So im hone alone and bored and have been so for most of the day. I went out to get some flowers together for my pastors funeral but other then that ive been home alone and bored. Im just so bored but im not sleepy now its almost time for me to go and now im sleepy. But then again i didnt get sleepy until i started listening to r. kelly... so idk
So I cant wait until I have my regular hormones back. These pregnancy hormones b having me on some serious crazy shit. and troy thinks after i have the baby im gonna have postpartum despression. i dont think so I think me and him will have a different relationship.
I also think that or know that he's bored with me, like im not the same girl he feel in love with n hes not the same guy i feel in love with and i feel like morgan did it. that skool has changed everybody i kno. so idk
Im just hella bored and decided to blog since no one else doesn ne more
Home alone IV
POST 100-BACK TO THE START
Since this is the 100th post, I feel like we should look back to what brought us all together: City College. While we have been growing over the past year in college, our school has not progressed and we need to take a moment to reflect. But first:
Epiphany
This was written while I was under severe emotional stress, I'm over this situation now and feel like ppl show just disregard this post
So I'm trying to go to sleep and I can't I feel like I have a lot of thought going on in my head and I cant really talk to troy about them cuz I dont kno how he'll take it. Like I dont kno if its my pregnancy emotions or what it is but I feel like me and him aren't even on the same page ne more. Like i dont even kno and it makes me so upset cuz I feel like we never really had problems like this before so I dont even kno if it just me or what. Like I love him, but I don't kno if I'm in love with him. Like over the pass few days he's changed a lot. like his whole attitude is different. and I dont like it. Like I feel like he doesnt wanna b around me ne more like he's getting cold feet about the baby. And it doesnt help that he shared with me that he feels like he wasted his youth he doesnt get to do the things other ppl our age get to do... so I'm like what? like honestly that hurt my feelings cuz i can forsee him just trying to do a whole lot of reckless things now before the baby gets here. Like sometimes i wanna break but then I dont like I dont even kno and Im fighting myself cuz i dont kno if its me or my emotions or what and its just killin me on the inside cuz i just dont kno what it is. like I dont kno where to turn ne more cuz feel like no one know what i feel like or whats going on with me like i feel sooooooo alone. its keeping me up at night cuz its always on my mind and him acting strange isnt helping ne...
I called this blog epiphany cuz I've listening to chrisette michele song epiphany and I feel like that. Like i feel like im over being his girlfriend. but i feel like me breaking up with him would just b dumb like he does so much things for me financially and transportation wise, but on the other hand i feel like we're not on the same page ne more and im not exactly sure how I wanna handle it like I dont kno where to talk to him or just let it work its course or what? like i feel like that i put up with a lot and he doesnt do the same for me. like im no longer sure what to do and i feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place. Like im so depressed and I'm tired of feeling this way. Im just tired of holding back my emotions like I feel like maybe just maybe if i stop censoring myself i'll feel better.
am I asking for too much?
This question has been on my mind for a while now and I'm wondering if I am asking for too much. I just want to be treated like idk what its called but I just want to have more on hands things done and more romantic like when I'm angry bring me flowers when I sad bring me candies. Like I just want certain things and I feel like its romantic and it seems nobody thinks this but me and I feel like ugh!!! Why are all the sweet things I want done to me seem to be far from ne one's mind. like I don't if I'm asking for too much or I'm not deserving of it, its like ne thing romantic that gets done to me is probably sexually related or money related nothing spontaneous now I'm to the point that I don't kno if I am asking for too much or what like it upsets me that everything I want I have to ask for I never get ne surprises if I want it I gotta ask for it! It kills me that I have to do that. like is it me? i don't even kno anymore but I just needed to rant and get it off my chest.
