again, in the past this would have hurt me that he lied but I don't care. I'm not even going to confront him because he was a lair in the past and he will probably continue to lie to me until the day he dies. And once again I accept that. I am realizing that I am maturing and they are not. I need someone on my level who doesn't play games and do dumb stuff. Futhermore, I also need something who can say what is on their mind and if they want me to fuck off, say so.
YouAintSayingNothing
Sandra Out
Soulmates
I'm starting to now question if that's even real. I used to think that me and Troy where perfect for each other, but it seem that as time goes on we realize that we have NOTHING in common. We don't have the same taste in sex, we don't have the same hobbies, like I'm beginning to wonder what do we have in common. We don't talk anymore, we just sit around. Like I'm beginning to think that we need some time apart... like I don't know if that will fix it or not, but I feel like I don't know him anymore.
Are soulmates real? I'm beginning to question that. I thought your soulmate was your everything, they completed you and left you feeling whole, now I don't feel whole anymore I feel like something is missing, but idk what it is... but I'm not even complete anymore... *sigh* whats a girl to do?
~miachennelle~
Boobs Compared to Fruit
I have wanted these things forever and they are finally here! Seriously the earliest I remember being obsessed with getting them was the 3rd grade. They were completely nonexistent I mean flat as a board until I was 12 and in the 7th. Then they were what a 32 A? If you ever see a 32A you would know how tiny that is. Its like you can fit a grape in that cup size. I remained an A til what, like last summer? Now they are perfect B's! Full, real B's too, not even barely-just-made-it B's lol. Really a 34B by measurement, but I noticed in victoria's secret the band sizes are extremely tiny so I have to get a 36 band size unless i want to walk around all day holding my breath.
I don't know what caused this random growth but I do know I have been hoping for it long past the age of 17. The majority of people stopped growing by now but I kept having hope because my family all some late bloomers. On both sides too. Experts say that when you want to change something about your body its a deeper issue and changing it wont make you happy. HA bullshit! Fuck that, these did make me happy. I feel complete. Seriously I love them. I could look at them all freaking day. I love how they fill up the shape of different bra styles. I love walking past a mirror. I love when people comment on my pictures and say they look bigger. Or the rare occasion when someone will comment on them to my face I'm not offended at all I'm pleased! I love how they actually feel heavy like they weigh something. I'm so grateful!!
I wonder if I could get to a C, i know that would be a stretch but then again I never thought that I would get to the point where i fully filled out a B either. Also because of the way they sit high on my torso I might need a bigger size sooner than later because they are prone to bulge out of the sides even now, so if they get bigger it might start looking squished. I'm not going to get greedy for oranges though while i would love for this growth spurt to be just getting started, I'm just really grateful for not being a grape and being more of a lemon or apple.
My Carbon Copies
I love them more than anything. There is no one on the face of this earth that is more important to me than Daniel and Dazeem. They're my flesh and blood, I've been there from the day they were born. They are growing up to act just like boy versions of me. They look like me. They look up to me. They do the same things I used to do, even down to bad things like lying and getting punished or being passive aggressive. Dazeem is developing a sharp wit that suprises me everyday. He's starting to get cleverer than I am. Daniel is a year away from high school. He is a little selfish like me and reasons the same way I used to. Its crazy its like watching myself grow up all over again from a 3rd person perspective. I just want them to live happy lives and be worry-free. I want to spoil them and see them succeed. It tears me apart that I can't be there like I want to. I have to balance school and multiple sets of friends and finances and my health and being 19 and social expectations and just everything and at the end of the day its not enough left over for them. I do what I can but I don't spend enough time with them, I don't spend enough of my money on them, I don't even help them in school like I'd like to. I feel helpless like they're just growing up without me and are getting used to me not being there. I just wish they knew how much I cared. I know they would think its sappy if they knew I had mini breakdowns over being inadequate.
I know they have Grandma and everyone but I'm supposed to be there too. I'm not supposed to be so absent. If only I were older. If only I were taller, more charismatic, more powerful. I'd be better. Its hard to describe mentally and spiritually I feel like a mother and a father and an older sister to them all at once. Idc what nobody thinks I can't change that bond its not like I decided it to be that way it just is. I don't expect people to understand so I don't take offense when people say things like "they aren't your responsibility just relax a little". They are my responsibility; they are not a burden. No I didn't carry them in my womb, but yes our genetic variation is 50%, yes I was present during my moms pregnancy with both of them, and yes I am the only person in the world who can say that. I'm the only one who was there when they were infants and they used to cling to my leg when they barely could walk. I chose bean's name. I taught both of them how to read. WTF like how could anyone expect me to feel any other way about them? They're my carbon copies.
