Adam and Eve

So according to the Bible, adam and eve were put in this blissful, perfect garden called the Garden of Even and they had perfect lives. It was no disease or anything and they were perfectly happy. However, they only had one direction: not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge or the Tree of Life. They already had everything they needed to be perfectly happy. The book of genesis goes on to say that curosity got the better of Eve (she was influenced by the serpent which was Satin) and she ate an apple from the Tree of Knowledge. Then she shared it with Adam. After this, they gained knowledge that we have today. They instantly learned about wearing clothes, shame, and everything. When God saw that they had went to this forbidden tree he punished them by creating all the bad things in the world including pain for childbirth and things like bad weather (because the Garden was perfect). Also he sealed off the tree of life so no one could ever get to it.

Ignorance is bliss. Knowledge is power. These are two phrases constantly quoted and I'm sure other languages have their equivalent. Adam and Eve were in bliss, but they were also ignorant. They didnt wear clothes because they didnt know what wearing clothes was like. They didn't kill and eat animals because they didn't know what meat tasted like. They weren't territorial because they didn't know what it was like to own. So were they missing out by not eating from the tree of knowledge? Of course they were definitely missing out! They were happy but it was because they didn't know any better. Now the real argument is whether or not it is better to give up bliss (which come with ignorance) for knowledge (which comes at a price). Are you ready to deal with the price? Are you willing to devote the rest of your life to dealing with the consquences? Like humankind is spending its entire existence developing vaccines, working to protect ourselves from the elements, working to stop crime, etc.

My answer is of course I am!!

So for anyone who wants to know why i pretty much do what I want, thats part of my reasoning. This is why I'm whatev about decisions, and pretty apathetic over things that everyone thinks are a big deal. I know I'm probably going to have to pay a price for anything I do but I accept that willingly. I just do what I want now, and deal with it later. I know it isn't a good way for everyone to live but it fits me. It hurts me when people make one mistake and then make revelations like "I'm going to stop drinking" or "I'm going to give up playing guitar because it distracts me from school.". Like i dont see why people make these unrelated new rules for themselves over one misstep? If you fail a test oh well now you have to deal with it. Giving up guitar is not going to compensate for your failed test. You just deal with the failed test. If playing the guitar makes you happy don't get rid of it because you failed a test! Do you think making yourself suffer is going to like generate karma or something to make you pass the test? You already failed it! Go play your guitar and feel better about it and dont think about it until the next test comes. And my favorite **SARCASM** thing to hear is "I messed up and now I'm going to give up alcohol". I'm not talking directly to you Lisandra but just in general. Giving up alcohol doesnt fix the past. If you want to give up alcohol do it because you feel like giving it up, not because you want to fix some past situation. Anything you do, any decision you make, any risk you take should be because you want to do it. I'll be damned if I'm 50 and I find myself thinking damn i should have taken that chance when i was 18.

This blog started because Lisandra failgirl self told me "ugh! sex complicates things" and I thought about how duh! sure you might be happy before you have sex, but its because you have no choice but to. But once you open that door you've basically agreed to take the risk either it could turn out great or not so great. Risks like those are the true essence of life because we as humans can do what we want and we might as well because this ain't the garden of even.

-Dez Out

Porn rots your brain

I honestly feel like porn rots your brain. Troy watches porn in phases. He used to watch it all the time but now he only watches it when he's really horny and for some reason I guess I'm not doing it for him.

It kinda hurts my feelings tho because he's always putting it out there or always suggesting that he wants oral or anal all the time and it makes me feel like my pussy ain't shit.

I don't mind oral I don't mind it at all but it seems to me that troy is obsessed with it. He's always telling me to suck it and even tho its a jk manner most ppl say how they're feeling in a jk so the other person wont get mad. It's like all the time all I feel like he wants is for me to suck his dick!!!!! I told him b4 I hate doing it when he asks but it seems like that went out the window and he asks ne way!!!!

