Wondering If I Made A Mistake

ok so ive been thinking alot lately and ive realized that ive made alot of major life decisions recently.

1)i moved back home from hawaii
2)i decided to go to culinary school
3)im living with family

like ok the only one of those 3 that im completely at peace with and happy about is #2 im actually really excited to be in C. school but at the same time im wondering if maybe i should have gone to it somewhere else becuz being home is not at all what i imagined when i was in hawaii envisioning it

aside from school i feel like i actually have nothing here for me u know
my family are just doing nothing but getting on my nerves they all feel like they know whats best for me more than i do and its like they dont realize that im and adult and if i am making mistakes they are my mistakes to make on top of the fact that im forced into the middle of all of there FUCKING DRAMA

then my friends (now before yall try and get mad yall arent doing anything wrong) are here and that is really good cuz i depend on yall to be there. but at the same time we all live such seperate lives that i never see them

so between my family that i dont feel like dealing with and the friends i feel like im growing apart from i feel most of the time that im left alone here

that on top of all the things i brought up in my last blog im just starting to think that coming back to baltimore has been nothing but a mistake so now im just hoping that it all turns around so how and that i can get over this or that i can figure out another change i can make that can fix it all wether that means leaving baltimore is the only option or if there is another choice is yet to be seen

Jay Out

If you want to get on stage, you have to SWIM!!

This title is because I just saw the Lil Mama fail on the VMA's ( I know I'm late) and I decided I love that song with Jay Z and Alicia Keys. Oh and a moat around the stage next year sounds like a good idea. If you want to get on stage, you have to swim! SWIM BITCH, SWIM SWIM (in lil wayne voice)! The lyrics really speak to me, especially Alicia's key's singing. My favorite part of the song is when she says "These streets will make you feel brand new" . I agree because although I'm not from the hood ever since I moved to Baltimore I've felt so connected to the streets and the hood and I always feel like I just as easily could have been born here. My father could have impregnated any girl he wanted you know? Like this is the city that produced my father and I'm his daughter so this is my hood too. It's just something about it ... I love it, I love how the streets breathe, how the streetlights shine outside and its not pitch black land, I love the front steps on row homes. Songs like these make me reflective of how much I love the hood even though I'm not from here, in my heart I am.

In response to lisandra, you know you couldnt wait for a Club Day either do not front! Lol. I love Club Day cause where else can you just chill out drink smoke and just be in the company of good people. We really did have so much fun last night. She made out with this new guy and I made out with one of our friends. FYI smoking and drinking combined is like ecstasy. I know people do this at frat parties all the time but I never made out with anyone at a party before so all the chemicals in my brain were really kicking in lol. I just love that chemicals in your brain can just take you away and not make you care about anything. Cause frankly I care about too much and I like to just have a break sometimes. I got into a little trouble with my friend who I made out with but what can I say I guess two mischievous people can't be in the same place at the same time without getting into mischief. I had like a battle in my head the whole time with like my good side and my bad side so I probably seemed bipolar lol - part of me that just doesnt give a fuck and the other part that always thinks like a lady. But in my defense it's hard to think like a lady when your fighting against things like a lip ring! Lol so anyway I can't wait til next weekend cause its my twins birthday and we are going to party like its our first and last party. Lisandra already listed all the goods thats gonna be there -- I plan on getting wasted like last time of course. When we're all grown and married with kids at least I know I'm gonna have good times to look back on - the best years of my life.

-Miss Dezy Ba-bay!

same song and dance

I'm kinda feeling like how troy felt on his blog on July 4. I'm tired of routine things I'm tired of arguing about the same shit I am just tired. It seems that our one argument that won't seem to go away is the one about marriage and I'm tired of talking about it because I feel so passionately about it that I can become to think irrationally. so lets begin....

Me and troy went to this presentation, they were selling cookware. So i forgot to tell troy that it was for couples a that was engaged or married. so once we get there and they ask us when we r getting married he looks at me kinda confused. and I say we don't have an set date.

So we sit down and troy send me a message and says why didn't u tell me this was some marriage stuff and I tell him that I forgot to tell him n that its also for committed couples and he's like we are in a committed relationship and I'm like I KNO!!

FAST FORWARD TO THE NEXT DAY AT WORK
*we're on our lunch break*

ever since He sent me that message telling me that we are n a committed relationship that he's trying to imply that I am trying to trap him he's says I'm not but he's always (to me ne way) trying to make sure ppl kno we aren't married and blah blah and I told him that it hurts my feelings that he does that.

This leads into the argument... why do you wanna get married so bad!!

Same question same answer... So for anyone who don't know, I will explain right now and this will be the last time I ever explain why ever again.

I want to get married because it is a more to me then just a piece of paper it is more then a ring it is a spiritual bond in front of God. Marriage is my only goal in life. And that's the truth I don't wanna be a doctor or lawyer that would b nice if I was one but its not my goal my goal in life is to get married and it would mean the world to me.

It's not just a title its not a piece of paper its a commitment u make to God to love and cherish a person for your entire human life and beyond. ( I am a very spiritual person and I am afraid of going to hell)

So I can become very emotional when talking about this subject I can get angry and i can say somethings that I may later regret. Which I did, I told troy that since there's no ring on my finger he can't tell me ne thing and he's just another guy that I do. (I totally regret that now)

I apologized to him and told him that I was just angry but idk

i just wish he felt the same way about marriage as i do

~Mia out~

Pulling An Amanda

First off, troy's blog was cute! awww...I'm happy that he's learning how to correct his mistake and troy I'm sure mia will not think less of you is you ask her to do some off the wall nasty shit! Like the toe sucking thing I think its strange but I feel like if mia went and got a pedi and looked at her feet she would think that they were soooo sexy and she would let you suck them. furthermore, you guys should just be open with each other about everything even if you think the other person doesn't care or whatever. About the game situation, there are board games that are played on play station so you guys can get those and have the best of both worlds. Not to mention that you guys can always call one of us (troy can call dez cause she plays video games and me and mia can play board games). Some things you guys are not going to be able to do together and thats perfectly ok cause it makes think more interesting that you guys don't like the same things.

Secondly, I do not do any work what-so-ever. Like right now, I am at my job at a computer clearly blogging and I am here until five. Personally, this job rules! I feel like there are people who think it is unfair that I don't do any type of work at and still make more money then them but I feel like I put in my year and a half so they need to buzz off!

Third, last night was crazy! So we had another Club Day since these party whores couldn't wait until next weekend fir my birthday party. Anyway, so we had money balls (thats what I call it), mascato, hipnotic, bacardi and some other stuff and me and dez were done! And when I say done I mean DONE!!!!! I ended up kissing the boy Rashard that I don't really know. And it was funny cause I said "I don't know you. I ain't kissing you!" and he replied "My name is Rashard. I go to Morgan. I'm 19. I'm ryan's friend" and then I kissed him! FAIL on me! And then I was like I am a hoe but at least I know who he was. And hopefully, he comes to my birthday party next weekend cause I ain't kissing no other random dude! At least this one I kind know and by next weekend, I'll have found him on facebook.

All Fa Now!
Becky Sandra Out

I appriciate those things, but thats every day stuff?

