My sister...The Mom

Watching Dezzy be a mommy is the cutest thing to me. She's my second best friend to become a mom and its funny watching her make the same "mistakes" that all new moms make with their first child. I put mistake in quotes because its not a mistake like an accident but its just things that all first moms do because they obviously think its whats best for their child. For example, she's upset about being a cow. I feel for her but she could stop overfeeding him. He won't go hungry and as a baby, he's going to be greedy. Its funny because she thinks its going to change as he gets bigger. Naw boo boo. If he's used to eating 20oz in 24 hours now, he's only going to want more, not less. At least she's sticking to breastmilk and not formula because then she would never be able to catch up. She just worried about her child and I'm proud of her. I guess I still feel that disconnect when he's making noise while she immediately jumps up to make sure nothing is wrong with him. Maybe it comes from being a baby sitter forever. If its not a real cry, it doesn't need to be addressed lol Naw, I'm not gonna carry you. I'm not gonna baby you. You will take this pacifier. #endofstory As for Justin, I feel for him most of the time. He's a great dad as far as Dez will let him. This is HER baby but its really THEIR baby. I see that Justin wants to help and do more but of course, Dez is overprotective and she doesn't want to burden or bother Justin. He's a dad. That's what he's here for. I have seen her start to come around and I guess its all about getting into a rhythm of things and accepting your role as mom and dad. During these first 3 weeks, I have seen them grow together and she has started letting him do more and accept help. Hopefully she keeps that up. As the baby grows and she starts going back to school or work,this help is going to be critical so that she can EAT and SLEEP. Thats the benefit of living with your best friend and the father of your child. Take advantage boo boo. I'm sure by 3 months she'll be just like Jessy and handing Hunter off the minute I walk through the door so that she can pee or shower or just take a minute to nap. #NoMoreThoughts SandraOut

First night home

Tonight was kind of rough! I think I did pretty good by Braden but I feel awful for Lisandra and Justin. He fussed a lot and I know it kept waking them up. He woke up twice so far tonight, the first time he fed from both breasts until nothing else was coming out and then cried and screamed for more food. My full milk isn't in yet, I ended up having to supplement with a syringe and give him 1 1/2 teaspoons of formula and he finally went to sleep. The second time he woke up was tougher because he wasn't hungry, he was just plain unhappy and fussy. I think his circumcision was probably irritated.  He had a wet diaper and screamed and screamed when I took it off. First being diaperless calmed him down (I don't mind if he were to poop or pee on me) but after maybe twenty minutes or so I went ahead to put a new diaper on him and he started screaming again. I hope the entire glob of petroleum jelly I put on him helped at least a little. He was inconsolable for a long time though and would breastfeed in short bursts then push himself away and cry. He wouldn't even finish them off, this time there was tons of colostrum left on each side when he quit on them. I had to keep alternating from walking him around, switching sides, talking to him, etc to keep him from screaming non stop. Poor thing, he must be so sore down there. His bandage comes off today so hopefully that will give him some relief. I can relate because I'm sore from my stitches so I know what he's feeling is probably no joke. Now he's finally sleep in my arms and peaceful and I feel proud of myself. I'm looking forward to the future when he gets adjusted to his environment and to when his circ doesn't hurt anymore. Oh and also until my mature milk comes in maybe that will be today.

UPDATE: I talked to Liz and she said she didn't really hear anything! Wow!

What about MY kids tho?

