Cars

UGH!!! Car shopping is so hard!!! Like I want a car so bad, but can I afford one? like I want full coverage, but after buying a car will I be able to afford it? Probably not!!!!! Its SOOOOO stressful. I hate it!

So it's new years eve... what will 2010 bring me? So far 2009 is ending on a good note, so maybe that's a foreshadow of the good 2010 will bring me.

I'm going car shopping today! Hopefully I'll get one and if I do, you'll hear from me later.


until next time,


~Mia~

New Years Resolution

I have one new years resolution and one new years resolution only. And that is to be about the $$$. In 2009 I blew money and that was fun - buying rounds of drinks, buying a new laptop, little luxuries, spending 200$ on hair, etc. Thats nice but now is time to step out of the playpen. In 2010 its all about CASH. Assets, politics, money, and power. I dream about this stuff! Power is something I'm actually passionate about. I love power, I love having it, I love people with it, any kind of power I just love it. Thats how I know I would make a good lawyer.

I know how to tell people what they want. And I know I can convince people to see things my way <--- I do that all the time. I know what it takes to be influential. So like I need to apply all of that!

Step One AGGRESSIVE PAYS THE BILLS

When it comes to opportunities I typically have been very passive. I need to be more direct and not take the answer I dont want for an answer. The next time my grandmother says that she thinks its not really a good idea for me to get a job, I'm going to tell her I already decided to get one and she is going to like it. I don't care lol. If I want to go on a trip then I am going and I don't care what anyone has to say about it.

Bottom line, I can't be passive. I get this passivity from the way I was raised in my early years. But I know I have an aggressive streak. Today Bean asked me why I'm always yelling at them, and I snapped "because I get irritated easily". It was an offhand answer, but looking back it was pure honesty. I do get irritated all the time and I actually have an attitude problem but no one knows by the way I hide it. I learned how to just be nice and pleasant all the time but nice and pleasant isn't going to pay the bills.

Step Two BE WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES

I have to be commited and willing to get down and dirty. Like you know how I won't do something if it will inconvenience me. But I have to make sacrifices to get things. No more being squeamish. I'm making sacrifices. I'm going to drive if I have to, even (gag) catch the bus if I have to. I'm going to go to social events that I don't feel like going to if it will get me ahead. What if I need to be a stripper to support myself? Then I have to be prepared to do that. That was an extreme example but I'm saying I need to stop being a little prissy princess and roll up my sleeves and hop into the pig pen. If I'm going to be rich one day its going to take sacrifices. Matter of fact I'm going to watch the Players Club and learn all about true sacrifices.

So my new years resolution is?

World here I come! Give me your $$$ and all the nice things!

-Dez Out

Its time to Grow Up

So my title isn't about other people, it's about me. I was SOOOO proud of myself last night. Like normally, on nights like last night, I would've drunken everything in sight. I would've gotten high. I would've had sex with someone I just met. BUT I DIDN'T. I stopped when I wanted to and I sobered up by the end of the night and I think it's because I'm finally growing up!

For starters, I gave up my cup of vodka. VODKA! I usually down that shit but I didn't want to drink anymore so I stopped. Usually I drink to get drunk but I didn't. I drank what I wanted and stopped after that. Secondly, I refused to have sex with a guy I just met. Something I probably would've done if I was shitfaced. And it was because 1) he lied to me and told me he just wanted to chill. 2) HE WAS BEING HELLA CLINGY. He was acting like my damn boyfriend, trying to be all over protective. Like fuck you I just met you. I ain't your property! and 3) You know what he said to me when I said I wasn't going to have sex with him. He said:

"Well it's just hard, you know, being around Dezeray and Lisandra and not being able to hve sex with them"

So you're saying since they have a new friend you met you think I'M going to have sex with you. Urnnnnnn....WRONG! I'm not having sex with people I'm not in a relationship with anymore, fuck that shit!

Thirdly, I took care of one of my drunk friends (because I've been in that position before) and I felt obligated to do what I had to do. It felt good being the sober, mature one and not the shitfaced rowdy one like I usually am. I think I ca make a habit of this. Don't drink at all or drink before I get there and just get a little tipsy and let it wear off. I like myself better that way.

I've noticed this more mature Jasmine coming to light and I think I like what I see. Like I used to lead guys on even when I didn't like them. I mean, I did kiss him but I stopped because I knew I didn't like him and it was wrong so I told him upfront. Like I can't deal with guys like him. I need a guy that's gonna drink and be chill...not drink and be clingy and hella horny because a clingy guy is the BIGGEST turn off for me. So, buddy you lost your chance.