I always say thank you for those things you do right after you do it, and if you don't think i do then say something, but i think i always say thank you. And as for me watching Melanie i don't remember you saying anything about it only you fussing at me about making your mother stand outside for 20 mins and i didn't even tell her to stand outside and wait for me. Secondly i don't care about you not giving me anal, you don't like it so i don't press it. and i don't say anything about your sexual desires if anything i try to help you. The small things are what i like, i ask you for little things like watching a movie with me, playing a game. These are the things that i value cuz you know i am a lonely person and i just want someone to fill the void of not having any siblings and not many friends. I thought you would understand this seeing as though you have a brother that didn't want to do anything with you. I feel like you you feel about the board games that no one would play with you. Now we buy board games and i play them with you even if i don't want to. So, I'm sorry Mia that i like wold like for you to do some things that i like to do, so i won't ask anymore for you to do anything. And i always tell you every day that you are beautiful and try to tell you how much i think you are so sexy and all and how your body i beautiful to me and how there is nothing wrong with you and how i try to break you out of apologizing all the time for nothing.

Lastly this is the most important so I'm giving it it's own paragraph. I apologize that what i said hurt your feelings. I wasn't saying it to say that I'm going to find some one that will do what you don't, but more as i would use them to do things that i would be embarrassed to do with you cuz it would demean you or make you think less of me. And now that i think about it, it was wrong and hurtful and i didn't think about it before i said it. And anyway its said sounds bad so, once again i apologize.

I try my hardest and still FAIL

So I try my best to please and do things for troy. I may not be perfect but I really do try to do things for him... but he seems to always be complaining about what I don't do. He made a comment earlier and it really stuck with me and it really hurt my feelings! He said that this is why I wouldn't mind going to the bunny ranch, they would do things that you wouldn't do, and I asked like what, and he said like anal and something else he kinda trailed off cuz he was playing the game. This conversation started because he said he wanted to suck my toes and I said ew no ( i am not a toe sucking person I don't like my feet and I don't like ppl touching or even looking at my feet) it really hurt my feelings that he said that like I try really hard I do things that I sometimes don't even feel comfortable with but I do it cuz I love him and I wanna make him happy and he do things that makes me happy too but for him to say that to point out the things that I don't do but I do sometimes to make him happy just was like a low blow! I feel like he was trying to guilt trip me into things. I may not give you head all the time, or open up my ass every time you want it or and other fantasy or anything else in general like play the game with you I am sorry! I'm sorry that I don't do the things YOU wanna do like have crazy wild porn themed sex or sit and play Madden with you, I'm sorry. But I do other things for you like cook for you, wash your clothes, make sure you are remembering things I always try to have something nice and uplifting to say to you when you feel bad I always defend you when somebody says something negative about you! I try to do things that you like to do but somethings I just don't wanna do, but if it makes you happy I'll get out of my box and do it just to please you... But I don't think it's fair that instead of looking at what i don't do you should appreciate the little things I do just like I am appreciating the little things you do (like buy me the two books today at the book fair and watching Melanie) I appreciate those things!! But it really hurt me that you made it seem like you would get somebody else to do it for you just cuz I don't


But on a good note I went to orientation today and I fully enjoyed myself and I cannot wait until it starts its gonna be a lot of fun and I found out we can bring guest!! (but don't worry we can not draw blood from you lol) It's gonna be a long road but I can't wait to get started so I can finally give my mother and brother something to be proud of besides me popping out babies! I wanna really try and do my best even when I'm tired I am gonna push forward cuz I wanna graduate and have good grades and get certificates and pins showing my good grades and my good work like I can't wait I'm tired of being in the shadows behind all my family and friends who are clearly doing better then me and are more carefree and school orientated with no attachments like children or insecurities to hold them back I can be just as successful as them and I can't wait to see them cheering for me when I graduate

~Mia out~

African birthing hips

after last nights blog on my phone and geeking at my reference to a pair of african birthing hips I woke up and realized:

My hips are widening again! :D

I noticed it in the mirror this morning.

YEAH (for African genes)!!!

Dez Out

No Sex, No Baby

That was a direct response to Dez cause if you wasn't having sex, you wouldn't have to worry about birth control. Number 2: the fact that you lay your clear nuva ring around is nasty and I will never touch another surface in your room out of concern for my health!! I am an oral person and I bite my nails and put my fingers in my mouth and I could have....ewww! I don't even want to think about that.

Anyway, so I think I'm enforcing this "No Sex, No Baby" ideal into my own life. I haven't put it out there clearly but I've reconnected with Gregory. I know its a fail cause I keep telling myself that I am totally and completely done with him and then he calls and I'm like all dumb and stuff. Like I don't know what it is but its like I can't even look him in the eyes or I'll melt the puddy and just do whatever he wants. Anyway, so the other night, I was being a good student and trying to study but I ended up on the phone with him and before I knew it, it was 11 pm and I was driving over to pick him up. I know that was bad already cause I shouldn't have picked him up at midnight but I wanted to see him and talk to him and the only way I can tell if he's lying is to be there with him and see him. So thats what I did. So I picked him up and we drove to this spot.

***Insert***

So about the spot, it started one night when me, him and Nikea were in the car and I drove around randomly til we found it but he knew exactly where we were even and didn't even tell me and Nikki that he knew exactly.

***Insert Over***

Anyway, so we're at the spot and we start talking bout me and him and what's been going on. I find out he has court in October for drug charges and clearly I am not surprised. So he's like he really missed me and all that game. I mean I've known him since I was 12 and I know the game he spits, can't fool me nigga! Anyway, so we wrestle for a little bit cause I ain't want to sit on his lap (cause that was not why we were there!!), and he drags me over to the passenger seat (reason A why I need to gain weight! People think they can just pick me up!). So I'm sitting there and he's talking about sex and about how he can't wait and that he better not be number 2 cause he gonna know and he gonna make it hurt (NOT COOL! I like arguing with him and getting him fired up but pain is not in gameplan!) and how he just loves me and then he makes the SEXIEST face. Its like he looked at me with them big deer eyes and bites his lip. ugh!! I hate that face! So I ask him why he's looking at me like that? and he's like nothing your just really pretty and I've waited so long just to hold you and I'm just so happy to be here! (AWWWWW my heart was of course melting!) and I just giggled like I normally do and he was like its like beyond sex with you and like I used to just be horny thinking bout you but now I actually wouldn't mind awaking and your still here. And I didn't really reply but I was happy and I looked down and he tilted my head up to look at him and I was just grinning. So he sat there holding me for like 20 minutes and we were listening to trey songz and he was talking bout music and I was getting sleepy and then out of left field he was like "I want some. Touch me." and of course I said NO! and he was like are you saying no cause you don't want to or are you saying no cause you think I have a girl. And I didn't answer and he was like "if you think I have a girl, I'll just leave and walk home and never talk to you! I'm would NOT lie to you!!" and he wasn't. Lol and then he was like are you scared of what would happen? Cause I promise nothing will happen (but he had this look like sike on his face) and then he corrected him self and was like I'll try my hardest for nothing to happen and that was a fail. So of course, you should know where it went from here (cause this ain't porn so I ain't telling you!) but we did NOT have sex for the simple reason that I do love him but I'm not trying to get pregnant no time soon and his goal is to get my pregnant so I want to be on birth control before we have sex.

