Playing Games

So, I'm bout tired of Demetrius shit too but his ass needed his own blog! Aight, so last night, of course I'm wasted! It was my last day of class and I had been busting my ass for a month! A whole month of no drinking and not really partying or going out or doing anything fun! Anyway, we having a discussion with these guys and Demetrius comes up. At the same time, what do you know?! He updates his facebook status! So I call him and we gets to talking/arguing (mind you this is at like 4am) and basically, I told him I needed to know where I stood! His reply was, I thought we wasn't catching feelings! Time out!! I'm not catching any feelings boo, I just need to know! I'm not the type of female to be fucking 2 or 3 niggas at one time! If you don't wanna fuck me, fine! I can move the fuck on!My whole problem with him and that he says shit like, you only hit me up when you want dick and thats fucked up (we're fuck buddies, why else would I hit you up??). So I assume that meant you wanted me to hit you up other times. So I did. Anyway, long story short, yesterday on the phone he tried to flip it like you be around so often and people starting to think you my girl and blah blah blah...and you and ya friends need to stop calling me lil boy and blah blah blah!

Aight all of that shit could have been handled when I went and saw his ass last friday! We talked about it and he end by saying, I'ma be here saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday and thursday and I replied that I still wasn't gonna chill with his ass and he told me I was wrong. Guess what? I was right!! He was busy...I understand. I wasn't pressed BUT I was right and there was no point in him trying to front about it

*************************
I wrote this a couple days ago and I was so angry that I just stop writing and ran to the bathroom and burst out crying...like I clearly wrote an earlier blog about how great he was and now I'm realizing he's just an ass like the rest of them! I don't know...like he does have the potential to be a good guy cause he does little shit when I'm mad at him or whatever to make me forgive him but honestly I would rather us just stop dealing with each other all together....sheet ain't worth it and I realize I can't just have sex and spend time with someone without catching some kind of feelings...oh well, bout to deticate this energy to somewhere else....maybe get a new fish or something

IDKHowToFeel
SadSandraOUt

Tired

So tired of this bullshit!!! I was already tired and shit but now this fool at work wanna be irritating me! ugh this is why I need to marry rich! Forget all that marrying for love and what nots! I need a millionaire so I don't have to work and can be a kept woman! Like the rules at this job are dumb...they weren't dumb when I started but they dumb now!! UGH!! no lie....I give Mia and Troy all the props in the world cause idk how they do it! If I was Mia and had a baby and sheet, I would be trying to get me a man with money and who is established and all that good shit but she is marrying the guy she loves and willing to struggle together! Honestly, if I do get hire elsewhere, I'm leaving the damn aquarium! I mean I'm leaving in August anyway so what difference is a couple of months gonna make! Every supervisor wanna do their own thing and enforce certain things and not others and that shit is dumb! If its slow as shit, duh I'm get on the internet! Ain't shit else to do! I don't have any homework, ain't no customers and NO I AM NOT STAMPING NO DAMN TICKETS!! I don't care! you ain't doing shit in that office but watching youtube videos or on facebook or apply for other jobs! Or of course, geeking! Get the fuck out my face with that bullshit!!

And you know what, its not even my job that is bothering me! Its the people around me in general! they just been pissing me off! We'll start with kahri! This nigga annoyed me for 2 hours trying to get me to talk to dezeray! Mind ya fucking business!!! You don't even live here!! He talking boout he wants us to be friends when he comes home for xmas and shit! I don't fucking care! it aint about what you want nigga! you aint in this friendship and don't think I'ma act phoney just to make ya ass happy! He's like dezeray did the same shit to me! she deleted me off facebook and deleted my number and blah blah blah...she don't think when she do stuff but I kept calling her and bothering her and now we friends! KAHRI THERE IS A FUCKING DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND ME!! NUMBER ONE, I do not need friends!! I'm not gonna commit suicide because she stopped talking to me! Oh well, if we never speak again, we just don't! Obviously, we share friends so eventually, we'll run into each other but since she goes out of her way to be M.I.A. from every event I'm at, I don't care! She tells people to tell me she don't wanna talk about it and she don't want any drama. HA! Don't talk to me then! Simply as that, you would think after being my best friend she would know better than that but I guess not! NUMBER TWO, this is the last time I am saying it, to him and to everyone else! I have never and will never chase after someone who doesn't want to be chased! Thats not my style! I do know how Dezeray acts and that she does this often...I don't care. I'm not chasing her and begging for her forgiveness! That shit was crudy and I don't fucking care! Everyone is talking bout I hurt her feelings and all this other shit, she should have told me that shit herself! She should have talked to me instead of deleting me on facebook and then yelling at me in the thread to leave her alone. Fine. This discussion is over and it's not open for discussion again. The next person to talk to me about her or try to convince me to talk to her or whatever is getting cussed out off bat!

