My life...

My life has been weird lately... like idk its just weird. And I think this medicine I've been taking has been the result of my weirdness... so these are the side effect of the medicine:

Methyldopa


Methyldopa is capable of inducing a number of adverse side effects, which range from mild to severe. Nevertheless, they are generally mild when the dose is less than 1 gram per day.[1] Side effects may include:


Psychological
Depression and/or even suicidal ideation, as well as nightmares
Apathy and/or anhedonia, as well as dysphoria
Anxiety, especially of the social anxiety variant
Decreased alertness, awareness, and wakefulness
Impaired attention, focus, and concentration
Decreased desire, drive, and motivation
Fatigue or lethargy and/or malaise or lassitude
Sedation or drowsiness and/or somnolence or sleepiness
Agitation or restlessness
Cognitive and memory impairment
Derealization and/or depersonalization, as well as mild psychosis
Sexual dysfunction including impaired libido, desire, and drive


Physiological
Dizziness, lightheadedness, or vertigo
Miosis or pupil constriction
Xerostomia or dry mouth
Gastrointestinal disturbances such as diarrhea and/or constipation
Headache or migraine


I have just about all of those side effect above to some degree, even the sex one a little, like I wanna do it but then again i dont. I feel drowsy all the time, i have no motavation, I have memory issues I'll be in the middle of a sentence with somebody and I'll forget what i was saying!! But i did that before but now it seems worse!!! like I feel happy to know whats going on but still this is just weird... the one about me feel axienty about social situation is sooo true like I do not like leaving the house I do not wanna be around people I just feel nervous about the whole damn thing.

I'm gonna stop now cuz I cant focus on this lol so bye :)

letter to self

i had wrote a long, emotional letter to myself here but it is no longer here as of 8.21.09 because i realize i was mostly overreacting lol so i deleted it and put this sentence about it being cancelled instead.

New penguin salad + mood swings + religion

Penguin Salad is changing! From now on we are going to blog more often! And i'm going to update those tired bio's that don't even fit us anymore. And this boring layout. I'm going to custom make one. With a logo that I've been playing around with in my head for awhile (but watch me fail at actually drawing it). Idk I just need penguin salad to be more exciting lol. I get bored of the same thing and when something is new it makes me happy. So I haven't been here in a while but I noticed today someone took my old twitter name (penguinsalad) and it hurt! I was like Penguin Salad is MY brainchild! MINE! they even have a dumbass box that says PNGN SLD and Im like come up with your own thing! I hope they never log into twitter again! That twitter was still linked to my facebook page for crying out loud. Anyway I love penguin salad and I'm about to make it new again.

Anyway my updates:

I never believed hormones actually made you emotional and moody. Whenever people say "I have mood swings" or "I'm an emotional person" I was always like oh whatever you just like being dramatic. Or you just need to grow up. THAT WAS UNTIL I EXPERIENCED IT FIRST HAND! I got on nuvaring birth control and all I do is have mood swings! It's so weird because I was always the most carefree and least attached-to-emotion person I and all my friends know and now I'm just like everyone else. Throughout the day I will feel up and down and up and down. One day I woke up, looked at the clock, burst into tears, cried myself to sleep again and woke up like wtf just happened. That time I woke up happy! wtf!

Anyway I'm trying to adapt to it because it's kind of cool. It's like I have no control over how I feel and it makes me feel less athiest. I used to always be worried I would be athiest (not that it's anything wrong with it, but Idk what I am yet and I'm mostly afraid of 1. being athiest in the case that God is real and offending him, or 2. being christian in the case that God isn't real and wasting my life being inhibited). So I always felt like I would be athiest but now that I'm more emotional I feel more inclined to believe in God. Idk its like I don't have control over my own emotions so someone must have control of them! lol.

Religion is difficult. At the moment I am still just floating around and not really worried about figuring it out because it will just come to me whatever my religion turns out to be.