So anyway, back to my original statement. I feel that I am clearly to immature to have a baby because I will go a day without eating because I'm too lazy to get up and cook and if Greg is the father, my baby will be so messed up. Like I'm lazy so I would always complain about getting up and feeding or changing the baby and Greg is a trouble maker so he would be in jail (lol) and my baby wouldn't have a daddy to take care of him. So basically, in order to prevent any .01% possibility of pregnancy, I'm just not having sex with anyone. Now a lot of people are like I'm just paranoid about it but think about it. A lot of once in a life time shit happens to me. Like for example, swine flu. How was I the ONLY person to catch it and then when I came to work no one else got sick from working with me! FAIL! So I feel like it would be my damn luck that I get pregnant on the first time with a condom and on the pill. Plus Greg says he doesn't want to use condoms. Like I am not catching anything from that fail boy so unprotected sex ain't an option and me and him need to have a serious talk bout it!!

On A Mission!

Sandra/Becky Out!

Birth Control Dilemna: Lutera vs Nuvaring vs Depo

UGH! I have a serious dilemna!
I don't know what form of birth control to get on.
It's really starting to become a problem.

Four months ago I started the Pill. It was great or whatever and would be perfect except I could never take it at the same time every day. I was always late or early and once I even skipped a whole weekend cause I had spend the night home and didn't feel like driving back to campus just to take it. So this if I were actually trying to prevent pregnancy would be a fail cause its only like 50% effective when you take it wrong. Also missing pills caused spotting which annoyed me.

So before the first month was up I got a prescription for Nuvaring and switched out. Nuvaring is perfect! You leave it in for three weeks take it out for the fourth and insert a new one. I never have to think about a schedule for taking it. I been on it for 3 months now and love it to pieces. Only problem is I REFUSE to leave it in during sex. Its stupid and in the way. You can take it out for 3 hours so I take it out but problem #2 I always never make it within that 3 hr pd. I usually end up not reinserting it for 24+ hours. I tend to take it out for no reason sometimes to and once I almost lost it cause its clear and I couldn't find where I sat it down at. So this is also not effective so far because I'm bad at it too.

The problem is so far I haven't found anything stable and effective according to my habits.

I was thinking about Depo. You just get a shot and it last 3 months. However I am worried about that bc some people side effects are they bleed the whole 3 months or their period stops and I don't like either of those ideas they sound unnatural. If you get side effects you can't undo the shot so u just have to deal for 3 months or longer til they wear off. Also I am not one of those super fertile women that get pregnant easily (you know the women that have a period every 28 days like clockwork cause their body is tryna reproduce lol and they get pregnant if you give them a hug). I don't want to be fucking with my fertility cause I don't have a pair of African birthing hips for to pop out babies through baby after baby starting at age 14. I'm petite and a late bloomer. I would have to do a lot of careful planning and make a lot of changes to be a baby machine. So while I know for a fact I wont be ready to have a baby for the next 3 yrs I still don't want to do anything semi permanent. Then again if I accidentally got pregnant and then got an abortion that would prolly fuck with my fertility even heavier so maybe the shot is a good idea.

So basically that is my dilemna and I have a lot to think about. I know the doctor I go to is probably sick of me telling her I'm not really satisfied with this can I try something else. When I schedule my annual gyno appt I'm going to have to decide so hopefully I'll figure it out... I may go back to the pill or get the shot or even keep the ring I just can't decide

Dez Out

Is She The Reason?

See I Know We Not Official (No)
But Us Being Official Ain't Never Been An Issue (No)
It Came Down To Us
Boy Remember We Were Different
We Said That We'd Talk
If We Ever Had Problems About Anything
I Was Cool With No Commitment (Wait)
Let Me Take That Back
It Was You, So I Was With It (See)
Guess I Didn't Get
When You Showed You Didn't Miss It
Now It Seems That Your Interest Ain't Here
And We Ain't The Same

so this verse is amazing to my life!! Like its me and Greg in a nutshell!! Its like we have no commitment but it was cool cause we was committed to each other on the low but now we aint! Like how we ain't talk last night! Him and this damn disappearing act!!! ugh

Becky Out

Reply To Justin

I don't really care anymore but if it was meant for people to ask you stuff, you should have just put that cause I don't want them asking questions about me and you answering them! You ain't me!! :D

Anyway, I had an amazing time last night. I hung out with my buddy and we caught up on old times and it felt great. I don't really want to talk about it but I guess you can send justin a message to find out more!! lmao

HAHAHA

Sandra/ Becky Out

explaining my "Fail"

ok im gonna start out with explaining my "Fail" the reason that Jay was in the email instead of it being penguinsalad was moreso because was for me not necessarily the entire blogs (yeah i wanted to include everyone in the end) i originally cameup with this because i dont have anything to blog about 99.99% of the time so i dont think it was a fail because clearly my blog said send "me" ur topics and questions but watever this isnt really that important


Jay Out

I am on 24 Hour Champagne Diet

Let's address the truth: model-thin is not a guy's ideal woman! I could care less what the fashion industry thinks - their demographic is woman and I could care less what another woman thinks. Unless she's hating, then I care because that's good. But outside of counting haters, I'm really not concerned what a female has to tell me about what a healthy figure looks like. Historically, there are certain clues about a woman's body that shows she's fertile and healthy and likely to have good genes to ensure the survival of your offspring.

No one thinks it's odd when a guy doesn't look at a woman because she is missing teeth, has acne craters in her face, or smells like rotting trash. That's because a woman with teeth missing probably has some serious health problems, acne is caused by a form of bacteria, and bad smell is a sign of poor hygiene and inability to maintain herself.

So I don't think it's odd that a guy should expect women to look like a woman and have a certain percentage of body fat. A super skinny model thin woman in the days of evolution would be malnourished and probably die during childbirth .

The thing is the stuff the government tells us about healthy eating is geared towards most of America. It took me until like junior year of high school to realize that the food pyramid was not made for people like me. It was made for the average American who according to statistics is obese and has high blood pressure. i.e. NOT ME NOT EVEN CLOSE!!!

Since I realized this I (thankfully!) gained 21 pounds over the course of two years. I'm still working on it because while I'm not a stick like I used to be (a la DeeDee from Dexters Lab), I'm still skinny. I want more hips, more ass, more boobs. I want to know what I would have looked like if I had figured this out earlier.

So this is what I did this summer that got me to 119 and into a bigger cup size bra. I started doing this again yesterday because I realized i went down to 114 when I stopped paying attn to my eating habits.

so here is my diet I call it 24 Hour Champagne Diet because i love drake and its all about indulgence.

24 Hour Champagne Diet

• buy a pack of those chocolate ensure nutritional shakes and drink them with meals. They have a lot of calories and they are good calories like protien and vitamins and a healthy amount of fat. Doctors often recommend them to people who lost weight after being hospitalized and only eating from an IV. They tell them to supplement their meals with ensure to gain weight back.

• "if you don't feel full, then eat!" trust me this will get you eating because you'll be aiming for always feeling full and satisfied
  
  
• food is an important expense and you should include it in your budget. when you are saving up for something DO NOT eliminate food as an expense, eliminate something else like new jeans you don't need.

