So I thought

I thought that today would be a normal day. Started of kinda slow then my emotions got the best of me. And this is how it started.

So I felt the need to vent to my best friend how I felt she was neglecting me. How she always have time for people in school but never me. I felt out of the loop, she always talks about the parties they go to and the fun times they have while I, sit home every night anxiously waiting for the weekend to come so I can see the love of my life. I was angry because she has fun and I don't. I was angry because I was apart of it, just like in high school, she had fun while I went home. I was angry because I'm lonely and she's not. Not that I wish she was lonely, I just wish she was here with me and me not being lonely.

When reflecting as I do when I'm angry, I noticed that its always been that way. Her with her other friends whom which became my friends in the end, laughing and joking while I may laugh on the outside, on the inside I'm lonely. Lonely because I feel like I don't belong with them. All of them beautiful and intelligent, and me not so smart and not really beautiful. I felt alone.

All my life I felt alone. Since childhood, I've felt alone, growing up the only girl, growing up playing alone, growing up teaching myself. But nonetheless, alone.

Normally when I feel alone I just normally, go to my boyfriend, but in this case, I can't even talk to him.

So I thought today, we'd chat, we'd laugh and we'd have fun. We did for the most part of tonight. Until an incident came where the question was forcibly raised, are you, or was you attempting to cheat on me. Starring me in my face evidences that could put someone behind bars but yet, he said no. Thoughts are racing through my head... Is he? Why? Everything I could ever think of, and yet, he's quite. He says no and that's it. No push no force just no. So why not push for it, why not fight for it, why be silent. We talked, and I cried, I thought and I cried. So I believed him. But why can't I stop crying? Why does it hurt so bad, if it wasn't him? Why?

So we text, he tells me he feels bad because he (tho never attempting to do so) wants to or wanted to or wished he had sex with other people. Not just me. And that makes me feel like shit. Me wishing everyday that I could give him my virginity, wanting to be with him forever and have his children, and he secretly wishes he slept with other people. The hurting part is that, I said this before, but yet he denied it. Now he thinks it, two hours away at school and he thinks that. And that hurts. To know that while I'm here living for his return, reliving every moment we spend together on the weekend, and he wishes that he had sex with other people. I feel like shit. I feel like I've been lied to. I give my all to something I don't want to be like the other relationships I had, I want this to last be honest and true and he lied to me. He lied about the way he feel.

I'm hurt. I feel like the people I look to most don't like me anymore. I feel alone. I feel drained, I feel like everything I gave my energy to, took it all from me.

I feel worthless
I feel unloved
I feel lied to
I feel like shit

I feel like I can't even describe. I'm sitting here replaying everything and it hurts. I wanna just block myself from everyone and be left alone.