What about MY kids tho?

Earlier today, Iggy told me that his other sister is pregnant. That makes 5 women so far who I know will be moms (or moms again) by 2015. While I'm really happy for everyone, I can't help but feel a bit of jealousy and pain every time someone new announces their pregnancy. On one hand, I'm blessed that I've never had to wake up one morning and wonder where my period was. I've never had to take a pregnancy test and wait an uncomfortable 2 minutes for 2 bright pink lines to appear on a stick. I've never had to run back to Walgreens to buy 2 more test, which would also be positive, and come to the realization that no matter how many more test I take, the result will be the same. I've never had to wonder how the father of my future child would react or how I would tell my mom and friends. From what everyone tells me, an unplanned pregnancy is stressful at first. Those first few moments aren't filled with happiness but instead there's plenty of fear and prayer and then tears of sadness as the second line gets darker and darker. However, once the shock wears off and everyone is aware, joy sets in and anticipation builds up until 9 months later, a little bundle of joy is here and that fear from a first pregnancy test (or the first 9 in some cases) was totally worth it. What if I never go through that? I'm realistic about future and know what the consequences of chemo are. I know my body went through early menopause. I know my estrogen levels have to carefully monitored and a pregnancy could throw my cancer out of wack. I know I have to be on medication for the next 10ish years and I probably don't want to get pregnant while taking them anyway. I'm AWARE of all of this. That doesn't make it hurt any less that I may never give birth to my own child. At least not if I don't carefully plan it out. It kind of sucks. At 23, I'm not ready to accept that fact that my life will always be different from those of my friends. While I know it won't make me any less of a mom if I can't carry my baby or breast feed, I can't help but wonder if I'll have the same connection that most moms have with their kids. I love listening to Dez or Jessy talk about their pregnancies and how they can feel their babies moving. What if I never go through that? I'm not one of those crazy women who feel this intense connection to other people's kids. It's still their kid and at the end of the day, I know that. I never understand how women can steal other people's kids. No matter how much I want one, I can't just take someone else's. Idk. Maybe I'm just emotional right now. Last night, Iggy mentioned moving to Brazil but not starting a family there. He said, "Of course, if you get pregnant, we'll have to change our plans and chose where to raise our family". A part of me wanted to say we won't have that problem cause a pregnancy isn't possible with me but I kept it to myself. No need to put a damper on a positive conversation. I guess I need to just stay positive but its really hard. I don't know what God has planned for me but I can only pray that everything I'm going through now will make me a better person and a great mom. If thats not in his plans for me, its not. I'll still be the best aunt and godmother I can be and I'm excited about playing those roles in the future. #HeavyMindButEvenHeavierHeart LisandraOut