• finish your whole plate

• don't turn down free meals.

• drink a whole lot of water! You might be able to gain some water weight and you definitely make your body better able to utilize all the fuel your taking in, process it, and store it.

• stay active. you are eating to gain weight, but staying active makes sure it looks good and you get it where you need it.

• fast food is still bad! the goal is to gorge yourself on good nutritious food that you would eat if this were the time of evolution. trust me we did not eat fried burgers or whatever when we were cavemen - we roasted meat and cooked hearty soups and stuff like that.

and finally

this is going to take some time. I didn't get greedy until around the end of 06' and since then I have only gained about 24 pounds. That's about 8 pounds a year. Don't expect super quick results but if you give yourself a couple years and accept gradual progress than this is guaranteed to work!

YYYYYYYYEEEEEAAAAASSSSSSSS (Callout on Justin's fail)

Lmao...that is funny.

Anyway, I'm blogging cause Justin's fail blog is annoying me and I'm tired of looking at that ish.

Number 1: I ain't answering no questions from no weirdo trying to be in my damn business. I happy that you find my life interesting but I would rather you stalk me from a distance. I feel like once you ask a question, you are confirming that you stalk me!

Number 2: Why is Jay in the name for the email address?? why wasn't it just penguinsalad@yahoo.com?? I mean that is the name of the blog!! Don't be trying to steal all the attention Justin when you have nothing to blog about 99.9% of the time.

Number 3: Yea, I'm being mean but everyone has been failing that blog on the low and real friends tell the truth!! And as your real friend, I feel the need to inform you of your fail.

***disclaimer****
I'm not saying that Mia, Dez, Troy and Jas are not your real friends, but they care about your feelings. I don't. It's like telling a fat person they are fat regardless of their relationship to me.

Number 4: YYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSsss (yes in a long gay voice)

All For Now
Sandra/Becky Out

send me ur questions and Topics

ok so ive come to the conclusion that my life is kinda boring at the moment but i dont wanna stop blogging so i came up with this idea

basically if any of yall that read our blog have a topic you want me or any of my fellow Penguinsalad bloggers to talk about or question that u've just been dying to ask one of us email me at jaytopics@yahoo.com (im going to have dez add a link somewhere on the blog also)

so guys i need topics to blog about dont be shy no matter wat the topic or question we wont post ur name

we basically would love a chance to actually interact with our readers

Jay Out

UGH!!! i feel like crap

ok so im back in baltimore going to school and i love that im finally doing what i love but at the same time it sucks. last year living in Hawaii and taking care of myself made me feel awesome. i was grown up and mature and i didnt have to burden anyone but now that im back home i feel like i regressed. because im here and jobless and my school i actually have to make monthly tuition payments and so my mother has to pick up the slack. so she has to pay my tuition, and my brothers tuition on top of the other things she has to do. i dont know it just kinda makes me feel like a failure to have to make her go through that. so now my plan is to talk to the lady at my school that gets students jobs becuz even if i cant work enough hours to pay my tuition and have money to spend as long as i can pay some of my own tuition as long as i can take some of the burden off of my mother i will feel better about myself. so for now im just gonna have to deal til i can get a job

Jay Out

So often misunderstood

Let's get this straight first.... I do apolgize because I did say that kinda wrong! It's not that I think he's ugly I want what lizzy said I want note romance!! Something out of the norm it dont even have to be ne thing with money!!! I'm tired of having to tell you what I want but since I don't tell you I don't get ne thing! The only thing I asked him for was a letter n he didn't even do that!! I just want to b courted n a few days I told him that n he said he already has me he don't have to do that like idk I just wanna be romanced n he don't c that!!! I tried talking to him I tried apologizing but he won't budge I don't want it to b this way so i try talking to him but he won't budge all I want is to able to talk to him but when I do he just gets angry n shut off n I told him that n he says no he don't do that but what is he doing now!!!! I feel so misunderstood

Yea...So...Is you rolling?

WOW! WOW! WOW! So I'm currently at work and of course I'm not working cause ain't no need for it but life is getting out of control. First, Mia and Troy are meant to be together and I really think that they are just having a really big misunderstanding. Like Mia loves Troy to death and she would never just use him to have a baby and he should know that. Women need romance sometimes and guys need to understand that. Even if Troy doesn't like it and just wants to have sex, he should at least make an effort and try to take her out to eat. And I know money is tight but he could get her like a hamburger helper dinner and make it and then they can go sit in a park or something and eat it and it will still be romantic. Now Mia was in the wrong too. No man wants to hear that other men make his girl wet. :( that is a No-No! Instead, Mia should tell troy what she sees in these men that he's not doing or not providing for her. Honestly, I know Mia still wants Troy and is attracted to him, and he really has nothing to worry about and they will get past this. I just feel like you guys are going through a lot of stress and just need time to yourselfs to be able to talk and geek and fall in love all over again. :D

As for Dezzy, AWWWWWW (I'm giving you a hi-five through this blog). I'm happy that you had a good time and I told you that you would and its funny cause you asked me what time should you come back and in my mind I was think this chick ain't coming back no time tonight! lol...But anyway, I think you are really falling in love with him and its not even just a "he-got-good-dick" type of thing. :D

Finally, I don't know whats going on but all these dudes that I do not want are intrested in me. First, I have a close male friend who everyone says likes me but I need to make it clear that I will NEVER want him. People keep thinking that if we hang out, we'll grow on each other but that ain't the case at all!! First impressions mean a lot to me and he just didn't make a great one. Not that he did anything wrong, he just isn't my type. Second, there's Josh. Josh is Jason's best friend and Jason is my ex boyfriend. Now, I loved Jason and I love Josh but its in two totally different ways. Jason was my boo and we had a relationship and we were together for 2 years. Josh was just always there (often cock blocking) and he would complain when me and jason would sneak off from him. Now that Jason is away in college (yeah! I always pick the smart ones), I think Josh thinks I want him but that ain't the case. Josh will always be Joshy to me and that ain't EVER going to change. His like a littel brother who just happens to be taller then me. he even made a joke about me giving Jason head and then tried to call me on it when I didn't deny it. I didn't need to cause it would have been between me and him but for the record NOTHING happened between me and him. I just want the people in my life to understand that I am as bold as it gets. If I want you, I will let you know! If I don't want you, I will also let you know! I'm trying to let people down gently but they ain't following my brain wave!!

Back to work
Sandra/Becky Out

P.S. Mia, I'm with you like who the hell is Liz?? she don't even call me that and I never sign that on anything!! Dezzy FAIL!

Damn where my roof just go

I usually try not to blog about my romantic/sex/private life but I will make a one time exception for sake of creative expression. Sometimes you just feel so inspired and this is def. one of those times. I don't think I've ever been this inspired ... at least not since I was a kid.

So today I had the best date ever. Every time I hang out with this guy, I think he topped the list of awesome times i ever had alone with someone. But behold! He manages to top it again. Idk how he outdoes himself every time. He's definitely not perfect, i still get mad at him all the time like always, and he does mess up A LOT. Part of that is my fault because I dont know what I want, all I know is how I feel. I can't expect him to know what I want when I don't. So anyway it's like I am learning about myself by trial and error I guess. I'm sorry I'm so unpredictable but it is how it is. I still can't say where things are going or what they are now, but to be honest I don't care. All I care about is right now. It's all I can do - if not, I would break down trying to figure out this complex life I live.

