For as long as I been alive, nobody has ever told me I deserved something. Yesterday Troy told me that he hopes I get a nice car once we get out taxes or our lawsuit money that I get a nice car cuz he thinks I deserve it. Like I was taken back by what ye said, and my first reaction was to say no I don't cuz nobody has ever told me that I deserve something, like I say it all the time but I never mean it, but to hear someone else say it and mean it, it warmed my heart. And it made me happy!!! He also told me he knew how much it meant to me to have a car and he's right like I am about to shed happy tears cuz he cares and he does know how I feel! Like I will admit of course Troy can be an asshole he'll tell you himself, but normally when Troy talks about how I feel it's normally cuz I told him first, but this time he knew b4 I told him =) like he knew in my heart how much getting a car and being independant means to me. Like I am so thankful for him cuz he knows how to cheer me up and I feel the most down. Like I was just sitting here at work bored when I thought about yesterday and how he made me happy! Like I love him so much and sometimes he makes me feel warm and fuzzy so I wanted to happy blog about Troy and not a sad one!!!
Decemberlist
This is what i want for christmas/my birthday/ new years.
Tomfoolary!!!
..............which is what I've done since monday lol...I've been with Brittnie and I can honestly say that I enjoyed myself. We didn't really do anything but geek and stuff but it was really fun! We didn't fight or get smart or act jealous or anything! of course I missed spending time with my dezzy but I think it might have been worth and I still talked to her and stuff. And of course, Brittnie kept bring up Eric but I need to start calling her on the girl she talk to!! Let Thou Without Sin Cast The First Stone!
curly hair!?!?
I've never seen my hair curly until now! Let me find out its a curl pattern hiding under all that frizz lol.
(This is a close up of some of my hair hanging out of a braid, the straight part is not mine)
I swear, ever since I moved here, I've been waiting for the day I could finally be the only person in charge of my hair. My mom made it easy. But when I moved in with my dad side of the family all of a sudden it was like instead of just some easy effortless task, it was like I was under an examination table with a team of doctors and nurses:
"What do we do with it?"
"How often should we perm it?"
"Who is going to do it every day?"
"She's got a good grade of hair, but its overprocessed. Get her a kiddie perm"
"Her hair is underprocessed. Its probably time for an adult perm"
and blah blah blah etc.
Of course no one consults me through any of this. I was like some hair science experiment.
I always absolutely HATED how people who gave me a relaxer always overlapped it from root to end, over previously relaxed hair when CLEARLY it says not to do that! "Well thats how everyone always does it and thats how you get it straight" the girl would say when I told her not to do that. I was like well its my hair if I don't want relaxer on my ends I shouldn't have to get relaxer on my ends. My hair always came out in chunks in the days following a relaxer and it made me angry that I had to deal with the results of everyone else's actions. Especially since my hair isn't thick to begin with so losing hair BLOWS extra hard. I had to cut my own split ends with a pair of scissors and a mirror because no one knew to do it for me ... ugh the frustration haha. FYI family who means well: Anytime I get a crimson red rinse dye (the one thing I actually asked for) and my hair turns a random shade of pink that is a sign it was already chemically abused!!
I NEED TO RELAX
I don't know why I'm so obsessive. I can't tell if its mood swings or what but I'm always so high strung. I cant figure out wtf is wrong with me I am never like this. Its like I am always thinking these crazy thoughts about things that are going on behind my back. I keep dreaming about motifs of losing control. If i have one more dream about my car being stolen!!!