And Imma need mia to send me those pics HAHA

But until next time I have a break through..

Tata

Jizzface.

When in Rome

Do as the Romans do. I THINK NOT!!!!!!!!!

For starters, I am so proud of myself! I didn't get wasted, pissy drunk or and thing that would have me waking up regretting anything, or having to apologize for something! I think I did a wonderful job and I didn't fall under peer pressure. Like I have something to drink, don't get me wrong, but I knew when to stop, which makes me feel very mature and responsible.

As far as last night, it was crazy and I had a good time, but towards the end, it just got rediculous. Like honestly dez, it's not that we think you did something that you say you didn't. Its the fact that we couldn't find you. When was looking all over trying to find you saying that you was in the bathroom, when WE KNOW FOR A FACT that you wasn't. Like if you would've just said that, "hey I'm with such and such just give me a minute," we would have waited. But instead you chose to lie and say you was somewhere you wasn't scaring us because you wanted to be an out of control drunk. I see your little voice told you stop, but I think it wait until it was too late. But it's over, you don't remember, WE do. You live and you learn and that's it. I'm done talking about it.


On another note. It's sooo hard being a couple around your single friends. They do things that single people do. And me and Troy both admitted, that its hard to watch, because you see them having fun and stuff, and you can;t really because you don't wanna make the other mad. Like me personally I wouldn't get mad because I'm older now, and I realize that if we are meant to be we will. I trust Troy and if he wanna go and dance his life away, go see stripers or do whatever. But I know that he will bring that hard dick home to me. I'm feeling feel mature right now. Like I'm just feeling so on my own bullshit right now. Like after last night, I had fun like we where sober with drunk ass people and we had fun. But it made me realize a lot of things, that I'm my own person I am responible for me. I can control myself, and that makes me feel good. Like even though I was sooo pissed off last night (With Justin Throwing up in the back seat) I can out strong and that makes me happy.

NOW Justin throwing up in the back seat, that shit was rediculous!!! Like you dragged it across the whole back seat. Like how the hell you manage to do that? That shit was crazy. But I'm not gonna dwell on that. You had your moment too.


Until Next time,

Ownmygrownwoman,

~Mia~

Lindsay Lohan

I like her because no matter what I do, shes done worse! So whenever I have a night like last night its cool because hers was prob x10 as trashy lol.

Yesterday was my birthday and i basically went off. My friends treated me to the best birthday I ever had (honestly) just by being there and partying with me and even organizing transportation and whatnot. I got completely wasted/trashed/sauced/bent whatever, etc. I don't really know what I had but I was tossed lol, I just kept drinking straight until the voice in my head told me to stop because I was toasted enough.

Smh... where is that little voice in my head when I'm out of control though? I'm wild, confident and everything. The word is reckless. And I dont think I take the consequences as seriously as I should take them because the alcohol wears off and goes away but like the aftermath still lingers. Like for one I definitely disobeyed the Golden rule just for a few minutes of selfish self indulgence. And for two, everyone thinks I did something else that I didn't do because it looked sketchy. Thats 2 things that disappear in my world right after the moment is over but are still lingering around in the real world, and will probably take a while before everyone forgets (like I already have).

The thing is society's standards say I should have remorse, but I don't, so I end up feeling bad about not being bad.

I already know I have a problem with being selfish. I know I have a problem with being told I can't have something and then having it anyway. But I don't know what to do about it. Its like I cant help myself I just do what I want. But I have to learn that doing what I want can cause people to be mad at me or hurt other people. I swear I dont mean to make anyone mad or upset but its like I dont understand the concept of boundaries and rules and sometimes it seems like I just break rules just to break them. Why I keep being so rebellious, I have no idea. Its not just when I'm drunk, its just more pronounced when I'm drunk. But even normal me is always trying to rebel, break rules, prove that society cant hold me down, be different, etc etc. I really dont want to be so selfish because now I see how that's crud and how I could lose friends over it. So in 2010 im going to make an effort to try and be more considerate of other people.

-Dez Out

As of now

As of now, everything is actually good. Me and Troy are kinda good, we're not fussing as much. Everything has been kind of good. Even though he made me upset the other day cuz he wanted anal sex and I didn't so he went to sleep like in the middle of our sex and I'm tf? But it's ok, no need to fuss over it.

I am happy because Christmas is 3 days away. I can't wait to see Melanie's face on christmas! Caleb's too young to really notice but I kno Melanie will b happy!! I started wrapping the gifts last night. I had fun, unitl Caleb woke up wanting attention lol I couldn't wrap gifts and atend to him so after I got him happy again, I gave him to my mommy cuz she hasn't held him in a while cuz Melanie had pink eye.

