video blog

i know this is really bad quality and i dont really talk loud enough for my webcam anyway ... but anyways here you go ... advice about being a freshman in college

Thinking

Lately all I have been doing is thinking, morning, noon, and night. And its starting to wear on me. its true that thinking too much can be harmful. Its like a whole lot has been bothering me, in making me feel like i don't feel like being bothered. Like I feel frustrated. I feel frustrated physically, mentally, and sexually.

It like it a lot on my mind, which frustrates me, cuz it seems like I cant put anything into words. And i wreck my brain day in and day out trying to figure out what to say and how to say it.

I'm sorry if i begin to ramble, something that I often do when I write here lol, but I'm gonna try and sit here and write everything that wrong no matter what it is or who it may hurt or whatever, I need to say this and get it clear so If i hurt you I'm sorry its just something that I been thinking and holding it back, but I still love you.

UGH so much how to start.

I wish I could go out like dez n liz does. Like, they can party whenever and it b fine, they always invite me but I cant never go cause during the week I'm mommy, I cant go out and party cuz my mom wont let me. she'll b like how I'm getting there and when I get there she'll just call me and call me the whole time asking me what I'm doing when am i gonna come home n a bunch of other stuff that will just kill the mood for me and everyone else cuz they'll have to leave to take me home and it will just be embassing.

I guess I'm jealous, well I am jealous cuz I don't do anything with my best friend anymore. Like all she does is party and when she's not partying she complaining about chem. and its like idk wut to say.... Like I want to be there for her but how can I when I'm always preoccupied with my own thoughts. wishing I could b her at a good school with friends. I spend everyday alone mostly. when I am with someone I'm not paying them any attention because I'm thinking.

All this thinking is making me tired, I don't do much besides think and sleep, I eat like once a day, cuz I'm busy thinking.

thinking how I could word all of these thought I have, and its like I cant talk really to dez cuz when I talk to her she says I'm depressing her and when i talk to troy he just yells and then makes fun of me. like so even if I had the way to express the way I thought I couldn't talk to them.

Normally I just have sex until my problems because screams of Ecstasy, but lately it seems like it takes more and more for me to get to that point. and its so frustrating cuz I kno its not him, like its me. Like I can feel something preventing me from getting to that point. like some sort of barrier in the way of me releasing all the frustration I've been building up. But I cant. So I sit there and look at him and he's probably thinking it him when Its me. So idk, like now since I don't have sex as an outlet I just think.

But using sex like that wasn't good anyway. like it became an addiction that way cuz I relayed on it too heavily to solve my problems by giving me a high that made me. but now i don't have sex like I used to and for a while I felt I was doing good with the weekends only. but idk the sex issue is too deep to go into right now...

Then school, I just hate my school right now. I hate the way my schedule flows.

Then its like I'm just so drained. Everything I do is draining me. I cant never do my daily things too good I'm drained. going to class drains me. waking up drains me, working drains... I'm just so tired of everything and I don't know what to do.


I'm just at a lost... I tried to like rearrange my life, but it doesn't seem to work either, but then again I just started.

I'm just upset. Like I got this astrology book and it talks about all the things that I dislike, and how that would spend me packing if my mate did that. Troy read it and laugh thinking I do all that now, but you're still with me, but I told him yea but all that stuff annoys me and that's why i call you an asshole behind your back. Like that bothers me cuz I kno he do those things and it bothers me when he does and it makes me think bad thought. thoughts I don't wanna think about my boyfriend, but idk

idk like I don't have no one to talk to and I feel like this is helping me vent alittle. I tried talking to troy the other day but I just knew if I said anything it would end in an argument I didn't feel like going thru, so I dropped it. like i wanna talk to him but he's not the talking type he'll just get angry and yell at me and make me cry and then later on make fun of me crying so idk...

I'm gonna stop here, I don't know what else to say I'll just be talking taking up space for nothing so, wut eva.

Old Fanfiction

In the 8th and 9th grade I used to write pokemon fanfiction. It's impressive how well I used to write. I'm definitely in the process of making more.

http://www.thepokemontower.com/authors/applemartini.shtml

I used to write under Apple Martini at the pokemon tower. It's really good quality. There is a link to my old work :) enjoy

okay i need to make more time to blog

yeah i dont know its weird i always find time to talk on facebook but blogging just seems to not make it into my brain idk y but im gonna write a whole bunch on stuff in here that will pretty much catch everyone up on me. so the only really interesting things that have happened recently happened last week end and they were