Open-mindedness
Idk if that's even a word, but I don't understand why Troy can't be open minded. Ok, for instance, last night... I wanted to have sex, but Troy said he didn't. He was mad because I scratched him or something Idk and he had a piss ass attitude. So He was on the computer looking up Condos, and apartments when I asked him to put the computer away so we could you know do some like foreplay and have sex. He said no, he didn't want to and that I wasn't gonna do nothing but the same old thing. I asked again, come on put the computer away. He still said no. So when I turn over and went to sleep he wants to have sex. I said no I don't want to anymore because he made me mad. How can you be so closed minded and say I was gonna do the same thing when your not a fortune teller!! You don't know anything until it happens, so what the fuck are you saying? Then he got mad at me and tried to flip the script. I told him I didn't think that was fair and I went to sleep. SO he had an attitude and got up and played the game. I slept real good last night I might add, but he still pissed me off because he's so closed minded.
But the thing that also makes me mad is that he claims I don't do anything different besides kiss on his neck and what not, but he don't do nuffin. Like he claims I don't tell him what turns me on, but I feel like he should know. We been together almost 3 years and you don't know what turns me on? You know I like being kissed on the neck but do you do it? No. You know I like my back kissed but do you do it? No!!!! Like you always want me to suck your dick but do you eat me? NO!! Like I'm so confused because you're always talking about I don't do this I don't do that, but you don't do shit!! Like I feel like the only time we have good sex is when I'm just already horny cuz you don't make me horny. And I'm tired of lying to myself. It's a two-way street and it makes me mad when you want me to suck your dick and let you cum in my mouth but wtf am I gonna get out of it? Like I don't suck your dick because I don't get nuffin out of it. It don't turn me on cuz I know as soon as I'm done sucking your dick your gonna wanna have sex and I not turned on. You know I like when you run your fingers through my hair when I suck you dick like thats the least you could do but do you do that? NO you just laying there jerking and moving enjoying yourself.
Sex is a mutual thing. I please you, you please me. It's killing me that we have to take turns pleasing each other. Why can't we do both. I want to be more simulated when we have sex. I want actually foreplay. Is that too much to ask?
~Sexuallyfrustrated~
miachennell
Unpretty
People tell me all the time that I'm pretty. But I don't feel like I am. I've been with Troy almost 3 years, and he doesn't even think I'm pretty. I don't even think he loves me. How can he say he love me, when he'd change everything about me? The way I dress, the way I talk, the way I act... If you'd change all those things, than what do you like about me. It's hurtful cuz I never talk or say I'd change anything about him. There are things I don't like, but I don't bring it up because that's only hurting people self esteem. I already have low self-esteem and it hurts my feelings that he'd talk down on me. But maybe I should do what he do and talk down on him and lets see how he'd like that. Tell him what I don't like I bet he'll probably try to leave. I swear life is so one-sided!
I'm going to go to bed and elaborate on this more 2mar.
Until next time,
~Miachennel~
Cabin Fever in Baltimore
So like 40+ inches of snow just dropped over Baltimore in the past week and I have cabin fever. Along with probably everyone else in the whole city that is. If I had to describe what it feels like I would say it feels a lot like solitary confinement. I see the same four walls every day, watch the same boring tv channels, visit the same websites, read the same book. I don’t know about anyone else but if I don’t get variety in my life I feel depressed. I feel frustrated and irritable and overally unsatisfied. I want to cry! I’m angry at the city for not being able to clean it up faster. I’m angry at the Damn snow for falling in the first place. I’m even angry at my friends for not being able to entertain me. Most of all I’m angry because its valentines day weekend and the snow is ruining it. I just can’t deal with this horrid situation anymore. I have a headache and I'm stressed out and unhappy. I just want to go to sleep and wake up to bright sunshine and warm weather, most of all safe streets so we can all go out and have a life again.