I ask God for marriage
So, when it comes to reading, I am highly influenced. I just got done reading this book called, "Drama in the Church" and dispite the drama, it had a very good under lying message and that was if you ask and you shall recieve. Now all my life when I pray I always thought it was selfish to pray for myself, so I always pray for everyone else's well being and either not mention me, or mention me last. But i realized that how can I ask God for something if I never pray for it. And the one thing that I realized that I want it to be married. I realized that my consious must be huge because there are very few things that I do without feeling bad about. Like I love sex, it is my true weakness. Out of all the seven deadly sins, Lust is my fall point. (hmmm maybe I should ask God for the strength to grown out of my lustful ways) I love having sex with Troy, but sometimes in the back of my mind I feel bad no matter how good or bad the sex was I feel bad after the act was commited. But last night was kinda different. We had sex, and I was in control. When I have sex with my bf I don't like to be in control, but (this was when I used to cheat) when I have sex with just a ONS, I'll be in control because I love the power that it gives me. I love to hear them say all kinds of dirty things that they say they'd never say. I love to control my muscles down there and send shivers up and down there spines, I LOVE THE POWER THAT MY PUSSY HOLDS OVER THEM!!! It made me feel alive!!!! Like for a brief moment, even thought I was stuffed up and congested, I felt clear and open, and powerful! Now to Troy, it may have looked like I wasn't into it at all but, in my mind, I was feeling all the power I had, how weak he seemed to me, I felt a way I havent felt in years... It was like a drug. It was my high... it was everything that I could have ever wanted. (sry Troy lol)
Now, you may wonder how this has anything to do with God, Well I'll tell you this. I am a sex addict. I love sex as I mentioned before, but I was raised in the church so I kind of have this internal conflict cuz I love to lust and fornicate, but I worry about where my soul will rest for enternity seeing as thought tomarrow is never promised.
Strange? I know... lol
I have been keeping my sex addict under wraps lately, seeing as though I am with Troy and we just had our son together. So sex hasn't really been on my mind because I am tired and adjusting to life with 2 kids. But that still doesn't stop my pussy from throbbing every night and it doesn't stop my pussy from getting wet, but I noticed what does stop me from having sex like I want to tired or not tired, is the fact that Troy doesn't do things that will make my water go from a stream to a lake if you get what I mean... But I think I'll be able to cope with that seeing as thought my new drug is not cumming, which it was when I am with my bf, but instead making him weak to my pussy powers. Doing things to him that will leave him lusting me long after he's sleep, to make him go into an instant coma after he let himself go.
I think I am done, putting my addiction on snooze, its awake now, and it's on the prowl... I can't wait until tonight when I can get another hit from my drug
hmmmm.......... maybe I will take Troy up on his offer of getting a girlfriend, I can't sleep with guys, but he didn't say I couldn't sleep with a girl...
Back to the topic, I pray to God for marriage because I know then, and only then will I be contained, I'll be the perfect little housewife, and freaky little closet freak in the room, but for now, I'm too wild, and it's getting harder and harder to contain myself, but if Troy's willing to help and step out of the box, I'm sure this cat will become the little kitten he's used to
=)
Until next time,
~Mia~
Retard Bunny
Dez ,fail bitch slut, was doing this dumb dance and I named it retard bunny cause that's what it looks like! Anyway, nothing much has been going on that pissed me off which is why I haven't blogged. I am determined to be more mature and therefore I am not blowing up on everybody who pisses me off! However, I do have a new boo in my life! and he does fit the characteristics I pre-mentioned!
2.Idk what he does but he has a song on itunes and whatever and he's really good so I know that he will make money soon! And I'm happy cause it means I don't have to support him!
3.DEZ and BRINA APPROVE!!!!! YEAH!!! and I'm sure all my other friends will too! like he is a really nice guy!
4.He's 6'1 (I know thats funny cause I'm only 5'0 but whatever) and charming and I haven't seen him sick so I'm going to assume he is healthy....and he has pretty eyes!! They're light brown!!! AWW!!! And idk if we are on the same intelligence level but he's in school so I will assume he is!
age dont have shit to do with maturity
yeah so ive been dealing with drama and childish ass adults over the past couple of days..
but i just wanna say werent we all told that blood is suppose to be thicker than water? like arent u suppose to take care of your family first and foremost at least thats what i thought. the simple fact that members of my fam would side with a unimportant jackass over there own blood is sad.
ok so a little back story my cousin baby father is an ass and for some reason certain members of fam wanna take his side and start shit.
but then to make things worse the one person in my family that is always calling other people (reguardless of age) a child is the one that acted the most childish. because seriously what grown person is gonna wanna:
- talk shit about someone on facebook like seriously.
