Fall for your type

"you say that you’re nothing like the last girl

I just pray that you don’t let me down"

-Jamie Foxx

This song by Jamie Foxx and Drake came on the TV today and it made me start thinking. Just watching scenes from the video, and listening to it... I couldnt help but see reflections of myself in it. The girl in the video seemed like she was caught in her own world, and Jamie was basically wondering why he always fell for her type and hoping falling for her wouldn't turn out to be a mistake.

I hope that one day I will be able to stop living in my dream world and be able to better connect to the people in my life. I take 1 step forward, and 3 steps back. I've been living in my own world since I was 12, and there's no point in deluding myself and saying that I don't. In a way, I'm a really messed up person I guess. Sometimes I wonder why anyone would even bother getting close to me when I struggle with communication like I do.

I really appreciate my boyfriend and I have genuine intentions in our relationship. I know I don't do a good job of showing it though. I guess I can be really difficult sometimes to talk to. One thing that's unfair to him is that I don't communicate. If somethings bothering me I just try to ignore it. And he pointed out that when I get mad I become a completely different person. When I'm in a position where I can't just walk away, I explode and hit extremes. And its crazy because I have never NOT been able to just walk away. One morning I was really stressed out because I missed a deadline for something and I was trying to forget about it, and he walked in the room and asked me a completely unrelated question and I burst out crying. He was so confused that he asked me if I was preggo, and then it dawned on me that sometimes I can seem really irrational because I don't open up.

How I rely on escape makes me think of the story my uncle told me about the hole in his wall. One night he came home and his wife was falsely accusing him of cheating with a neighbor. When he said no he wasn't, she kept questioning him. Since she wasn't letting it go, he tried to leave. She ran and blocked the front door. So he tried to go out the back, and she forced him from leaving that way too. He felt trapped, then he got angry and punched a hole clear through the wall.

In short, I know I have a lot to work on if my friendships and relationships are going to be successful. But I'm taking baby steps. I actually had a conversation with someone I haven't talked to in 8 months the other day. The last interaction we had consisted of me completely exploding and feeling nothing but hate. Yet the other day, I politely listened to him vent to me about how he broke up with his girlfriend and gave genuine advice. I think I can learn to communicate better, but its going to take a lot of time.

I wish there was a way i could tell my current boyfriend how much I actually do care about him. I hope I don't come off as apathetic. Yes, I'm happy your mom is thinking about buying you a condo. Yes, I do feel bad when I show up really late to a place we were supposed to meet. Yes, I do notice when you're happy and when you're sad. It just doesn't look like it but one day I hope to open up.