What else? hummm....oh yea my other teacher sending us emails about readings and assignments for next semester! BITCH! school ended yesterday...leave me the fuck alone! I don't want any emails from you until january! I really want ya ass to GO AWAY!!! ugh...sheet like this makes me wanna transfer to morgan! I hate annoying ass teachers who nag you by email every minute because they care! I don't care about you! your not my mother so fall back bitch! ugh and then my other teacher apologizing for some shit that was in her control! I'm not gonna validate your guilty feelings! No, I'm not gonna tell you its ok and blah blah blah! Get out of my face bitch! I don't care that your so so so so so so sorrrrryyyyy and you wish there was something you could do! There is something you can do! fix that shit! ugh....I got another rant coming lol

PissedTheFuckOff
Lisandra

13 days left

It's alot so lets get started...
day 9 through day 22

Day 9.
Dear PostSecret,

I wanna join the military so bad, but I'm scared to.

Love,
Mia

I do. To me the military is so sexy and so strong, everything I never felt I was. I love how strong the men in the army appear and how patriotic they are. The thought of them makes me feel warm and safe.


Day 10
Dear PostSecret,

I lost my virginity Dec. 9, 2003. I regret not the person I lost it with, but the age that it was done.

Love,
Mia

I was 13 years old when I lost my virginity. I was so young and so naive, like it makes me feel bad sometimes when I think of how young and I was. I lost it young because I felt that no one would like me or want me unless I just gave it up, I figured once it was gone I wouldn't have to worry about people asking for it and making me think they liked me when really all they wanted was to sleep with me. Yea I know it's a stupid reason but I was young like I said. I wish I could've just waited until I had some sense enough to know what I was actually getting into.

Day 11
Dear PostSecret,

I wish we where closer. I wish we didn't fight so much.

Love,
Mia

I love my brother. We used to be close when I was younger, but when I got older it seemed like we grew apart. It makes me jealous when I see his cousin Sean and Neka's reactions between each other, they are so close and I'm sure they fight, but I've never seen them fight. It also makes me jealous when him and his brothers all go out but when I ask him like I wanna go he'll say oh you gotta be older or something and his other brother is younger than me. And when I say something to my mother she always told me it's cuz I'm a girl. All i ever wanted was a close relationship with my brother.

Day 12
Dear PostSecret,

I'm afraid the world will end in 2012 and I haven't accomplished anything.

Love,
Mia

I am deathly afraid of being a failure or failing. And this whole 2012 thing is scary to me. Yea it may not be true but only time will tell, but in the meantime, me abruptly dying before my full adult life, or my kids adult life scares me.

Day 13
Dear PostSecret,

I want to be a firefighter because they're hot!! :)

Love,
Mia

This kind of co-relates with the military thing... NEXT!

Day 14
Dear PostSecret,

I was 5 years old when I first masturbated. Idk what made me or what prompted me to, all I kno is from 5-13 I did it constantly.

Love,
Mia

I don't know how to explain or give the story behind this one. I was 5 and once I was alone long enough from 5 on up I would do it for HOURS! I would make myself come like 50 times a night every other day. Just constantly, I loved the way it felt, the way it made me feel... I know it was young and I can't change that I just wish I knew what made me start.

Day 15
Dear PostSecret,

I've always wanted to rob something lol but my heart wouldn't allow me.

Love,
Mia

I just always wanted to rob something and get away with it, but the idea of getting caught scares me. I don't wanna go to jail lol

Day 16
Dear PostSecret,

When I was younger I swore I was adopted. If I was it would explain why I'm not like anybody else in my family.

Love,
Mia

I am lovey, dovey sugar and spice with everything nice. My mother and brother are so to themselves and don't show there emotions on there sleeves like me like I never felt like I belonged with them. I always felt like the black sheep in my family and when I was younger being adopted would've just explained everything to me. Seeing as those I am not, I'm left with more questions :(

Day 17
Dear PostSecret,

Small things always make me feel special.

Love,
Mia

I've always felt so insignificant that even the tiniest things would make me feel special and make me wanna give my all. That's just the way I am.


Day 18
Dear PostSecret,

I wish my father was still in his right mind, I miss the days when we would hang out all day. Even though he was always high he never miss treated me and I miss that.

Love,
Mia

My father stop using drugs and it seem like his state of mind went with it. My dad was great to me, even though he got high he always told me loved me and always showed me he cared. He wasn't the greatest person, but he was the best to me. Plus he NEVER lied to me. NEVER I appreciate that.

