At An Impasse

So i kno its been a really long time since my last blog but i just didnt really have much to blog about at the time, but recently i've been thinking a lot about my life and like the title says im at an impasse.

i can honestly say that in my entire life i have never lived without some kind of plan for the future no matter how abstract it may have been i've always had at least a general idea where i was headed. but now im in a place where i have no clue where i want to end up. its like every time over the past few years that i thought i had a plan it either fell through or imploded. i feel like im standing at fork in the road with more possible paths then i can count.

when i was in high school i knew that by now i would be interning at a PR firm and getting ready to graduate in a year or so. but as i sit here im no closer to that goal. if anything im even further from it than i was then.

when i decided to go to B.I.C i just knew that by now i would have graduated and been working at a restaurant or something in either Miami or New York but yet i still find myself sitting in my grandmother's house rotting my life away.

its come to the point where i just dont kno whats left for me my gut tells me that i need to go back to school the other day i requested applications from a few colleges. but deep down i dont even think that any of them will accept me and if they dont then thats just gonna be a couple hundred dollars in app. fees, transcripts, and test score reports that i wasted with no outcome.

then even if they do accept me im worried that i wont have enough credits to not be considered a freshman i kno it probably sounds dumb but after going through 2 years of school (even though they were for total opposite degrees) my pride just wont let me be a freshman again i can do, not to mention i cant add 4 more years worth of debt onto myself.

it just seems like every possible path i can take leads to either a dead end or another impasse. I have never been this confused in my life.

Then i look at my family people who have always put so much stock into what i was gonna be when i grew up. they have always had these huge lofty expectations for me and i feel like im not living up to them. i feel like I'm letting them all down and that really hurts. i mean i cant even count the number of times in my life that i was told that i was gonna be the one that "made it". i heard it so much that i even bought into that bull shit myself. hell my grand mother named me Justin McCallister Dutton because she always said it would look nice on my briefcase. i just dont kno

i feel like maybe i just need to pick a path and jump but im worried if i do that would leave me worse off then i am now.