Then its the whole anal thing... I think its gay I think its a gay underlining thing for guys to wanna fuck a girl in the ass. He always putting it out there that he wants that too he always makes bets where if he wins he gets anal, or cums in my mouth just stuff that I don't do cuz I have my reasons.

It all hurts my feeling cuz he makes me feel like I am not a good lover. He always want to do those things those porn stars do. All rough and painful.. I feel like porn gives guys unrealistic hopes that girls will do that. I used to all that kinda stuff hang in there for stuff that felt good to him and not me and things that were just plan painful but I cant ne more we only have a small time frame to have sex and I don't wanna waste it on sex that don't feel good. So pardon me if it seems like I'm only worrying about myself.

I have to admit now that I have been very depressed lately. I don't eat I don't wanna eat and I sleep whenever I can cuz I'm sad.

I'm sad cuz I'm bleeding
I'm sad cuz I'm fat
I'm sad cuz I don't have ne fun
I'm sad cuz I don't have ne money
I'm sad cuz my mother is not supportive of me
I'm sad cuz I won't be able to do Christmas like i did last year
I'M JUST PLAIN OLD SAD!!!!

I just feel like I'm in a bind and I'm not getting out of it in the near future. I'm like flat broke as soon as I get money its gone, its like completely gone.

I feel like if I had my usual scapegoat I wouldn't feel this way or I'd continue to ignore everything but when something is wrong with my sex life everything that I normally hide from resurfaces and makes me feel bad. I think I need to take a break from sex and not treat it like a bath and do it daily but treated as scared and do it when it's deserved. Because for the past 7 years I've been using sex to hide my problems. I use to sex to keep my bf's around. I used sex to get back at bf's. I've been hiding behind sex for too long and I feel like I need to face my problems head on and deal with them. I'm sure this will be a long process but I think I need to do this cuz I need to learn to deal with my problems not ignore them.

So let me start at the beginning about how I'm sad about me bleeding. NO ONE WANTS TO BLEED EVERYDAY FOR WEEKS AT A TIME!!!!! Point Blank

I'm sad that I'm fat like I avoid looking in the mirror because I know I'm not gonna like what I am gonna see. I have rolls in my front and rolls in my back. I've always had a gut I don't mind that really but back rolls? Like I feel like I've become the fat chick of my group.

I don't have any fun. I feel like me not driving and me not having my license is a part in it too. So once I get my license I get take the kids and go out and not have to wait on ppl or have to follow ppl rules...
I just have to get lots of practice and driving so I can get my license.

I don't have any money simply because I ha vent bounced back from missing 2 months of work from having Caleb

Before I get into My mother I'll talk about Christmas. Last year I spent so much money on everybody!!!!! This year I wont have no where near that much money. I have to start saving as of next pay and get ready for Christmas so that means I wont have any leisure money until prob tax time or when the settlement comes thru hopefully it'll be soon but it won't be.

Ok so now to my mother. She is not supportive of me. When I tell her about medix she's always to bring up that I shouldve stayed at Coppin. It makes me feel so bad because I feel like I don't measure up to something. I feel like she's always indirectly putting me down. It makes me feel worthless and unworthy.

That's all the things that I'm sad about and I am gonna try not to be sad about them but face them head on. I know it'll be hard, and I know I'll probably cry but I will face them. because I am slowly realizing that nobody gonna be more proud of me than me so I will be my own biggest fan and I don't need nobody else to do it for me. Not my mother, not Troy not any body. So I just be my biggest fan, and keep it moving.

Turning a new leaf

~Mia~

ps this is the 100 posted blog to 2009 yay!!!

I Need To Chill

I was about to post some real cruddy shit but I need to just sit back and think. Real talk, shit got way to out of control for no reason at all. Like right now, I'm so mad that I want to cry but its not even all that. Like before all this shit we was mad cool and then dumbass alcohol and weed messed shit up, but I guess thats why weed is illegal and the drinking age is 21. Like just thinking back on these past couple months, I really have been acting reckless. Before I was innocent and I had shit planned out and lately, I've just been going with the flow but that def needs to stop. I need to put a check on myself. I am officially giving up alcohol (maybe weed lol).

