i think i'm bipolar

but thats another story.

fukai mori / deep forest

I wish I was little again ... life is great being an adult but i feel so nostalgic about my childhood years. Talk about somethine you'll never get back ....

I mean I will never be a kid again. I am almost 18 ... all the stuff I have been looking forward to my whole life is almost here and it's just hitting me so fast. I mean I really do miss super small things that I know won't be the same:

• having my bedroom ... my bedroom was like an extension of myself ... now its all empty kind of like a museum
  

• curling up late at night to watch inuyasha in my little brothers' room. That show was probably my favorite show of all time at one point ... back when being up at 12:30 midnight was something i had to sneak and do because my grandmother would tell me go to bed because i have to go to school in the morning

• wearing a uniform to school. Yes, I do miss wearing a school uniform.

• how I made a big deal presenting to my grandmother about how I really wanted to buy Pokemon Ruby and a new gameboy advance and how it worked and how the day I got it I played it all day and how much I loved it

• daydreaming!!! I'll always be a daydreamer, but these days my daydreaming gets interrupted or I have to think about something important. I miss the days when daydreaming always led to a really good project or story to undertake

• I miss getting passionate about small things that have no significance, like my myspace page which i just basically deleted

Oh well. Moving on ... now I can do what I want sooo its a fair trade off

sit back relax enjoy the show ow ow

i wish i could fast forward through the week to the weekend. ugh. i like anticipation but sometimes it can be a bitch waiting for something that you cant wait to happen already ... like the WEEKEND
... stupid mon-fri in the way of my weekends.

Dolphin Rapes Swimmer...Swimmer Escapes

I have recently been disturbed to know that dolphins do indeed attempt to rape humans. While when I watched the TV program with Denny (who's sources of information are always questionable), I wondered was it true. Google confirmed it...Dolphins have attempted to mate with humans. Is it that all animals really do just live to have sex and reproduce regardless of where they stick it??? Or is it just the female of each species?? I think the second is clearly the answer I went with. In psychology today, my teacher told us the name of the date rape drug and it's effects on the human body (I will keep it out of this since anyone who can google has access to this blog). It is amazing how someone can be in a coma like stage while their body is used and abused and they just have to get up the next day to be judge about why they didn't do anything. I want all of you to be save because you never know...you too could one day be floating in the water while a 400 pound dolphin with 12 inch penis attemps to mate with you

Da da da, da, da, da, Da da da da da da, da da da da, da da da da.

Okay, so the title is from Britney Spears song, which I love. And it has significance to this blog because it's what my friend Chris Pesto aka Pesto Sauce plays when we pre-game. (LOL). So last night, I bought hella shit at the mall and I'm angry because I wasn't supposed to. But I did buy these killer converses at Journey's.

 

They were on sale for 54.99!! Yaay! Lol. Oh and I bought like 5 shirts for 8 dollars at Old Navy because they have this killer 75% off sale. Oh, and I bought new fragrances from Victoria's secret. 3 for 25! (Gosh I love bargains). Anywho, after we left the mall, we need to go to Pesto's to pregame. Sooooo much better than the actual party. Like, the party was too fucking crowded and it wasn't even supposed to be that many people there cuz I knew the people that were throwing it. But bitches always invite people that don't belong. I only went cuz there was no marathon this week. So we went to 128 instead. Bad idea.

So we left. Me and Nneka peed in some bushes (LOL) and then we went to Kimmel at like 1 in the morning (Kimmel is this dining place). And we had burger king and talked about masturbation LOL. Then we left (yeah some night). I was drunk and tired anyway. I had two pimp goblets of vodka tonic. (My pimp goblet was a cup that was shaped like a woman's body. Me and Nneka bought them at the 99 cent store, LOL). 