H & M
More like Hot and Mess!!!!!!!!!!! I do not really like that store or maybe it cuz its not my style. But i was depressed so I decided to use my gift card my brother got me for Christmas. That store had me so stressed!!! I figured that since I am pregnant I'll just get a dress I can fit a sun dress u kno it flares out by the boob part plenty room for mt stomach!! wrong!!!!!! I felt sooo effin pregnant in those dresses like i felt like a big ass whale!!!!!!!! I just felt so pregnant I couldn't take it ne more. after while tho I found a dress that suited me and brought some leggings, and flip flops and still had 2 dollars left on my gift card (it was a %50 dollar gc) after that me n troy was gonna go n look n the maternity store and just look but we ended up buying this nice dress that troy fell in love with and brought it for me. I felt so pretty! well I'm kinda distracted so im out
It's a boy!!!!!!!!!!!!
For those of you out there who didn't kno yup its a boy!!! I'm a little scared for raising a boy like I feel like thats its not much out here for boys besides sports like yea i kno keep him n skool but idk I'm afraid that i could loose my son into the easily drawn streets. like thats just a fear of mines but idk I think my son will b fine like he has two strong parents and a whole shit load of supporters so we'll b ok but idk... this is it for now so im out...
The Love Of My Life
So...I never talked about Greg on here, so I'll give the background. I've known him for like 7 years and we always had this love/hate relationship where he pisses me off and we don't talk and then I piss him off and we don't talk but at the end of the day, he's still me boo. So, I told him and and Brittnie were engaged and he was really pissed and called me all kinds of names and told me to fuck off cause he hated me and I was breaking his heart and all kinds of stuff and didn't want to talk to me. And when I told Brittnie, she's like well you need to stop being friends with him and I was like, sure (cause he didn't want to be friends with me anyway). So I kept calling him and he would NOT talk to me. Like he wouldn't answer and then he got his phone cut off. So when I finally got in touch with him (which was lucky cause the call went through even though the phoen was off), he told me how he wasn't mad at me anymore but he had a new phone and he gave me the number. So we talked about it and about how he was mad that I would end what me and him had by getting engaged and that he could always destroy any relationship I was in but that if I got married, he might never get me. And I was like AWWW. (now I know you think its bs but this is real cause I knwo him like no one else ever will). But at the time I was at Brittnie's house so I told him I would call him back and I did the other night.
So me and him are talking and he's telling me that he's happy that I'm happy but that he's still in love with me and that he can't help but be mad at the situation. And he feels that I'm putting her before him and that he expected this from everyother female but me. I told him that I still had love for him but that I just wasn't in love with him. And he asked me was I sure. I'm not though. Like I can tell him anything and do anything with him and he won't accuse me of being dumb or immature but he'll laugh at me cause he's my friend. And like no matter what, I know that I can ask him to give me the world and he'll do it in a heartbeat. And I realize that I don't treat him right and that I need to be there for him cause I'm his rock. He's the honey to my bee! :D The caramel to my apples :D!! lol and like when I think about him, I can't help but smile and wanna laugh and think about all the dumb stuff we've said to each other over the years and all the fun times we've had together and all the times we yelled at each other but we're cool again by the end of the night. And its weird cause he tells me he loves me all the time but when we were younger he would die before he commited to one girl. And I don't care if he has hoes on his dick, giving him money cause I ain't doing that and he doesn't expect that from me. Like all he wants me to do is be happy and carefree with him and grow together and one day start a family (so we can be hood rich :D lol) and I feel like he deserves that.