In terms of him, I really am sorry if I hurt his pride. I honestly mean that. Like what I just did was hella petty but I was angry. Honestly, I think I only had sex as pay back for a pervious act that I was still slightly heated over. Like I know I kept saying I was ok with it but clearly I wasn't. Anyway, you were a good friend when you were sober and who knows? we might still have been friends if you had stopped drinking.

Anyway, I know there are people who read this blog and normally see me being a bitch or acting cruddy but I am not like that. I only blog when I am angry as a way to vent. It is rare that I blog just because. So just know that I really am a sensitive person and the way I am feeling right now proves it even when I don't want to accept it. If I could take it back, I would but I can't so now I have to move on.

WipeTheTearBeforeItFalls

Peace Sandra

I'm The Trouble Maker!!

Now everyone knows that I bite my tongue for NOBODY but I do occasionally alter what I say so I don’t hurt people’s feeling but at this point I really don’t fucking care! I am so tired of Justin and his bitchassness! He bitches all the fucking time and he needs to take two shots of testosterone and shut the fuck up! Honestly, there have been many occations on which his bitchassness had prevailed but two of them have really made me mad!

1. he made his facebook status about he had fun with his real friends…excuse me bitch! I’m not your real fucking friend?? Oh aight, next time you need a ride or you bored, call a fucking friend! Just because me and dez wanted to do something other then hookah, you bitching? Honestly, I didn’t want to hookah that bad but I knew Mia wanted us to come and I wanted Mia to be happy! I had already declined an offer to attend the hunted house with someone else inorder to do it. However, this second offer was willing to drive to PA (and not charge gas money) and provide weed and alcohol. Plus I was going with different people who I normally don’t hang out with. I don’t feel fucking bad that I decided not to hookah!!! I just saw Mia and Troy like a week ago and we went to the mall and we had so much fun. You want to know why you weren’t there?? Cause you never have ANY fucking money!! GET A JOB! I mean Mia and Troy have 2 kids and they go to school and they still work! I have a job and Dez makes money! She maintains a 3.77 gpa at Hopkins! That’s a full time gig! The reason you miss us so much is because we have LIVES and other friends (oh yet another thing you are missing!!). You don’t make friends at your school because you don’t try to! You just expect us to be there but real talk everyone in our circle is already partnered up! I mean Mia has Troy, I have Dez and when Jas comes back, she will join me and dez! I’m not saying this to be mean but you need other friends!!!

2. I AM STILL NOT OVER THAT DAMN DC TRIP!!! You bitch ass nigga!!! Number one, you offered to help me pay for Jasmine since she didn’t have any money and you was like oh I got her, I got her! Dezeray left her card at home cause you claimed you “had” her. Then we get to fucking dc and you’re the one bitching about me looking for parking and I told you a garage was $14 and you was like I got you! So after we park, we decide to go to the movies. I asked you could we go half on Jasmine and then you say you ain’t got enough?! Bitch you knew in fucking Baltimore you didn’t have enough! And then Jasmine was feeling bad so I got her ticket cause that’s what friends do!! and then after we get back to my car you don’t have the money for the parking you said you would pay for!!! UGH!!! That bothered the shit out of me but I let that shit go! BUT THEN YOU HAD THE FUCKING AUDACITY TO CLAIM DEZERAY OWED YOU A DRINK CAUSE YOU PAID FOR EVERYTHING IN DC!!! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!!!! That was why I drank all three drinks by myself! Bitch you didn’t pay for a DAMN thing and then are gonna expect someone to buy you something? FUCK THAT!