I had fun yesterday!! Me and Dezeray and Lisandra all hung out with the children and shopped!! It was fun and Troy phone was cut off so no calling asking me what I was doing, not that he would but you know...

Well That's all for now... Caleb wants more attention



~Mia~

What to do when zombie's attack

ok so im watching Shaun of the Dead so i decided to write a blog about the things that u should always keep in ur house in the event of a zombie outbreak.

torches- zombies hate fire so you can use them to keep the zombies away. also most likely there wont be any power so ull need light at night time.

shotgun- ok just to start off any other type of gun is pretty much useless against them. with a shotgun u can blow them to pieces but just make sure that u have plenty of ammo.

machete- so i kno who the hell randomly has a machete around the house but if u do trust me u wont be sorry.

well as im thinking about it in the event of a zombie outbreak just about anything could be used as a weapon the key thing to remember is that zombies are stupid so they are easy to kill


HAVE ZOMBIE HUNTING

ill have a real blog coming soon

Jay Out

Guidance Please

I need to give the world insight into my mind. Right now, I’m in a state of confusion. School wise, life wise, everything. This princess is lost and scared and at a turning point.

First, school wise. Notre Dame is bs. Honestly, like I rarely went to my gen ed classes and still have a 3.25 GPA and did great in all my classes. That means that my teachers ain’t grade shit and didn’t take attendance. I think I’m too smart for that school and may need to transfer. I know my degree can take me places but as time goes on, I rarely want to go. I would rather spend my time working or sleeping or just hanging out. I know that sounds bad but I do not like that school. And then apparently I owe them $1500 for last semester. Where am I suppose to pull that from? How bout they give me back the scholarship they took away cause I made too much money. The only reason I work every fucking weekend and all summer is to pay their high ass tuition! But those bitches get mad when I wanna transfer to Morgan! At least I know they would give me serious money! Lol

This brings me to my second point, Money. Everyone needs it and I wish I had it. I owe about $7000 in credit card bills. And it’s because I used them to pay my high ass tuition and pay for those expensive ass books. And to put gas in my car, of course. Now I’m paying them down as fast as I can but idk what I’m going to do this spring. I ain’t got and Amex ain’t giving me anymore. In addition to that, my mom ain’t got it and if she do, she ain’t giving. Notre Dame will only let me file as a dependent and they insist that I ask my provider to cosign my parent plus loan but she ain’t having that. So now what?? They advise a baby. Excuse me? The answer to my money problems is a child? Apparently, the government would love it. With a child, I can file independently, get a tax credit, get food stamps and many more!! (Ain’t it ironic that a catholic school would advise a single 19 year old to become pregnant?)

Third, my damn mother! I love her to death but she is losing her mind. She is forgetful and in pain all the time. Plus she refused to go to the doctor. Like she forgets when I tell her things and when I give her money and its to the point where I have her signing receipts. I’m happy that she wants to be independent but its getting too much for her and I am worried. I love my mommy and she’s all I have and I have no idea what I would do if I was left to take care of bad ass dennis all by myself! Ugh! So I need to handle her and get her an appointment when I make mines!!

Finally, I don’t know what to do with my life NOW! Like I want to make more money and be with this boy I’m dating. However, making the amount of cash I want either involved stripping or drugs. With stripping, I’m putting my life at danger and I don’t want to do that. However, drugs involve spending long hours with Mr. G and I want to avoid him! UGH!!! Why is life so damn complicated! I wish an angel would come down and swoop me up in the clouds and never let me down!

ConfusedAsHell

Sanda Out

Looking like Damn!

Dear Past Love,

It was fun while it lasted but now I have to move on. Yea, I knew she was wifey and I honestly didn’t care cause I was still number one, or so I thought. Honestly, I don’t even care what title you give me cause I don’t want it. I’ve deleted the 20 numbers I can reach you at and am tempted to delete you from my facebook and myspace. I love you and may even be in love with you but you don’t feel the same and I’m sure you lied to me! You looked me dead in my face and told me you ain’t have a girl and I’m 99% you were lying. Or maybe you weren’t and you really didn’t have a girl that week but I don’t care now. I’m moving on. Bye. This love affair started way back when we was kids but we grown now and one of us needs to be the mature one. (As usual, that’s me.) I think your feelings were true because for a while, you did change and got your shit together but at the end of the day, your still you. Your still an asshole, stupid, wanna be thug! You think your so gantsa and whatever else but that ain’t even what I want. I want someone with schooling and class and a fucking job! And what pisses me off is that I thought it was funny when you said shit like I got money. Ha! I don’t want nor need your dirty drug money!! Maybe its good enough for her but I deserve better and you know it! YOU FUCKING KNOW IT!!! The only problem is your greedy and wanted to have both your cake and eat it too. Too bad I found out, huh? Actually, I’m happy that I didn’t give you my virginity. Who knows? You probably wanted to get me pregnant so I would be stuck with you forever. Actually, I know that was your plan and I almost, ALMOST, fell for it! But I’m smart baby. Not just straight As, 4.0 smart but street smart. I know the game and I play it better than you. Don’t call me and don’t try to apologize cause I don’t care. Unless that apology comes with a white gold engagement ring, which I can take and pawn lol.