And I know that if me and him don't work out, he'll still be my best friend and we can always hang
Ta Ta For Now
Lisandra
I'm With Mia
I'm really tired of all the bullshit that goes on in my relationship! Like how the fuck do you expect me to care about the shit you say when every other second your telling me I'm dumb or this or that?! LOOK BITCH! I have a 3.0 (soon to be 3.8 :D) GPA at a hard-ass school, not to mention a fuckin job, and I atill find time to hang with my friends and make sure that they're cool no matter what is going on! And you want me to spend all my free time with you when you wouldn't do the same for me?! Lets take last night for example. So all yesterday Brittnie bitches cause we don't talk anymore and we don't hang out and this and that shit. So, I'm like ok, I'll make time for you and she tells me that we're going to the store. So I think its just me and her. WORNG! It was me, her and her grandmother (not that I don't love her grandmother). but the trip wasn't even to spend time with me. It was so her granny can buy stuff for Brittnie's party on the low without Brittnie seeing! But then Brittnie proceeds to try to hold my hand when her grandmother isn't looking and shit like that! WTF?! Your turning 22 on friday! WHY THE FUCK DOES THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE NOT KNOW THAT WE ARE ENGAGED!!!! WHY?! WHY?! you want me to be fucking excited about it?! then act like a grown woman and tell your fucking granny!!! ugh! But then the night continued and we go to walmart. (Mind you we left giant at like 9 something) So her grandmother had to wait for one of those scooters cause she can't walk around and I had to wait with them. After waiting for 45 minutes (and me and Brittnie arguing cause I had a problem), her granny finally gets the scooter jsut to go upstairs and they don't have what she wants! UGH!!!!UGH!!!!!UGH!!!!! and then her grandmother wants to go to another walmart! EXCUSE ME?! So I was like no, I have school in the morning and I did not sign up for this! and then Brittnie is gonna bitch like you always stay at my house til like 12 anyway so I don't know why your acting this way and blah blah blah! mind you, I be sleep at her house from 7-11 pm! and its the end of the semester so teachers are trying to pull everything together and its stressful! Not to mention I got transfer at my job to will call and membership (which is a big step :D) and I'm learning a new position! SO GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!! she acts like just cause she works corrections now, she can step to me! NO! YOU CAN NOT!!! you go to fuck BCCC which is like 13th grade for anyone who graduated from city!!! CUT THE BULLSHIT!!!
I forgot, so yesterday after all this happened, I went home and I was feeling sick so I told her I would call her back. So I call at 11:40pm and she's like, "well, I'm on the phone with someone." BITCH! its 11:40!! WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO!! so I hang up when she says that and she calls me back at 1:30am. Excuse me?? Fuck you, Fuck that, and Fuck it!
All For Now
Sandra Out
How to Ace an Interview
So lately I have been going on summer job interview after summer job interview. And I feel like I'm starting to get really good at them. So I'm going to write down what I learned here -- you know my life is about getting money and fucking bitches (not literally ok thats just a phrase)
SO HERES "HOW TO GET MONEY 101" aka "Acing An Interview"
step 1: go on a lot of interviews.
Even if you have no intention of taking the offer, go on the interview anyway. You have to do a lot of interviews to get used to thinking on your feet. And its also a boost for confidence and self worth.
step 2: get to know yourself.
I recommend taking those online Myers Briggs personality tests. I would never say in an interview "yeah, i took a test online that told me I was..." BUT those tests can give you heads up about yourself for like if they ask you to tell them yourself, or if they ask you to describe yourself in five words or how you think you fit into a team or something.
step 3: have a really streamlined concise resume
self explanatory, i.e. dont have a lot of crap in it. your resume is not your interview. save something for the interview so they discover something new about you when they meet you that makes them want you
step 4: ask questions
not too many. just maybe one or two at the end of the interview so you look interested.
step 5: be you
people are naturally charismatic. dont be afraid to let your personality shine through. you dont want to be a robot, you want them to like you and remember you and think they'd like you enough to see you everyday as a part of the team
step 6: pay attention to their body language
if they're making skeptical looking faces, then you may not be impressing them. try to remain confident and make mental note of their reactions so in the future maybe you could see if you were saying something that employers dont like to hear (maybe for example if you were somehow implying you're unreliable)
step 7: every time your encountered with a random hardass question, remember it
one time someone asked me to describe a mistake i have made that may have affected others. this was the hardest question i ever answered! now if i get something similar, im prepared for it.
step 8 : try not to get too attached
some people like you and some won't. dont take it personal and dont try to drastically change and mold to fit everyone else. you have to find a place where you fit and if you dont, then you dont want to be there anyway.
with that being said, im out. i have another interview in the afternoon today for a position i dont want that bad but I'm doing it anyway. Lets keep our fingers crossed that i get a callback for something I like before the summer! :D
Dez out
Don't feed me the bullshit
So I had a bad start off to today. I'm over the whole situation now but I realized that I needed to blog about it so here I go.