- not only that but put a person name in it
on top of that why the hell would u wanna air all you bussiness out there anyway. but i gotta the most fucked thing of all is after all this shit they went and deleted anybody in our fam (that waasnt on there side) from their facebook pages like thats really gonna hurt somebody
so basically i just wanna say here people that think they are grown really need to grow the fuck up.
Jay Out
When I grow up
When I grow up I will be fucked up mentally. I've realized that today and I have come to terms with it. At this stage in my life, developmentally, I should be experiencing life through trial and error. But instead I am raising a family and being broke and having to spend money on someone other than myself, which is something someone my age shouldn't be doing.
I live paycheck to paycheck, And if it wasn't with Troy I'd probably be assed out because he pays for everything for me. I hate it. I am sooooo used to doing for myself, last year I was doing me, taking care of me and everything. Now I am sooo behind. I feel like I can't catch up. Everything drives me crazy, I'm stressed beyond belief and I feel like I don't have no escape like I just wanna scream!!! But I can't because I'm a parent. Parent don't do that, Parents just deal with it. But I am also a teenager.
I always feel like I am having this internal conflict, one minute I wanna be grown because I have to be because I'm a mom, I am like a wife, I'm everything but what I wanna be. I wanna be a free spirited young teenager, that can go out and party and flirt with people and hangover people house, and do everything that I can't because I have 2 kids. And it doesn't help that my mother who normally would help me isn't. And I'm not talking financially, I'm talking like just watching them. She can't watch both of my children at the same time, and it bothers me. It bothers me that she makes it seem like the littlest things that happen to her (like Melanie spilling juice) is the end of the world. But if I make a big deal about my uncle saying that I should take my kids somewhere else to be watched instead of her watching them, that her sugar wouldn't have dropped, but when I saw that being offensive, I was taking it too personally!! This coming from the same uncle that when I was pregnant with Melanie, would speak to everybody in the room but not saw a word or even look my way. Some things, people just don't forget.
I already know that when I get older I will revert back to being a teenager, because I was never really a teenager. I am about 90% sure this will happen, but I will try my damnedest for it to not happed.
So back to me being stressed. I am so stressed and I don't get any sleep. I feel like I do so much, and I feel so under appiecated. I feel like what I do is expected. And that if I don't do it, than I am not doing my job. Like I'm so tired of people telling me about being a mother. And what mothers do. Because I do a fucking lot!!! A damn lot!!!!! And I am so tired of people just minding my business, and trying to put their input on my shit when they don't know shit about me.
I am just tired. I am tired of everything. Never in my life have I ever been as mad as I was at Melanie earlier. I felt like I could've killed her. I was sooooooo angry so pissed off, I've never felt that way towards her, and its killing me cuz i feel like I've only felt this way because I'm tired and stressed. I don't really wanna talk to anybody about it because I don't wanna hear anyones 2 cents.
I also feel like I'm doing all of this alone. I feel like Troy's just the money of it. I feel like I do everything else. And after I do everything, I'm tired and then he's mad at me because I don't have sex with him. But I feel like if he was proactive, and maybe did something for me without me telling him I wouldn't be as tired cuz some stuff would be done. I get so tired of telling him to do something. Why do I have to always ask you? your here just like I am right? So why do I have to tell you what needs to be done, you see it just as well as I do. So what's stopping you? you need someone to boss you around? why? I'm your girlfriend not your mother it's not my job to tell you what to do. That's why I just do it myself.