Earlier today, Iggy told me that his other sister is pregnant. That makes 5 women so far who I know will be moms (or moms again) by 2015. While I'm really happy for everyone, I can't help but feel a bit of jealousy and pain every time someone new announces their pregnancy. On one hand, I'm blessed that I've never had to wake up one morning and wonder where my period was. I've never had to take a pregnancy test and wait an uncomfortable 2 minutes for 2 bright pink lines to appear on a stick. I've never had to run back to Walgreens to buy 2 more test, which would also be positive, and come to the realization that no matter how many more test I take, the result will be the same. I've never had to wonder how the father of my future child would react or how I would tell my mom and friends. From what everyone tells me, an unplanned pregnancy is stressful at first. Those first few moments aren't filled with happiness but instead there's plenty of fear and prayer and then tears of sadness as the second line gets darker and darker. However, once the shock wears off and everyone is aware, joy sets in and anticipation builds up until 9 months later, a little bundle of joy is here and that fear from a first pregnancy test (or the first 9 in some cases) was totally worth it. What if I never go through that? I'm realistic about future and know what the consequences of chemo are. I know my body went through early menopause. I know my estrogen levels have to carefully monitored and a pregnancy could throw my cancer out of wack. I know I have to be on medication for the next 10ish years and I probably don't want to get pregnant while taking them anyway. I'm AWARE of all of this. That doesn't make it hurt any less that I may never give birth to my own child. At least not if I don't carefully plan it out. It kind of sucks. At 23, I'm not ready to accept that fact that my life will always be different from those of my friends. While I know it won't make me any less of a mom if I can't carry my baby or breast feed, I can't help but wonder if I'll have the same connection that most moms have with their kids. I love listening to Dez or Jessy talk about their pregnancies and how they can feel their babies moving. What if I never go through that? I'm not one of those crazy women who feel this intense connection to other people's kids. It's still their kid and at the end of the day, I know that. I never understand how women can steal other people's kids. No matter how much I want one, I can't just take someone else's. Idk. Maybe I'm just emotional right now. Last night, Iggy mentioned moving to Brazil but not starting a family there. He said, "Of course, if you get pregnant, we'll have to change our plans and chose where to raise our family". A part of me wanted to say we won't have that problem cause a pregnancy isn't possible with me but I kept it to myself. No need to put a damper on a positive conversation. I guess I need to just stay positive but its really hard. I don't know what God has planned for me but I can only pray that everything I'm going through now will make me a better person and a great mom. If thats not in his plans for me, its not. I'll still be the best aunt and godmother I can be and I'm excited about playing those roles in the future. #HeavyMindButEvenHeavierHeart LisandraOut

And then at 2 am......

So I'm awake at 2 am. I've already tried going back to sleep but I just rolled around and by the time I rolled back over, only 2 minutes had passed. Now 40 minutes later, I figure I'll blog and hopefully clearing my mind will help me get some much deserved sleep. 1. There is a bug on my wall. It has a lot of legs and is bothering me. I hit it with a shoe which only crushed his little head and stuck him to my wall. Ugh. I need Justin to come remove his nasty ass bug body. He wiggled for a while but now he's just there, a constant reminder of how much I dislike shit with more than 4 legs. Ugh. 2. I'm excited to meet my little nephew. I don't normally like boys but I guess its different when you really love them and its family. Its always just been me and my mom and Denny for so long that I never felt any connection to anything in the US. Now I have Justin and Dezzy and Hunter. I can't imagine moving far and never seeing them again or watching their family grow or watching Hunter grow up. I hope I don't miss the birth but I'm sure Justin will call me (at least he better). Dez really is the sister I've always wanted and I'm so happy for her. I know her whole life is about to change but I KNOW she's gonna be an amazing mom to Hunter and raise him to be a great man like she did with her brother. As for me, I intend to be the fun aunt. Justin will obviously have to be the one laying down the law cause I just won't be able to say no to a dezzy mini, just like I can't say no to her. 3. I'm excited to meet my next godchild. Yes, Jessy is pregnant again! And unlike with Ev, I will actually be around for her this time. I can go to appointments and bring her food and help her out like I try to do for Dez. In college, I always felt guilty because I honestly didn't have the time or money and I just sucked as a godmom and best friend. Now I'm slowly stepping up and trying to be there more often and make sure that I text and I'm going to visit more often. All I'm doing is working and thats not super important. What's important is the time I spend with both her and Ev. Just like Dez, she's my older, mature sister and Ev is a mini her. Thats enough venting about that. I have a different blog that I really need to write. Read that one too! #SeeYouSoon ~SandraOut

#8 - Oxytocin

"8. Find love and groom it

Love between two people will release Oxytocin, hormone that only appears in an advance stage of a relationship and is responsible for self esteem and general inner peace that loved ones feel.

Notice that during the stage of falling inlove, Dopamine is released in the brain, that may make you feel euphoric and excited but this is just a stage and intro to the love and oxytocin a bit later."

Stole this from a website and thought I'd share! So true!!