So today actually kinda started out ok nuffin major until I got to work.I get to work and I happen to look at the schedule and see that ot says big ass day next to my name "OFF" since I've been working there when I'm in skool I have the same days from week to week. So I was upset nuffin to cry over until I started to voice my opinion. My manager that does the schedule was off so I really dont have a choice but to wait to she gets there and ask her but the fact remains y am I missing this day normally me and Troy work the same days, so how come he gets to keep his friday but mines is gone? So I'm just thinking and speaking out loud and as I am, Troy is just strugging his shoulders so I look at him and I'm like you dont even care. So he's like what you want me to yell and fuss cuz ur day is missing? THAT WAS NOT THE POINT!!!!!!! let me say it again THAT WAS NOT, NOT THE POINT! I dont want you to fuss cuz my day was missing I wanted to just show some compassion and just say something comforting or helpful but instead you just walk around unaffected. If the shoe was on the other foot you'd b pissed and I'd try to say something to help or comfort you ne thing but walk around as if its not my problem cuz its not me. And this thing about that is everytime I have an issue he never says ne thing comforting, he acts as if he's some sort of computer that cant compute emotions. Like idk what to say cuz this is keeps happening and everytime it does happen he always ask me what is he to say what is he to do and I feel like i shouldnt have to tell him how to console me! and I hate it cuz I hate crying its too much to do and too much emotion crying itself is too much. So My manager finally cames and asks me why am I there. I tell her I didnt kno I wasnt on the thing, so she looks at it and looks at me and tells me that I should've seen the schedule yesterday when I got my check. I never bother to look at the damn thing cuz when im n skool my schedule always stayed the same until now. Then she told me that nobody schedule is set in stone and that there running like a business and they blah blah blah other bullshit like that was the most bullshit I could honestly say I have ever heard!!! If my schedule has been the same for the past 3 year while i'm in skool what the fuck is different now!!! Ne other time me n troy always work the same days always now (just so happen im pregnant) my days drop? I do not understand what the hell she is talking about. So i cried cuz I was frustrated, I cried cuz I didnt express how I felt I cried because I couldnt say or express how I felt!!! I HATE CRYING!!!!!!!!! Like that is bullshit like no other! So after I cried and cried about my frustrations, I realized that I need to to stress over it!!! its done its over so just drop it no hard feelings I kno God has something better n store for me.
So the next bullshit somebody fed to me was the skool. So I went last week to the financial aid last week I asked the lady what happened to my money, she fed me this bullshit about how I still had the money I had to just wait a little... BULLSHIT as if I never seen it before. So April 1, I go and check my account summery and I see two big ass loans sitting there waiting for my approval. lol April fools on me, So the next day I go there and I ask the lady well what happened to my free money? she's like O i didnt qualify I didnt send the required forms in? WTF??? first off I dont kno where that scholarship came from, I dont kno what fucking papers they're talking about so I talked to her about the loans and she told me to just take what ever I needed and then she told me to take that stupid loan test and get 12 out of 15 (i got 14 out of 15 only cuz i misread the other one :)
So I took the test and now I have to wait for for the govt to send the skool my results (up to 5 businesses days) wait for them to to they stuff (ne where from 7-15 business days) but if they want they money soon they better do it n like 7 then after they take their money they will refund me the rest (which will take 7-14 business days) so all together I'm looking at a month before i see ne $$$$ but I have to b patient it might not b that long if they want they 888 dollars, so I'll just stay posted and keep on top of them cuz I want my money n they want theirs. so we're pretty much on the same page!!