Anyway so tonight we finally did this thing we always wanted to do and went out to a park and stargaze. At first we were going to go to a lake, but the park was better. The lake wasn't as secluded and the park felt like we were camping in the woods. Also when I found out the park had a certain level of sentimental value for him it made me feel special. I mean idk about him but I wouldn't take just anybody to a place my dad used to take me to. It was like a campground, it was so cool. We were just talking and having a good time for so long. It was like I felt totally free, like I could just be myself and be weird and not care what anyone thought. Here I was with someone else who actually wanted to do the same weird thing I wanted to do. I never thought my fantasy of stargazing in a field at night would come true because it was weird, something I was embarrassed to suggest. After my eyes adjusted it seemed like so many stars were out, and we KNOW we saw a shooting star (at first I thought it was just me until he pointed it out too). And best of all he knows constellations. I couldnt stop making the big dipper out of everything (fail). He found Orion's belt and the stars were actually twinkling. It was just so surreal like I'm still in shock. I can't believe I actually got to have that experience. I'm growing up so fast... I guess ... Like here I am in college living out a fantasy I had for as long as I can remember ... like its like wow anything really can come true.

Oh yea so of course after all of that amazing fantasy stuff, I was going to seal the memory forever. It was so cool, having sex all over my car, in the middle of the park. I thought stuff like that only happened in movies. The air was so crisp and fresh, the grass was dewy, you could hear crickets (and cars in the background -_- we are still in the city after all). I felt like if I screamed in the woods no one would hear me so I did. I felt so truly uninhibited. Like I still can't believe I was outside in a shirt and heels on my trunk and out of the backseat door and driver seat door and hood and everything. Like, I was in disbelief the whole time like is this really happening?

I just feel so lucky because it was so real like ... I feel so alive and inspired. Maybe something like this is what led the author of Twilight to write her work.

Tomorrow I am going to wake up and this memory is going to start fading from crisp and fresh to the blurry kind that makes you feel nostalgic. That's why i had to write this now and break my rule of no private life in my blog. There is no other experience that could inspire me like this one did right now and this type of blog from me will probably never happen again.

-Dez Out

Is in a complete state of shock but knew it would com one day.

Ok so you not attracted to me hah? LOL that's real funny but i knew it would come it always does but im not mad. If that's how you feel then how about we find ppl that are attracted to us. but like i said im not mad that's how you feel. the only thing im mad about is the fact that you was so in love wit me to make a baby but now you got what you wanted you ok and don't need me anymore. i feel like you used me but i don't have hard feelings so how bout we leave it that way and call it a good time. cuz i don't want to fuck someone that don't like me and i would rather not cheat on you cuz i actually do love you i don't lie when i say that. but i can't believe you lied to me multiply time to my face about being attracted to me. so you let me know cuz i can't live a lie so that's all i have to say.

and i just read your fucking blog you get wet down there when you think about these niggas ok well why don't you go fuck somebody like them cuz apparently that's the type you find attractive so really fuck u cuz i dont need you. here's your fucking letter


a betrayed love (nothing new, one day these girls will learn to keep a good man)

^^ Who the hell is Lisa?!?!?!?!?!?!!!??

I've been meaning to ask that like I kno LISANDRA but I do not know LISA lol (talking about the twitter tabs)

So... I've gone back to work and so far so good!! My mean botch boss is in 2mar so we'll see how that goes! Like I'm still not over the fact that when Troy called out the day after I had the baby she tried catch a 'tude!!! Like really his son was just born u want him to come into work the next few days? like UGH!!! How dare you woman!

So... How else have I been, I guess I'm, good.. troy parents watched the kids for us this weekend so that helped out a lot...

I go to orientation friday for medix it's from 1-5 I'm really excited and I can not wait to get into my uniform... I think uniforms are soooo HAWT lol I LOVE men uniforms... you kno: firemen, police officers, NAVY, ARMY, MARINES, you know men like that... not firemen so much but def everything else.

I was never the type to be into celebrites like dez is, but it's a few that just make me feeel like UGH!!!!!!!!! I <3 them and they make my insides tingle lol like Hill Harper, and Lil wayne, and Tristan Wilds They are all just SOOOOO FUCKING SEXY the thought of them makes me wet!!!!!

I love fall!! All my favorite shows and new favorites shows are on!! Like CSI: Miami && New York!!! and the new shows I like, like Tool academy, Househusbands, Real Chance of Love 2, behind the music, TYRA, and even Maurey has a new season!!

in speaking of talk shows I LOVE WENDY WILLIAMS!!! I LOVE THAT SHOW TO DEATH!!!! like idk y but I love it!!!

Well I'm gonna stop now because troy has a piss ass 'tude cuz I find other men attractive, so gd ppl

~Mia Out~

How to Kill Bad Habits If You Have ADD

So I came to conclusion that I do not have a substance abuse problem. I just tend to want to do things I like multiple times. As my favorite quote goes:

"Try everything once, and if you like it try again."

I couldn't repeat that phrase enough! The person who told me was this friend of mine in like the 10th grade, someone who introduced me to a lot of things, and although I'll probably never see him again, that phrase is going to stick with me forever.

Let me explain.

I never do homework or study. I would leave class and know that I should review my notes but not do it. I had this attitude where I was like I dont care if I should be studying - I don't like it. Up until like last week, I wouldnt dare pick up a book or a pen or sheet of paper if I wasnt in class. Even in class, I would still manage to completely blow off learning. So in this case, you can see I consistently blew off work because I didn't like it.

Ok so me knowing this is bad had to change it. I called my twin and we decided to motivate ourselves and study. We started going to Notre Dame to study (because I needed a change in environment, Hopkins is where I party and sleep). Well, I liked doing that so now I want to study ALL the time.

It's like magic. Basically I can get rid of any bad habit with a mental thing - just train my brain to like something else.

At one point I was feeling like I was addicted to sex with one person (person A). I figured this was bad (addictive behavior) so I combated it by finding something else I liked and capitalizing on it. Thats how person B and C got into the picture. No I did not have sex with person B and C. But it did stop my addictive behavior. :-D

This new mental control is like the single most powerful thing I discovered I have since I discovered I was beautiful!

Ok I don't really know of a good way to say this but as it stands I'm able to manipulate a lot of different types of people. I wonder if deep down I always had this kind of mental power ... like is there a reason why all my teachers always liked me? I mean usually kids who the teacher always like are called teachers pets but not me, all my classmates always liked me. I hope it wasn't me being manipulative - manipulating the teachers, manipulating the students. Mr. Damseaux once told me I would make a good Cornell student because I was extremely good at succeeding relative to my peers. And you know he is always right!!

KNIFE. CUT THE TRACK FOR A SECOND. I NEED A DISCLAIMER now lol

-----i do not mean manipulative as in a bad way. I mean it more so being able to read and deal with people. knowing how people tick and how to interact with them-------------

END DISCLAIMER

I also observed this trait in my youngest brother. He can be quite manipulative at times... not in a bad way, but basically he can always get whatever he wants, always get away with anything, always makes himself look like the "good" one in any situation. He has a lot of people believing he can do no wrong when he does the most bad things out of anyone I know.