What being pregnant is like

Since I'm up at 5:44 am unable to sleep I thought maybe I would do a quick blog about what it feels like to be pregnant. I'm 23 years old and I am 31 weeks expecting my first. Well I should say our first because it is a new experience for Justin too. It was a surprise! BUT we are in love and love does tend to create little babies so in retrospect I am not really surprised after all. I guess that 23 and 24 are not a bad age to become first time parents! Anyway this is what being pregnant is like in a nutshell:

1. The first trimester is easy. At least it was for me. Maybe it was because I didn't really even believe I was pregnant until 10 weeks along. I had horrible food aversions and couldn't stand the taste or smell of meat. But aside from having to be a vegetarian for a little while being pregnant was no different from not being pregnant.

2. You will need to drink more water than you are accustomed to drinking. I usually drink a lot of water normally so I thought I was good. But one day I was just busy and forgot to carry around my water bottle and ended up fainting at work. It was scary and I didn't know what going on because I've never fainted before. Everything just went gray and white and was spinning and then I collapsed. But in the hospital we saw that the baby was fine and active and he even had a ton of amniotic fluid in there. But I on the other hand needed several bags of IV fluid to rehydrate. I learned from the doctor that day that a pregnant woman's body will always meet the baby's needs first so be sure to up your intake of water to meet both of your needs. The amniotic fluid is constantly refreshing itself and this takes a lot of water from you. Take water with you WHENEVER you leave the house even if its just for shopping. When we did our Target registry I forgot my water instead and kept getting dizzy and lightheaded and the Starbucks lady took pity on me and gave me a cup of ice water lol. And when I did my babies r us registry they give you a water bottle right along with the scanner. They know the deal! If you are not a water drinker like my cousin for example you might just eat ice chips constantly like she did, but your body will need extra fluid somehow or another.

3. The second trimester is also easy. I enjoyed the second trimester even more than the first! You get your appetite back!! And you aren't very big yet so you still have a full range of motion. This is also the time where you have usually heard your baby's heartbeat several times and are secure in knowing the baby is safe and ok.

4. The best feeling is when the baby moves! OMG!!! I thought this would hurt! I have always thought this would hurt. I imagined painful kicks to my internal organs and broken/bruised ribs. Let me tell you, my baby kicks me in the ribs on my right all the time, it does not hurt at all. It feels cute. And not just in an everything-your-baby-does-is-cute kind of way either. It actually does not hurt and feels like bubbles or lumps. When he is turning his whole body that can feel like pressure but the kicks/punches are totally harmless. At least so far at 31 weeks. And the moment your partner is first  able to feel movement by placing his hands on your belly you might want to cry. It is so mind blowing. Once you start feeling the baby move consistently you will feel so comforted and reassured by the baby moving.

5. The third trimester is the only one that is even a little tough. I know that I am so far having a textbook pregnancy with no real problems but jeeeeez I definitely finally feel the effects of being pregnant. My belly has "popped" meaning it protrudes enough to get in the way now. I can't bend certain ways anymore and I get out of breath often. With the added weight of your boobs it's like carrying around a backpack on your front instead of your back. My upper back tended to get really sore from the extra work but now I think my muscles are adjusted to carrying around the extra weight. Back rubs are like heaven on earth in your third trimester. I get tired and exhausted and it is a struggle to shave or tie my shoes but surprisingly I can still do both with a little extra effort. 

Well hopefully that is not too long of a blog. I tried to condense everything into a few bullet points. Also keep in mind that this is my experience so you may not have the same experience but this is the best insight I can offer based on my experience so far. I will be back to update this topic when I am 36+ weeks!

Mentally Confused

I'm just at a lost for words right now. Well obviously not at a lost for words but I'm really confused and I don't know what the right decision is anymore. I just know I can't continue to hold it in and be "strong". I love Iggy. I honestly do but I feel like at the end of the day, he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. I feel like he's lying to me because he wants to keep me in this limbo state. I'm so tired of this Kiana chick but at the end of the day, shit might not even be her fault. I don't know what he's telling her or what goes on when I'm not around. I just don't know and it sucks. I'm not his mom and I'm not gonna continue finding his iPhone and reading text messages.This shit is way beyond anything I've EVER done in a relationship. He fucked up, not me but I still feel like I'm suffering. Ugh. IDK!!! I just had to get it out there. #AnnoyedAsHell ~Sandra Out

Catching Up 2011-NOW!