Day 19
Dear PostSecret,

I'm happy I didn't kill myself, I realize life is about more than the pain. It's a lot more joyful now than then.

Love,
Mia

I was such a miserable child, I always wanted to kill myself. I was always alone, and I always felt unloved. I'm happy I didn't I wouldn't have the joys that I have now, which are my kids, and My future husband.

Day 20
Dear PostSecret,

I love him sooooo much, but he is one of THE MOST annoying people I ever met.

Love,
Mia

I love Troy, he is my heart he is my rock, but oh my goodness he urks me!!!! He just does shit that just annoys the fuck out of me and I'm like why would you do that? Like the stuff he considers fun and joking are annoying to me, and I feel bad because sometimes I feel like we don't have anything in common! But he's my love and I wouldn't change him for nothing because that annoying stuff is what made me love him.

Day 21
Dear PostSecret,

I can't remember the last time she told me she loves me.

Love,
Mia

I can not remember the last time my mother told me she loves me. I hear her tell Melanie from time to time or Caleb, but I believe I had to be either 13 or 15 the last time she said it. I've dealt with the fact that her or my brother don't like to say I love you, but it's nice to be reinforced and not just understood. When I noticed this I started to cry, but I figured why? It's been so long why should I waste the tears, I know she loves me, and she know that I love her.

Day 22
Dear PostSecret,

I look at porn and envy at what he likes.

Love,
Mia

Troy likes red-heads, I could never be a red-head. It's not in my blood to be one lol it makes me jealous when we watches porn and talks about how he like tattoo girls with red hair and I'm not that. It makes me sad and makes me feel some kind of way as if I'm not enough for him or as good looking as he wishes.


That's enough for now, and that was a lot. 22 days down and 13 more to go.


<3miachennelle<3

Fall for your type

"you say that you’re nothing like the last girl

I just pray that you don’t let me down"

-Jamie Foxx

This song by Jamie Foxx and Drake came on the TV today and it made me start thinking. Just watching scenes from the video, and listening to it... I couldnt help but see reflections of myself in it. The girl in the video seemed like she was caught in her own world, and Jamie was basically wondering why he always fell for her type and hoping falling for her wouldn't turn out to be a mistake.

I hope that one day I will be able to stop living in my dream world and be able to better connect to the people in my life. I take 1 step forward, and 3 steps back. I've been living in my own world since I was 12, and there's no point in deluding myself and saying that I don't. In a way, I'm a really messed up person I guess. Sometimes I wonder why anyone would even bother getting close to me when I struggle with communication like I do.

I really appreciate my boyfriend and I have genuine intentions in our relationship. I know I don't do a good job of showing it though. I guess I can be really difficult sometimes to talk to. One thing that's unfair to him is that I don't communicate. If somethings bothering me I just try to ignore it. And he pointed out that when I get mad I become a completely different person. When I'm in a position where I can't just walk away, I explode and hit extremes. And its crazy because I have never NOT been able to just walk away. One morning I was really stressed out because I missed a deadline for something and I was trying to forget about it, and he walked in the room and asked me a completely unrelated question and I burst out crying. He was so confused that he asked me if I was preggo, and then it dawned on me that sometimes I can seem really irrational because I don't open up.

How I rely on escape makes me think of the story my uncle told me about the hole in his wall. One night he came home and his wife was falsely accusing him of cheating with a neighbor. When he said no he wasn't, she kept questioning him. Since she wasn't letting it go, he tried to leave. She ran and blocked the front door. So he tried to go out the back, and she forced him from leaving that way too. He felt trapped, then he got angry and punched a hole clear through the wall.

In short, I know I have a lot to work on if my friendships and relationships are going to be successful. But I'm taking baby steps. I actually had a conversation with someone I haven't talked to in 8 months the other day. The last interaction we had consisted of me completely exploding and feeling nothing but hate. Yet the other day, I politely listened to him vent to me about how he broke up with his girlfriend and gave genuine advice. I think I can learn to communicate better, but its going to take a lot of time.

I wish there was a way i could tell my current boyfriend how much I actually do care about him. I hope I don't come off as apathetic. Yes, I'm happy your mom is thinking about buying you a condo. Yes, I do feel bad when I show up really late to a place we were supposed to meet. Yes, I do notice when you're happy and when you're sad. It just doesn't look like it but one day I hope to open up.

Day 4-8.. or so I think lol

You know the deal so no need in wasting time explaining!

Day 4
Dear PostSecret,

I'm happy that I'm over him.

