Growing Up

Damn...its been a minute lol Everyone is so busy with their lives that no has really blogged but I feel like I need to keep this going. I mean when we look back and read these blogs we gonna think damn! we done grown the fuck up

As for me, I'm finally a supervisior!! yay ***well its only for the summer but its better then never getting here lol I'm leaving for Spain tomorrow and I'm super excited! Also me and dezzy are besties again! I missed her and am so happy that we are reconnected =]

Anyway, I'm really blogging because I'm starting my own blog. Only while I'm in Spain but it will keep me connected to my friends at home and I won't have to retell the same stories over and over again! Its gonna be called "Paella In My Belly"!

FollowMe
SandraOut

Domestication

So I'm on my 2011 shit. In the 1950s it was common for women to cook and clean and do all the domestic work because that was their job. However, now, hell no. I hate that women are aways stuvk working the double shift as house wife and professional and I personally refuse to participate. This means that I will NOT cook, I will NOT clean and I DAMN SURE AIN'T raising no babies. If I work 40 hours or more a week and you work 15, guess who's doing the dishes?? and I expect dinner at 7 and maybe even a back rub. I'm just sick of guys always complaining cause they're girl doesn't do this or the other #fuckouttahere live in our lives for 24 hours and you'd be tired too.

Plus its not the domestication that bothers me. Its the fact that guys expect it from every female and that ain't the way it works. If you wife me and I'm not doing shit else all day, I'll step up and cook and clean and set up candles around the bed. I might even curl my hair just to make sure that your perfectatly taken care of. However, the fact that I go to school full time and maintain a job and still manage to find time to suck your dick means that you need to get it together!

RantingAndShit
SandraOut

Recap Real Quick

I haven't blogged in a while and feel like its time to let everyone into my little think bubble. I'm actually really comfortable with my life right now. As in my earlier blogs, I'm still same lame me. I was accepted into my study aboard program so I will be departing to Alcala Spain at the end of the summer. I'm also a supervisor now so go me. and I'm having a god daughter!

***sidebar: I randomly worked at Unos for the past 2 months but thats dead***

Anyway, I didn't know the situation between Mia and Troy was getting that bad. Y'all need to see someone! Communication is the key to a good relationship (or so I heard but idk). I just know you two need to get it together...I remember the days when all yall did was fuck and you guys were so in love...go back to that!!

On another note, me and Dezzy are talking. PROGRESS!! YAY!!

Finally, I have a new guy in my life!! His name is Derrick...he's tall and lightskin. He has the cutest 2 year old son but his son is bad. PLUS (pay attention this is the important part) WE AIN'T FUCK YET!! Its amazing! Like I spent the night over there last night and we ain't do anything! Not even kiss (cause that just leads to more trouble lol). Like I got there and we were talking and he was making jokes. We had a whole conversation about me not being domesticated (another blog forthcoming) and we just laid up under each other and were play fighting and it was fun! But I feel like the longer we wait, the better it will be and the stronger our relationship will be! I'm just really happy that we're taking it extra slow and actually getting to know each other...plus we even go on dates like we been to the movies and he buys my ticket and buys me blue icies lol



InLaLaLand
SandraOut

Tired of Being Nice

So i have always made a conscious effort to try and help out the people i care about in life however i could. whether it be actually helping them with something listening to a problem or just trying to make them smile when they are in a bad mood. but im starting see that no matter what i try to do it comes off wrong and i end up looking and/or feeling like the bad person. no matter how true my intentions may be i always end up being perceived as for lack of a better word an ass. and im really starting to get tired of it. like it is in my nature to help if i can and i dont do it to get recognition but at the same time i dont see a point in doing it if i still gonna end u looking like an ass in the end

so it got me to wondering if everyone sees me as an ass thats only does shit to further myself why the hell should i give 2 shits about helping anyone anymore. maybe i should just become this person that everyone else sees me as and then there wouldnt be an issue anymore.