I look at him and wonder am I really like that? That's the kind of person who can.... and will.... be successful. (@Drake)

I Can't See Them Coming Down My Eyes

So I gotta let this blog cry. I love that song. However, I am angered that they keep playing it on the radio and people are singing it and they dont know that song! Get off it! But like this song reminds me of Greg. :( Like in the song he talking bout the girl that was there before everything was good and once shit blew up everyone was on his jock and he says "I was just fucking them girls, I was gonna get right back." and that thats some greg ish. Like he feels like he can go and do him and do whatever and just come back to me like I'm wifey so I should be cool with everything but I'm not and that bitch gonna have to cry to get me to forgive him this time!

Anyway, on a brighter note, Mia went back to work today!! I'm happy for her cause I know she be bored at work with the baby. So in the future, when I have my baby, I'm going to quit my job cause I want to be with my baby 24/7 and I don't want to miss any of their fails. For example, my parents missed the first time I dressed myself for school (at that time I still lived in Cuba) and it was cause they were at work and my grandmother didn't feel like arguing with me. Anyway it was a fail cause my shoes didn't match and I wore like pants and a dress but it was cute and my parents missed it. And I know I've had other major fails when I was learning to walk and I don't want to miss any of my children. Also, I was raised to believe that women should have their own careers but they should also take care of the household and I have no problem getting my PhD and becoming a house wife. I will be able to analyze my child and I can understand how to make them smarted and things like that.

OOOO....I invented sex just came on the radio and it reminded me of Dez. It was funny cause yesterday me and Day had a conversation about how she wishes she had what me and Dez have and it made me so happy. Like everyone knows that Dez is my ride or die and that we spend hella time together and its like we don't just annoy each other. And a lot of best friends always fall apart cause they spend tooooo much time together but its like me and Dez have the perfect balance! And we actually do get shit done at our study sessions and bounce off each others energy! Plus we can party together. (I give you the credit card and baby you can max this OOOOUT...sorry fav line) Anyway, I forgot what I was saying. 

TaTaFaNow

Sandra Out

My Relationship With Penis

So, for my faithful blog readers who don't know, I gave a male "friend" of mines head a while ago. I was intoxicated and he clearly took advantage of the situation and for a while I was mad at him about it but now I am truly happy he did it! I like giving head! It's fun!!! I'm going to do it again and again and again and again (you get my point?) I don't care if Brittnie doesn't like it or whatever cause its my mouth!! MINES!!!!! I even told Blake I liked it and was good at it and when he commented that he didn't believe I was tempted to prove it. lol...So, this is the last time I want to hear a penis joke Brittnie! Next time, I will stop talking to you! And it won't be because I'm not answering my phone or whatever. It will be because I have a dick in my mouth!!

HA!
Sandra/Becky Out

Niggas is Whores TOO!!!

So last night, I was all happy, hanging with my twinship, geeking, making note cards and soon eating. So i go to check my myspace, which never happens and I see Greg has new photos. I go and look at them and he look all hood and whatnots as usual but I like that extra hoodnessa bout him. Then i remember that I sent him a message a minute ago and I go and look at it and I see that he just read it and didn't reply! This lil bitch ass whore always talking about I din't make an effort to contact him and he love me but I be playing games and shit like that so what the fuck is this!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS IT!!!!! UGH!! and I know he's going to call around my birthday and be like I miss you , I love you,what's up with us?. And we gonna talk about why we not together for like an hour and then he gonna get mad about me messing with girls and then he gonna yell about how he love me sooooo fucking much that he quit selling and got a real job just for me!! NUMBER ONE: he should have been quit cause its illegal and he could go to jail! NUMBER TWO: he lied to me cause he quit the zoo and went back to the streets. NUMBER THREE: I do love this fool but I am tired of his bitchass kanye games!!! UGH!! Why the fuck can't I get rid of him?? Why did I meet him?? I'm bout to go find his cousin and ask her why this fool had my number! ugh

And then there is brittnie. This winch is pissing me off! Don't get me wrong, i love her too and she makes me happy and we have fun (for a while) but she is alway ALWAYS trying to find out about my damn past! I have never shared this with anyone so why the hell would I share with you?! So what if we were in a relationship?? SO WHAT!!!! Kia and Darwin did stuff the other don't know about. Mia and Troy don't share everything! AND I'm tired of her making these little jokes about me liking penis!! SO WHAT!!! I'm going to write a whole other blog about me and penis just for her!

Real talk, I'm just tired of these bitch assness trying to be all up in my heart! GET OUT! ugh

(and justin I am sorry for calling you gay cause you haven't done anything. I'm going to stop taking my anger out on you :D)

All Fa Now
Sandra Out

Is so pissed that she tries to make me sound so bad!

OK I'll start from the lease important to the most. OK the whole "yeast infection" thing started out as a joke but i guess her conscious is feeling bad and i don't have to cheat sweet heart, and trust me if i wanted to cheat on you you would have no suspicious about it, and everything would be perfect. also , before we started dating i told you about how i felt about cheaters so if you think I'm cheating you obviously don't know me at all. Lastly on this subject if i thought you were cheating on me i wouldn't be sticking my dick in you raw or laying in your House every night when i have somewhere else to go.


Now this is the last thing i will address is the whole hotel thing. Now here is the background of the story. We got one free night at a hotel. We had to check in after 4 but i was at work so i didn't get there til like 6. So about a week or two before she had been asking me what did i want to do and I told her all i wanted to is chill and watch a movie do it and lay with her. And yes i did tell her that i didn't want to be with the other couples cuz this night was suppose to be our night together. And i told her i appreciated what she did but it wasn't what i told her i wanted. And what i wanted didn't cost anything and she got 75 dollars for her cell phone bill and she spent it all on that night when we don't have money. I told her i appreciated it but it was over the top and we couldn't afford it. this was my views on the whole thing so you tell me if i was wrong but hey that's what happened.

good night

FAIL lol

11:20pmRayRay

justin wants to make some weed brownies this weekend

lol

11:20pmDezeray

ayyyye im down

^^^^

this is a fail because clearly i said i was not going to do that anymore! lol but as you can see...

Also i said I was not going to drink heavily anymore and Saturday I had a tequila sunrise, glass of moscato, appletini, cup of nuvo, and a sip of x rated ... so that was a fail too.

I realized I don't know/ have no fucking clue about what i want and I should stop trying to act like I do when clearly I don't FML

Dez Out

UR A JERK!!!!!!!!!!!!

TROY IS SUCH A JERK

He is!! Like idk why out the blue he's trying to make it seem like I'm cheating on him!! I told him that I have a yeast infection that came from either

A) A new sex partner
B) Multiple sex partners
C) Constant sex unprotected

So If anybody knows me and Troy WE HAVE SEX ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!! And he had the nerves to ask me how don't I know that you having sex with somebody else. I'm like I'm here all damn day bored out my fucking mind waiting for you to come home and you have the nerve to say I'm cheating on you!!!! UGHHHHHH

I am beyond pissed at him!! I feel like he's really skating on thin ice because he keeps doing and saying little slick ass shit out his mouth thats gonna seriously make me hurt him I also feel like he's only saying this cuz he's cheated on me and if I say i did or something he'll feel better that he did.

