My Mom

So Mia's blog had me thinking about my relationship with my mommy...I love her to death and I don't know what I would do without her. Like she really puts me and my brother before herself and she would die for us (which I can't say for the majority of parents in Baltimore). Last night, me and her were sitting on the couch and she was telling me about life in cuba and how she missed it but she wanted me and my brother to have a better life. It really made me want to cry cause my mom had a PhD in animal biology and when she came to america she could have been a vet but didn't want to be away from me and my brother. At first, I used to tell her she was stupid and that my career would mean everything to me and that we would be rich now and I wouldn't be struggling to pay for school. But as me and her talked, I realized that she did everything in her power to make sure that I was a princess. If I wanted to go on a school trip or hang out with my friends, she would work two jobs and not eat lunch to make sure that I had money. For years, I thought that my father was giving her money when she told me yesterday he doesn't even have a job and has never had a job since she met him. He does little odd things on the side but not enough to support children. Plus he's lazy and a lair. For example, my mother has a 401K and if anything happens to her me and my brother get one half and my father gets the other...thats gay when he hasn't contributed a penny to my household and doesn't deserve my mother's money. So she has paid him twice to get the divorce in dollars

~sidebar- one american dollar is worth 25 cuban pasos....my mom made about 250 pasos a month (~$10).....my father made nothing!! anyway...my mom had sent him $100 twice! thats 5000 pazos!~

anyway , he still hasn't signed the divorce papers and thats wack! he is selfish and I feel sorry that my mom is stuck to him for life! if anything ever happens to her, I will glue his death certificate to her grave and call it a day. Anyway, I hope that I am a strong mother like her and mia and Grandma Cephas!

MuchLoveForMoms

Sandra Out

A mother's love

I love my mother, and I know she loves me too, but why must she give me such a hard time? Its almost as if she's waiting for me to do something bad and to hop on the chance to hurt me or make me feel bad. I just don't understand what I do. I went to church the past 2 weeks on my own, she didn't have to force me, she didn't have to drag me. But I don't get up one morning and she tells me get my priorities together, like I don't understand. She was my age once, why must she act like what I do is so wrong. Like am I wrong for going out? Like am I gonna go to hell cuz I didn't go to church and I slept? Like Idk what to say or do. She makes me feel so bad for the things I do. She makes me cry all the time because if I do something that ain't up to her par, she says little smart stuff to me and make me cry. And Melanie saw her make me cry and she said "Nana you made mommy cry" and she said "so I cried a lot growing up, I still cry and I'm 46 years old" like since you cried a lot your suppose to make me cry too? and I suppose to feel like I'm not worth shit? Like I don't understand what I do that's so bad! Like I missed one Sunday, ONE and she goes on telling me I should've been there because he preached about coming to church. I missed a good sermon. I never ever hardly go out. And this why.

I'm just so tired of her always having little smart stuff to say to me. Like she don't love me. Like I'm nto worthy. She never just takes the time to say that she just loves me. When I tell her she tells me that I should know that she loves me. Like what the hell is that? I make sure not one day go by that I don't tell my kids that I love them!!! I don't want them growing up feeling like they gotta find somewhere else cuz theres no love at home. I don't want my daughter to find love with sex because it's the only thing that makes you feel close, intimate, the only thing that makes her feel that someone cares because they actually make you feel good. I want her to know that I will always love her, that I'll always make her feel good, by showing her attention, showing her love and showing that I care. I don't want her to grow up feeling unloved.

My mother always told me, that I was overly emotional. That I made everything a big deal and I cried at the drop of a dime, but so what! You knew that that's I was, so what if I wanted a kiss from you all the time or a hug! So what! So what if someone talked bad about me and I cried! SO what!!!! IT'S WHO I AM, AND I AM NOT GONNA CHANGE ME!

I wish you stop acting so holier than thou. Because you was my age once, and I'm pretty sure that even tho I have two kids, you've done way more things than me, so don't try that do as I say not as I do bullshit, because I am not a bad person, nor was I a bad child!! AND I WILL NO LONGER LET YOU MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY!!!!

Ugh look at his shape up & beat up pro wings!