See I want real love, “not that thug love”, “that’s my baby mama love”, “that’s my wifey love”, but real fucking love! That Love and Basketball love!! That I would never hurt you and I’m sorry it took so long to find you love. That sweep you off your feet, can’t sleep without you love. I want to need to hear your voice in order to be complete. I want the type of love that knows exactly what’s wrong! I want the type of love that you see in old black and white movies on AMC! Can you give me that? Naw, shortie, you can’t. Cause see in order to give me that you need to love yourself first and I know you don’t. So you gonna start seeing me with this dude or another, and you gonna get mad but you have no one to blame but yourself. Sorry babe, but I can’t do this anymore. It really hurts but I need you to know.

MovingOnToBiggerThings

Sanda Out

Dear Love,

Why aren't you in my life anymore love? I've miss you so. I've miss how you used to care how I felt, and made sure I was safe. Love I miss you. I miss how no matter what was going on in my life, you was there. You where the one I could lean on. Now when my nights seem the darkest, you're the one pulling the plug. Whatever happened to us love? We use to be 2 peas in a pod, now we seem like we're not even in the same planet. I miss you you made me feel love... I miss how it was me and you against the world. I just miss you is all love.

I miss how you made love to me love. How you were so gentle with me, rough just at the right time. It was like you knew what my insides wanted, love where did that go? Where did the one I fell in love with go? Why did he leave me love? why did he leave and in his place leave someone that could careless? Love I want my love back love! I want the one who cared for me! The one who showered me with unconditional love, not words that cut deep and hurt like a razor. Love I want my old love back! The one who cares for me unconditionally! I want him back! I want my old Troy back. I want him back before it's too late love! Before he's gone forever and what's left is this! This poor excuse for a relationship! This constant love hate that we're going through! I miss my old Troy! I miss the one who didn't make me cry or hurt my feelings. I try love, I really do! Try to be nice and forget about yesterday but it seems that as soon as opportunity knocks he criticize me. And it makes me feel horrible!

Love, I want my man back! I want the one who cherished me and I cherished him. I want the one who trusted me back. I want the one who I trusted back! I want things to go back to the way they where when we were in love and not doing this silly tit for tat. I want him back love, can you do that for me? Can you give me back the love of my life, the one that would take on the world for me. The one that would give me a shoulder to cry on... Can you do that love, can you give him back? I miss him so much and I want to be held in his arms again! For me love? I've always believe in you even when things failed, I knew you was always looking out for me always reminding me that True love isn't for the birds, True love is for me and I know I found it, just help guide him love. Guide him into my arms! Tell him where his hurt belongs! tell him it belongs with me love.


With love,
Mia

Art & Style

I got curious and ran through some of my hair thats not braided with a flat iron lol. Then I held it in place and took a picture in the mirror so I could see how far down my back it would go.

Lol I look double jointed

I was thinking about style and how I might wear it in ~4 months when I take it out. It grew out a lot longer than I expected but when I finally get a perm and a trim its gonna be shorter. I don't care if it gets cut up to shoulder-length as long as its full and healthy and DYED.

:D <-- cause I'm so sick of plain brown hair lol it either gonna be bright red or jet black.

Also here is some frames I want for when I wear glasses.

I also need to get a leather jacket. My grandmother called me today and said she was buying me a coat ... but thats not a leather jacket so if I come home with a leather jacket she would make me take it back lol. So Ima get a pea coat cause I don't have one yet.

Oh yeah and I've been feeling inspired lately so I'm going to start writing again over the break. Hopefully I can produce some pretty good material! I mean my best material was written when I was sheltered and had no social life cause I was stuck at home all day. Over the break I'm going to be equally as sheltered and equally as stuck at home (except for going out on my birthday) so I should be able to write something good!! Also I had a tough semester so that struggle revived my artistic side a little. Not enough to draw yet though. I dunno the best art comes out of the darkest places and I haven't been emo in so long that I forgot what it feels like to be in despair and then draw a picture where the pain bleeds through. lol

Dez Out

Why College

I just want to go out in the world and just start taking what I want, deep down. I just feel this urge to go out in the world and GET! I want to get money $$$$, get experience, get to network with bosses and go after what I really want.