But all-in-all, Im kind of glad I went and didn't embarrass myself. I was angry Mike wasn't there but it was generals this weekend and he probably got a call-back (generals is when all the upper classmen audition for shows). Gaahhhhhhhh I wish I could stop being a dousche and talk to him. But oh well. I believe in fate so if it's supposed to happen, it will (even though I'm a indeterminist) haha. 

ghetto cancer

Ugh. There is a ghetto cancer spreading all over this campus and it started in AMR I, which is MY DORM BUILDING!!! omgg. check out the sequence of events::

0. the soda machine in our building took my money the first day
1. one of our dryers stops working, then the one next to it.
2. the card swiper in our laundry room stops working so you can only use the machines with coins (what!?)
3. someone breaks one of the toilets in AMR II
4. we have a fire drill and since then our turnstiles stop working so anyone can just walk into our building
5. our laundry room closes for a day
6. the printer in the library stops working with .docx files for a day (WTH)
7. none of the dryers in my building spin anymore - they only blow air (WTH)

as you can see from the sequence of events the ghetto cancer disease clearly started in the AMR I basement. AMR I is now totally ghetto - the laundry room doesnt work, the turnstiles dont work, and there is no soda. it spread to AMR II and the library and before you know it all of the buildings will have the ghetto cancer. what next...

There Will Be...Ups and Downs

in case you have been missing my life, me and brittnie totally broke up over some bull and like I
am totally depressed so I needed to spend quality time with my best friend and twin dezeray. I totally missed her like in massive amounts and now we're spending quality time together and I'm typing on her laptop....YEAH!!! twin time all the way....so I came over and she saw me and she said I was curvy...umm CURVES!!! adn dez looks amazing...like she grew like 2 inches...WTF!!! and she randomly has boobs now! RANDOMLY!!! lmao

Anyway, in my life like I totally like school and its kinda amazing now except my wickity wack spanish teacher!! she wildin on me cause I can't declare a major and therefore I can't write a paper on it! ugh!! I really do not like her...but she's really cool and I kinda like her class. Also we are always talking Obama! Like today, we were talking about the debate and she was talking about Len the Plumber and about how she changed her facebook status to "Forget Len...call Juan"...it wasn't really funny but it kinda was. But only cause she's mexican. And like she's always off topic. Like she always talks about weird stuff that happened in her life before she came to our class and then we never get to our lesson plan...lol

What else?? so I guess you guys are wonder why we really broke up. {hope I don't start crying} Like she really wanted to have an open relationship and I agreed to it but I really didn't want to do it but I wanted to save our relationship so I said ok. But I was really unhappy with the relationship and the direction that it was taking and like in a way I'm kinda happy we did break up. Like I really wish we could restart from nothing and just get to know each other...like chill and what-not...:( if only one could rewind the hands of time. But I really miss her and I keep making dez answer my phone when she calls cause I might just break down and die...ugh

Well....thats really all for now...this is my amazing first blog

since when did i become the rational one

Ok, so i've always been one to be totally understanding of every person, every situation, and be open to all kinds of people. I know how diverse the world is. I also pay attention to history (jasmine remember the 180 you made in college? i made one too. i realized i love history. big time.) and I notice patterns - concepts and social norms and things that seem so well established become anachronistic against proliferating modern values. So I am probably the most understanding person there is on the planet. I can always see where everyone is coming from.

I love being someone that people can go to. I feel really idk, fulfilled when someone's venting to me. I take a personal interest. The only thing is, i can ALWAYS understand both sides of the situation. It's not a matter of taking sides, it's a matter of eliminating misunderstanding. So when my best friend for ever and my big brother by blood (not genetically, i only have two real little brothers and they are la luz de mi vida, i just call troy my "big brother by blood") are having a misunderstanding and I am in the middle, I take a personal interest in trying to fix the situation.

Here's the deal. I understand both of them. both of them are completely right in the context of their situations. In the beginning I told Troy that he was not doing anything wrong and I was glad he told me thats how he felt, and it was fine that he felt bad about it, but it happens all the time and theres nothing he can do about it. I told him to tell mia about it and they could work it out. But of course he thinks its against his values so instead he tries to pretend his urges dont exist so they will go away.

the thing about . ignoring bad things is that sometimes they don't go away. if something is persistent it won't go away. I know this for a fact because I'm one of those people who ignore things until they go away. like chemistry. i ignore it until it goes away. im telling myself i cant do that because it wont. like the whole situation with troy comes up anyway and mia is hurt by it.

Mia on the polar opposite end of the spectrum, I understand completely. Of course she is going to feel hurt because in her words she felt like there was nothing she could do. he is being greedy when she is doing everything and anything. why on earth would you want more? I feel like any guy who has all of that and isnt 110% satisfiied has serious greed issues. And above all she feels lied to. Which I can see, because she brought it up several times. And everytime he denied it, which I can also see because if I were him i would not have said something like that either.