I just think this is so funny lol.

#BAMMA - a person who is not very trendy whether it b fashion or music: "Ugh! Look at his shape-up& his beat-up Pro Wings. Hes such a bamma"

My twitterbestie posted this on twitter and it had me dying for days! Me and @therealpicanteJ were also talking about going shopping sometime in the near future cause we want to make over our looks lol. Idk about him but I plan on trying to "grow up" with my wardrobe. Up to now my style has always been idk ... skater-ish? athletic? dressed down?. Maybe casual drug addict (LOL! I DONT KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT) like the whole t shirt and ripped jeans and converse look. I wore a lot of tennis shoes, a lot of graphic tees, a lot of hoodies's, etc. Not much jewelry and rarely used makeup. Kind of tomboyish but like a girl version of tomboyish. I wear my brothers clothes and shoes when I go home lol. Also I used to be bone-thin straight up and down so thats part of why i dressed that way cause it fit.

Don't get me wrong that has always been a lot of fun and I love that style otherwise I wouldn't do it. But you know I like variety, and its time for a change lol. The idea of dressing more upscale appeals to me too. The idea of what I'm talking about is maybe like Megan Butler or Tyeshia Brown (cause i voted them best dressed) from my class in high school. I want to start wearing handbags, jewelry, knee boots, heels, perfume, the whole nine. I put on a lot of weight since high school so I can fill out dresses and leggings and actually pull them off now. Like now my options are opened widely and I can't wait to take advantage of them.

Of course it going to be a gradual change. For example I'm not a big fan of clogging up your pores with makeup but I did start doing my eyes everyday with mascara and eyeliner because I am a pro at that. Also instead of heels, I rather wear like a sexy pair of boots or replace my DC's with coach tennis shoes. The easiest thing is going to be buying shirts and sweaters in solid colors, and in pretty cuts and nice material, and buying them to layer. More so blouses than a shirt. And more accessories - more scarves, necklaces, etc. And I can't wait to start wearing leggings as pants because that is one thing i LOVE leggings. I wear a pea coat now lol and I really like the way it looks on me like I look so refined and I love it.

Of course its bittersweet cause I'm going to miss the wildness and randomness of my old wardrobe. But who cares because the perks of dressing upscale are so nice! Getting involved in fashion means I can run around saying things like:

"UGH LOOK AT HIS SHAPE UP & BEAT UP PRO WINGS!"

l.o.l.,
@plushieLuxie

We aren't fake. We're a conduit for information.

There is no way I can continue living my life with this on my chest. So I'm writing this blog as a means of ventilation. You can read it if you want to but I just needed to know that this was said/written in public so I can stop thinking about it.

So, as many of you know (or will know by the end of this blog) I am an actress. I dedicate my life to Acting so much that its no longer become something that I do, but a part of who I am. Of course I don't want to be just the actress! I do want to move past that; but just know that Acting is a big part of my life.

Well, I'm sure you're aware that some people in this world could care less for the arts. And some people in this world frown their noses upon actors and acting majors because, "it's not a real major," "it's not a real career", "actors don't have to be smart, they just read from a text." Sometimes I find myself getting offended at statements like these. Who are they to judge what we do? But that's just it! They're ignorant of what actors do and ignorant people tend to fall towards the negative more than the positive. So it's really not their faults. They're not able to see what we see when we're acting. They don't think like actors do. They think with the left-brain more than the right brain so they try to "calculate" what actors do when really, the only way to know is to be one.

But this is not what I want to get off of my chest. It's part of it, but not the whole story. See, at the beginning of this year someone called actors phony. If you don't know what that means it's another word for fake. I was REALLY offended when I heard this. More offended at this statement than any of the other ones? Why? Because I could prove that acting was a real career; I mean look at all the successful actors out there. I could prove actor's had to be intelligent. Again, it comes down to pointing this actors out who are. But, I couldn't prove that actors weren't fake. How could I do that?

So I thought about it over and over again. The more I thought about it the more it made me angry. Then finally I decided that I was going to explain what acting is from the mind of an actress because that's the only way I can say that we aren't fake. To see it from our point of view you might think a little differently. And if after reading it you still think actors are fake well then fuck it, it's your opinion. But you can't judge something or someone until you've experienced what they're going through.