I feel like the girl Kanye West was singing about when he said

"Now, tell me that aint insecure

The concept of school seemed so secure

Went 4 or 3 years aint picked a career"

Like college is fine and all but I want to use it as a stepping stone to get ahead in life and not just a thing to do just to be doing. I started looking for a part time job but then my grandmother found out! And she and I had a talk and she really wants me to be content with going to college and getting an education for now. She's like I have my whole life to work. I agree, I do have my whole life to work but I want to start now! This is the same dead end I reached when I wanted a part time job in high school. Now that I'm in college its the same story. Its like everyone wants me to get this magic degree but they want that to be my only focus in life. What am I, some robot designed to be an education machine? Well I got news for you I want to do other things. Of course I want an education but I see it as a supplement to the main thing which is pursuing my dreams. I like other things too like drawing anime, doing gymnastics, and writing stories, and especially dancing! I'm SO tired of not exploring my other interests!!

I feel like it would have been nice to feel like I contributed to buying my first car, you know. It would be nice to look at it and be like I had to sacrifice x,y, and z to get it. I understand that my grandmother is retired and knows best and I should listen to her and she just wants to take care of me - but it's to the point where I can't even focus in school anymore cause it seems like its not getting me anywhere. And like i keep finding things to give me an adrenaline rush like skipping school, getting pierced, and substance abuse and I feel like if I had things to do like at a job I wouldn't be dying to express myself in those ways.

I mean dont get me wrong I dont mind bumming out, drinking, and partying but at least I recognize that I should earn it lol. I want to be able to support my own lifestyle eventually because right now everyone pays for my lifestyle BUT me. Honestly I dont even care about the $$$ i can be in super debt if I have to but I want to be famous. Actually I'm dying to be famous. I crave power, and I want so badly to take the world and choke it until it coughs up money and power AND FAME!! Even if that means waitressing!!

Dez Out

I don't understand

One Thing I'll never understand is how u say I dont do anything for you. But what I don't understand is how you can sit there and say I don't do shit and you do so much, but what exactly do you do? Yea you make money yea you take care of me money wise, but honestly... what else do you do. You complain about what I don't do, I don't massage you, I don't give you sex more often, but why should I? why should I have sex with you when I have so much yo do, you say I'm on my phone all day but I still get work done. I still make sure my kids are taken care of while you worry about you. You work and then go to school and then come home and play ninja wars and thats it. You claim you always got the baby, but do u really? do u bathe him? do you wash his clothes? do You make his bottles? No... I'm tired of you saying that you ain't want him, you just went along with me. And I wonder why Caleb is always crying with you, he can sense that you don't want him.

It's so funny, cuz I thought I finally met the right one, the one that would be different from everybody else, the diamond in the rough. But in the end you turned out just like the rest. But it's ok, it's cool.

I just can't help but feel, stupid. Like I can't believe that I did it again. I can't believe that I keep changing myself for these guys and then it turns into this. Like, you tell me to depend on you and when I do this is what happens? I am so angry, because I feel so betrayed!!!!!!! How dare you say you don't think we belong together!!! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU LIKE I AM JUST SO HURT RIGHT NOW I CAN'T EVEN FINISH THIS FUCKING BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so done with this situation! I'm so done with him, like fuck this I got too much to worry about instead fooling wit his ass

Response to Mia

I can't read that and not want to respond. Because it was so much about insecurity about your body. And I just want to scream that there is no such thing as a perfect body! It's all an illusion - its a multimillion $$$ industry. They (the commercials and companies) are doing whatever it takes to make us believe we'll look better if we cut and snip this or that, buy this product, etc. But what you have to realize is that every body type is beautiful and you just have to own it. I can totally relate to everything your writing about 100% because I have always feel inadequately endowed. I always struggled with my body type. I would have killed for some curves. I felt like I was flat everywhere and I was just some toothpick.

One thing you have to do Mia is look at others with your body type for inspiration. I used to look up to like Chessika, Lil Kim body types which failed because it made me feel inadequate. I changed that by googling skinny celebrities and reading how much their fans loved them. I discovered that even Keri Hilson with her flat chested self is considered super sexy. Thats why when we brought up the rihanna thing I was gushing about how hot she was. Its because shes one of my role models, I like her smaller sized boobs because they make me feel good about myself. I praised her because i felt like i was built like her. Of course hers arent perfect, if anything big double D's are perfect but instead of wasting my time looking up to something I don't have I need to see the good qualities in what I do have. I have freaking adolescent breasts for crying out loud. But i dont care because I'm into that now lol.

