Thinking

Lately all I have been doing is thinking, morning, noon, and night. And its starting to wear on me. its true that thinking too much can be harmful. Its like a whole lot has been bothering me, in making me feel like i don't feel like being bothered. Like I feel frustrated. I feel frustrated physically, mentally, and sexually.

It like it a lot on my mind, which frustrates me, cuz it seems like I cant put anything into words. And i wreck my brain day in and day out trying to figure out what to say and how to say it.

I'm sorry if i begin to ramble, something that I often do when I write here lol, but I'm gonna try and sit here and write everything that wrong no matter what it is or who it may hurt or whatever, I need to say this and get it clear so If i hurt you I'm sorry its just something that I been thinking and holding it back, but I still love you.

UGH so much how to start.

I wish I could go out like dez n liz does. Like, they can party whenever and it b fine, they always invite me but I cant never go cause during the week I'm mommy, I cant go out and party cuz my mom wont let me. she'll b like how I'm getting there and when I get there she'll just call me and call me the whole time asking me what I'm doing when am i gonna come home n a bunch of other stuff that will just kill the mood for me and everyone else cuz they'll have to leave to take me home and it will just be embassing.

I guess I'm jealous, well I am jealous cuz I don't do anything with my best friend anymore. Like all she does is party and when she's not partying she complaining about chem. and its like idk wut to say.... Like I want to be there for her but how can I when I'm always preoccupied with my own thoughts. wishing I could b her at a good school with friends. I spend everyday alone mostly. when I am with someone I'm not paying them any attention because I'm thinking.

All this thinking is making me tired, I don't do much besides think and sleep, I eat like once a day, cuz I'm busy thinking.

thinking how I could word all of these thought I have, and its like I cant talk really to dez cuz when I talk to her she says I'm depressing her and when i talk to troy he just yells and then makes fun of me. like so even if I had the way to express the way I thought I couldn't talk to them.

Normally I just have sex until my problems because screams of Ecstasy, but lately it seems like it takes more and more for me to get to that point. and its so frustrating cuz I kno its not him, like its me. Like I can feel something preventing me from getting to that point. like some sort of barrier in the way of me releasing all the frustration I've been building up. But I cant. So I sit there and look at him and he's probably thinking it him when Its me. So idk, like now since I don't have sex as an outlet I just think.

But using sex like that wasn't good anyway. like it became an addiction that way cuz I relayed on it too heavily to solve my problems by giving me a high that made me. but now i don't have sex like I used to and for a while I felt I was doing good with the weekends only. but idk the sex issue is too deep to go into right now...

Then school, I just hate my school right now. I hate the way my schedule flows.

Then its like I'm just so drained. Everything I do is draining me. I cant never do my daily things too good I'm drained. going to class drains me. waking up drains me, working drains... I'm just so tired of everything and I don't know what to do.


I'm just at a lost... I tried to like rearrange my life, but it doesn't seem to work either, but then again I just started.

I'm just upset. Like I got this astrology book and it talks about all the things that I dislike, and how that would spend me packing if my mate did that. Troy read it and laugh thinking I do all that now, but you're still with me, but I told him yea but all that stuff annoys me and that's why i call you an asshole behind your back. Like that bothers me cuz I kno he do those things and it bothers me when he does and it makes me think bad thought. thoughts I don't wanna think about my boyfriend, but idk

idk like I don't have no one to talk to and I feel like this is helping me vent alittle. I tried talking to troy the other day but I just knew if I said anything it would end in an argument I didn't feel like going thru, so I dropped it. like i wanna talk to him but he's not the talking type he'll just get angry and yell at me and make me cry and then later on make fun of me crying so idk...

I'm gonna stop here, I don't know what else to say I'll just be talking taking up space for nothing so, wut eva.