So before I go I'm gonna go on a happy note, soon I will b posting that big/little blog saying if its a a boy or b a girl soon and I cant wait, another thing is that Troy finally felt the baby kick yesterday!! it was so amazing that he can finally feel and believe that its a baby there :)
I refuse to say Mia out so bye
In Response to MY Amazing Friends
First before I start, I know what your about to read may make me seem like an ass (certain parts) but its all love and I say it because I love you guys. This blog is really helping me realize why I became a psych major.
Troy
Lol...I loved your blog but I could have done without the ending but its all good. I'm happy that your opening up about your feelings and that you and mia are doing that class and that your trying to get shit together! I wish there was more to say but just accept my praise! lol
Mia
I don't think that you and troy are too young to get married. I'm extra happy that you guys are trying to do the damn think instead of the common black folk that I meet that have been engaged for like 17 years and have like 6 kids and still ain't tie the knot cause of this and that. I can feel you cause people think I am too young to marry Brittnie because of whatever and I just have to deal with that. Like I don't care what people think of our relationship cause it is what it is. And we are gonna work and make it and I know that you and Troy are the same way.
About the money thing, its just life babe. Like I never wanted to take out a student loan but you really don't need credit to take one out and if it comes down to it, that extra money could really come in handy. Like I know its the paying it back part that sucks but in 4 years when you graduate, you might have money like that. And even if you don't graduate {I will not yell at you if you decide its too much right now :D}, you will still have 6 months to start making money and the loan people work with you so keep your head up. Bring a baby into the world is hard when both parents go to school full time but you gotta remember that Troy is there to help you. Like I wish I could give you the money but I ain't got it like that but I would pawn my city ring for you (thats $450 dollars if you need it!)
Jassy
I'm a psych major and I can help you if you want it. I'm not going to tel you its all in your head because it's not. If you experience those kinds of things, you def don't have to go through it alone and if you don't have anyone believe you, I will.
Dezeray
lol...I loved your blog too! Your so horny fro no reason, go get a vibrator. It might not fulfill you like penis would, but it is STD free and will help you though these hard times. Furthermore, I'm happy that your financially stable {someone in the group had to be lol} but be careful not to spread yourself too thinly and spend all your money on drinks! lol. Finally, I think that you will get hired at the aquarium. Like Zack totally liked you and you already meet my other supervisior Scott that day that the women was wilding out for no reason and he thought you were cool peoples! Just focus on finishing school and get that A!!
Justin
I'm so happy that you want to come back to our country!!!! lol...I'm sorry that Hawaii didn't work out for you the way you would have liked it to but its a life lesson and now you can share with other people. Maybe one day you can talk to the seniors at city and tell them the benefits of staying close to home. Lol. When you feel pissed off, just keep the countdown in your head and don't let those phony people get to you cause you always have us and we are always down to get a chicken box and a half&half!
Finally, Myself
It's weird talking to myself. So I won't. Last night, Brittnie was mad at me cause she's really excited about marrying me and I just haven't been acting the same way. And it's not that I don't want to marry her, its just that no one really acts like their excited for me. Like I'm about to take one of the biggest steps in my life and commit myself to her forever and I know that she will always be there and that she will always take care of me and my child and everything. She really is offering the world to me and people think that cause we fight all the time that we're not gonna work out but its not even that. Just because I don't share all the sweet things that she does or prance around bragging doesn't mean that we don't have our happy moments. For example, she takes me out all the time for no reason but just because she loves me. Or when I was sick, she brought me food and even stayed with me and rubbed my tummy :D. Or that she got me the most perfect ring ever and that she really thought about what I wanted and not about if she could afford it. Also, she's willing to lose all her straight friends who think gay marriage is wrong, just to be with me!! and that means a lot to me. so for everyone who wasn't excited for me, FUCK YOU! I don't even fucking care cause the people that really matter are going to be there for me and I know that! What I don't need is all the hating and jealously and the bullshit! Like Justin said, you really know who's phony after a while and I know who has my back!
To everyone
I love you guys and I'm happy that you guys can say anything and do anything and I will always be here for you and I will always help you if you need it!
