At An Impasse

So i kno its been a really long time since my last blog but i just didnt really have much to blog about at the time, but recently i've been thinking a lot about my life and like the title says im at an impasse.

i can honestly say that in my entire life i have never lived without some kind of plan for the future no matter how abstract it may have been i've always had at least a general idea where i was headed. but now im in a place where i have no clue where i want to end up. its like every time over the past few years that i thought i had a plan it either fell through or imploded. i feel like im standing at fork in the road with more possible paths then i can count.

when i was in high school i knew that by now i would be interning at a PR firm and getting ready to graduate in a year or so. but as i sit here im no closer to that goal. if anything im even further from it than i was then.

when i decided to go to B.I.C i just knew that by now i would have graduated and been working at a restaurant or something in either Miami or New York but yet i still find myself sitting in my grandmother's house rotting my life away.

its come to the point where i just dont kno whats left for me my gut tells me that i need to go back to school the other day i requested applications from a few colleges. but deep down i dont even think that any of them will accept me and if they dont then thats just gonna be a couple hundred dollars in app. fees, transcripts, and test score reports that i wasted with no outcome.

then even if they do accept me im worried that i wont have enough credits to not be considered a freshman i kno it probably sounds dumb but after going through 2 years of school (even though they were for total opposite degrees) my pride just wont let me be a freshman again i can do, not to mention i cant add 4 more years worth of debt onto myself.

it just seems like every possible path i can take leads to either a dead end or another impasse. I have never been this confused in my life.

Then i look at my family people who have always put so much stock into what i was gonna be when i grew up. they have always had these huge lofty expectations for me and i feel like im not living up to them. i feel like I'm letting them all down and that really hurts. i mean i cant even count the number of times in my life that i was told that i was gonna be the one that "made it". i heard it so much that i even bought into that bull shit myself. hell my grand mother named me Justin McCallister Dutton because she always said it would look nice on my briefcase. i just dont kno

i feel like maybe i just need to pick a path and jump but im worried if i do that would leave me worse off then i am now.

Chosing Sides

First, I read Mia's blog and it breaks my heart to know that she feels that way. The last thing I would ever want to do it come between her and her best friend, just how I wouldn't want anyone to come between me and mines. With that said, I'm done with this whole shit with Dezeray. Yea, I said it before but now I actually mean it. I'm tired about feeling bad and crying about something that I don't even know I did. Furthermore, the people that she has told what happened all say that its dumb and not worth losing a friendship over. If it was that dumb, we would be talking right? I guess not. Maybe she never really wanted to be my friend from the jump. Maybe she been not liked me just didn't want to hurt my feelings. Of course, she could have hated me for a while now and just been phoney. Whatever the case, I no longer care. If our friendship can't handle petty shit like this, I don't want to be friends again and something big happens and I know that once again, I will be alone. With that said, I'm seperating myself from my twin offical. I will no longer attend mutual events or participate in mutual activites unless the persons being there are ok with my presence even if it means Dezeray won't come. I have also decided to stop participating in the group thread. I feel as though I censor what I say when I shouldn't have to and I hate that she responces to me on there but not in real life. Plus, I can always text/call/tweet the people in it and they can contact me if they want to talk to me. Just like I told Mia, I have also told our mutural hopkins friends that I wouldn't come to events if they want her there and they said they want me there. It seems like the only people I'm cutting out of my life are the ones closes to me (Mia, Troy, Justin and Jizz) but as I said earlier, I can talk to them other ways.

TriedOfTryingAndLostHope
SandraOut

heart-broken

So while I have a little downtime at work, I figured I would write about how heart-broken I feel about the possibility that I might now get married this year. Like I want to more than ever to get married, but I just feel like it's not gonna happen. And i'm completely heart broken. I wanna walk down the aisle, but then again I just wanted get married. Like half of me is just like screw it and go to Vegas, but I miss out on Caleb carrying the ring and Melanie throwing flowers. Like I feel like it's too early to give up hope, but I'm the only person that still wants to. I was talking to Troy about it and I feel as though he's completely unaffected about it, he's more upset that we can't buy a house which I knew we wasn't gonna do from jump street. And I guess he knew from jump we wasn't gonna get married this year. I need to start going back to church and get some sanity back in my life and some calming. I just feel so erratic idk what to do. But i do kno I'm heart broken.


brokenhearted

Time to write

I'm happy and sad to be the first person to blog in the new year, I just knew someone would beat me to it, but anyway, I have a lot to say and I need to get it out before I forget about it.

Troy's Birthday is 2mar and I can't believe he'll be 21!! Like I'm excited I threw him a surprise party at Ryan's house and it went well so I was happy and he was too. It was nuffin big just drinks and guys playing beer pong, stuff Troy likes,not like dancing and stuff that I like lol. I only felt bad because I didn't tell one Lisandra about it because Dezeray was there and I wanted Dez there and if I invited Liz Dez wouldn't have came. Like I feel so bad, and I maybe taking on more than it is, but I feel like I'm in the middle, like i wanna hangout with both of them but I can't because they're not friends right now and I just don't know what to do.

Like before I barely saw them because they was always together but if we had an event we they both came and normally together but now we have to choose who to invite to events because Liz will come but Dez won't and it makes me feel awful because of all the things that dez could be putting up a fight for or stand for she choosing this, but then again I'm not sure why dez feels the way she feels like I know why but I can never know to what extent because I'm not her. I'm gonna need for her to a relateable story for me to understand because all the ones she's given me so far just don't add up.

I feel bad because we where all a group. We could all hangout and have girl time, now it's just awkward. I don't know if it's me that's feel this way or if it is! Either way I just want Dez to go her separate way or talk Liz or something like I'm just beginning to feel like I'm cheating on Liz lol

I had to blog about this because it's beginning to bother me and talking to dez it doing nothing but going in circles and I feel like it's not my place to say anything to liz but now it's starting to affect me so I am but I figured if I wrote it down and got it off my chest even if I don' talk to Liz about it later today she'll see this blog and know how I feel at least kinda and leave it at that. But I don't think I'm gonna not talk to her about it I think I'm gonna speak my peace because I just can't take it anymore. Like as a Pisces I take on the energy around me and this is wearing me out.

I'm sorry Dez if this offends you any kinda way because I'm not trying to. Like I'm really confused and idk what to do, so probably after this blog I probably just separate the two, I wish I didn't have two, but I guess I do.


soconfused
<3miachennel<3