So this is what I want to say. Acting is the art of living through someone else's point of view; to win a fight by embodying THEIR point of view through YOUR elements of behavior. Acting is not working from the outside in. We're not trying to turn ourselves into people we're not. We're trying to incorporate ourselves into who these people are. It's working from the inside out. If that doesn't make sense....it won't.

My professors use the term "your stuff" all of the time. "Your stuff" is everything you've ever experienced in life. It's your senses, it's your point of view, it's your beliefs. Whenever I'm getting ready to do a scene my professors don't say to me:

"Become this person"

That's not what we're doing. We're not becoming someone else. We're using our stuff to understand the character. We're using OUR analogous emotions. We're using OUR memories. We're using OUR sensory images to understand who this person is and then once we connect OUR stuff into a tight link with how they may have felt, we're then able to step in this person's shoes...see we're they're comng from. We can't become this person. It's impossible because they have their stuff we have ours! It's different.

Say if you and your friend were in an argument and you didn't understand why she was disagreeing with you, you would go back to a situation where you weren't being understood properly. You would go back to how you felt, what you believed, how that made you and them feel. Then and ONLY then can you understand where your friend is coming from and then and only then are you two able to come to terms about the argument. You still have your own point of view but now you have a better understanding of who they are by connecting it to a situation that YOU'VE experienced.

We're not becoming someone else...that's impossible. In simple terms, we're using what we got, to create a chain that leads us to where this character is when they say these lines. In the end, the character and the actor still have their own point of view but now instead, we have a better understanding of who they are, just like you and your friend in an argument.

So to use the word fake or phony is incorrect. You can only be fake or phony if you're trying to imitate someone. We don't imitate, we understand and convey a message. We're a conduit for information. We're not tofu. We don't take on a persona and keep it. We simply pass it on through our behavior/through the understanding of another person.

So if you still believe we're fake...I can't change your mind. Just try to see if from our point of view...try to understand.

Sincerely,

An Actress

Sleep fighting

So, I've been sleep fighting over the past week. Like I'll be dreaming and next thing I know, Troy's waking me up saying that I was punching him in my sleep. Idk where it comes from, maybe I should google sleep fighting. Like I've never done this before, and it's kinda scary cuz I never realize that I'm hitting him, cuz I'm always dreaming about something else. And then I'll punch him. Like I punched him really hard last night cause my fist was hurting. and I needed to crack my knuckles.

So Troy enjoyed his birthday, except I feel horrible about the anal sex we had. Like I was really bad because it hurted me so bad. Like I cried because it was painful. Like I feel like he watches too much porn. He watches that anal porn and I guess he expects to look and feel like that I guess, but it doesn't. My asshole ain't the size of a quarter, so he's not gonna fit in there easily. Then he just jams him penis in there like he's putting it in my vagina and thats not the way about it. It hurts like hell, but I'm willing to do whatever he may like for him to get fulfillment out of it cuz I want to give him whatever he wants and that seems to be the only thing he really wants I think that I can't give him. Like I don't want him to cheat on me with some girl that will give him anal.

Well I'm leaving class now, I just wanted to blog about whats going on and what not...

Until next time,

~Mia~

Always Be My Baby

So I just wanted to blog just because...I feel like I haven't in a while so we need to reconnect! My last blog was very angry but since then me and him have made up (who didn't see that coming?).

~sidebar:so I'm writing this from work and this guy just called mad cause we told him that baltimore city offices ARE CLOSED today! He said he used to work in Baltimore and they are open but they are closed! So he hung up...lol crazy man!~

Anyway, its funny how random my life is! Like I'm randomly at work today and I was looking for scholarships but I stopped on that. I need to jsut transfer to community college and stop trying to pay $25000 a year for 4 classes! I can buy my damn Passat with that money!! SHEETTT!!!! Plus I still needs books and thats another $400 I don't have. Grr....this school pisses me off so much.....and I was gonna get a second job but I trashed that idea. Last semester, I felt swamped trying to balance all my class and this one aqua job so I need to just focus on school and maybe I can finda baby sitting job....ummm hey Mia!! you know anyone that needs a baby sitter?? I'm real cheap (ha!) and I will pick up the damn kids my own self!! Plus my scholarship required me to do community service so I have no time to get a second job and do my psych papers. Oh well...maybe eric will get signed really soon and can start paying for things (not that I mind paying since I have the pussy and I make the rules lol)...