All For Now
Sanda Out
the lonely stoner seems to free his mind at night
Problems/ Things / Drama
I WANT TO FUCKING COME HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay so alot people think im crazy when i say stuff like that but im completely tired of being here. like i cant take it anymore! im tired of the people, the sun, the beach. im just tired of everything. Im tired of all the people here that think they know me and can tell me shit about myself and can try and help me solve my problems. Im tired of people who dont know shit about me beyond what i let them know telling me im lazy because i decide to skip a class that i have a fucking B+ to a fucking A in. Im tired of people not being able to except that im not always gonna be fucking hapy smiling Justin all the time, just like everyone else gets pissed off so can I. Like just leave me alone sometimes. Im tired of people trying to make me more like them, but seriously if i wanted to be a fucking cold emotionless person with no heart i would be one now i dont need you to try and make me a fucking jack-ass because thats not who i am. Im tired of having random ass mood swings. and ive come to the conclusion that it has to be Hawaii thats making me have them because when im back home i only get pissed for reasons here i will smile and then the next minute be ready to punch someone for saying thank you to me. Im just tired of being here.
and i think the main reason that i am is because of how much i miss from back home. Like i miss my fam so much. I miss my friends, my real friends the ones that know me with out me having to explain. the ones that can actually make me feel better bout stuff with out making me pissed off. The ones that i can talk to anything about. I miss the people in Baltimore because in the end of the day even the people in Baltimore that i hated, are at least real people i know what im getting with them, its not like that in here. everyone is fake everyone has an agenda. even the people that i thought where really cool here im slowly starting to see how hypocritical they are and its really starting to bother me. I just need to get out of here.
and so the countdown starts again i will leave this Fucking island in 47 days and counting
now dont get me wrong its not horrible here there are somethings and some people that im gonna miss but not enough for me to stay on this fucking rock any longer than i have to
47 days to go
Jay out
So I know it's been a while...
Yeah, yeah, yeah I got it. I posted a while ago. It's only because honestly, I've been too overwhelmed to do SHIT and I have some really deep things I need to get off of my chest.
1. Over the past few days I've been thinking about death. NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO DIE OR KILL MYSELF! ...I've just been thinking about it and dreaming about it. I've also been thinking a lot about heaven...and you know what, I'm no longer scared to die. Part of me even feels like in order for me to feel full at the end of my lifetime, I need to be in heaven. Before I scared shitless of dying and now it's something that I (not look forward to but) welcome...when it's my time of course. I won't know that until I actually do die. But don't worry. I'm not suicidal anymore. I have too much to live for to deal with that shit again.
2. I've cried EVERY FUCKING DAY these past few weeks and I don't know why. I guess it's just 10 years of emotion coming out, I don't know. A few days ago I was even thinking about quitting acting....WHAT!!!! ME QUIT ACTING? I KNOWW!!! I was that depressed. Fortunately, that's no longer an option but I just want to be cured from this anxiety. Sometimes I feel like starting over. I don't want to cry anymore!! NO MORE! I do it too much!
3. I believe I'm suffering from actue schizophrenia. Now don't sit and say to me "No you're not you just think you are" DON'T FUCKING SAY THAT CUZ I'M SICK OF THAT SHIT!!!! STOP IT NOW!!! If I have n intuition about something then just let me handle it and prove myself wrong. I mean hey, for all we know I could be...my biological grandmother was schizophrenic. I don't know how to make people understand how I think! No one knows the shit that I think about it....it's fucking scary....to deal with these thoughts. I can't control them, that's the scary part. I hallucinate, I exit my body sometimes, I've fucking paranoid as hell, I don't know what this is. I'm tired of being looked at as a crazy person sometimes. ...Honestly
Sorry to throw al of this serious shit on you but I needed to say it to someone.....It's funny how you can feel so alone in a world full of people...
ONCE AGAIN I WANT TO REITERATE I AM NEITHER HOMICIDAL, SUICIDAL, OR PSYCHOTIC! I'm just a normal teenager going through some things right now so don't judge me!!