-Dez Out
My Mom
So Mia's blog had me thinking about my relationship with my mommy...I love her to death and I don't know what I would do without her. Like she really puts me and my brother before herself and she would die for us (which I can't say for the majority of parents in Baltimore). Last night, me and her were sitting on the couch and she was telling me about life in cuba and how she missed it but she wanted me and my brother to have a better life. It really made me want to cry cause my mom had a PhD in animal biology and when she came to america she could have been a vet but didn't want to be away from me and my brother. At first, I used to tell her she was stupid and that my career would mean everything to me and that we would be rich now and I wouldn't be struggling to pay for school. But as me and her talked, I realized that she did everything in her power to make sure that I was a princess. If I wanted to go on a school trip or hang out with my friends, she would work two jobs and not eat lunch to make sure that I had money. For years, I thought that my father was giving her money when she told me yesterday he doesn't even have a job and has never had a job since she met him. He does little odd things on the side but not enough to support children. Plus he's lazy and a lair. For example, my mother has a 401K and if anything happens to her me and my brother get one half and my father gets the other...thats gay when he hasn't contributed a penny to my household and doesn't deserve my mother's money. So she has paid him twice to get the divorce in dollars
A mother's love
I love my mother, and I know she loves me too, but why must she give me such a hard time? Its almost as if she's waiting for me to do something bad and to hop on the chance to hurt me or make me feel bad. I just don't understand what I do. I went to church the past 2 weeks on my own, she didn't have to force me, she didn't have to drag me. But I don't get up one morning and she tells me get my priorities together, like I don't understand. She was my age once, why must she act like what I do is so wrong. Like am I wrong for going out? Like am I gonna go to hell cuz I didn't go to church and I slept? Like Idk what to say or do. She makes me feel so bad for the things I do. She makes me cry all the time because if I do something that ain't up to her par, she says little smart stuff to me and make me cry. And Melanie saw her make me cry and she said "Nana you made mommy cry" and she said "so I cried a lot growing up, I still cry and I'm 46 years old" like since you cried a lot your suppose to make me cry too? and I suppose to feel like I'm not worth shit? Like I don't understand what I do that's so bad! Like I missed one Sunday, ONE and she goes on telling me I should've been there because he preached about coming to church. I missed a good sermon. I never ever hardly go out. And this why.
I'm just so tired of her always having little smart stuff to say to me. Like she don't love me. Like I'm nto worthy. She never just takes the time to say that she just loves me. When I tell her she tells me that I should know that she loves me. Like what the hell is that? I make sure not one day go by that I don't tell my kids that I love them!!! I don't want them growing up feeling like they gotta find somewhere else cuz theres no love at home. I don't want my daughter to find love with sex because it's the only thing that makes you feel close, intimate, the only thing that makes her feel that someone cares because they actually make you feel good. I want her to know that I will always love her, that I'll always make her feel good, by showing her attention, showing her love and showing that I care. I don't want her to grow up feeling unloved.
My mother always told me, that I was overly emotional. That I made everything a big deal and I cried at the drop of a dime, but so what! You knew that that's I was, so what if I wanted a kiss from you all the time or a hug! So what! So what if someone talked bad about me and I cried! SO what!!!! IT'S WHO I AM, AND I AM NOT GONNA CHANGE ME!
I wish you stop acting so holier than thou. Because you was my age once, and I'm pretty sure that even tho I have two kids, you've done way more things than me, so don't try that do as I say not as I do bullshit, because I am not a bad person, nor was I a bad child!! AND I WILL NO LONGER LET YOU MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY!!!!
Ugh look at his shape up & beat up pro wings!
I just think this is so funny lol.
#BAMMA - a person who is not very trendy whether it b fashion or music: "Ugh! Look at his shape-up& his beat-up Pro Wings. Hes such a bamma"
My twitterbestie posted this on twitter and it had me dying for days! Me and @therealpicanteJ were also talking about going shopping sometime in the near future cause we want to make over our looks lol. Idk about him but I plan on trying to "grow up" with my wardrobe. Up to now my style has always been idk ... skater-ish? athletic? dressed down?. Maybe casual drug addict (LOL! I DONT KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT) like the whole t shirt and ripped jeans and converse look. I wore a lot of tennis shoes, a lot of graphic tees, a lot of hoodies's, etc. Not much jewelry and rarely used makeup. Kind of tomboyish but like a girl version of tomboyish. I wear my brothers clothes and shoes when I go home lol. Also I used to be bone-thin straight up and down so thats part of why i dressed that way cause it fit.
Don't get me wrong that has always been a lot of fun and I love that style otherwise I wouldn't do it. But you know I like variety, and its time for a change lol. The idea of dressing more upscale appeals to me too. The idea of what I'm talking about is maybe like Megan Butler or Tyeshia Brown (cause i voted them best dressed) from my class in high school. I want to start wearing handbags, jewelry, knee boots, heels, perfume, the whole nine. I put on a lot of weight since high school so I can fill out dresses and leggings and actually pull them off now. Like now my options are opened widely and I can't wait to take advantage of them.