Time To Blog

so i've come to the realization that i need to start blogging again because i cant keep holding shit in its not good for me. my whole life i have always held on and dealt with my own issues but now im tired of it so i begin

FUCK YOU TOO!

first OF ALL I'M LAZY? I take care of this house while you are at work and so the fuck what you work 7 day the shit you do is not hard. stand in the window and push buttons or talk to ppl and and take their blood pressure using a machine wow big shit. And while I'm home i take care of you kids cooking and cleaning and doing all the shit you don't do. having money is not everything when your child don't even really know you and how you so fucking wrapped up in that girl to even talk to your daughter or son that is missing you all the time. Instead of working two jobs all week how about find a nursing job that will pay you and have you working more then 2 days a week. having money don't replace being a mother. And i can find someone else to suck my dick i mean it ain't like you have the only mouth in the world or you have the best because I'm sure its someone out there with a better one and they probably enjoy it too. so don't get it twisted. really I'm start to regret moving in here because all the shit you said you wouldn't do is happening and i don't need this bullshit. and me being lazy you sent your son in the room with wipes for me to change a pissy diaper when there were pampers and wipes right next to you. while you were talking on the phone was your convo more important really. wtf? I'm done wit the bullshit i shouldn't have put my name on this lease. you always learn from you mistake its only one year of this shit.

untitled

I am in a relationship with a lazy person. I'm probably not making it any better, but i don't have the energy to fight it. It takes ENTIRELY TOO MUCH TO FIGHT IT. I work 2 jobs and come home to do shit... I'M TIRED!!

So what I choose to work. tf is the point???? I work to stay a float and you bitching cuz I don't spend anytime with isn't gonna make me stop working when we will be fucked if I stop working one of my jobs. It annoys me that everything I do is a fucking problem. I talk to that girl it's a problem. I work and it's a problem!! like I'm pissed now cuz I asked you to change a pamper and you said no. Like why? the fuck did you do all day???? why r u making this hard for me!! I just don't understand and I'm on the verge of tears... I'm fucking stressed... and your not helping me any!!! What can you possibly say that you are doing that helping me? Besides asking me to suck your dick because you feel neglected!!! I feel like I am about to explode from just holding shit and holding shit in like I feel like im on the verge of a breakdown because I can't say anything to you because you'll make me look like an ass!!! I'm just tired!! I wanna escape I wanna have a day when I can do me and do what I wanna do but instead I can't I have to keep on going and keep piling shit on. I feel so many ways right now and I don't know what to do. I think I'm gonna give it a rest and just go smoke or something to ease my mind.

Tumblr

Soooo I have a tumblr. It's 1amazinlyfe.tumblr.com. I haven't forgot about peguin salad and I still will blog, but my tumblr is a more personal thing... check it out.

maichennel

ps follow me on twitter. @miachennel if u haven't noticed lol

H.E.R

H.E.R

I never knew how fun it'd be,

until I met her.

Yea, there were hers before HER,

but they were nothing like HER.

She made me feel ways I never felt before.

She's done stuff to me that a guy couldn't.

I think I love her.

I love how soft she is.

I love her curves.

I love how she accepts me,

for me.

I want her.

I need her...

But I can't.

For she belongs to another,

and I belong to him.

So until our paths crosses again,

I 'll love HER from a distance.

miachennel

Hall Pass

I'm in the mood to write so I figured I'd blog. So for me and Troy's anniversary I figured I'd give him a hall pass. We're getting married in almost one year and before we make this us and us for ever I wanna make sure he's at least experienced someone else and see if this is really what he wants. Dezeray said I was very selfless but I see it as not creating further problems in the future.

I like my new place. It's peaceful. I actually feel like I'm the noisy person in here.