>>IF I FOUND OUT HE DID I WILL NOT BE MAD BUT I CAN PROMISE I WILL HURT HIM AND I WILL NEVER ALLOW HIM TO FORGET WHAT HE DID<<

That's only if he has.........

I'm still pissed about the night at the hotel I still feel the emotional slap in the face that he gave me. Maybe that's y I have been a bitch to him its like I'm still hurt over that!! I tried so hard to be nice and sweet and romantic and he didn't even like appreciate it, like I know he said he didn't but I don't believe him and I'm still hurt over that. Really hurt..... But of course he's not even thinking about it.

But to end on a good note... I go back to work Friday and I can't wait!!!

~Mia out~

Best I Ever Had

So I'm blogging from my new laptop. It's perfect! Its a Sony Vaio, beautiful inside and out, clean cut, classy, stylish, new, has an Intel Core 2 Duo (since apparently Intel outperforms AMD consistently), glossy, has my name engraved on it, feels good to type on and is basically everything I ever wanted.

Still I miss my old laptop. I miss the way it had a page up and page down key (on my Vaio, page up and page down are Fn keys like on a Mac to make the letter keys bigger), I miss how huge the mouse buttons were, I miss the scroll thing on the touchpad (yet another way my Vaio reminds me of a Mac), I miss the rawness of my AMD chip, I miss all my personalized settings, I miss my browsing history, I miss the DC sticker I had pasted on the front. It doesnt help that my stomach hurts pretty bad right now (probably because I havent had time to eat today and I went to dance practice on an empty stomach) so like I'm overall in a sulky mood and I miss my old laptop. i HATE ENDINGS!!! 

Oh yeah, time for good news. I have a spot in a garage now! This def means I'm going to be leaving campus left and right. As soon as I get my engine part that is.

So to keep you up to date I have been joining clubs lately, but I dont feel like talking about that now because its so much. But they are a lot of fun and I cant believe I didnt do this stuff as a freshman. I'll bring them up later if I remember.

I feel rushed but that is all that I have time to say for now - I just couldnt wait to blog on my new laptop. Im actually feeling better about losing my faithful lovely laptop now. Especially since technically its not dead, its just problematic. I could still use it, I'd just have to put up with a defective fan, a defective DVD drive, defective ports, shortaged charger, slightly discolored screen, crumbs under my keys, failing hard drive with multiple bad sectors, and refusal to boot up 90% of the time.

Haha. On second thought, I LOVE my new Vaio and I'm not looking back.

GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in such a GRRRRRRRR mood. Last night the parenting group class me and Troy was in gave us and 2 other couples a free night at a hotel. Troy from the beginning didn't wanna go with the other couples he's like they are gonna wanna hangout and all I wanna do is chill with you. I understand that but if we have sex as soon as u get there around 5 y cant we chill with them for a hour or 2 and still have plenty of time for us? It bothers me cuz it seems like Troy never wants to hangout with ppl that I wanna hangout with its like If I am friends with somebody it seems like he just don't like them. I thought the couple thing was nice cuz the guys would play the game and us girls would just chill but idk I know where Troy was coming from but did he really have to be so distant the whole time. But then again I don't care cuz I went ne way and had a few laughs I'm happy I went.

So next reason why I am in a GRRRRRRRR mood is cuz I went all out on a low budget for Troy I went and got a new outfit, some candles,some liquor.... food, food for later that night, fruit, STOCKINGS sodas, some cute little drinking glasses, a lot and I didn't it on little money even spent my bill money on it. So after I come back from the other couples room i lay down with Troy and idk how we got on this but I asked him what did he want and he's like I appreciate what u did but this isn't what I wanted. Like I felt like that was a HUGE slap in the face!!! And I'm like wow I cant believe he said that but then again he's a Tool at times so its whatever I just know that I am not gonna go out on the limb for him ne more, I also do the romantic shit and the surprises and stuff!!! All I asked for him to do was write me a letter and he couldn't even do that talking about he don't like to write and that it was too short notice ugh a bunch of BS so I'm not even worried about it ne more I'm just gonna take it day by day cuz I get tired of being the romantic one, like he makes me feel like me being a hopeless romantic is some kinda crime or a disease or something. And if i want something done to me I have to tell him and its no fun having to tell ur guy what u want they should just know....

UGH GUYS JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO once againGRRRRRRRRRR I thougth last nigth would have been fun it was but I went to sleep angry and upset only to be woken up 3 in the morning cuz he wanted to have sex (I did have sex but thats beside the point) I was still upset, I'M STILL UPSET but I just ignore it cuz it seems to only be me who feels this way.

(sigh)
Mia out

How to be A Groupie

• Well I would like to know. Somebody tell me lol so I can go be Trey Songz' groupie!! Lmao. I know he has a billion groupies but i feel like I am the best choice anyway so he should come find me. It would be like robbing the cradle twice - once cause im 18 and twice cause I ain't no groupie! lol (until SongzYuuup comes along)

• Anyway on a serious note if anyone knows how to be a groupie hit me up. 
  

• I figure the first step is follow him on twitter lol!
  

I could blog all day about Trey but there are other things that need to be brought to attention. ONE is that I am not drinking for a little while (that statement is fluid). I will drink maybe coolers and that's it, or like watered down light beer, but the vodka and the heavy liquor and the nuvo and all of that is suspended for a little while.  Lol. 

Why you may say when I used to LOVE hardcore drinking? Yes this is me who does keg stands at frats and chugs vodka in the back of the club and orders rounds of tequila shots just to have fun. I still like all that stuff and i still love to party party let's all get wasted like gucci mane but now I feel like i need to acknowledge all that bad stuff everyone was talking about. Like for instance

BLACKOUTS

Yea they are real. I had a blackout last time i got drunk! A whole en-bloc blackout. For those of you who dont know the terminology (which I didnt before I looked it up), an en bloc blackout is one where you just dont remember anything even if someone reminds you what happened. Its so weird. Like ok, what I remember is a couple scenes and then waking up in the middle of the night puking. So I thought I must have fell asleep i.e. passed out, right?

Right? WRONG! Apparently I was still up and awake and partying as usual. Except not only was I  copletely wasted, but I was not even freakin' conscious of my surroundings. Its so scary to know that I could have ended up anywhere and really not even known or anything. Good thing I have good friends! Like AT LEAST when Im drunk i still know what I'm doing. Yeah I'm uninhibited but Im still aware so like when I wake up I know exactly what happened and everything.  Like even if I did stupid stuff like I feel like I still had a hand in the decision making process that led me to do whatever. But a blackout ... like I was completely not in control. Everytime someone was like oh, this happened, I was like really? WHEN! I didnt even have the slightest blurriest smidgen of an idea of what happened. It was really like I had fallen asleep. 