FOR THE FUCKING RECORD!!! Since I’m your “fake” friend, you can stay out of my fake ass car (which of course you have no problem with since Troy doesn’t mind picking you up until you get to the fucking point where you always assume you already have a seat!), you can stay away from my “fake” job, and you don’t have to come to my “fake” friend’s parties! Honestly, any event I attend will most likely be “fake” so don’t fucking come and don’t worry, as your “fake” friend, I won’t invite you! I know this does sound hella crud but that’s how I fucking feel!!! NO ONE and I mean NO MOTHERFUCK ONE not even young money has pissed me off like you have! I didn’t want to talk to him cause he made me mad but I don’t want to deal with you cause you’re a bitch and a gay bitch at that!! I think you real pussy (or dick) and not that “fake” ass shit you told us! If some bitch offered you sex, I’m sure you would sit there dumb founded and cum on yourself! UGH!!

CrudAsItMayBe

Sandra/Becky Out!

Driving like a bat out of hell....

Well that wasn't me today I was driving slow and steady cuz thats they key to getting the L's and once I get it I am driving like a bat out of hell!!!! WHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

So yea... Dez... your blog... we gotta talk lol cuz ur blogs b leaving me wondering lol

Ok so on to my GSE (do you remmeber that?) lmao GREATEST SEX EVER!!!!!!!!! I HAD THE GREATEST SEX EVER last night!!! I came like 20 million times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I actually gave up, I never never never gave up on sex but last night i was DONE I curled over in a fetal position and begged him to stopped and he told me thats what i get for waking him up and begging him for sex!!! But i was happy i was pleased and I have to admit that I was happy that we had sex and he was pumpimg and pumping for almost 90 mins and not coming cuz for once and my life I felt like the woman of the sex relationship not the man

BURR BURR BURR

So I am not trying to be cold but ... BURR! :-D

There is someone that I messed with for like ever and who I always thought would have first dibs. You know how there's always that one guy who no one thinks is good for you but they have some type of power over you and no matter what you can't leave them alone? And to be honest, in this world people get advantages for things. Just like a girl gets an advantage for being pretty, a guy gets an advantage for being in shape/having a sexy body/ being able to hit it right. You know how girls stay with guys who cheat on them with every girl on the block, messing up the girls credit, living in the girls house and not paying rent and basically not doing anything for her? We all know guys who fuck you like a pornstar get away with things the average guy cant.

And the thing is, guys know it when they get it like that. It might be a noise they hear you make in bed and once they hear it they KNOW. They are like from this moment on I NEVER have to worry about her looking at another guy again.

Anyway so the first time I moved out from my strict fascist house and finally could be the hippie girl i secretly am, one of the first things i did was went all the way with this guy i liked and it was a wrap. I was like now im hooked and always going to have these love hate feelings for him. I went out and partied and drank and stuff but I never got involved with other guys cause I was like whats the point? You would be a waste of time cause its not going to be like what I'm already getting!

SO long story short since this wasnt supposed to be a long blog is that although I was NEVER LOOKING FOR SOMEONE ELSE, I guess sometimes it justs happens that you fall into a situation where your doing something new. And this new situation progresses and progresses and you take a step and another step until next thing you know you take a look around and realized you walk right into COMPLETELY different world now. And you weren't dragged here - you got your ass up and came here on your own cause you wanted to. And you have to take a step back and reevaluate while watching everything you thought you know gets turned upside down. I guess thats why they say your too young to make decisions at my age because you havent seen enough of the world yet.

Anyway guys consider this:

When a girl says that she DEFINITELY isn't accepting applications for new male friends.... someone is eventually going to come along and make her reconsider that. And he is going to be one lucky guy.

Dez Out

If you ain't cold, don't say BUR!

this is the last time I'ma say it!!! lol anyway, I agree with Mia! Ain't a damn thing wrong with using pussy power! Shit, if I would have been gave it up to greg he would NOT be on my wheels now! But on another note, I think someone is really cute. He goes to hopkins and I guess me and him have the same interest but I don't really know him so whatever. Like I think at one point he may have likes me but then I indirectly told him I liked Blake (well he found out) and now ugh! I don't know.