which reminds me....a while ago people kept telling me I was there good luck charm and being around me had a positive influence on their lives and I'm starting to believe it. I don't think it has anything to do with luck though lol...like I just push people and I refuse to settle. For example, Greg. He wanted to be with me but I refused to be with him if he ain't go back to school OR get a legal job (I understand that school ain't for everybody lol) and he started working at the zoo. Then we stopped talking but he told me he was gonna start going to class and I was so proud! Example 2, Brittnie. I made that ho who she is!! I was the one who talked her through the damn corrections training and encouraged her to get her shit together!! and now eric! He is going to get signed and I'ma make sure it happens! No one says no to me...idk why! It might be cause I'm adorable or maybe my amazing skills to talk myself into and out of any situation! I'm telling you, I can talk a homeless man out of some change! So I'ma do my best and get him out there....kind of like his PR person (but I can fuck him at night lol). YAY ME!

anyway: I'm rambling mostly because I'm bored...I'm going to go look for baby sitting jobs now and spend more time with Mia so I can get adjusted to children! I can't wait til I go back to school cause I'ma devote my Mon and Weds to Mia since we get out of school around the same time! YAY!

World of driving

So I've been driving and I love it!!! I get to school on time, I don't have to worry about anything, and I get to bypass lights!! I'm completely happy with my life right now, and I thank God.

On the other hand, now that I am driving I have nothing to do!!! I get to Melanie school really early and then I'm like I don't wanna go home, but it ain't nothing else to do. I'm sure I'll find something soon.

SO this weekend is Troy's birthday, and I am hoping that my mother gives me my money back because I want to go out, and not depend on Troy! It's his birthday, why should he have to pay for me?

So, I am in school now, and I am is happy as I can be. Like God has really blessed me and I am thankful.

Well, that brings me to another note. I am supposed to be getting baptised this Sunday, But I don't think I'm ready. I was going up for prayer, not to join the church, not to be getting baptised and having to pay the church money! I think that I will tell the lady that I love God, and I believe Jesus died for my sins, but I felt completely rushed and I didn't believe that I was joining the church I thought I was getting extra prayer, and that I will continue to go there and when I am ready I will be ready. And I don't need any of them thinking I am a heathen because I'm not, they rushed me and that wasn't fair and I'll leave it at that! And I don't care what the church ppl will say because that's all they do it talk about people and I don't have time for it!!

Until next time,

~Mia~

Already Annoyed

So I don’t know how to feel right now but y’all know I can’t sleep with shit on my mind so here it goes. Today (technically yesterday) I was playing with my boyfriend’s phone because my phone and my laptop were dead! (I know…what kinda shitty ass luck?!) so he was talking bout someone he didn’t know texting him and I went to his messages to see if I knew the number or the person. (of course this was just an excuse to go through his messages!!!) Everything I have EVER read or heard of told me to close the phone and put it down then but I just had to know! I mean if everything is what he told me, I would find nothing and could continue with my existence. So I’m going through the messages, not really reading them but just glancing at the names and the first couple of words (and of course they are all female) and then I realize I don’t care what they are saying, I care about what he is telling them!

~sidebar: there is NO point in getting mad at the other woman! She ain’t in your damn relationship and the guy is the trifling one. For all I know, them females might not even know I exist!~