....and I've also been really bitchy but that's another story...
sex+ heartburn+life = one streessful life
Well it hasn't been a while for me bloggin but it has been a while since I sat down and shared my feelings normally because I locked them away and forget about them.
so Lets start like this, I will respond to Troy's blog about our sex life. So it's not like we dont have sex at all let me clear that we do it but it just dont b as good as at used to b before I got pregnant. like Now all the postions I want to do and enjoy are all uncomfortable and it gives me heartburn (which sucks btw) like I want to have sex and do all the freaky things that he described but I just dont have the enengy to do it, like if we were to do all those things (which sound nice except the butt thing I've only dont that when I was drunk and i think I wont b able to do it again until i can get drunk again) But I believe in order to do that we need like a whole day or weekend to do so, cuz I just have too much going on like Melanie is going thru terrible 3's cuz she wasnt bad at 2 seems like now that she's 3 she wanna b a little diva or something idk what it is but its stressing me out and i feel like I wanna smack her n the back of then head and of i wasnt watchin so much CSI and knew i could cuz he like a brain injury i wouldve been done it but idk I really wanna please him and do all the things we used to do before but I just b so tired like ugh!!!!!!!!!!! bahh idk
so another thing I've been thinking an I finally (well almost) came to terms with is me not getting married yet like now as i think while i type I realize that once me and troy get a place and get established we probably get married after that but idk I just want a ring that will tell me that we will one day, like thats my biggest thing like I want the promise of it. like I always stress that I dont wanna b my mom age and never been married once. It hurts me to think that she'll probably die and never kno what its like and will probably die alone I dont wanna die alone. Like sleeping with troy is the best thing I've ever felt ever. He's there when I have a bad dream he's there when I need him and I just never felt so protected n my life. I never felt so loved. I just wanna idk like I feel like I dont have ne one to talk to cuz everybody is like ur only 19, ur only 19 but idk I feel like time is ticking and the world could b over ne day now and I wanna b married and right with the lord. so idk maybe it's just me cuz nobody seems to feel the way I feel everybody thinks im too young but idk maybe its cuz I have such an old soul and have done so much like idk I feel lost on this subject
Then skool.... ugh.... I really hate it. I'm afraid now cuz I dont think Im getting a refund which I wouldve used to handle a few things n then to save for the baby but idk if i'm getting it now if i dont get the money from this scholarship I owe the skool 888 and idk how the hell I can pay that like I def. dont have have that kind of money I have baby to save for a house to save for how the hell can I pay you 888 dollars? idk how I lost it or may have lost (its unsure for now the lady said I should still get it) like nuffin changed from last year so idk I need to sit around and find a scholarship that dont want my grades because those sucked last semester they really sucked so idk i'm just like ugh!!! I'm trying to to stress and leave it in gods hands but I went from one period having everything good to a period that I'm struggling really hard like looking at my money now I'm gonna b broke for the next 4-5 weeks and idk what to do im trying to stay positive but then again its really hard to like i shouldve had my money by now and if i dont get it I have to find some kinda loan to pay for it but no one's gonna give me the loan cuz I dont have credit, then I cant get credit cuz i never had ne so now i'm just stuck between a rock and a hard place like ugh.......... idk I dont kno what to do........
Well on a good note the baby kicks all the time I can't wait until monday when I can either find out what i'm having or find out when i can find out what im having I hope its a girl i really do but idk it'll probably b a boy but only time will tell
Having A Baby
yo....is having a baby like the in think to do?? or are people just stupid?! like in your case Mia and in jasmine's case, you guys are ready to be mothers and have it together and have a fucking support system but I feel like other people are just pregnant cause its the "in" thing to do!!! LIKE WTF!! bringing a child into the world is NOT a fad!! its a life long commitment and you can't just get rid of it!! its not like someone is going to yell April Fool's at he end of the day and everything will be back to normal!! UGH!! I hate dumb people!!