So I'm blown. I can see why both of them feel the way they do. I really I gave them the best advice I could and try to get them to understand each other. Neither of them did anything wrong! I am happy that they have sorted things out - I'm rooting for a solution that would serve them both best in the long run. I was happy today to hear from troy and mia that they think the situation is more or less solved .

i mean when i heard some of the fears each of them had about the other when i know the truth ... i just wanted to dive right in and save them you know. hes worried that she will leave him. shes worried that he doesnt care. i know first hand that he cares just as much, if not more, than she does, and i also know that the absolute LAST thing mia would do is want to leave her penguin.

so idk i just had to blog this cause i had an objective perspective of the whole thing as it was unfolding. and i want them both to know i'm there for them as individuals, because im really rational and loyal. no matter what. i'm always going to be here for the people i love.

~ maybe i am hopelessly immature, but i've had a lot of experiences in life that make me able to think broadly and synthesize solutiona. dont hesitate to get my opinion guys - its up to you whether or not you think its good, but it's guarenteed to be valid.~

OMG AFTER ALL I SAID THATS ALL YOU HEAR???

ok after all i said she only wants to hear the bad part. So she finds something i must have signed up for (and i still dont remember when this happened) but what ever. So she said i lied to her.I dont think i did. I told her no i dont think of having sex with other people and no i dont. I mean she has my virginity and she is the only one i will ever have sex with. No i would be lie if i said i never thought about whats the difference. And even then i feel really bad about it. So i told dezeray to get her take on it and shes like oh it normal it happens all the time you should tell her so yall can find a solution. and i say ,no cuz in think all that is still cheating even if it is an agreement i feel as though im hers and she is mine so i'll just deal with it. So tonight she thinks im cheating on her online? WOW i would never that disrespectful to me and her. so i sent her this text to try and she how i dont want anybody online so i send her this message.


This reminds me when i told dezeray about how i feel so bad cuz sometimes i wish i had had sex with more ppl and she told me to just tell you cuz its common but i feel thats cheating so i thought to myself i have everything i could ever want in you and you do anything for me and i thought to myself i should feel really bad cuz you do anything i ask you to and me feeling this way is just being greedy. And i tell you all this to show you that i have everything i could want in life right now and if the world do end in 2012 i want to be right there beside you and melanie to spend our last moments together cuz i do love yall and i love her as if she was my own daughter.


this is exactly what i said i pretty much poured my heart out and said i want to be with you and you daughter and hopefully our children til the day i die because i love you so much. but all you can think of is the beginning of the message when i used to think about how would it feel with someone else but thats in the past i dont care about that anymore. i want to be yours and only yours but you cant look past that and now you wont trust me like before and i didnt do nothing. i dont even talk to other girls down here with the exception or my lab partner.

But if you dont want to trust me there is nothing i can do. but just ask dez about that convo so she can tell you i was completely against every idea of fucking someone else.

So I thought

I thought that today would be a normal day. Started of kinda slow then my emotions got the best of me. And this is how it started.

So I felt the need to vent to my best friend how I felt she was neglecting me. How she always have time for people in school but never me. I felt out of the loop, she always talks about the parties they go to and the fun times they have while I, sit home every night anxiously waiting for the weekend to come so I can see the love of my life. I was angry because she has fun and I don't. I was angry because I was apart of it, just like in high school, she had fun while I went home. I was angry because I'm lonely and she's not. Not that I wish she was lonely, I just wish she was here with me and me not being lonely.

When reflecting as I do when I'm angry, I noticed that its always been that way. Her with her other friends whom which became my friends in the end, laughing and joking while I may laugh on the outside, on the inside I'm lonely. Lonely because I feel like I don't belong with them. All of them beautiful and intelligent, and me not so smart and not really beautiful. I felt alone.

All my life I felt alone. Since childhood, I've felt alone, growing up the only girl, growing up playing alone, growing up teaching myself. But nonetheless, alone.

Normally when I feel alone I just normally, go to my boyfriend, but in this case, I can't even talk to him.