FACTS:

hormones = mood swings = general tendency towards being emotional

(me) + (general tendency towards being emotional) = me leaning away from atheism

(me) - (general tendency towards being emotional) = me leaning toward atheim

QUESTION:

is religion just based on how emotional you are? cause if so that means its made-up ... idk ... anyway please dont judge me like if your really religious and you read this post :)

99 problems but Caleb isn't one

SOOOOO much has happened since I last blogged. Some good and some bad, mostly bad... but lets start with the good.

So Caleb is here!!! He blessed us on August 1, 2009 and he weighed 7lbs and 4 ounces. It wasn't a long process but it still seemed like forever for my lil man to come out. Once he did I felt incredibly happy to see who was kicking at all hours of the night lol. But he's a good baby and he does normal baby things like eat, sleep and poop but he does it sooo cutely lol

But after I had him my pressure seemed to drop down from being stroke high to normal but once I was about to leave it started going back up again so I have to go to the dr on Monday and get that checked out.

So I have noooooooooo money, none, none at all!!!! And it seems like I just keep hitting brick walls that keep reminding me that I have no money!!!!

So I talked to Melanie's father to see if he was gonna pay for her day care or not and of course he said no because I was home and doing nothing so she can stay with me. And i feel like that is a completely asshole statement!! I told him that I wanted her to go so she can still learn and have fun with her friends, and he says its a waste of money and I'm like no its not she loves going and she has fun! But no he's like well it's a waste of money when u sitting at home with a baby that's gonna sleep all day so y wont u keep her at home and its just sooo stressful dealing with him because he's a stupid person who thinks they are smart!!! I would just go to social services and get daycare vouchers but then I have to take him downtown and he said if I do he's gonna carry Melanie on his taxes and stuff and I would normally just strugg that off but I don't want him to go behind my back and get her social security card and all her information and then make things difficult. Then they said I could go and get full legal custody of her so he can't do things like that but that's a process too, like I wish he was just a normal person that would cooperate but he's not and it makes my life sooo stressful!!! I try to ignore him but it's only but so much ignoring you can do.

So as of now, I am 160 in the hole for her daycare....


Then I got a call from some bill collector from At&t that said if I don't pay 40 dollars to them from the 1 day the phone was in my name that they was gonna send my information off to a debt collector and that would flag my credit report I don't want that to happen because I don't have any credit to fucking begin with!!!! I'm trying so hard to get a credit card but no one is letting me but yet that can do something stupid to my credit and make it worse then what it is!!! So I have to pay that.

I have 99 dollars in my account and it has to go to Melanie pictures she took in daycare I had to write a check for it and they still haven't taken the money out and its just waiting and waiting and I keep having money problems and I have money sitting there that I can't even touch because that will just create more money problems.

So to top things off for today my phone gets turned off!!! So I'm just like what the fuck!!!! So I have to pay them 150, then turn around and pay prob almost 200 cuz my phone got cut off last month too!!! and then another prob 200 after that..

So I'm like what the fuck I am just having a horrible ass fucking day and I wanna cry but I can't cry cuz my heads been hurting on and off for 3 days and crying only makes it worse!! My eyes burn like hell and I just feel like my body is about to shut down! I don't wanna eat, i cant sleep, my breast hurt, my feet hurt, my back hurts I feel like my body is slowly dying!!! I don't think its post partum depression because I don't have any ill thought towards my baby. I don't wanna kill anybody, honestly I don't feel anything I just feel pain and stress.

And I can't talk to Troy about it because he's not gonna say anything but I should've been took Melanie Father downtown and other I told you so's but I feel like he doesn't understand and I'm sure he doesn't wanna understand because I should've been did it blah blah, and I feel like instead of pointing out what should have happened you should just be there to listen to me but he doesn't listen because he gonna feel like I created this problem so he's not gonna listen to me complain about it...so instead I just hold everything in and mop a little and sleep... if I can get to sleep