ANYWAY, so I’m reading what he says and just the normal stuff like hey, blah blah blah and then I come across these different messages! He’s talking to some 17 year old girl telling her that he hopes she’s single in a year so they can be together (mind you my boyfriend is 22). What kinda shit is that?! I was thrown off by this tomfoolery!! How dare you TRY to fuck with the princess?! Does he not know that he will be dealt with accordingly! So I text my two bad bitches (Mia and Nikki) because they are in relationships and I’m sure have went through their man’s phones a couple of times. They both think differently but in this case both agreed that I need to confront his ass about it?! Honestly I have nothing to tell him! He gonna say it was just talk and he with me and then flip the script and claim I don’t trust him!! DAMN RIGHT I DON’T! you planning on not being with me in a year and we ain’t even been together for a damn month!! On top of that, I think he wants to use me and that shit ain’t sliding! Don’t ask me to take you nowhere or buy you anything cause the answer is NO! you don’t contribute gas to blueberry and you ain’t got no job! Furthermore, if I want dick, I will come over when I fucking feel like it and if I don’t best believe you will be blown off! I am really pissed about this shit and think it is time to pull out my black book, along with my freak’em dress collection!! If this sounds like I’m being harsh, oh well, you read my other blogs! I am a hot head and once you make me mad I don’t cool down for a while! AND I MEAN A MINUTE!! And furthermore, it pisses me off that he gets mad and jealous when I talk or dance with other guys but look at his ass! Next party we go to together, we’ll see just how mad I make him! Hopefully, ryan or rashad is there just cause I know he don’t like them! I’ll show them every little nasty freak move and let them touch me ANYWHERE! HA!

InTheWordsOfAmanda:Sheeet!!!!

Backy Out!!

The One

First off, I wanna Thank God for him giving me this car in the first place.

Now that I've done that....

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(sigh)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES!
YES!
YES!
YES!
YES!
YES!


I am sooo happy you have no idea! First thing I'm gonna do is get gas, and idk what to do cuz im broke but i'm very very happy!!

Until next time,

~Mia~

So close but yet so far away

I'm so close to getting a car, but yet I am so far away! I was about to test drive my car out when the guy couldn't find the keys. I was so heartbroken! But tomorrow is Monday and I will be one step closer. Like I wouldn't be in such a rush if I would at least drive! But I NEVER, drive! Troy won't let me. Like this morning he told me to go warm the car up. We was only going up the street, so I figured that I could maybe drive there. Did I? How about no! He came to the car and had that look like ok move. I'll admit I was kinda hurt, like he let our friend Kiea take his car, but he won't let me drive it even if he's in the car! Like I try to reason with it like, well she has experience and stuff, but he won't let me do it even if he's in the car. Like I can't wait to get my car so I can just go!!! Like I'm so tired of depending on him, I'm tired of not driving, like ugh... I'm just tired.


Another thing that gets on my nerves, is 2 faced people! Like I hate when someone is always talking about you behind your back and then wanna be your friend when they need you, like I am so over that. If you ain't with me your against me, and I'm not dealing with you! Like I'm over petty shit, I over dumb ass people! I'm over making an ass out of myself, I'm over just bullshit ass people in general! Like I'm not making and effort to talk or hang out with people no more. I'm worried about me and mines.

Let me clarify! Troy spoils me. I get any and everything I want! But sometimes I feel bad for all the stuff he does for me. Like he does, X, Y, and Z and I don't hardly do anything for him. Like I'm only doing this so I can be my own person. I love Troy and I am happy for everything that he does for me. But I just wanna be my own person that's all.


Still waiting,

~Mia~

The UpDown Project

The UpDown project is a new blog I'm starting. It's somewhere I need to stretch and have space to get my paradoxical views out on because my brain is OVER CAPACITY. lol. Penguin salad is like a group journal, but The UpDown Project is more of my personal thought-out presentation to the world. Or more like a creative space .... kind of like a big canvas up on a roof. I want to paint on it and show all the different colors I'm made of.

It's a reflection of your world, the way I see it.

UpDown project is going to have current events, issues, trends, etc. And my bivisual perspective. Its probably going to be confusing at first because I'm going to disagree with myself a lot and support completely opposing viewpoints but thats just the raw truth.

If I didn't do it that way, everything would cancel each other out and leave nothing.

The URL for the updown project is http://updownproject.blogspot.com/. It should be up and running in a couple of days. In the meantime, follow me on twitter (@alexcat1) for updates!

-Dez Out

p.s. I'm not leaving penguin salad. Not now not ever!!

p.s.s. Great job guys on 134 blogs for 2009! HAPPY POSTING