There's been a lot on my mind lately and I don't write about it just yet cuz i'm still trying to deal with it myself. But once I do, I promise to write about it.

miachennel

Don't let me fall

"They say what goes up must come down but don't let me fall" B.O.B

That's how I feel right now. I feel like I'm at a high right now. I'm working, gonna move soon, and everything seems to be working in my favor, but I just don't want to come off of this high and to fall flat on my ass. You can always tell how I'm feeling based on the song I listen. Lately my playlist has been all over because I feel all over and I feel like my brain is being spread thin. That's it for now I just wanted to get that out. miachennel

In the meantime

It's been awhile since I last reported my life to you. So much has happened and I don't know where to begin. So I think I'll just type and see where it takes me.

Soo for starters... WE'RE MOVING!! I kno, I kno *clap, clap* We will move in on Apr 1. I'm excited, but at the same time I'm stressed. I feel like I'm busting my ass and I troy not doing anything. Like I understand I'm making more money cuz I do work 2 jobs, 7 days a week. BUT I brought everything, and that's not bothering me, what is bothering is that I'm doing all the packing and shit too, like he hasn't washed any clothes, he hasn't cleaned up the room yet. I feel like since he's off 2-3 says a week, the LEAST he can do is fucking clean up! or wash clothes SOMETHING you know just as well as me when we are moving and and you have done nothing! Like he doesn't do anything in intuitive. Like he's so fucking lazy and it's killing me. It's killing my mind like my brain is wrecking cuz I don't wanna wait until the last min to be packing in moving shit I want to be done, I want to move and I feel like he's a big as log in my way of trying to get shit done... better yet I'll call him dead weight. like it's soooo annoying ugh.....

I'm frustrated like sexually and I will admit that it maybe a phase but for the time being it's killing me! I had sex the other night and it had sooo much potential to be AMAZING... but it ended in a flop. I still haven't recovered from that. I wanna have sex and I want it to be good but I'm afraid to put myself out there. And when I mention it to troy he just says ok well don't worry about it and rolls over. like ugh... DO SOMETHING!!!

I started watching tv and got lost in my thought sooo I blog later.


miachennel

Filling In Some Blanks

So I haven't blogged in a while. There's no real reason why actually. I just been busy with school and focusing on other stuff. Plus I don't have anyone extra special in my life right now so there's definately less drama to deal with and blog about it. As a recap, I'm still in school. I'm still a psych and spanish double major. I still live with my mom. I'm still driving the same car. You see where I'm going with this! I'm still just me. Same person I always have been and same person I always will be plus or minus a few friends and boyfriends.My best friend is pregnant with my first god child so I'm excited! I mean I was excited when Mia was pregnant with Celab but this is different. Its like I'm having a baby of my own cause she involves me in every process as I'm sure Mia did with Dezeray when she had Melanie. Like I was the first person she told and she texts me when she's scared or nervous or just needs someone to hear her out and of course I'm always going to understand and never judge her! She's always been the more mature out of us two but people have always swore she messed up here and there. I think she's perfect just the way she is and everyone can go fuck themselves. (including those who are talking about her right now!). The only sad part is that she is due while I'm in Spain. I secretly wished that I would get denied from my program so that I would be here with her and it sucks that I'm going to miss it. But I am excited to be leaving! I always wanted to leave Baltimore for an extended period of time and this is my chance. I always kinda regretted not going to University of Tampa for college and always had a what if moment. I mean I see Jasmine in New York and she loves it but she's also more independent than me. I mean I can't be without my mom for a whole day let along a semester. Maybe I'll convince her to fly there in October and then she can just stay til Decemember with her god sister! I feel handicapped in a way. Like all my friends have these "strained" relationships with their parents and/or siblings and all I have is my mom. My brother started working at the zoo and I never realized how much I really care about him until I thought I had let him down by not picking him up. Like I was crying and everything. Well I'm tired of writing lol.
TtYl
SandraOut