1. Monsters Ball
2. Apples to Apples Night at Shawna's
3. Playing Tennis
4. Halloween

okay so first off Monster's Ball

aight so i went as a pirate and at first all of my Hawaii friends were suppose to be going but then one by one everyone ended up saying that they werent and it was only a couple of us going (which kinda sucked). and then we werent even gonna all go there together so i thought i was gonna be the only one. So i got there and im like this is kinda cool but boring at the same time cause i dont really know anyone here so i walked around for a while and danced wit a couple naked girls (most of which had nooooooooooooooooo fucking rythym which sucked cause they were all over the place) but then two girls i know showed up and they were drunk off there fucking minds which was just funny as hell cause they said that they couldnt look down or they would fall lol and im like seriously like wat the fuck did u guys drink and all they can say was that it was a bottle and im like i kinda fgured but watev and i let them go.

so after that the twins Shawna and Shasta showed up which is good cause i was getting kinda bored and we started walking around and were talking about the different costumes some of which were:

1. a guy that was dressed as white trash 
2. a group of people dressed as pumpkins (like the ones u wear when ur 3)
3. adam & Eve  (complete with leaves to cover any unmentionables)
4. and just about a slutty versions of every costume u could think of

but then i came to the realization that local people arent actually as black as i think they are because they played the electric slide, the cupid shuffle, and the cha cha slide

and im used to baltimore where when these songs are played everyone is in perfect alignment and it just goes good

not in hawaii it doesn't like the electric slide people were bumping into each other and im like wat the fuck!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?   is that even possible

then the cha cha slide played and people were turning at all these random ass angles that dont exist in the cha cha slide and like where did u get a 45 degree turn from

and then the cupid shuffle i dont even want to start on that it was horrible like at our prom everyone was a perfect square moving in union (but not in hawaii)

okay next was apples to apples nite we basically went on this haunted tour which was fun (nothing not worthy)  then we went to this bar bikini's to play pool which was fun i kicked ass as usual when it comes to pool but after that we all went to shawna and shasta's studio to play apples to apples (which i was curious to see how it was gonna be playing with out u guys) and it was soooo fun but def. different

like for instance the Helen Keller card lost and so did the Whips card  (i was shocked)

but other than that it was a really good nite we played like 5 games of apples and didnt go to sleep until like 4 am

so the next thing is i finally started playing tennis again it was sooo awesome tto be back out on the court it felt so right

but i was expecting to really suck since i hadnt played in like 6 months but i actually didnt play that bad i played last wednesday and thursday and i played doubles both times (my partners sucked) and i won the one on wed. 6-3 and on thurs. we were down 4-2 and ended up winning 6-4 which is awesome.

the last thing is Halloween it was suppose to be just a great night (it kinda was but not really)

so like we all got ready and were ready to leave and so two of my friends the married ones decided it would be smarter to drive in their car than walk to waikiki (it wasnt)

so we ended up riding all the way through waikiki up diamondhead and to KCC (now i know these names dont mean much to u guys but lets see its like driving from university to almost fells point in bumper to bumper traffic)

it took us like 2 hours to find a park so then we get out and walk around for awhile looking at costumes and im not sure if it was like this everywhere but we saw alot of people dresssed as jabawaki 

the funny thing is this girl called out this group of 4 people dressed like them and she totally bust there ass and they walked away and didnt even dance against her so everyone was booing them like aww how u gonna dress like them and u cant even dance (it was really funny)

then we saw our friend kelly's communications teacher (shes really hot by the way (the teacher i mean)) there and she was dressed as a slutty mummy and we had to get a picture because kelly wasnt there so we basically stalked the teacher till we got a pic 

it was actually fun.

so thats it for now i'll when something else exciting happens i'll be sure blog it

Wut it do!!!!

Ok, ok , I know its been awhile, but so much, both good and bad has happened, so I'm gonna try my best to keep you updated! So if you know me, you know I'm random, so I'm gonna just start and go from there so try to stay with me. lol

Ok so this week is gonna be the best week ever for me! Troy comes right back home 2mar and I'm uber excited about that. Tuesday not only do i get to vote for the president for the first time, but Troy's gonna be here and we're gonna spend time together like we used to back when we was in high school!! am i a bad person because I'm more excited that troys gonna b here than for voting? like i am gonna vote regardless of how long the lines gonna be, but i just wanna lay wit him in the middle of the day and just FUCK. (sigh) can't wait. (oh btw I just realized that i have to paint my nails) Then Wednesday, I soooo get paid! yay me, yay money! the Thursday I get paid, AGAIN! Then I'm getting my hair done Thursday but idk how, like ugh I wanna cut it, but then again i just want to add some track. but nonetheless i do need a perm. Friday not only is it Friday, but Troy's back home AGAIN so this week is quick, and just perfect! and I'm just so happy.