I'm just so tired, and frustrated and broke, I want another job, but that's another process. I'm like so done with everything!!!!! I am I'm just so done. I feel like I'm alone and lost and I don't have no one to talk to, cuz the person I normally talk to never answers her phone when I call cuz she's too busy doing everything else, so I'm just done. I'll be the adult I am supposed to me and suck it up and put a smile on my face and act like nothings bother me. That way at least everyone else around me will be happy. That's the most important part right? Because I know that I am not gonna be happy no time soon, everything that did make me happy is gone. Everyone I used to talk to is no longer giving a listening ear, so why bother. Why plague everyone else with my misery? It's not their problems it's mines.
~Mia~
Who are you? Your random!
Spoiled, Rebel, Clueless, Smart, Suburban, Goody Two Shoes, Addict, Class Skipper, looking back these are just a couple of roles I've held between now and high school. And I still haven't found myself. Its like I'm always going through a phase but sometimes I wonder when will I actually be who I'm supposed to be. I know I'm a late bloomer in the truest sense of the word, but it just seems like everyone around me is already sure of who they are but me. Lisandra is like, just Lisandra and we all know what to expect from her and what she likes and what she doesn't like. Mia is sure of who she is and no one is going to tell her differently. But me I'm just everything and unpredictable and unsure. I join groups and start projects and then get bored of them and it never seems like I can carry anything fully through. Sometimes I get called flaky which is unfair, I just might be overly spontaneous. I wish I could figure out why I just all of a sudden go through these phases and changes because its like I can't control them. I honestly like don't decide to go through a phase, they just come. And EVERY time I notice I'm in a new phase I think that's the me I'm going to stay my entire life but it isn't I always end up going through another new phase.
and your point is?
Some people in my life are always trying to say something to me as if they wanna scare me, and I'm thinking your point is? One thing I hate the most that a lot of people do even me sometimes but I try not to do it a lot is be a hypocrite. I hate them because they say one thing but do the exact opposite. Like how is it that people with kids are always trying to tell me about having kids. Like yes I know you can't go out all the time and I don't if I go out I take Melanie and Caleb and we keep on truckin. I don't understand how someone with kids who goes out at least once or twice a month gonna tell me that I'm not owed time because I am a parent. For starters.... fuck you!!!! And furthermore, FUCK YOU HARDER!!!!!!!!!! I take care of mines and My children father's are there to help me too!!! So don't go and try to rain on my parade because your first baby daddy cheated on you and your second played your ass and you still had 3 of his kids!!! So who need to go and jump off a cliff? YOU DO!! Cause clearly you can't find a good man even if he was in front of you and he is!!!! Like I really can't stand people who are miserable with they life and try to scare people and make false accusations against them. Like really I take care of BOTH of mines and I have no problem (even tho sometimes I may complain) taking Melanie and Caleb out with me and having fun!! If anybody knows me like truly know me, I take Melanie everywhere and I always incorporate her in it. I always make fun for her and I go broke for her taking her places and buying her things, so seriously go fuck yourself cuz you don't know shit!!! And the other person who clearly wants to be failed... like she defiantly doesn't know shit, but commenting on my status like for one I'm not gonna listen to you because I don't forget anything!! especially someone who tried to shun me because I was fifteen and pregnant!!! Look at me now bitch!!!!!!! At least I didn't have my kids within a year of each other!!! HA you fail hella hard!!!!!!!!
This just pisses me off to the highest level of pisstivity like I feel like they get mad cuz I'm doing my thing and making moves!! Like how can someone want someone else to fail in life, like I would never wish for someone to fail in life cuz that's not me, I wish the best for anyone even if I don't like you!! I wish you the best but ugh I just don't understand people they just do some off the dumbest things ever!!!!
Highly pissed and frustrated,
~Mia~
Full Moon
I swear to goodness today is the 3rd full moon I've seen over the past 3 days. So I decided to dedicate my status to it because I love full moons so much happens on full moons and I love when the sky is nice and clear and bright because of the moon.