Anyway, I got an A on my english midterm and a 96 on my psych midterm and I am PUMPED!!! Anyway...I just looked at pictures of Eric and he is sexy with pretty eyes so I'm about to get at that!!

TTYL <3

Sandra Out

It ain't trickin' if you got it

THAT'S THE MORAL OF MY LIFE!!!! I got so it ain't trickin lol but on the same note if ur using ur pussy to get nice things hey why not? I approve but I don't approve of using ur pussy to get a hit if your a junkie or for little money, and I dont approve of ppl doing it for someone else if I'm doing the work that money is going in my pocket "fuck where they do that at?"

So I'm happy because I have my driving lessons 2mar and i just cant wait like I'M UBER EXCITED!!!!!!!! I can't wait until I get my liscense and drive!!! I'll be so free!!!!!! I can just get up and go!!

I aam in love with skool so far my grades are above and beyond and I feel so motivated!!! I just hope I stays feeling like this cuz this feels great.


So i'm happy I finally called about my mirena cuz this 12 hour bleeding is aburbed!!!!! I'm tired of it plus my LRQ (lower right quadrant hurts)
* I learned that n skool* :D

Well That's all for now I'll def blog 2mar to talk about my driving exprience

That Ain't Help

So I know I just posted but I still feel bad. Like I feel angry and sad and ok all at the same time. Like I am so confused and if there weren't people here in the room with me, I would start crying. Like I hope its just that dumb ass plan b pill throwing off my hormones cause I am never like this!! Like I know I'm angry cause I just keep things bottled up instead of telling people what I really feel. Like everyone knows I have no problem speaking my mind but lately I've been biting my tongue ALOT and I honestly have no reason to. And I know I'm sad/happy cause of this pregnancy thing. Like I'm happy I am not pregnant with ryan's baby but I wouldn't mind being pregnant. I feel like I should just full into my culture and settle down and have kids. And everyone is like that wasting your potential and I feel like why can't I use my potential to raise a family?? It just bothers me that everyone is determined to tell me what to do with my uterus! If I woke up tomorrow pregnant, I would be perfectly fine with that.

Anyway, until then I can always take care of my boo Dezzy. She makes me happy like right now. I just talked to her and I feel better :D

So Confused

Sandra Out (again)

Moving On

So everyone keeps bring up old stuff and people in my life are really pissing me off. Like I understand some of it is because they care about me but other parts of it, I feel like they need to mind their own business. One clear example is me and day. Like everyone knows I love day and everything but she just really pissed me off this past weekend. First, at Tierra's party, we were all suppose to leave and have a club day night because the party was wack. So day and amber basically sneak out with out telling anyone while we were cutting the cake. And then she texts me like we left and we waiting for you guys. So I tell Tee that I have to go but she looked really sad and I was like well, I guess I will stay a while longer and the party got live so I ended up not leaving at all. My whole thing was it seemed like she had an attitude with me when I called her and she was like if I knew you weren't leaving, I would have stayed and she was frustrated. But I didn't tell her to leave and thomas didn't leave the party either when club day was his idea!

Also, I am so tired of people bring up ryan. Honestly, I never said anything about his dick being small to all his friends! That was all them who started calling him little dick banks and that has NOTHING to go with me! Even though ryan acted like a pure ass when we went through our situation, its over now and I guess we're friends again. For the record, what happened happened and I am moving on. It did not affect me and I'm still the same person. People keep asking me if I feel different about the situation or if I regret going it and when I tell them no, they look at me like I'm stupid. I want them to understand that I do not feel taken advantage of and that its over! It will probably never happen again but I wouldn't take it back. Plus, day cancelled her Halloween party cause of everyone having sex with each other and being reckless. But apparently she really cancelled it cause of me and ryan and she feels responsible. No one made us have sex. UGH! I just wish people who I didn't talk to personally about the situation (and if your name ain't Mia or Dez or Ryan, I'm talking to YOU!) would mind their damn business! UGH! this is just frustrating and annoying me.