So I thought today, we'd chat, we'd laugh and we'd have fun. We did for the most part of tonight. Until an incident came where the question was forcibly raised, are you, or was you attempting to cheat on me. Starring me in my face evidences that could put someone behind bars but yet, he said no. Thoughts are racing through my head... Is he? Why? Everything I could ever think of, and yet, he's quite. He says no and that's it. No push no force just no. So why not push for it, why not fight for it, why be silent. We talked, and I cried, I thought and I cried. So I believed him. But why can't I stop crying? Why does it hurt so bad, if it wasn't him? Why?

So we text, he tells me he feels bad because he (tho never attempting to do so) wants to or wanted to or wished he had sex with other people. Not just me. And that makes me feel like shit. Me wishing everyday that I could give him my virginity, wanting to be with him forever and have his children, and he secretly wishes he slept with other people. The hurting part is that, I said this before, but yet he denied it. Now he thinks it, two hours away at school and he thinks that. And that hurts. To know that while I'm here living for his return, reliving every moment we spend together on the weekend, and he wishes that he had sex with other people. I feel like shit. I feel like I've been lied to. I give my all to something I don't want to be like the other relationships I had, I want this to last be honest and true and he lied to me. He lied about the way he feel.

I'm hurt. I feel like the people I look to most don't like me anymore. I feel alone. I feel drained, I feel like everything I gave my energy to, took it all from me.

I feel worthless
I feel unloved
I feel lied to
I feel like shit

I feel like I can't even describe. I'm sitting here replaying everything and it hurts. I wanna just block myself from everyone and be left alone.

I think I'm taking the right path in life =/

Okay so, I know I haven't written in a while but I really don't feel like back-tracking on everything that I wanted to write. So for now, I'll broadcast the things that are fresh in my brain. Well for starters, there are 3 more weeks until my sister comes to visit me and that's number one on the list of things I'm looking forward to:

1. My sister coming to visit
2. Lab on Wed (this is continuous throughout the whole year)
3. Thanksgiving Break
4. Christmas Break
5. Reuniting with my friends back home
6. Judging BCFLs
7. Coming back to see City's play
8. Meeting Taye Diggs
9. GRADUATION! (Haha)

Sooo, that list was rather pointless but I just wanted to give you a sense of where my life is heading right now. But, that's not the issue that I want this blog to focus on. The issue that I want to focus on begun this weekend at Marathon (don't worry, it's nothing bad). So I went to Marathon this weekend which was probably my favorite one next to Opening Marathon because it was 1) drama only and 2) Vegas themed. So I had fun. But okay...So there's this guy in the drama department named Troy. He's a transfer so technically he's like a junior or something. But anyway, that's not important. So he was GONE! Like he had waay to much to drink. Fortunately, I didn't have much (unlike the week before. If you want to know about the week before, it was just like Jock Jam but with more puking). Anywho...So he could not stop touching me all night. Like, Josh had smacked my knee and it hurt SO motherfucking bad so I was bent over in pain so Troy comes behind me and says "I got her I got her" and grabs me by my waist and sits me on his lap.

So I'm like whatever, it's cool I don't care. He starts rubbing on me and shit but I'm like "It's Marathon. Whatever". So right before Milly and Nneka are like, "Let's go. We want Insomnia Cookies" So I'm like YAAAYY cookie! But right after, they get up and Troy grabs my hand and takes me to the little foyer where the bathroom is and I'm like "Oh shit I know what's going to happen" So I'm repeating over and over that I have to go and that they'll eave me and blaahhhh. And he's all like "I don't want you to leave, don't leave blahhhh" All along I'm thinking, this guy is trying to get me in the bathroom (don't worry, it's cool, I know him, lol). So he starts kissing me


TEL ME WHY EVERY MOTHERFUCKER I KISS IT'S LIKE KISSING FISH!!! THEY FUCKING SUCK AT YOUR FACE LIKE IT'S THEIR JOB! GEEEZ! AND HE HAD TO HAVE LIKE HALITOSIS OR SOMETHING! SO I HAD TO STOP KISSING HIM LIKE IT WASN'T AN OPTION! (THE ONLY GUY I KISSED WHO WAS DECENT WAS SOME GUY I MET AT MARATHON WHO HAD HUGE LIPS TO MATCH HIS HUGE DICK. LOL BUT THAT WAS MY SHITFACE NIGHT SO I HARDLY REMEMBER ANYTHING)

