First night home

Tonight was kind of rough! I think I did pretty good by Braden but I feel awful for Lisandra and Justin. He fussed a lot and I know it kept waking them up. He woke up twice so far tonight, the first time he fed from both breasts until nothing else was coming out and then cried and screamed for more food. My full milk isn't in yet, I ended up having to supplement with a syringe and give him 1 1/2 teaspoons of formula and he finally went to sleep. The second time he woke up was tougher because he wasn't hungry, he was just plain unhappy and fussy. I think his circumcision was probably irritated.  He had a wet diaper and screamed and screamed when I took it off. First being diaperless calmed him down (I don't mind if he were to poop or pee on me) but after maybe twenty minutes or so I went ahead to put a new diaper on him and he started screaming again. I hope the entire glob of petroleum jelly I put on him helped at least a little. He was inconsolable for a long time though and would breastfeed in short bursts then push himself away and cry. He wouldn't even finish them off, this time there was tons of colostrum left on each side when he quit on them. I had to keep alternating from walking him around, switching sides, talking to him, etc to keep him from screaming non stop. Poor thing, he must be so sore down there. His bandage comes off today so hopefully that will give him some relief. I can relate because I'm sore from my stitches so I know what he's feeling is probably no joke. Now he's finally sleep in my arms and peaceful and I feel proud of myself. I'm looking forward to the future when he gets adjusted to his environment and to when his circ doesn't hurt anymore. Oh and also until my mature milk comes in maybe that will be today.

UPDATE: I talked to Liz and she said she didn't really hear anything! Wow!

What about MY kids tho?

Earlier today, Iggy told me that his other sister is pregnant. That makes 5 women so far who I know will be moms (or moms again) by 2015. While I'm really happy for everyone, I can't help but feel a bit of jealousy and pain every time someone new announces their pregnancy. On one hand, I'm blessed that I've never had to wake up one morning and wonder where my period was. I've never had to take a pregnancy test and wait an uncomfortable 2 minutes for 2 bright pink lines to appear on a stick. I've never had to run back to Walgreens to buy 2 more test, which would also be positive, and come to the realization that no matter how many more test I take, the result will be the same. I've never had to wonder how the father of my future child would react or how I would tell my mom and friends. From what everyone tells me, an unplanned pregnancy is stressful at first. Those first few moments aren't filled with happiness but instead there's plenty of fear and prayer and then tears of sadness as the second line gets darker and darker. However, once the shock wears off and everyone is aware, joy sets in and anticipation builds up until 9 months later, a little bundle of joy is here and that fear from a first pregnancy test (or the first 9 in some cases) was totally worth it. What if I never go through that? I'm realistic about future and know what the consequences of chemo are. I know my body went through early menopause. I know my estrogen levels have to carefully monitored and a pregnancy could throw my cancer out of wack. I know I have to be on medication for the next 10ish years and I probably don't want to get pregnant while taking them anyway. I'm AWARE of all of this. That doesn't make it hurt any less that I may never give birth to my own child. At least not if I don't carefully plan it out. It kind of sucks. At 23, I'm not ready to accept that fact that my life will always be different from those of my friends. While I know it won't make me any less of a mom if I can't carry my baby or breast feed, I can't help but wonder if I'll have the same connection that most moms have with their kids. I love listening to Dez or Jessy talk about their pregnancies and how they can feel their babies moving. What if I never go through that? I'm not one of those crazy women who feel this intense connection to other people's kids. It's still their kid and at the end of the day, I know that. I never understand how women can steal other people's kids. No matter how much I want one, I can't just take someone else's. Idk. Maybe I'm just emotional right now. Last night, Iggy mentioned moving to Brazil but not starting a family there. He said, "Of course, if you get pregnant, we'll have to change our plans and chose where to raise our family". A part of me wanted to say we won't have that problem cause a pregnancy isn't possible with me but I kept it to myself. No need to put a damper on a positive conversation. I guess I need to just stay positive but its really hard. I don't know what God has planned for me but I can only pray that everything I'm going through now will make me a better person and a great mom. If thats not in his plans for me, its not. I'll still be the best aunt and godmother I can be and I'm excited about playing those roles in the future. #HeavyMindButEvenHeavierHeart LisandraOut

And then at 2 am......

So I'm awake at 2 am. I've already tried going back to sleep but I just rolled around and by the time I rolled back over, only 2 minutes had passed. Now 40 minutes later, I figure I'll blog and hopefully clearing my mind will help me get some much deserved sleep. 1. There is a bug on my wall. It has a lot of legs and is bothering me. I hit it with a shoe which only crushed his little head and stuck him to my wall. Ugh. I need Justin to come remove his nasty ass bug body. He wiggled for a while but now he's just there, a constant reminder of how much I dislike shit with more than 4 legs. Ugh. 2. I'm excited to meet my little nephew. I don't normally like boys but I guess its different when you really love them and its family. Its always just been me and my mom and Denny for so long that I never felt any connection to anything in the US. Now I have Justin and Dezzy and Hunter. I can't imagine moving far and never seeing them again or watching their family grow or watching Hunter grow up. I hope I don't miss the birth but I'm sure Justin will call me (at least he better). Dez really is the sister I've always wanted and I'm so happy for her. I know her whole life is about to change but I KNOW she's gonna be an amazing mom to Hunter and raise him to be a great man like she did with her brother. As for me, I intend to be the fun aunt. Justin will obviously have to be the one laying down the law cause I just won't be able to say no to a dezzy mini, just like I can't say no to her. 3. I'm excited to meet my next godchild. Yes, Jessy is pregnant again! And unlike with Ev, I will actually be around for her this time. I can go to appointments and bring her food and help her out like I try to do for Dez. In college, I always felt guilty because I honestly didn't have the time or money and I just sucked as a godmom and best friend. Now I'm slowly stepping up and trying to be there more often and make sure that I text and I'm going to visit more often. All I'm doing is working and thats not super important. What's important is the time I spend with both her and Ev. Just like Dez, she's my older, mature sister and Ev is a mini her. Thats enough venting about that. I have a different blog that I really need to write. Read that one too! #SeeYouSoon ~SandraOut