You can be beautiful and stick straight, you can be beautiful and voluptuous, you can even be beautiful and 600 lbs!! I bet that fat ass cow we posted on Skype with the caption "jelly in the trunk" is married and has kids and money and is beautiful to the people in her life that are close to her. Thats because beauty is like 10% looks and 90% confidence. Its really a state of mind. Its a shame because I look at you and see how your funny and original and fun to be around. You being a vibrant person just highlights all your good physical traits like your pretty face and big expressive almond shaped eyes and a guy would notice you have big boobs and a big butt and sexy hips. Like one thing I noticed is I don't look at people's imperfections unless they point them out. You have to stop whining about your "stretch marks" and whatnot because no one sees them except for during the moment your complaining about them.

Think about it this way. Your a guy. There's this hot girl at your school. She's skinny, has barely there curves - probably an A cup. She likes wearing funny t shirts and listens to music in class. She wears mascara and black eyeliner as far as makeup, and has a cute little face with the cutest pair of lips you ever saw, and if you look close enough you can see a tiny stud in her nose. She seems like a free spirit and a little crazy but in a good way.

You go to your next class and a new student sits next to you. She's sexy, has at least DD's and a pair of hips to match. Flip flops and tank tops seem to be her favorite things to wear. She's always smiling when you see her. She rarely wears makeup and has this fresh and clean look about her. She has the biggest most expressive brown eyes that could seduce you from across the room. Her baby face comes off as angelic but you know its more behind that.

See how both the old student and the new student are totally hot but they are different. And thats not me and you or anything just two hypothetical hot girls ;)

Anyway my point is I can relate, and i want you to know your body type is perfect. you just need to always give off that sexy air and everyone will follow cause you really are gorgeous and I want you to let it radiate.

I am so fucking tired!!

Okay, so let me begin. I am so tired of Troy's lazy ass. He doesn't clean, he doesn't pick up after his self, he doesn't do shit! It's starting to wear on my last nerve. My room is a fucking mess, I'm trying to clean up upstairs so we can clean up down here and move upstairs, but he is no help! He's always tired, always sleeping, always sore. He's always something and I'm getting tired of it. Yeah, he's a nice provider, when it come to money or driving somewhere, he's there for me. But when it comes to helping me out with something like cleaning he don't do it. He's always passing the buck onto somebody else. It's not my fault, and I feel like I am going crazy. In the morning he can never get the baby ready for me, he never wants to get up, he never wants to do anything. I can nerve even get him to wake the fuck up!! I am just so fucking tired of it!! I'm always on the go, always doing X,Y,& Z I hardly ever get a day to myself, just to relax and sleep, I'm always doing homework, cleaning, making bottles doing something that isn't just time for me. It's crazy and I'm tired of fussing about it, I'm tired of doing everything on my own plus going to school. I feel like I have 3 kids not 2.

But on the rare moments I do I masturbate. I have embraced it, I love it and I am no longer ashamed. Or only doing it when I'm desperate. I do it when I have time to myself. I'm tired of waiting on troy to please me, I am gonna do it myself and I do a good job at it. He's always bitching about me not cumming always being discouraged, but I'm like Troy, if you actually put forth the effort to please me or turn me on, you'll get results, I'm not gonna force myself to be turned on, I'm tired of me having to warm me up, or having sex cuz he wants to, I'm done, if he's horny and I'm not oh well... I want to be romanced, I want to be treated like a princess, I want to be just ugh more than just suck my dick and hop on it. I'm tired of that its getting boring it's getting redundant. I'm tired of the everyday fucking shit our sex life had become.

Another thing that I am tired of is being shaped like me. I feel fat, I feel ugly, I feel like i need to have a complete make over. All my friends are small, and I'm like the biggest one. All my friends have small unawkard boobs, no kids, pretty faces, just everything I'm not. I wanna go out with them, but I feel out of place sometimes, cuz they're all small and I'm huge. I feel like if we went out I would be cast the ugly fat one and get not even get the time of day from other ppl. they all have ppl on their heels. Ppl wanting to talk to them, and everything I feel that I'm no longer attractive. I feel big and out of place. I love my friends to death, but I'm just not on the same caliber as them. I don't feel as smart as them, I don't feel as pretty. I just feel just I can't even describe. Like I'm really good at hiding it, but one of my friends said something today that made me feel very insecure was when we was looking at Rihianna nude picks, and she said a friend of hers breast look just like Rihianna's perfect. And I'm looking that this pic like my boobs don't look like that, mines are bigger, my stomach don't look like that I don't look anything like perfection. I have stretch marks all over,I feel ugly and unattractive. That just made me feel even worst. I'm not all that attractive, nobody really even thinks about giving me the time of day not even my bf. It makes me mad. Ugh... I hate it sometimes I just wanna lay in the bed and sleep my life away. I wish I was pretty I wish I was shaped like My friends, and not all round and bulky.