So I'm pulling away from him and he's not letting me go. Then the bathroom comes free so he's pulling me in the bathroom and I'm thinking "I can't fuck this guy cuz for one....he has bad breath, two I have to leave now otherwise I'm not going to have a way back home, and three I'm on my period! lol. It was like he wouldn't stop persisting and pulling and I'm ike this dude would rape me if he had to. But this guy saved my life. Like he came and was like "Um, can I take a piss"

So to make a long story short, I left him blue-balled on the couch and went to get Insomnia. And I had to use chapstick because I could smell his breath on my lips lol

The point of this story: So I was thinking. I have like this huge crush on a guy named Mike (Omg he looks like fucking Taye Diggs and I want his body so bad). But the bad this is 1) he never notices me and 2) he's a fucking junior so I only have this year and next year with him. And like, Nneka asked me a very important question after I told her about the Troy issue. She asks "If you weren't on your period, would you have sex with him". And I actually, legit thought about this...... No, I wouldn't have. Why? Because I'm actualy enjoying celibacy. I haven't had sex in 1 year, 1 month and 8 days. Why should I start now with some guy I don't even like. I don't think I would like being a whore because chances are, if I had sex with him, we wouldn't have had sex again. I would've had sex with someone else. And maybe someone else after that and I would've been a whore. BUT I'M NOT!

I thought, "I want to be in a relationship before I have sex again. If I ever do again before marriage." Like I want to see where it goes with Mike. I don't want to fuck this up. I've gotten my heart broken more than once (One, hella recent). And I dont want SEX to be the reason I get it broken again. So.............I think celibacy until a relationship or until marriage is kicking in as of now!

So I love you.......

I wanna write large!! Because I'm feeling large right now! lol :-D

So I like love him. I wish I could be his wife right now! He's the sweetest guy ever and I love him for it! I'll be in class and out of nowhere I'm sitting around thinking about him! He's the best and I love him for it. When we are together the problems of reality don't matter, because with him he's shields me from all worldly harm! With him I don't have to worry about him filling my head with lies, and promises, because he always come thru and is here for me! Words can not express how much I love this dude, like he is my everything, my rock, my pillow, my shoulder! Even though some problems I go through he has no experience with he still with all his ability to make me feel better and I love him for that! When I cry he hold me tight, when I'm sick he nurses back to health! When I'm angry he's always there to listen, and without him I know I would be lost. He means sooooo much to me so much more then he would ever know. If he knew exactly how much I loved him I'm sure he's be teary eyed like I am now trying to express it.

I love you, every inch of you, from the top of your head to the sole of your feet. I love you! I love everything you do the way you talk, the way you say things to me. I love when you come home from school and come and see me first! I love how when we haven't seen each other in so long how you kiss me as if you haven't seen me in months! I love how when we're sleep and you tap me and tell me to turn over and lay on your chest. I love how you expect my daughter as if she's your own. I love every single thing you do!

My Situation

okay so basically i love the place i live in here in Hawaii but now i dont even know if im going to be able to stay. okay so heres whats going on....

right so my first months rent was late but my landlord was completely cool about it, she was like no big deal i know that its hard to start over somewhere new and im like cool. but now my second months rent is late and she took like a full 180. Like now shes talking about that is unacceptable and that if another month is late that she wont renew my lease after december so now im like...

if that happens WTF am i going to do!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? like i'd be completely screwed because i like have to go to HPU for the Spring semester and i cant be here without anywhere to live.

Like i tried to keep her up on what was going on i told here that i just got a job and that i was working like a fucking slave this past week but she didnt seem interested at all in none of that and im like how the fuck can you go from being the nicest person there every was to a complete and total bitch in like a couple of days. like i saw here like last week when she stopped by to see one of the other roommates for something and she was totally nice and everything but now im like wow

i guess what they say is true when money's involved people true natures come out.

So now basically im at the point where if my check doesnt come from Hpu like this week im screwed and im goin to have to be looking for a new place to live after winter break which would completely suck because my place is like in the perfect spot in Honolulu for everywhere i need to go. i just walk

But i guess that all i can do now is HOPE!!!!!!