Honestly, I just wish people who are not me, would stop worrying about what I do. If you don't approve of my actions, I don't give a fuck!!! Trust me, your opinion means NOTHING! It meant nothing when you thought of it, it meant nothing when you told me and tomorrow when I wake up and don't remember, it will continue to mean NOTHING! Like I want to just move on but its hard when everyone and their mother is talking about it every other second! UGH!!!!! ANGER!!!!!!!! ANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANGRY PONY

Sandra Out

Little Black Girl Lost

So before I begin...

Lisandra- I feel like you should just let it go for now it was just one night. Like I can't stress it enough if you are you are but I am pretty sure your not. If you was on top like you said then most of the sperm came back out, like I've read a lot that girl on top is not a pregnant position.

***Disclaimer**** I am not a medical doctor

Like sperm can get to u which ever way but with gravity and everything girl on top is least likely to get you pregnant

Dezeray- Idk about you but if Melanie is 16 and smokes weed I'm gonna care lol like I understand that ur happy they'd b open and I'd b happy too but I'd kinda care that she smokes. Just had to say that lol


So on to me, I was kinda sad yesterday because I love hanging out with dez and lizzy but sometimes I feel left out. Like they are always together like day and and day out and I'm always here bored while they are studying and partying and everything. Like I try to ignore it and thank that its just me being jealous, but I'm not hating on them doing them I'm happy!!!! Especially dez!! she deserves to be out and do what she wants cuz she was so shelter so long! Well, I guess that makes envious then. But I just feel like they have so much fun I will never have, every time I go out I always have somebody with me, either troy or the baby or Melanie them they can just get up and go! :( I try not to think about it but it's so bitter sweet I'm happy for them but it makes me sad too :(

But on a better note!!!! I'm still haven't stopped bleeding, I bleed during the day and not at night I kno random I bleed from like 10am to 10pm! I KNOW REALLY RANDOM!! but I'm cool cuz after 10 I get to have crazy monkey sex and wake up really satisfied :)

I schedule my driving hours so I should def have my L's by the end of the year no later then my birthday (2/19) I can't wait so I can get some certified driving lessons from a certified teacher!! I am sooo happy!!!

O am also happy because I got my book in the mail today I ordered Little Black Girl lost 2 I loved the first one and I ordered the second one!!!! Can't wait :)

Until next time,

~Mia out~

UGH!!!!!

I am so stressed right now! Like I don't want to be pregnant!! This is the main reason why I waited so long to lose my virginity! I just knew some dumb ass shit like this would happen! And then like the guy is being an ass trying to put it all on me and that its my fault that I'm in this situation when it isn't! We both made a dumbass mistake and now I have to suffer for it while he claims he has everything to lose! Real talk, I don't give a fuck about his family or his girl or his fucking future!! I care about my shit!! How am I going to raise a child?! I've never had any serious responsibility in my life! I have the highest goals in the world! On top of that, I have Greg. I feel horrible that I betrayed him and had sex with someone else! And then if I'm pregnant, I know he will be devastated. I just wish this whole situation would disappear! And then he's trying to tell me I'm ugly (which we all know I'm not)! This little dick nigga isn't even cute, he just has pretty eyes! Like the sex was HORRIBLE and I'm not the first person to say it! Honestly, I don't even want to talk to him at all! If I am pregnant, I would rather move to Miami with my father, that way he will NEVER know where I am and won't ever see this child!

And its like I can not believe that he was my friend before this entire situation! Like we actually used to have conversations about stuff and geek. I guess thats what's pissing me off the most! All the people around my told me that he was an ass and I kept sticking up for him but at this point, I wish he would just get hit by a bus or shot at morgan! ugh! I have never wished harm on someone else but he truly deserves it! I just wish I could have a conversation with God and ask him why me? They say God only gives you as much as you can handle but this is crazy. I think I'm just going to go sit in my car and cry. :'(

SoSad
Sandra Out

Dont Ask, Dont Tell

I feel it is necessary to blog about VICES. I mean all I did today was skip ALL 5 of my classes and smoke so I had a lot of time on my hands. Besides I don't have class tomorrow. The title is because to my family and to most people I am an angel. On paper I'm a straight A student, IB diploma recipient, goody two shoes, role model, perfect daughter. From the outside looking in I'm the all american dream. Never do anything bad.