Of course it going to be a gradual change. For example I'm not a big fan of clogging up your pores with makeup but I did start doing my eyes everyday with mascara and eyeliner because I am a pro at that. Also instead of heels, I rather wear like a sexy pair of boots or replace my DC's with coach tennis shoes. The easiest thing is going to be buying shirts and sweaters in solid colors, and in pretty cuts and nice material, and buying them to layer. More so blouses than a shirt. And more accessories - more scarves, necklaces, etc. And I can't wait to start wearing leggings as pants because that is one thing i LOVE leggings. I wear a pea coat now lol and I really like the way it looks on me like I look so refined and I love it.
Of course its bittersweet cause I'm going to miss the wildness and randomness of my old wardrobe. But who cares because the perks of dressing upscale are so nice! Getting involved in fashion means I can run around saying things like:
"UGH LOOK AT HIS SHAPE UP & BEAT UP PRO WINGS!"
l.o.l.,
@plushieLuxie
We aren't fake. We're a conduit for information.
There is no way I can continue living my life with this on my chest. So I'm writing this blog as a means of ventilation. You can read it if you want to but I just needed to know that this was said/written in public so I can stop thinking about it.
Sleep fighting
So, I've been sleep fighting over the past week. Like I'll be dreaming and next thing I know, Troy's waking me up saying that I was punching him in my sleep. Idk where it comes from, maybe I should google sleep fighting. Like I've never done this before, and it's kinda scary cuz I never realize that I'm hitting him, cuz I'm always dreaming about something else. And then I'll punch him. Like I punched him really hard last night cause my fist was hurting. and I needed to crack my knuckles.
So Troy enjoyed his birthday, except I feel horrible about the anal sex we had. Like I was really bad because it hurted me so bad. Like I cried because it was painful. Like I feel like he watches too much porn. He watches that anal porn and I guess he expects to look and feel like that I guess, but it doesn't. My asshole ain't the size of a quarter, so he's not gonna fit in there easily. Then he just jams him penis in there like he's putting it in my vagina and thats not the way about it. It hurts like hell, but I'm willing to do whatever he may like for him to get fulfillment out of it cuz I want to give him whatever he wants and that seems to be the only thing he really wants I think that I can't give him. Like I don't want him to cheat on me with some girl that will give him anal.
Well I'm leaving class now, I just wanted to blog about whats going on and what not...
Until next time,
~Mia~
Always Be My Baby
So I just wanted to blog just because...I feel like I haven't in a while so we need to reconnect! My last blog was very angry but since then me and him have made up (who didn't see that coming?).
~sidebar:so I'm writing this from work and this guy just called mad cause we told him that baltimore city offices ARE CLOSED today! He said he used to work in Baltimore and they are open but they are closed! So he hung up...lol crazy man!~
Anyway, its funny how random my life is! Like I'm randomly at work today and I was looking for scholarships but I stopped on that. I need to jsut transfer to community college and stop trying to pay $25000 a year for 4 classes! I can buy my damn Passat with that money!! SHEETTT!!!! Plus I still needs books and thats another $400 I don't have. Grr....this school pisses me off so much.....and I was gonna get a second job but I trashed that idea. Last semester, I felt swamped trying to balance all my class and this one aqua job so I need to just focus on school and maybe I can finda baby sitting job....ummm hey Mia!! you know anyone that needs a baby sitter?? I'm real cheap (ha!) and I will pick up the damn kids my own self!! Plus my scholarship required me to do community service so I have no time to get a second job and do my psych papers. Oh well...maybe eric will get signed really soon and can start paying for things (not that I mind paying since I have the pussy and I make the rules lol)...
which reminds me....a while ago people kept telling me I was there good luck charm and being around me had a positive influence on their lives and I'm starting to believe it. I don't think it has anything to do with luck though lol...like I just push people and I refuse to settle. For example, Greg. He wanted to be with me but I refused to be with him if he ain't go back to school OR get a legal job (I understand that school ain't for everybody lol) and he started working at the zoo. Then we stopped talking but he told me he was gonna start going to class and I was so proud! Example 2, Brittnie. I made that ho who she is!! I was the one who talked her through the damn corrections training and encouraged her to get her shit together!! and now eric! He is going to get signed and I'ma make sure it happens! No one says no to me...idk why! It might be cause I'm adorable or maybe my amazing skills to talk myself into and out of any situation! I'm telling you, I can talk a homeless man out of some change! So I'ma do my best and get him out there....kind of like his PR person (but I can fuck him at night lol). YAY ME!
anyway: I'm rambling mostly because I'm bored...I'm going to go look for baby sitting jobs now and spend more time with Mia so I can get adjusted to children! I can't wait til I go back to school cause I'ma devote my Mon and Weds to Mia since we get out of school around the same time! YAY!