Damn...I ain't blogged on here in a minute but I thought I would spark it back up. I started my own blog but I never used it. Mostly because this blog is my family. I love the people who constantly read this and I feel like they love me back. Or even if they don't love me, they sure as hell love to hear me rant. This particular blog entry isn't like that at all lol I just want to catch everyone up on life.

2011

I went to Spain for 4 months and came back. By far it was one of the best experiences of my life. I was able to make new friends and try new things. I'm not gonna say all the generic shit about growing as a person cause I don't think I made that much personal growth. Instead I think I just learned that I can NEVER live alone/ away from someone I love. I missed my friends and family like crazy. I literally cried everyday for a month and called my mother. Used all my skype credit and ran up a cell phone bill. And it wasn't just my mother, I called Derrick every night too. I just missed having someone to hold me at night and to listen to me and calm me down. It was one of the HARDEST experiences for me emotionally and yea, I'm a baby. So what?? Anyway, I came back and for the first time in my life, I was happy to be in America. No matter how much I shit on America and hate living here, my life is here and unless I move with my husband, I guess Maryland is my home. *sigh*

2012

The year started with my partying my ass off as usual!! Later that year, me and Derrick stopped dealing with each other. I was ok with not having a title and us just "dating" but I realized I deserve better as a grown ass woman. Either we're together and I can trust you, or we're not and I don't deal with you. Black and White. Simple. I was just tired of the gray area and I was just his girl when it was convenient. It was fun and I wouldn't change my interaction with him for the world but I definitely needed to grow up. I mean college graduation was in a couple months and adults do NOT have "boos". Nonetheless, we're still friends and I definitely have love for him and wish him the best. Moving on, I went on a cruise and graduated college! BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! FINALLY!! After all the shit I went through with Notre Dame, I diddy booped my ass across that and haven't looked back since. I liked college but I was def ready to move on. Year continued and I got a real job. No more fishes for me! Your looking at a full time Sprint employee! I was also in a new relationship by October with this great guy named Nate (Iggy to me but I don't like when others call him that -_-). We've had our ups and down but we're still kinda of hanging in there today.

2013

Once again, started the year in the club! Party, party, party! That was what I was looking forward to for my year! In February, I moved out of my mother's house and with Dez and Justin. I'm not gonna lie, at first I was always annoyed to be at the house. Mia and Troy and both their kids were normally there and it would piss me up so I would lock myself in my room. I don't know if its my fault they stopped coming over but I honestly don't care. I wanted to come home and chill on my couch and watch tv in MY living room without company all the time. Anyway, year moving on, in April, my boo Day tells me she's pregnant. There goes my party party party idea. Welcome to adult life. Year continues and in November I was diagnosed with breast cancer. WTF?! I have being a fucking adult!!! I want my carefree senior year back minus the homework and teachers and bullshit. I ended up getting a double mastectomy and opting for implants. While I'll never be able to breast feed my child, I couldn't live with the thought that this could one day come back because I wanted to keep 1 boob.

2014

THIS YEAR!! It started with my in the hospital with Day. Madison was born on December 31,2013. Next to graduation, another one of the best days of my life. I can honestly say I love her and Maddy like they were family. Its just amazing to be there for someone and experience the first couple of days with a newborn and my baby mother. We took pictures together, I changed her diapers, I talked to Day while she cried and reassured her. That bond will NEVER be broken and I do look at them as my little family. Of course, all happiness has to come to an end. And mines did....I found out Iggy was cheating on me and I started chemo. Real fucking great. Me and him decided to work it out and are still working on it. As far as chemo, I had my 5th round yesterday. Only 20 more sessions to go. Yup, a whole 20. It sucks. I don't have any hair or eyelashes. I'm weak all the time and require assistance to lift heavy things. I'm overlly emothional and cry whenever I'm upset.I get light headed if I bend over and dizzy if I stand up. BUT I'M HAPPY TO BE ALIVE. Yes, life may suck right now but I know it's only a temp state and in 2 years, my life will have regained normalcy. Thats all I'm looking forward to. Well, not you're up to date. I'll try to blog at least once a week. Someone always pissed me off so that shouldn't be hard lol

#UntilImPissedOffThisWeek
~Sandra Out