sex+ heartburn+life = one streessful life

Well it hasn't been a while for me bloggin but it has been a while since I sat down and shared my feelings normally because I locked them away and forget about them.

so Lets start like this, I will respond to Troy's blog about our sex life. So it's not like we dont have sex at all let me clear that we do it but it just dont b as good as at used to b before I got pregnant. like Now all the postions I want to do and enjoy are all uncomfortable and it gives me heartburn (which sucks btw) like I want to have sex and do all the freaky things that he described but I just dont have the enengy to do it, like if we were to do all those things (which sound nice except the butt thing I've only dont that when I was drunk and i think I wont b able to do it again until i can get drunk again) But I believe in order to do that we need like a whole day or weekend to do so, cuz I just have too much going on like Melanie is going thru terrible 3's cuz she wasnt bad at 2 seems like now that she's 3 she wanna b a little diva or something idk what it is but its stressing me out and i feel like I wanna smack her n the back of then head and of i wasnt watchin so much CSI and knew i could cuz he like a brain injury i wouldve been done it but idk I really wanna please him and do all the things we used to do before but I just b so tired like ugh!!!!!!!!!!! bahh idk

so another thing I've been thinking an I finally (well almost) came to terms with is me not getting married yet like now as i think while i type I realize that once me and troy get a place and get established we probably get married after that but idk I just want a ring that will tell me that we will one day, like thats my biggest thing like I want the promise of it. like I always stress that I dont wanna b my mom age and never been married once. It hurts me to think that she'll probably die and never kno what its like and will probably die alone I dont wanna die alone. Like sleeping with troy is the best thing I've ever felt ever. He's there when I have a bad dream he's there when I need him and I just never felt so protected n my life. I never felt so loved. I just wanna idk like I feel like I dont have ne one to talk to cuz everybody is like ur only 19, ur only 19 but idk I feel like time is ticking and the world could b over ne day now and I wanna b married and right with the lord. so idk maybe it's just me cuz nobody seems to feel the way I feel everybody thinks im too young but idk maybe its cuz I have such an old soul and have done so much like idk I feel lost on this subject

Then skool.... ugh.... I really hate it. I'm afraid now cuz I dont think Im getting a refund which I wouldve used to handle a few things n then to save for the baby but idk if i'm getting it now if i dont get the money from this scholarship I owe the skool 888 and idk how the hell I can pay that like I def. dont have have that kind of money I have baby to save for a house to save for how the hell can I pay you 888 dollars? idk how I lost it or may have lost (its unsure for now the lady said I should still get it) like nuffin changed from last year so idk I need to sit around and find a scholarship that dont want my grades because those sucked last semester they really sucked so idk i'm just like ugh!!! I'm trying to to stress and leave it in gods hands but I went from one period having everything good to a period that I'm struggling really hard like looking at my money now I'm gonna b broke for the next 4-5 weeks and idk what to do im trying to stay positive but then again its really hard to like i shouldve had my money by now and if i dont get it I have to find some kinda loan to pay for it but no one's gonna give me the loan cuz I dont have credit, then I cant get credit cuz i never had ne so now i'm just stuck between a rock and a hard place like ugh.......... idk I dont kno what to do........


Well on a good note the baby kicks all the time I can't wait until monday when I can either find out what i'm having or find out when i can find out what im having I hope its a girl i really do but idk it'll probably b a boy but only time will tell