So first off... I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT LISANDRA PUT ME OUT THERE LIKE THAT!!! Actually I do believe and I'd love to see this for myself lol
SO TODAY I MET MY TWIN!!!!!! I swear!!!!!! We don't look alike but we act just alike!!! Like I've known her a week and we are already finishing our sentences and everything!! Like we kinda have the same family situations, like not the kids but something else!!! Like we even said that this one teacher named Ms. Harden is cute!!! I swear like 2mar is her last day and I don't want to see her go :( I'm like really sad cuz I met my twin I don't want her to leave!!!
I'm happy cuz I've had fun today like all the ppl in my class by us was talking and I got to talk to (friendly of course) my girl crush in my class. Idk why but I just think she is soooo effin cute and nice and friendly ugh I love to like her from a distance :)
Plus I got a 100 on my skills (respiration, pulse, temp, height weight) I'm like uber happy cuz Now I am in my second section and officially moving on :) It's true when they say it moves fast cuz this section has moved fast too I'm just happy.
Another thing I've noticed is that we've changed a lot since we started blogging over a year ago. Like Troy and dez used to be close and now they are now where near close lol, But one thing hasn't change and that's my always sad blogs, I am gonna stop blogging sad and blog when I am both happy sad, bored what ever so u can see more of me then just a depressed person
until next time
~Mia~
I AM PISSED OFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People piss me off so much which is why I do not become attached to them!! And then I keep falling back into the same stupid trap!! Like honestly!! Am I really that dumb!! I mean I know that I cute and smart and all that good stuff so why do I keep getting involved with these butthole!!
EXSIBIT A: Greg
He randomly comes into my life every so often, we fall and in love again and then we never talk!! What is up with that?! He always causes chaos and then I can’t reach him and I am left alone again!!! And then he calls me up like everything is my fault!! He’s the one who doesn’t answer his phone or reply to myspace messages and all that other stuff! I honestly DO NOT know why I even try!!!
EXHIBIT B: Brittnie
She is an ass in her own way! She claims she loves me but she treats me like shit! She only spends time with me before she goes to mess with some female! Man forget that!! And then she’s going to have sex with her ex! UGH! You don’t know how that annoys me! I mean really though? Like I honestly DO NOT like that female and Brittnie was always talking about she wouldn’t go back to her but clearly we ALL see she will!!
EXHIBIT C: I’ll not put his name
So the dude I had sex with is also an ass! He’s immature and really needs to grow up! like we sat in the same room in totally silence since he’s not talking to me over a rumor that I didn’t even start or continue! You can’t get mad at me cause everyone found out your little secret! UGH!!!! So frustrating! I mean just get over it!! And now I’m angry I even did anything with him and I should have just took my butt home like I intended to!
So I am declaring it officially! If you want to be my man, you need to fulfill the following characteristics:
1.you must be older then me- the male species has been proven to mature slower then females therefore I want one that is already ripe :D
2.you must have a JOB! And not just any job but you MUST make money- I’m not a gold digger or anything but I do like to go out and go out to eat plus I have always been spoiled by my mom and I have NO reason to try and stop now!
3.my friends MUST approve-so far my friends have always been right and I have just been too dumb to listen! This ends now!! If my friends don’t like you, I don’t like you!!!! I repeat I DO NOT LIKE YOU!!! DO NOT!!! DO NOT!!!!!!
4.you must be tall, charming, healthy (I like cubby boys and I do not know what when I am the smallest thing in the world) and you must have pretty eyes…that doesn’t mean they have to be a unique color but they do need to be unique like really big or really small. We must also be on the same intelligence level! Please do not try if your GPA is not at least a 3.0 (you can add a street smarts score to that…for example greg’s GPA would be a 3.0 cause he gets 1.7 for his streets smart lol)
5.I still love my girls so al of these things apply to you except the age thing…I’ll mess with a girl my own age however be in your real ish! Don’t think I will go easier on you just cause you’re a girl cause I will only judge you harder!