Sometimes I think that if I wasn't so afraid of dying I would've been killed myself. I hate my body, I always hated it. I'm not happy with it in the least bit. I don't even like showing it to Troy. I feel like the fat friend, the one everyone befriends cuz they feel sry for her cuz she's fat.

If I ever get some money, serious money, I am gonna pay to change this. I am gonna get the perfect boobs that I don't even have to wear a bra to keep them up. Get a small frame, just the right curves so I'll fit in more with my friends, and not feel so out of place.

I never loved my body. I've always been bigger and bulky shaped. Not flat and smooth like them... I wish my body wasn't so ugly.....

Unhappy && Tired

~Mia~

Nuvaring-(and Prozac)-Free!

Friday was my last day on Nuvaring! So far I've had a pretty stable mood - I didn't wake up depressed or angry or get hyper or anything. I know I've been acting bipolar as hell for months now and it could just be growing pains but I honestly believe the steady dose of hormones had something to do with it. I mean i feel like if it were the transition, then I would have been having these crazy mood swings freshman year, not sophomore year. I mean, I'm not sure, but I really really think that the culprit is the birth control hormones. Think about it, when a woman is pregnant or going through menopause, she always has crazy mood swings and everyone knows to stay out of her way. And PMS, too, you know to avoid a girl whose PMSing. Well getting a steady dose of hormones from Nuvaring is like always PMSing!! Like its no way to describe it other than a roller coaster of emotions and really intense ones. I remember the one moment during the summer when I woke up, looked at the clock and burst into tears, cried myself back to sleep and woke up happy. I was so confused. This whole semester I haven't been myself. If I were a doctor, I would definitely do research about what the heck hormones have to do with emotions. Like do they decrease seratonin levels or something? Like how much of your mood can really be altered with pharmaceuticals? Its so interesting how there are medicines like antidepressants that are supposed to make you happy (prozac), medicines like adderol that are supposed to make you focus, and medicines like hormones that affect your mood.

Anyway the only research I can do now is on the internet or in a library, or by asking a doctor questions lol. Maybe one day I could do actual hands on research into this stuff, especially since my field of study is about global health and health systems and etc. I could do my senior project on like, the effect of Planned Parenthood on Baltimore or something. Who knows hopefully I can turn this experience into something positive.

Anyway now its on to the next one, I'm going to try yet another pill. Maybe seasonale, or yasmin. I'm going to look into the ones that have good reviews. However for anyone considering Nuvaring I definitely recommend it. It's just not the right one for me. No matter what type you are with, I just wish I could tell everyone to please please please:

• WATCH out for signs of mood change or depression or whatever. Its very subtle and you would probably just think you are stressed or whatever. You and people around you are likely to attribute it to things like school, work, or family. Even if you go to your doctor and say you are depressed, they probably would overlook the fact that your taking hormones and just have you see a psychologist who will tell you its your life. Just pay attention because mood swings and depression are an ACTUAL side effect (yes, its listed on the wrapper) and if you notice it you should switch brands. You would switch brands if you started breaking out or were spotting, so you should switch brands if its affecting your mental health too.

Dez Out

When I get angry....

When I get angry, I get a very hard pulsating feeling in my clit. I am angry right now. Like I am going through some things now, that I can't really get into on this blog, but I have an alternate way of getting it out. I wanted to blog, but I can't even blog really.

So, I'm gonna kinda start rambling....

So I've kinda been on a skype strike cuz after i got into skype here comes troy getting one too (which isn't bad) but he tried to say he cant wait until i get my usb for my laptop so I cant get off his and that kinda hurt my feelings like he's saying I'm hogging his computer. he only uses his computer to look at porn anyway.

Melanie is always whining... it gets on my nerves like always whining i think she whines and cries more then she talks. and what pisses me off most is that she don't do it in school she only does it home. It pisses me off to the highest level of pisstivity.

I am so tired, like all I wanna do is sleep! Sleep and sleep and sleep some more, like idk why I'm so tired I just am... everybody annoys me and nothing really makes me happy for a long time, all i wanna do is sleep. I don't wanna say I'm depressed or anything, I'm just tired...

