Well I'm sorry...

I know I haven't written in a while and it's because I've been thinking about way to much to actually put any thoughts down. But since yesterday night I realized something: I'm an angry drunk! 

I have two main emotions: depression and anger. If I'm not one, there's a 97.545% chance that I'm the other one. So when I'm drunk, I'm already too sluggish to be depressed so then I'm angry. I punch walls and I yell at people and dancing is the only way I can get rid of that anger (or at least lessen it). It's so hard like, when I'm drunk I want to kill people. I get this urge to just punch people. I don't know if it's because I'm schizophrenic. I don't know if it's because I don't express my anger much when I'm sober. But if I were a guy, I'd probably go to jail for beating my wife or something if I was drunk. I'm so glad that I wasn't too drunk yesterday because I was soooo tempted to punch this brick wall but I knew that my hand would break....so I didn't. 

And I hate when people say I have no reason to be depressed or sad and that I should suck it up and get over it! DEPRESSION IS NOT SOMETHING PEOPLE JUST DECIDE TO DO! DEPRESSION IS CAUSED BY CHEMICAL IMBALANCES THAT YOU CANNOT CONTROL! 

And it's not like I'm depressed all the time. It comes and goes. Like idk. People sometimes make me feel like I should be sorry for my emotions and my actions. So that causes me to battle with myself. Everybody's always trying to tell me what I should be so constantly I'm fighting with who I should be and who I really am and IT SUCKS!!!!! IT SUCKS SOOOO FUCKING HARD THAT I CAN'T FUCKING DECIDE WHAT'S RIGHT AND WHATS WRONG. ITS ALWAYS!!:

be an engineer not an actress

be sexual not romantic

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I can't even write anymore......................................