Love,
Mia

Short and sweet. I'm happy that I'm over Melanie's father. To be honest, I didn't think I'd ever be over him. As much as I hated being with him, he was all I knew really. I was with him for practically all my teenage years, we grew up together and we knew each other, we still know each other and we still can finish each other sentences but it just wasn't meant to be, if I was with him I wouldn't be as successful as I am now nor would I have my fat man.

Day 5
Dear PostSecret,

I love being a mommy more than anything. I feel like it's my life's destiny.

Love,
Mia

I LOVE being a mother, I love the whole process of it, the proud times, the sad times, the angry times, all of it. I have 2 beautiful children and I love them even when they make me upset. I've always wanted to be a mother, when I was younger I wanted dolls, because I love pretending to have children, I even used to pretend to make them lol. If I could be a stay at home mother, I would. Or have my own business from home, I would I just love being a mom, and I don't care that I became one at 15 either. Would I change that? NOPE it only made me stronger.

Day 6
Dear PostSecret,

I'm afraid to officially be on my own.

Love,
Mia

I am afraid of failure. I'm afraid of having to come back home because I failed. I feel like I'm too young but I'm not. I just feel kinda rushed, but I know it's for the better. I know that me and Troy are making the right decisions, but I'm afraid. And I feel like there's nothing wrong with that.

Day 7
Dear PostSecret,

I always thought my life was a story being told to kid angels.

Love,
Mia

Idk it's just something silly I believed when I was a kid. lol nothing more


Day 8
Dear PostSecret,

If she told me those three words more often, I wouldn't have went looking for it.

Love,
Mia

My mother wasn't the type to say I love you. She always told me that I knew that she loved me. But there are somethings that kids need and like to hear. My brother is just like her. His gf tells me all the time how she wants him to get in touch with his emotions. But he's not like that just like my mom isn't. I just wanted to be loved. That's is. I know she loves me, but I just wanted to be hugged kissed and told that I'm loved. She never did that for me. So now, I tell me kids that I love them everyday, I kiss them, hug them and I want them to know how much they mean to me, I don't want them to grow up not feeling the love I felt.

That's it for now.

tobecontinued
<3miachennelle<3

Just On My Mind

So I randomly ended up on the blog today which I think was a sign that I totally need to blog plus I have shit on my mind and I can not concentrate on papers or anything like that until I get this off, so here goes.

First School. Yea that hell hole! When I first started college, I totally thought that I would do my 4 years here and then do my 2 years of grad and then get a job as I work towards my PhD and then have a baby! However, as I grow and mature, I realize I HATE SCHOOL!! Its not that I don't love to learn or that I'm lazy but I hate the entire process! I bust my ass for 3 months, get some grades and do that shit again in the spring! Than after 4 years of this cycle, I graduate with a slip of paper that says I busted my ass for 4 years and now I am ready to bust my ass for another 2! SCHOOL NEEDS LUBE IF IT WANTS TO BUST MY ASS SO MUCH!!! At this point, I want to have a baby when I graduate! I want to be a mommy and have my own little apartment
(*sidenote I always wanted an apartment cause it was lonely never having neighbors growing up but that's another blog*)and my man or husband and I just be a stay at home mom! Who cares if I wasted 4 years of college and being bilingual?! Why should stay at home moms be uneducated?! I'm just saying, I'm starting to think grad school ain't for me and that I need to change career goals. Can I just get a job until I find Mr. Right who can take care of me and our child and I can quit and live out my days cooking and cleaning??

Second Life. Its here. Thats all I can describe it as. Life is like a speeding train but there is no one to stop it! My friends are what they have always been. Mia is mommy. Justin is cook. Dez is avoidance (No we're still not "friends" but we communicate indirectly which is better than nothing because I missed her in my life). Troy is working man. Jas is absent actress. However, as usual with the seasons changing, so does my love life. I have a new boo from detroit. He goes to hopkins and I adore him. I actually see him being in my life for a long time because he is genuinely different than all the others. I mean with any other relationship, I started on all the wrong notes and we rushed into it and before long, 3 months in they said they loved me and I said it back without really meaning it. This time it's different. He hasn't rushed me for a relationship or even pressured me to settle down. We always have fun and laughing and we can do homework together (WHICH HAS NEVER HAPPENED CONSIDERING SCHOOL IS 85% OF MY LIFE). I can just really see myself being with him someday and it feels good to know I don't need to make that decision now. I want what Mia and Troy have and I don't mind waiting to have it! Other than that, my mom is my mom. She thinks she's sexy now and would like to be called by her first name! That lady is a trip!

I gotta get to work but maybe I'll blog later today.

TaTaForNow
Sanda Out!