My mother is getting on my nerves too, I realize i don't know how to handle my emotions cause she don't know how to handle hers either. Every time Melanie does something that makes her mad, she starts she starts screaming and fussing like the world is over and every time i tell her about it she starts going off on me. Like I'm tired of being here, I am tired of being broke, I am just plain ol tired of everything...

All I really wanna do is lay under the covers and sleep :(

I don't have much more to say so... I'm out

~Mia~

I used to have everything

What happened?

I used to have ambition, passion, intellect, charisma, everything.

I used to be so close to so many people. I used to run with the world, eat sleep and breathe motivation and drive. I used to be your typical Type A overachiever who wouldnt settle for anything less than perfection. I used to get excited about everything and always want to be involved. I used to be the energy of the group. I used to be the brightest crayon in the box. More kids looked up to me than I knew what to do with. Now I feel like all these valuable traits that made me special are all gone. Like it was once solid, but something turned it into sand slipping through my fingers. Literally i look around at my life and it feels like its in a bunch of little broken pieces. The past is all mixed up with the present and I can't find the future anywhere.

I'm having symbolic dreams and I keep playing dumb like I dunno what they mean but I do. They mean I lost my identity. The dreams keep getting worse and worse and more and more vivid.

It feels like I'm at the wrong place in the wrong time of my life. Like I'm completely out of sync with the world. Its so frustrating because its just this nagging feeling that something went out of place and its messing with how things are supposed to be now kind of like the butterfly effect? I cant express the feeling but its the worst in the world. Like I'm not supposed to be here. Not here as in here on earth, but here as in where I am at this point in time. Something feels wrong. I feel like I'm not matched up with myself or something like really its no way to describe it.

What I want more than anything is to go back and be that girl from high school again. Vibrant and carefree, crazy, exciting, lots of friends. Now all i want to do is sleep and I don't ever feel like doing anything involving people and I hate everything and everyone.

The best way to describe it is like a feeling of deep confusion mixed with depression mixed with helplessness. I just really don't know the root of it. I don't know if I hate class because I'm depressed or if I'm depressed because I hate class. Its so frustrating. Every morning I wake up I wish I were still asleep. I feel like I lost something central to who I am somehow. I dunno. I hate it. The only thing that works is escaping. But lately its been getting harder and harder to escape: alcohol, the internet, tv, they all dont work like they used to.

Its like a deep dark black hole that keeps growing and won't go away until I deal with it except I don't know how. I hate this dark side its like its chasing me. I have this imminent feeling of doom because whenever I try to envision myself in 5 years and I can't see anything. I feel like the peak of my life was that happy period in high school when everything was so perfect and I didn't have the pressures of the world on my shoulders. I hate the job market I hate having to meet new people I hate getting an education I hate building credit I hate everything!!!! I dont care who tells me I need to get over it I can't get over it now I'm depressed and people are gonna tell me is nothing I can do about it I have to move on and try to fucking pretend like I like being an adult?? Actually it is something I can do I can just refuse to do any of it. I can refuse to go to school or work or talk to people or what the fuck ever I don't even have to live your meaningless definition of a life in the first place.

I think I'm going to stop birth control this week because I heard they cause mood swings, and I don't know whether I feel depressed because of a chemical imbalance or whether I feel depressed because the weight of the world is suffocating me.

This Bitch!

look I'm bout tired of her dumbass shit! she is just acting like a fool! First of all, don't be mad cause I got dick and liked it! GET THE FUCK OVER IT! I want to be with Eric and I intend to be with him! you would think you were so mature Brittnie but I know that your not! like you have really pissed me off to an extreme! You wanted me to be fucking happy and now that I am, you want to rain on my damn parade!! WELL FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My parade is like the Macy's thanksgiving day parade!!!! It will always keep going no matter what the weather and it will always be great! I know that you love me and want to be with me but I'm sorry, that ain't happening! its not cause I don't like girls (I LOVE MIA!!!) but its cause you as a person are toxic! You get mad when other females cause you rude or a bitch or anything else but its how you act! you think that the world revolves around out and that we are all suppose to just put up with it but that ain't happening....sorry. Furthermore, you will not tell me who I can and can not be friends with ma'am! If your fucking family loves me, get over it! I know I am a lovable person!! That's how I know its you fucking all the shit up! if it was me, no one would like me and people wouldn't want to be with me! but they do like me and they do want to be with me so IT'S YOU!! get it together before you ever come at me again!

PissOff

Sandra Out