Stupid Chemistry

So after that whole situation with Nikea over the summer, I stopped dealing with Gregory totally. Like I realized that he was an asshole in all forms of the word and that he did NOT care about me or my feelings and furthermore he damn sure didn’t respect me which is worse. So I stopped answering his calls, blocked his number from my cell phone and told everyone that I did NOT want them relaying messages back and forth between us. So last night, he texted me….I knew I shouldn’t have replied but I was so curious to know what the hell he wanted! So I replied and he tried to act like shit was all cool and I just been ducking him out! I told him that the shit with Nikea that night was unacceptable and that’s why I ain’t want to deal with him no more and he apologized.-_-. (It goes without saying that I was thinking whatever in my head!) But then he proceeds to tell me that he is salty because I give his brother my number one night! His brother ain’t even call me so its whatever son! He is also salty because I told him I was with Quentin and couldn’t deal with him anymore but I gave out my number! (1) you have no claims to me! Don’t worry about who has my number (2) your goal was to break me and Quentin up which was why you wanted to deal with me in the first place! (3) GET THAT BULLSHIT OUT OF HERE! I mean I understand how his feelings were hurt but he’s played so many games with me that I can’t trust him and I damn sure can’t be friends with him again! It’s just some things that ain’t supposed to be together! He and I are like baking soda and vinegar. We do our own thing separate, get together and blow up and then settle back down! I’m tired of this cycle! I know I love him but love can only do so much but hopefully he’s realized that you can’t play all your life and expect shit to work out.

IMissHimButIRefuseToGoBack
SandraOut

At An Impasse

So i kno its been a really long time since my last blog but i just didnt really have much to blog about at the time, but recently i've been thinking a lot about my life and like the title says im at an impasse.

i can honestly say that in my entire life i have never lived without some kind of plan for the future no matter how abstract it may have been i've always had at least a general idea where i was headed. but now im in a place where i have no clue where i want to end up. its like every time over the past few years that i thought i had a plan it either fell through or imploded. i feel like im standing at fork in the road with more possible paths then i can count.

when i was in high school i knew that by now i would be interning at a PR firm and getting ready to graduate in a year or so. but as i sit here im no closer to that goal. if anything im even further from it than i was then.

when i decided to go to B.I.C i just knew that by now i would have graduated and been working at a restaurant or something in either Miami or New York but yet i still find myself sitting in my grandmother's house rotting my life away.

its come to the point where i just dont kno whats left for me my gut tells me that i need to go back to school the other day i requested applications from a few colleges. but deep down i dont even think that any of them will accept me and if they dont then thats just gonna be a couple hundred dollars in app. fees, transcripts, and test score reports that i wasted with no outcome.

then even if they do accept me im worried that i wont have enough credits to not be considered a freshman i kno it probably sounds dumb but after going through 2 years of school (even though they were for total opposite degrees) my pride just wont let me be a freshman again i can do, not to mention i cant add 4 more years worth of debt onto myself.

it just seems like every possible path i can take leads to either a dead end or another impasse. I have never been this confused in my life.

Then i look at my family people who have always put so much stock into what i was gonna be when i grew up. they have always had these huge lofty expectations for me and i feel like im not living up to them. i feel like I'm letting them all down and that really hurts. i mean i cant even count the number of times in my life that i was told that i was gonna be the one that "made it". i heard it so much that i even bought into that bull shit myself. hell my grand mother named me Justin McCallister Dutton because she always said it would look nice on my briefcase. i just dont kno

i feel like maybe i just need to pick a path and jump but im worried if i do that would leave me worse off then i am now.