I know I sound like a female dog but I DON’T care! I am so tired of dealing with nonsense! I wish Dez was a guy so I could be with her and live happily ever after!! And furthermore, I am tired of people thinking dezzy is gay! SHE IS NOT!! WE ARE NOT HAVING SEX!!! I can have female friends with out having sex with them (except Mia, cause I’ma hit that lol).
ApplicationsCurrentlyBeingAccepted
Becky Out
Ain't It Funny?
I find it really interesting when people claim they could care less about me and what I do but bring things up that prove they stalk me. For example, people who comment on post left on my page directed towards ME! Clearly you had to be on my page to see it and then you comment about you think its stupid but it wasn't for you! OR people who bring stuff up that I post in this blog! OMG! How do you even know about this blog and further more, we have over 100 blogs, why do you take the time to read them all?! I wouldn't even reread them! People just blow me! Like they blow me better then superhead!!! And like these same people go out of their way to avoid me. Personally, I don't care if you don't speak to me or whatever. Trust me, you ain't hurt nobody but yourself. But for people to just sit there and stare and stare and stare and then say things like I ain't looking at you, I was thinking....or they stare and look sad and I feel like yelling WHAT?! but instead I keep to myself! I just wonder WHY?! Like why torture yourself instead of just saying something. I need an explaination. Personally, I know I intimadate some people because of the way I carry myself and thats ok. If you got to know me, you would know I am not that chick! I just thought that was so funny...the things people do.
Anyway, I'm going to stop cussing cause that is NOT lady like...I realized I use the b-word in every phrase (shut up B, you fail a$$ B...the list continues) and that is NOT cool. Personally, I know I want a husband who can take care of me and love me and not expect me to produce 6 babies and all that good stuff (with pretty eyes of course) and inorder to find that I need to change my behavior. I will figure out how!!!
MoreToCome
Sandra Out
Please Don't leave
I love that P!nk song!!!!
Like in the chorus she says "I always say how I don't need you/ but it's always gonna come back to this/ please, don't leave me"
I'm always saying I don't need Troy, we are always bumping heads about something, like another part of the song, "How did I become so obnoxious?/ What is it with you that makes me act like this?/ I've never been this nasty"
I feel like I wasn't this nasty before, like I love Troy and he's always there for me. Like yesterday at work we was talking about having a girl friends is expensive. That he has to put out like 30 percent of his paycheck towards me. lol I was laughing because he does... He's always paying for something for me giving me money for something, and I wanna say right now that I am VERY THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE FOR ME!!! Especially last night... which leads me to this.
Ok so my mother sugar dropped last night to 54 which is very low for a diabetic. She was unconscious but alert the lady told me ( I had to call 911 cuz she managed to say help me even tho she wasn't conscious) It was soooooo scary but the strange thing was her sugar has dropped lower than that before and this crazy thing hasn't happened to her. I was so scared and my adrenaline was pumping and I had to do what I had to do, like the imagine of her gurgling and moaning because she wasn't conscious scared the shit out of me. Melanie was crying I had to have her leave the room, like I had to get into my superwoman mode! and I did and I'm happy I was there cuz idk what would've happened if I wasn't there. But Troy was there and helped by opening the door for them and they came upstairs and was totally calm even tho I was "wiggin" out as Troy would say. I'm happy cuz Melanie was being a good girl and she stayed put and watched Caleb, and I called my brother cuz I know he would want to know that something was happening. It was just a crazy night cuz I had just had a bad dream before I woke up. And I'm just so thankful to God that she's ok. And after she came thru I felt very bad that I didn't pray to God (at least I don't remember praying) and asking to make sure she's ok. But I thanked him as soon as this caught my attention and I am thanking him now as I post this blog. It was just a crazy night like I was so happy that I'd get an extra hour of sleep and I didn't lol but its ok cuz I had to be there for My mother and I am happy that I was there.
Other than that, I've been ok, still stressing but I'm trying not to. I am gonna start to loose weight and get better because I am too young to be having these problems.
Until next time
~Mia~