But to the very few people who do know me, I'm completely not that picture perfect. I drink and get high on a regular basis, blow off school, sleep all day, hook up, waste money, party, blah blah blah. Like I am this totally alternative girl trapped in the body of a totally straightlaced girl and I wonder how different my life would be if I was out in the open with it. My favorite 3 things are drugs music and alcohol! In my circle of friends I guess I would be the substance abuser but at least I am not the promiscuous girl. Haha that would never be me.

Anyway I was thinking about why I always have to keep up this role model image cause its what everyone is used to. I mean my family knows I went and got a tattoo and a piercing and they know I blasted rock music all through high school and like they know I have a lot of friends. Frankly I think they know I'm not as good as they think I am but are just turning a blind eye to it. A while back I casually asked my grandmother for my health insurance card and she told me I should just keep it. I didn't think anything of it until some time later when me and my cousin were talking and she asked me (between me and her) if I secretly went and had an abortion. Excuse me? Is that what people home thought? They were wrong I just wanted to fill a prescription! Either way it was never addressed and I was shocked that they thought that had happened and they were just gonna let something that big slide without bringing it up.

Anyway I shouldnt have been surprised cause that's how things at my house work. Don't ask, don't tell. You just don't talk about certain things in our house. You just always keep up the perfect family image. I don't really like this because life is imperfect, everyone has vices, and I don't think we should hide our flaws. We should be open and honest with each other all the time and not cover up how we live. And always be our true natural selves. They should know the real me instead of the perfect plastic version. I want my kids to always feel free to talk about anything and not hide things from me. If my 16 year old daughter was a pothead I wouldn't care its better her being one out in the open than me turning a blind eye to it cause I just want my house to be tension free. True Unconditional love all around. And I don't care if my kids don't want to go college if they have another plan its fine and guess what? Even if they were total bums with no goals I would love them (although I would be disappointed and constantly try to get them jobs lol I would never judge them or love them less). I don't like judgement and in my house everything will be out on the table cause the truth is the truth is the truth whether you hide it or not.

Dez Out

Emotional Rollercoaster

So I've been kinda up and down over the past few days dezeray says it's my new hormonal birth control but idk I just don't feel right...

So for starters I feel like a total emotional wreck!!!! I'm happy one minute sad the next angry after that n then happy again I have no idea why I feel this way but I just do like it's a lot of contributing factors for me feeling this way like bleeding for one n idk how long I've been bleeding I'm gonna say about almost about a week but it seems longer because I'll stop at night n start bleeding again in the morning it's like ugh!!!!! Idk what's going on in my body! And then on top of that I'm soooooo horny I can't even remember the last time I had sex and I want it sooo bad and I'm trying to act like it don't bother me but it does!!! It's driving me crazy it's like I'm repressing soo much pent up anger n energy idk what to do wit myself and I'm tired of lying to myself like I'm not pressed over it but I am like I'm holding back so much emotional baggage that my head and hurts from holding shit back!!! Ugh

My back and it feels like my kidneys (or sides) hurt and been hurting for the past few days too like I was trying to poop and I couldn't cuz as I tried to push my side was killing me!!!! I almost wanted to cry!!! And not to mention my constant mild stomach and back cramps!!! I just feel so all over with these emotions and pain and I just want it to stop

I wanna talk to Troy but I feel like he won't understand and in the same breathe Im angry cuz he won't understand and then I'm upset cuz he can't see that I'm not acting normal and that he won't just hold me and rub my back and make me feel nice :( im upset cuz he wants to have sex with me but doesn't feel like putting in the work I'm just all around miserable n idk what to do wit myself and I wanna cry but I'm too angry to cry cuz I feel like I don't have a reason too :'(

Mia sad.