I dont understand why the body would think blacking out is a good defense mechanism. Like I understand throwing up because it gets the alcohol out or passing out because it makes you unable to drink any more or do anything stupid because your sleeping. but blacking out? HELLA unsafe! What if I would have killed someone or jumped off a bridge?? What if I just gave away all my valuables? Like I just cant believe it at all lol 

All my friends I have seen them get really drunk and pass out or throw up or act horny or whatever but I've never had a friend black out before. So I cant believe I would be the unlucky one who has to worry about blackouts!! Grr lol

Anyway I am going to start over from scratch with drinking because a year ago when i started I was really cautious and I carefully noted at what point I would be buzzed, etc. Now I just drink and party! I have to do it carefully that way again so I know exactly where to stop so that I never black out again but still get to enjoy being wasted!! There's no fun in being wasted if you missing the whole thing because your ass is blacked out. After all as Loso would say "Patron, you my ni**a".

And while Im on the topic of evaluating my substance  abuse I should make it clear that I am also done with weed brownies (that statement is also fluid). When I smoke out of a bowl I get a nice high and feel totally chill. When I soke a joint I get a considerably not-as-good high but its still decent at least for the first hour or so before I start feeling completely sedated and out of energy. but when I eat brownies? I get so high that it feels BAD and I just want to be normal again. Like I can feel all my nerves tingling, I can't get to sleep, every noise echoes all over the place, I have uncontrollable cotton mouth, uncontrollable munchies, hallucinating, and I can't do anything besides watch something (i.e. the same movie two or three times in a row). Its not even attentive watching more like blank staring And i had a terrible headache like someone wedged a vibrator in my brain. Jasimine told me I was tripping balls cause I had 3 and you only supposed to eat one. Well either way I am afraid of weed brownies now lol. 

That being said I had fun the last few times I got high with joints and bowls. 

So now you know about me and substance abuse and also know I do not endorse substance abuse especialy if you are under 21 like me. However I do endorse Trey Songz ... where he at? Lol

-Dez Out

Alot has Changed.....

so this is my first time blogging since ive been back home and im excited to actually have internet and be able to. so alot has happened since my last blog like i said im back home in Baltimore (i kno no more hawaii kinda sad lol) but i think that it was the best move for me personally. Plus i really missed Baltimore in the end (i mean who wouldnt miss gunshots, police cars, and ambulances at 4am) but more seriously i not only moved back home but ive decided to pursue one of my passions in life cooking. I enrolled myself in Culinary Arts school and i couldnt be more happy about it.

i dont really much more to add but there will def. be more to come

Jay Out

Holy shit, is she really sucking his dick?!?!?!

LMAO I just brain stormed that title lol it is a story behind that tho lol

but ne who I'm blogging cuz it's been a while since I've blogged and I needed to catch up on whats happened.

I'm almost back to work I go back Sept 17 and I can not wait!!!! I want sum money money in my pocket and I wanna pay my bank debt

I went out with my friends and had a lot of fun! !!

I wish I had blacked out like another friend of mines but i wasn't that lucky lol I remember everything I do, I've passed out before but I've never blacked out and not remembered my night lol

Ok I have come to terms with ignoring Troy's mom. I realize that she just wants her way all the time and she can't have it way all the time with my son. Like I'm older now and I'm not trying to do the same things I did with Melanie again So I have my child and just because I said no you can't have him doesn't mean that its the end of the world exspecially when he's only fucking 5 weeks old like wtf!!!!!!!!!

but other than that I can't wait until I start skool, even tho I kno i'm gonna b really tired when I do but I am ready to do something and get the ball rolling and get money!!!!

So I tried breast feeding.... I don't think it's for me but next kid I'll def try.

I'm going to a hotel for the night this Saturday to Sunday, I can't wait its gonna b fun!!!

Well, I don't have much else to say, I think that's everything I have to say in the nut shell...

I'm out

Never Fucking Again

So the title doesn't mean that I won't ever fuck again (As in sex). It means that I won't ever in my life get high again!!!

So I went to a drama house party on a chill night (As usual). Chatting, Beer Pong, and Dancing, and I was the soberest one in the house. Well that was until my walk home decided she wanted to go to another Drama House so I had to agree because there was no way I was walking home by myself. So we get there and everyone is already high but wanting to smoke more. So my friend asks me to join her in a room to smoke and I said I'll go but won't smoke. Yeah that was a load of hooey.

I got there and was peer pressured into smoking. Okay not really peer pressured but it was tempting. I was so good until that last hit I took that had me coughing up both of my lungs for like 50 minutes. And then the high hit me. Everything swirled in circles. I couldn't remember shit I did 3 seconds ago and I was a little dizzy. So I told my friends we needed to go home. I was tired and hella high and I hated being in the confined space of the room because it was making me a little antsy. So, we're walking home and I start hallucinating like a BITCH. I thought people were going to rob and shoot me. I thought black ninjas were following me. I heard voices everywhere, I saw a dog in the bathroom and a dirty ass lady sitting on the chair in my common room.

But the worst hallucination would have to be right when I was falling asleep and I could've sworn there were hamsters crawling in my bed and white cockroaches on my pillow. And my first thought wasn't "Shit, wtf". My first thought was "Fuckin' Hamsters." Those words exactly.

Also, I had the munchies like a bitch and I ended up walking all the way in someone's room on the wrong floor before I found out it wasn't the floor I lived on. I couldn't stop laughing for shit and I felt sooooo stupid when people cut me off in conversations. I always feel so retarded and I hate it. So I don't think I'll be getting that high ever again, or even at al.

A Ho's Place

So the school year has finally stated and of course my life is hella hectic but I think I can manage thought it. First off, me and the love of my life (Dezzy) have been spending so much amazing quality time together like I promised and its not even like just parties and dumb drunk events but its real time like going shopping or helping her moving in or just sitting around at her grandmother's house eating tv dinners (ie FAVE EVENT) :D and it just really feels good that she really is like my sister and I love her sooooo much and she's just always there when I need her. And this school year is going to be even greater because we are now in the swing of college and life and we will just have hella bonding time :D

But anyway, back to the title of this blog. Recently, it has been brought to my attention that my amazing ex-girlfriend who I am clearly NOT over and my relationship with her is CLEARLY NOT OVER was talking to some female. While I am not mad because she was talking to some girl, it was the simple fact that she always asks me who I am talking to and if I am lying to her when for the past couple of weeks it has been her who has been keep secrets from me!! She has been talking to some LaKiesha girl (not her real name because I don't care what her name is) and this LaKiesha girl thinks she can replace ME! HA! First off, she is a ho. and I don't mean that in a chick who has sex for money kinda way but in a mistress kind of light. she is mearly a placeholder and it is time for her to step as those before have. Females need to understand that there is ALWAYS a wife at home and that wife is the person that you take to all the family events and that everyone knows and that all the kids regonize. CHICK YOU AIN'T IT!!!!! I have played the ho role in the past and I was perfectly ok because I didn't expect me and them to last forever and I knew that eventually his wife would come and get them. I got a free movie or dinner or clothes and they got the time that wifey wasn't giving them. WIN-WIN. what I have a problem with is when all the sudden hos try to become wifey. TRY AGAIN. and with someone else.

In case everyone doesn't know, Me and Brittnie will always be together, regardless of if we have titles or anything. I could go missing for a year and we would still be together. Just remember at the end of night, she's still thinking about laying with me and wishes she was on teh phone with ME! And jsut when you try to prove me wrong, you call and she is where? WITH ME!

~Feeling Bitchy
Sandra Out