ummm...... yesterday, no lets start wit Friday night.
I cried. Me and troy was talkin about dez, not talkin badly just talkin. And he like started talking about all the stuff she tells him that "I" never even heard. So I cried cuz i felt like i tell her everything but yet him and her are talking behind my back, like wtf do they talk about, and it angers me cuz he acts like ooo she tells me this hahahaha im important hahahaha like and it blows me. SO i told her that i wasn angry cuz i tell her everything and that she hides stuff. so she told me not to fear and all was good. But also on Friday night, troy "accidentally" went through my phone without my permission. And then had an attitude with me. cuz he saw something that he didn't wanna c but yet didn't come and ask me. so like i feel like its his fault cuz he never even came to me and asked me wut we was talkin about. then at work Saturday we where just not talking to each other because he didn't wanna look like an asshole. so idk

hmmm wut else happened that's blog worthy........ hmmmmmm idk i really don't so I think I'm gonna cut it here and if ne thing else happens blog, I promise to keep up, but before i go I got another tattoo, its a Capricorn sign and its for troy and me and lisandra went together to get it, like i was soo Happy she came with me!!!!!!! but ne who, that's it, I juts knew I had to post that, but now I'm going to bed I have to get up early.

Oh my my my

Okay, sorry about my last post. I need to express some emotions that I kept bottle up last night, but I'm cool. ....And do you want to know why I'm cool? Because I went to Marathon last night and didn't do anything that I would regret in the morning! YIPPEE! (except I left my phone in my sister's car.) But she's coming over later so I should get it back. 

So, last night was crazy. It was waaaayyy to packed and it was only because people brought family (but I can't talk cuz so did I). So when I wasn't trying to make my way to the dance floor I was on the third floor being Jasmine (which is why my hair smells like marijuana and my body smells like cologne this morning. I SMELL LIKE A PROSTITUTE lol). 

But um, so I made out with 4 people, (2 were gay and 2 were girls so I don't think that counts very much lol). So I can check off having a threesome makeout session with 2 girls off my list of things to do before I die haha.

THE ONLY THING THAT I AM PISSED OFF ABOUT FROM LAST NIGHT IS THE FACT THAT MILLY MADE OUT WITH MICHAEL. 

Now I know it's not her fault, it's my fault for witnessing it. She kept apologizing so I respect her for that I just, wish I never saw it. It could've happened but I wish I never saw it. I know it happened for a reason that I can't explain right now and maybe I'll figure out that reason later. But right now, it hurts. I don't think I've ever been this offended over a guy before....but if you see Mike, you'll know what I'm talking about. (sigh). Then he got sick and was throwing up everywhere, then he left. WTF!

(I guess at least he acknowledged me before he left. But I kind of wish I was Milly). 

Oh and the other thing I hated was that this Jamaican guy kept trying to talk to me and he was NOT cute. And he saw me with my friends so can he chill. LOL

Anywhoo, I had fun (except when I tried to pee and there was puke everywhere. and then I broke a cup lol). But it was good. I had fun :). 

Well I'm sorry...

I know I haven't written in a while and it's because I've been thinking about way to much to actually put any thoughts down. But since yesterday night I realized something: I'm an angry drunk! 

I have two main emotions: depression and anger. If I'm not one, there's a 97.545% chance that I'm the other one. So when I'm drunk, I'm already too sluggish to be depressed so then I'm angry. I punch walls and I yell at people and dancing is the only way I can get rid of that anger (or at least lessen it). It's so hard like, when I'm drunk I want to kill people. I get this urge to just punch people. I don't know if it's because I'm schizophrenic. I don't know if it's because I don't express my anger much when I'm sober. But if I were a guy, I'd probably go to jail for beating my wife or something if I was drunk. I'm so glad that I wasn't too drunk yesterday because I was soooo tempted to punch this brick wall but I knew that my hand would break....so I didn't. 

And I hate when people say I have no reason to be depressed or sad and that I should suck it up and get over it! DEPRESSION IS NOT SOMETHING PEOPLE JUST DECIDE TO DO! DEPRESSION IS CAUSED BY CHEMICAL IMBALANCES THAT YOU CANNOT CONTROL! 

And it's not like I'm depressed all the time. It comes and goes. Like idk. People sometimes make me feel like I should be sorry for my emotions and my actions. So that causes me to battle with myself. Everybody's always trying to tell me what I should be so constantly I'm fighting with who I should be and who I really am and IT SUCKS!!!!! IT SUCKS SOOOO FUCKING HARD THAT I CAN'T FUCKING DECIDE WHAT'S RIGHT AND WHATS WRONG. ITS ALWAYS!!:

be an engineer not an actress

be sexual not romantic

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I can't even write anymore......................................