World of driving
So I've been driving and I love it!!! I get to school on time, I don't have to worry about anything, and I get to bypass lights!! I'm completely happy with my life right now, and I thank God.
On the other hand, now that I am driving I have nothing to do!!! I get to Melanie school really early and then I'm like I don't wanna go home, but it ain't nothing else to do. I'm sure I'll find something soon.
SO this weekend is Troy's birthday, and I am hoping that my mother gives me my money back because I want to go out, and not depend on Troy! It's his birthday, why should he have to pay for me?
So, I am in school now, and I am is happy as I can be. Like God has really blessed me and I am thankful.
Well, that brings me to another note. I am supposed to be getting baptised this Sunday, But I don't think I'm ready. I was going up for prayer, not to join the church, not to be getting baptised and having to pay the church money! I think that I will tell the lady that I love God, and I believe Jesus died for my sins, but I felt completely rushed and I didn't believe that I was joining the church I thought I was getting extra prayer, and that I will continue to go there and when I am ready I will be ready. And I don't need any of them thinking I am a heathen because I'm not, they rushed me and that wasn't fair and I'll leave it at that! And I don't care what the church ppl will say because that's all they do it talk about people and I don't have time for it!!
Until next time,
~Mia~
Already Annoyed
So I don’t know how to feel right now but y’all know I can’t sleep with shit on my mind so here it goes. Today (technically yesterday) I was playing with my boyfriend’s phone because my phone and my laptop were dead! (I know…what kinda shitty ass luck?!) so he was talking bout someone he didn’t know texting him and I went to his messages to see if I knew the number or the person. (of course this was just an excuse to go through his messages!!!) Everything I have EVER read or heard of told me to close the phone and put it down then but I just had to know! I mean if everything is what he told me, I would find nothing and could continue with my existence. So I’m going through the messages, not really reading them but just glancing at the names and the first couple of words (and of course they are all female) and then I realize I don’t care what they are saying, I care about what he is telling them! ~sidebar: there is NO point in getting mad at the other woman! She ain’t in your damn relationship and the guy is the trifling one. For all I know, them females might not even know I exist!~ InTheWordsOfAmanda:Sheeet!!!! Backy Out!!
The One
First off, I wanna Thank God for him giving me this car in the first place.
Now that I've done that....
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(sigh)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YES!
YES!
YES!
YES!
YES!
YES!
I am sooo happy you have no idea! First thing I'm gonna do is get gas, and idk what to do cuz im broke but i'm very very happy!!
Until next time,
~Mia~
So close but yet so far away
I'm so close to getting a car, but yet I am so far away! I was about to test drive my car out when the guy couldn't find the keys. I was so heartbroken! But tomorrow is Monday and I will be one step closer. Like I wouldn't be in such a rush if I would at least drive! But I NEVER, drive! Troy won't let me. Like this morning he told me to go warm the car up. We was only going up the street, so I figured that I could maybe drive there. Did I? How about no! He came to the car and had that look like ok move. I'll admit I was kinda hurt, like he let our friend Kiea take his car, but he won't let me drive it even if he's in the car! Like I try to reason with it like, well she has experience and stuff, but he won't let me do it even if he's in the car. Like I can't wait to get my car so I can just go!!! Like I'm so tired of depending on him, I'm tired of not driving, like ugh... I'm just tired.
Another thing that gets on my nerves, is 2 faced people! Like I hate when someone is always talking about you behind your back and then wanna be your friend when they need you, like I am so over that. If you ain't with me your against me, and I'm not dealing with you! Like I'm over petty shit, I over dumb ass people! I'm over making an ass out of myself, I'm over just bullshit ass people in general! Like I'm not making and effort to talk or hang out with people no more. I'm worried about me and mines.
Let me clarify! Troy spoils me. I get any and everything I want! But sometimes I feel bad for all the stuff he does for me. Like he does, X, Y, and Z and I don't hardly do anything for him. Like I'm only doing this so I can be my own person. I love Troy and I am happy for everything that he does for me. But I just wanna be my own person that's all.
Still waiting,
~Mia~
The UpDown Project
The UpDown project is a new blog I'm starting. It's somewhere I need to stretch and have space to get my paradoxical views out on because my brain is OVER CAPACITY. lol. Penguin salad is like a group journal, but The UpDown Project is more of my personal thought-out presentation to the world. Or more like a creative space .... kind of like a big canvas up on a roof. I want to paint on it and show all the different colors I'm made of.