So I know it's been a while...

Yeah, yeah, yeah I got it. I posted a while ago. It's only because honestly, I've been too overwhelmed to do SHIT and I have some really deep things I need to get off of my chest.

1. Over the past few days I've been thinking about death. NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO DIE OR KILL MYSELF! ...I've just been thinking about it and dreaming about it. I've also been thinking a lot about heaven...and you know what, I'm no longer scared to die. Part of me even feels like in order for me to feel full at the end of my lifetime, I need to be in heaven. Before I scared shitless of dying and now it's something that I (not look forward to but) welcome...when it's my time of course. I won't know that until I actually do die. But don't worry. I'm not suicidal anymore. I have too much to live for to deal with that shit again.

2. I've cried EVERY FUCKING DAY these past few weeks and I don't know why. I guess it's just 10 years of emotion coming out, I don't know. A few days ago I was even thinking about quitting acting....WHAT!!!! ME QUIT ACTING? I KNOWW!!! I was that depressed. Fortunately, that's no longer an option but I just want to be cured from this anxiety. Sometimes I feel like starting over. I don't want to cry anymore!! NO MORE! I do it too much!

3. I believe I'm suffering from actue schizophrenia. Now don't sit and say to me "No you're not you just think you are" DON'T FUCKING SAY THAT CUZ I'M SICK OF THAT SHIT!!!! STOP IT NOW!!! If I have n intuition about something then just let me handle it and prove myself wrong. I mean hey, for all we know I could be...my biological grandmother was schizophrenic. I don't know how to make people understand how I think! No one knows the shit that I think about it....it's fucking scary....to deal with these thoughts. I can't control them, that's the scary part. I hallucinate, I exit my body sometimes, I've fucking paranoid as hell, I don't know what this is. I'm tired of being looked at as a crazy person sometimes. ...Honestly

Sorry to throw al of this serious shit on you but I needed to say it to someone.....It's funny how you can feel so alone in a world full of people...

ONCE AGAIN I WANT TO REITERATE I AM NEITHER HOMICIDAL, SUICIDAL, OR PSYCHOTIC! I'm just a normal teenager going through some things right now so don't judge me!!


....and I've also been really bitchy but that's another story...