Chosing Sides

First, I read Mia's blog and it breaks my heart to know that she feels that way. The last thing I would ever want to do it come between her and her best friend, just how I wouldn't want anyone to come between me and mines. With that said, I'm done with this whole shit with Dezeray. Yea, I said it before but now I actually mean it. I'm tired about feeling bad and crying about something that I don't even know I did. Furthermore, the people that she has told what happened all say that its dumb and not worth losing a friendship over. If it was that dumb, we would be talking right? I guess not. Maybe she never really wanted to be my friend from the jump. Maybe she been not liked me just didn't want to hurt my feelings. Of course, she could have hated me for a while now and just been phoney. Whatever the case, I no longer care. If our friendship can't handle petty shit like this, I don't want to be friends again and something big happens and I know that once again, I will be alone. With that said, I'm seperating myself from my twin offical. I will no longer attend mutual events or participate in mutual activites unless the persons being there are ok with my presence even if it means Dezeray won't come. I have also decided to stop participating in the group thread. I feel as though I censor what I say when I shouldn't have to and I hate that she responces to me on there but not in real life. Plus, I can always text/call/tweet the people in it and they can contact me if they want to talk to me. Just like I told Mia, I have also told our mutural hopkins friends that I wouldn't come to events if they want her there and they said they want me there. It seems like the only people I'm cutting out of my life are the ones closes to me (Mia, Troy, Justin and Jizz) but as I said earlier, I can talk to them other ways.

TriedOfTryingAndLostHope
SandraOut

heart-broken

So while I have a little downtime at work, I figured I would write about how heart-broken I feel about the possibility that I might now get married this year. Like I want to more than ever to get married, but I just feel like it's not gonna happen. And i'm completely heart broken. I wanna walk down the aisle, but then again I just wanted get married. Like half of me is just like screw it and go to Vegas, but I miss out on Caleb carrying the ring and Melanie throwing flowers. Like I feel like it's too early to give up hope, but I'm the only person that still wants to. I was talking to Troy about it and I feel as though he's completely unaffected about it, he's more upset that we can't buy a house which I knew we wasn't gonna do from jump street. And I guess he knew from jump we wasn't gonna get married this year. I need to start going back to church and get some sanity back in my life and some calming. I just feel so erratic idk what to do. But i do kno I'm heart broken.


brokenhearted

Time to write

I'm happy and sad to be the first person to blog in the new year, I just knew someone would beat me to it, but anyway, I have a lot to say and I need to get it out before I forget about it.

Troy's Birthday is 2mar and I can't believe he'll be 21!! Like I'm excited I threw him a surprise party at Ryan's house and it went well so I was happy and he was too. It was nuffin big just drinks and guys playing beer pong, stuff Troy likes,not like dancing and stuff that I like lol. I only felt bad because I didn't tell one Lisandra about it because Dezeray was there and I wanted Dez there and if I invited Liz Dez wouldn't have came. Like I feel so bad, and I maybe taking on more than it is, but I feel like I'm in the middle, like i wanna hangout with both of them but I can't because they're not friends right now and I just don't know what to do.

Like before I barely saw them because they was always together but if we had an event we they both came and normally together but now we have to choose who to invite to events because Liz will come but Dez won't and it makes me feel awful because of all the things that dez could be putting up a fight for or stand for she choosing this, but then again I'm not sure why dez feels the way she feels like I know why but I can never know to what extent because I'm not her. I'm gonna need for her to a relateable story for me to understand because all the ones she's given me so far just don't add up.

I feel bad because we where all a group. We could all hangout and have girl time, now it's just awkward. I don't know if it's me that's feel this way or if it is! Either way I just want Dez to go her separate way or talk Liz or something like I'm just beginning to feel like I'm cheating on Liz lol

I had to blog about this because it's beginning to bother me and talking to dez it doing nothing but going in circles and I feel like it's not my place to say anything to liz but now it's starting to affect me so I am but I figured if I wrote it down and got it off my chest even if I don' talk to Liz about it later today she'll see this blog and know how I feel at least kinda and leave it at that. But I don't think I'm gonna not talk to her about it I think I'm gonna speak my peace because I just can't take it anymore. Like as a Pisces I take on the energy around me and this is wearing me out.

I'm sorry Dez if this offends you any kinda way because I'm not trying to. Like I'm really confused and idk what to do, so probably after this blog I probably just separate the two, I wish I didn't have two, but I guess I do.


soconfused
<3miachennel<3