Love

Love is unconditional but judgement.

Love is understanding but misunderstood.

Love forgives the sins that God questions but never forgets them.

Love is blind but also sees all.

Love is stupid but wiser then you think.

Love is silly but has a serious side.

Love is everlasting but one day will fade.

Love is shameless but hides it face at times.

Love is amazing but can be common.

Love is exciting but can be boring.

Love can hurt but it can also heal.

Love can make you smile and then turn and bring you to tears.

Love can drive you crazy and also make you sane.

Love can change your life and effect nothing at all.

Love can take you to new heights but you never leave the ground.

Love is always here but it plays hide and seek.

Love is contradicting but always makes sense.

<3

Mrs. Faulkner

And If I Ever Fall In Love Again

So my life has been looking up lately. Clearly, I am now 19!! I had a great birthday party and I was able to bring together my party friends and my best friends and they all had a really good time and where able to act normal and bond. Brittnie and my best friend Jessy even bonded so I guess everything worked out. Anyway, on Sunday I was able to sleep in which I've wanted to do forever but couldn't cause of school and work. I woke up at 1 pm and then migrated downstairs and returned to sleep until 6 pm. All in all, it was a great birthday. I wish that Jas would have been in Baltimore but she was with us in spirit.

However, of course Greg had to find a way to piss me off on my birthday. My birthday was on Sunday and me and him went out on Friday. We talking and really just chilled out and it wasn't even like a pressured situation with him and I just feel so comfortable. However, he also told me that he had court on Wednesday and that scared the mess out of me. I mean, he's always been in trouble throughout his life but now he's an adult. I just know that one day he will be in real serious trouble and I will be stuck by myself raising his baby. Anyway, so we talk about it and he was like he's nervous but he hopes everything works out. And then we hugged and........yea so after it was all said and done, I asked him was he coming to my party. (mind you it was like 4am) and he's like oh call me later and ask me and I'm just like whatever fool! You ain't answering your phone. So of course that night, I call and no answer but I wasn't sweating it cause it was my night and if he came, he would have wanted me all to himself and he would have been disappointed with my behavior. Anyway, so he doesn't call on Sunday either to tell me happy birthday and that pissed me the fuck off! How the hell you gonna swear that you wanna be with me for life and you don't even call me on my birthday?! like really though?! But like always with him, I got over it but he didn't even call me after his court date. So, I've been worried and this asshole can't even call to tell me what happened! But today, I called and heard his voice and at least I know he's safe.

This did get my wheels turning and I have a forthcoming message about love.

TaTaFaNow

Sandra Becky Out

And the word of Today is....

Anorexia- Diminished appetite; aversion to food.

I think I have a slight case of anorexia. But I don't really force myself to not eat, I just don't have an appetite. I only want to eat like once or maybe twice, but twice is a huge stretch!! (sigh) I wish I really had an appetite... It or maybe my pressure maybe the reason for my headaches.

So on another note I got a tb test today... It hurted but I am a trooper and I gotta take my needles cuz I'm gonna b giving some and taking some over the course of the next few months.

I love school!!! I'm tired as hell in the morning but it is so worth it!!! Like right now I am practicing typing without looking at the keys!!!

So what else...
I think my dad is gonna die, He keep doing this thing that he does and passing out and sweating and chest pain and vomit... like idk what it is it really saddens me

well the baby is woke and moving around so I'll blog later...

~Mia out~

Pirate Skulls and bones, Sticks and stone and weed and bombs

So this blog is gonna be a little short because I am tired but I promised myself that I'd blog tonight!

SO I started medix today!!!! I LOVE IT!! The ppl are nice, my classes are hard!! I am ready for the challenge!!!!

I also got my IUD today it wasn't as bad as I thought it would it was just a little crampy but it's subsided a lot i just wanna keep watch on it.

I would love to go into further details but I think I will do that 2mar cuz I'm extremely tired...


~Mia out~